Funny Jokes

9.06.2003

The Twenty and The One
=======================

There was this $20 dollar bill and a $1 dollar bill on the
conveyor belt at the downtown Federal Reserve Building.

As they were lying there side by side the $1 dollar bill said
to the $20 dollar bill, "Hey mannnnnn, where have you been.
I haven't seen you in a long time ?"

The $20 dollar bill replied, "Man I have been having a ball!
I been traveling to distant countries, going to the finest
restaurants, to the biggest and best casinos, numerous
boutiques, the mall uptown, the mall downtown, the mall across
town and even a mall that I just newly built.

"In fact, just this week I've been to Europe, a professional NBA
game, Rodeo Drive, the all-day retreat spa, the top-notch hair
salon and the new casino! I have done it all!!!"

After describing his great travels, the $20 dollar bill asked
the $1 dollar bill,

"What about you? Where have you been?"

The $1 dollar replied, "Well, I've been to the Baptist church,
the Methodist church, the Presbyterian church, the Episcopalian
church, the Church of God in Christ, the Catholic church, the
Mormon church, the church of the Latter Day Saints, the A.M.E.
church, the Disciple of Christ church, the..."

"WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A MINUTE!!"
shouted the $20 dollar bill to the $1 dollar bill.


"What's a church?"

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9.05.2003

Buying a Bra...

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one
of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked
up to the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to
buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of
bras in every shape, size, color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only
three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the Salvation
Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked "What is the difference
between them?"

The lady responded "It is all really quite simple:

"The Catholic type supports the masses,
the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen,
and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

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As I Mature


I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just horses patoots.

I've learned that it takes years
to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by
on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy
or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't
compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting
long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.


I've learned that regardless of
how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better
be a lot of money to take its place!

I've learned that 99% of the time when
something isn't working in your house, one
of your kids did it

I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.


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Signs you've chosen a *no frills* airline...

** You can't board the plane unless you have the exact
change.

** Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten
your Velcro.

** The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little
for gas.

** When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

** The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows
off the runway.

** You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he
says, "Just once."

** No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing
before your eyes.

** You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let
off the plane.

** All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.




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9.03.2003

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Junie, 8, was told to clean up her room before her mother had
a dinner party.

"How come when people come over we have to clean up the
house?" Junie asked.

Her mother said, "We don't want people to think we
live this way."

Junie replied, "Isn't that sort of like lying?"

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9.02.2003

SMASR: how many seconds are in a year?

famouswba: it must be a joke.

SMASR: 12

jan 2nd, feb 2nd ...

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CURES FOR THE "I NEED A CRUISE" BLUES


a.. Ring the front doorbell six short, one long blast and assemble the family outside for life boat drill.


a.. Twist your pajamas into animal shapes (Carnival passengers only).


a.. Sing karoke in the shower. (Cordless mike recommended).


a.. Take all the paintings off your wall and hold an art auction.


a.. Attend local "Friends of Bill W" meetings and tell them you're a Cruisaholic.


a.. Cook up a midnight buffet.


a.. Watch "Love Boat" (original series) on cable, tape segments and re-watch throughout the day.


a.. Give family a floor plan of the house with directions to the dining room. Tell them tonight is formal.


a.. Stick a pink paper umbrella in your morning coffee.


a.. Hang a card on your bedroom door before retiring at night, wait for room service to wake you in the morning with fresh coffee.


a.. Make bingo at the local church a scheduled family activity.


a.. Flush your toilet five times to simulate sound of evac plumbing.


a.. If you are the person doing all this work, distribute small envelopes and tipping guidelines.

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8.31.2003

Here's a riddle for you......................

Schwartzenegger has a big one
Michael J. Fox has a small one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Pope has one but doesn't use his
Clinton uses his all the time
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one
Liberace never used his on women
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
What is it?
Answer below! (this is really good)

...

...
.

..
The answer is:....... "A Last Name." You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?.......................

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*Real Men Test*

Note: Although this is test for men only and all "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions, women will also benefit by reviewing them so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives.


1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.

You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.

B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.

C. Take it apart.


2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.

B. Idealism.

C. Cherry bombs.



3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.

B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)

C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.


4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.

B. A dog.

C. A dog that eats cats.


5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?


A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.

B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.

C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.


6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.

B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.

C. Tell her what?


7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"

B. "They're in school already?"

C. "There are three of them?"


8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.

B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.

C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names (but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear.

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