Funny Jokes

9.12.2003

1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog
stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment
named, for very good reason, the dog house.

2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for
short visits or if his own house is under renovation.

3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent
basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard
sale to a rookie dog owner.

4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run
free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal
cage.

5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal
along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog
can go wherever he pleases.

6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not
the new furniture.

8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until
it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell
the whole works and buy new furniture upon which the
dog will most definitely not be allowed.

9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.

10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.

11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's
not allowed under the covers.

12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not
with his head on the pillow.

13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the
covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores
he's got to leave the room.

14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have
nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep
on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping.
That's just not fair.

15. The dog never gets listed on the census
questionnaire as "primary resident," even if it's
true.

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9.11.2003

How To Thoroughly Clean the Toilet

1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.




3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid.) The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)

4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a " power-wash " and "rinse".)

5. Have someone open the door to the outside (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.)

6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off.







Both the commode and the cat will now be sparkling clean!



Sincerely,
The Dog

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9.10.2003

"The Computer Store"

ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I
help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the
den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look
out the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software.

ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?

COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I
can use to write
proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business.
What have you got?


ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommended something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOTT: Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has
windows! Let's say
I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a
proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to
need lots of words. But
what program do I load?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't
give me a straight
answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What
do I need if I want
to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What
I watch is none of
your business. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to
watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel
four?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I
want to watch a movie.
What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The
blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for
windows!"

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word
in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many
other Words left. It
pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word.
RealOne isn't even part
of Office.

COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started
with that again. But I
also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so
on. What do you have
to help me track my money?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free
money, but
I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for
managing your money?

ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program
disappeared years ago.

COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from
us, you get it for
free.

COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be
running a business. Do
you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.

COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little
complicated.

ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you
might try M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.

COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for
my home business.
You know -- accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money.
But you may need
more.

COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.

COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget
about money for the
moment. I'm worried that my computer might ... what's
the word? Crash.
And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore
my data?

ABBOTT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer
crashing and I need
something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOTT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All
I said was GoBack.

COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been
anywhere? Okay, I'll
go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a
proposal.

ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word -- the Word in
Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in... Oh, never
mind.

ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always
hang up on me? Oh,
well. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help
you?

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The End of World War II

An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty
conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World
War 2, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be
a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spamoni,
and I am alive today because of it."

"Self-preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never
forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on
my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her
in my attic and they never found her."

"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to
feel guilty."

"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay
me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly."

"You were both in great danger and would have suffered
terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favorable
balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly.
Give up your feelings of guilt."

"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I
have one more question."

"And what is that?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

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Discovery Channel :: Jokes Not As Funny As You Get Older: "Jokes Not As Funny As You Get Older
Danny Kingsley, ABC Science Online

Sept. 2, 2003 ? Don't worry, you won't lose your sense of humor as you get older, but you might find it harder to 'get' some jokes, new Canadian research has shown. "

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9.09.2003

EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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Smiles from the Bible


The best "of biblical fun." Who has time to dream this up ... ?


Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph
was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles
were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in
Eden?
A. "Your mother ate us out of house and home."

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck

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9.08.2003

CURES FOR THE "I NEED A CRUISE" BLUES


a.. Ring the front doorbell six short, one long blast and assemble the family outside for life boat drill.


a.. Twist your pajamas into animal shapes (Carnival passengers only).


a.. Sing karoke in the shower. (Cordless mike recommended).


a.. Take all the paintings off your wall and hold an art auction.


a.. Attend local "Friends of Bill W" meetings and tell them you're a Cruisaholic.


a.. Cook up a midnight buffet.


a.. Watch "Love Boat" (original series) on cable, tape segments and re-watch throughout the day.


a.. Give family a floor plan of the house with directions to the dining room. Tell them tonight is formal.


a.. Stick a pink paper umbrella in your morning coffee.


a.. Hang a card on your bedroom door before retiring at night, wait for room service to wake you in the morning with fresh coffee.


a.. Make bingo at the local church a scheduled family activity.


a.. Flush your toilet five times to simulate sound of evac plumbing.


a.. If you are the person doing all this work, distribute small envelopes and tipping guidelines.


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9.07.2003

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