Funny Jokes

8.23.2003

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8.22.2003

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his
wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough money
to buy what we started saving for in 1979."

"You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.

"No," he replies, "a 1979 Cadillac."

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A cigarette is a stick of tobacco with fire at one end and a fool at the
other.

- George Bernard Shaw

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"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

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8.21.2003

"I am" is the shortest sentence in the English language. "I do" is sometimes referred to as the longest.

-Anonymous

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8.20.2003

Pigs

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were tough, he had determined to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. Now the farmers lived sixty miles away from one another, so they each agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (which was the only vehicle they had) and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, but if they're rolling in the mud, then they're not."

The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, called the other farmer, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. The following morning, in the mud again! And the next morning, MUD again!

This continued all week until the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field grazing." The wife looked out the window and then yelled back. "Neither. They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

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Woman Surgeon
A woman surgeon was disturbed about the high cost of her car
repair.

"This is ridiculous!" she said, "charging me five hundred
dollars to grind the valves and put in new piston rings."

"Not really, just think about it. You are a surgeon and
should know that an automobile engine is just as complicated as a
human body. The mechanic who serviced your car is just as
skilled as you are."

"Is that so? Well, let me see him grind the valves while the
engine is running."

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8.19.2003

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8.18.2003

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8.17.2003

For those over 39!


I used to have Saturday Night Fever... Now I just have Saturday Night hot flashes.

Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old... as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age.. But they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up.




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A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing
shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and
sees him. "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've
known you for over fifteen years and I've never seen you take a drink
before. What's going on?" Without even taking his eyes off his newly
filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best
friend." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp. "But,"
says the other man, "I'm your best friend!" The man turns to his friend,
looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not
anymore! He is!"

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BIRD WATCHING

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots
stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider
a marvelous new game.

Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots
search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along
it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads
in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around
and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like
spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports,
"The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly
it.

Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto
their backs.
-- Audubon Society Magazine

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A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word
processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he
asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

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After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard
the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she
heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

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After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an
old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the
city's stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing
what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my
daddy."

He bought the "picture," but on the way home remembered that his
wife, Lizzy, didn't much like his father. So he hung it in the barn,
and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there
and look at it.

The man's many trips to the barn began to draw Lizzy's suspicion. One
day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the
mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly
tramp he's runnin' around with."

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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of
them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man,
that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for
the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at
this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but
this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this
wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back
to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and
hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

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A man gets home, screeches his car into the driveway, runs into the
house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs, "Honey,pack
your bags. I won the lottery!"

The wife says,"Really? No way! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"

The husband yells back,"It doesn't matter . just get out!"

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