Funny Jokes

8.29.2003

Subject: God and California


Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through
the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going
to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" Inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while
southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white
people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued pointing
to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and while this one
will be very cold and covered in ice."


The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and
said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's California, the most glorious place on
earth. There are beautiful beaches, deserts, streams, hills, and forests.
The people from California are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and
humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be
extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known
throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in
Sacramento!"

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8.28.2003

3 Southerners and 3 Yankees

Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Yankees.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South.

They all board the train. The three Yankee men take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Yankees see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southerners don't buy any ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Yankee.

"Watch and learn," answers the men from the South.

When they board the train the three Northerners cram themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southerners leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the Yankees are hiding. The Southerner knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

( I'm still trying to figure out how the South lost that war.)



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8.27.2003

"Ugly People"

Submitted by Shirley A. Evans

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming
truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their
maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he
decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter
Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish
is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and
it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want
to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish
is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway
down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there
are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing
his behind off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will
be. The guy calms down and says:" Make 'em all ugly again"

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The Procrastinators Creed

The Procrastinator's Creed
I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to recieve from missing them.

I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

Have a great Wednesday...or just put it off until Thursday!

That doesn't include missing Mars up close and personal tomorrow night!






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8.26.2003

Common Sense and Why Is That?

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war? @#&%$!!!#&%$!!!# ?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?




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8.25.2003

Reader's Digest has several joke related articles in the September issue, including
"How to Tell a Joke"
"Who's Funny Now"
and lists of the best jokes and funniest films of all time.

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8.24.2003

This is NO Bull!!!

Have you heard about the five young bulls, discussing what they wanted to be
when they grew up?

The first wanted to go to Rome and become a papal bull.

The second wanted to go to New York and become a bull on Wall Street.

The third wanted to go to the Windy City to become a Chicago Bull.

The fourth said he wanted to go to Beijing and be a bull in a China shop.

The fifth said he was just going to stay in the pasture for heifer and
heifer and heifer.

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Q: Why did O.J. want to move to West Virginia?
A: Everyone there has the same DNA.

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