Funny Jokes

9.20.2003

Bush Lays Off Congress; will Outsource Lawmaking to India

By Jay Slupesky

Washington - Citing the growing cost of running the Federal
government and the need to cut costs in order to reduce the budget
deficit, President Bush announced today that he was laying off all
535 members of Congress and transferring lawmaking operations to a
legislative support center in Bangalore, India. "Hey, outsourcing is
the way to go these days," said Bush at an impromptu news conference
where he announced the decision, adding, "the American people want
to see less government waste. Since every one of those
ex-Congressmen had a salary of $150,000, this move will cut our
costs by over $80 million per year, and that's not even counting
what we'll save on health insurance and retirement plans." Sources
indicate that the Indian replacements will be paid approximately
$250 per month.

The outcry from the newly laid-off Senators and Representatives was
swift. Ex-California Senator Diane Feinstein said, "This is
absolutely outrageous. How can a bunch of replacements over in India
run Congress? What do they know about filibusters and committee
hearings?" As she was being escorted out of the Hart Senate Office
Building by U.S. Capitol Police officers, Feinstein complained that
the newly-terminated lawmakers were only given ten minutes to clean
out their desks and leave the building.

"I think it's a great idea," said Vice President Dick Cheney,
speaking from a secure undisclosed location. "The American people
were fed up with that expensive do-nothing Congress which didn't
always give the President everything he asked for. Our new Indian
replacements will be much cooperative to the President, which is
what we all want." Asked whether the outsourcing may be
unconstitutional, Cheney noted, "That's up to the Supreme Court to
decide, but as you know, they usually see things our way."

The new members of Congress seem thrilled with the attention they
are receiving. Speaking from the offices of All-India Legislative
Support Centre Ltd. in Bangalore, new Mississippi Senator Ramchandra
Shektar Gupta told reporters, "The Indian people are very hard
working and we will do our best as U.S. Congressmen and
Congresswomen. And we are going to have some fun too. Just think: we
have $2 trillion of the American taxpayers' money to spend!"

http://www.fallcreek.com/jay/bushlaysoffcongress.html

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Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida Newspapers.
Who says seniors don't have a sense of humour?

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious, blue-haired beauty, 80s slim, 5'-4
(used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing
companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband
looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting,
shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean,
yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take
our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a
dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my
Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a
groovy chick, or even a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my
eight-track tapes.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1922, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can
remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
--------------------------------------

WHY ENGLISH IS SO DIFFICULT ---

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English;
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass
drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example...
If you hav people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise
man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which
your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a
form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
------------------------------------

A snake charmer and an undertaker married. They received many gifts,
but their favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words
"hiss and hearse."
--------------------------------------------------

Here's the exercise program I am using to stay in shape this year.
You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you
become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

Do not forget to:

ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE

STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.

NOW SCROLL DOWN...











































NOW SCROLL UP...

That's enough for the first day!

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9.19.2003

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9.17.2003

Halloween Recipes

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Boogers on a Stick


Take an 8 oz. jar of Cheese Whiz and melt in the microwave according to jar
directions allow cheese to cool slightly. Carefully stir in 3 or 4 drops "

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9.14.2003

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CHURCH BLOOPERS

1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans,
bottles and other items
to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used
to cripple children.

2. Ladies Bible Study will be held
Thursday morning at 10.
All ladies are invited to lunch
in the Fellowship Hall
after the B.S. is done.

3. The pastor would appreciate it
if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast
next Sunday morning.

4. Low Self Esteem Support Group
will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.

5. The pastor will preach
his farewell message,
after which the choir will sing,
"Break Forth Into Joy."

6. A songfest was hell
at the Methodist church Wednesday.

7. Remember in prayer
the many who are sick
of our church and community.

8. The eighth-graders will be presenting
Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the Church basement
Friday at 7 PM.
The Congregation is invited
to attend this tragedy.

9. Thursday night Potluck Supper.
Prayer and medication to follow.

10. The rosebud on the altar this morning
is to announce the birth of David,
the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.

11. Tuesday at 4 PM
there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving milk
will please come early.

12. A bean supper will be held
on Tuesday evening
in the church hall.
Music will follow.

13. At the evening service tonight,
the sermon topic will be
"What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen
to our choir practice.

14. Weight Watchers will meet
at 7 PM
at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door
at the side entrance

15. Mrs. Johnson will be
entering the hospital this week
for testes.

16. Please join us
as we show our support
for Amy and Alan who
are preparing for the girth
of their first child.

17. The Lutheran Men's group
will meet at 6 PM.
Steak, mashed potatoes,
green beans, bread and dessert
will be served for a nominal feel.

18. The Associate Minister
unveiled the church's
new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

19. Our next song is
"Angels We Have Heard Get High."

20. Don't let worry kill you,
let the church help.

21. For those of you who have children
and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.

22. This being Easter Sunday,
we will ask Mrs. Lewis
to come forward
and lay an egg on the altar.

23. The service will close
with Little Drops of Water.
One of the ladies
will start quietly
and the rest
of the congregation
will join in.

24. Eight new choir robes
are currently needed,
due to the addition
of several new members
and to the deterioration
of some older ones.

25. The senior choir invites
any member of the congregation
who enjoys sinning
to join the choir.

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