Funny Jokes

10.18.2003

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

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How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.


Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.


Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every
night?
A. A widow.

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He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you?
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it . . . " I do not"


What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

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He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa.

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10.16.2003

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10.15.2003

Top Ten Things You Do Not Want To Hear On An Airplane
P.A. System

1. Mid-way across the Ocean: This is your Captain speaking, I
just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat
cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of
the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our
airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing
extravaganza.

3. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail! Eject! Eject!

4. Fasten your seatbelt. (same tone your friend with the
suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)

5. This is your Captain speaking....these new planes are a lot
different than the ships I'm used to..so you'll have to give me
some leeway......

6. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their
shades and watched the inflight movie.

7. Drinks are on me...or I'll have what the Captain's having...

8. Hey capt'n, take another hit man...

9. Get the parachutes ready...

10. I'm sure everyones noticed the loss of an engine, however
the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much
more efficiently now.

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You Know You Need A New Lawyer When...

When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five
each other.

During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

He tells you that his last good case was a
"Budweiser."

He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the
stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

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10.14.2003

The light turns green, but the man doesn't notice.

The woman waits, but the man doesn't notice the light change.

The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move.

The man doesn't move. The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash.

As the light turns yellow, the woman begins to blow the car horn and scream curses at the man.

The man, hearing the commotion, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red.

The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.

The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening.

After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car.

She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects.

He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn and cussing a blue streak at the car in front of you and then I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."


Let's all try and make a pleasing impression on others, and cast away the things that aren't becoming to us...

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WEEK AT THE GYM; ONE MAN'S STORY -


If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary... For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress......

Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but and it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

Thursday: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday: I hate that witch Belinda more that any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
(Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I

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10.13.2003

I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts.
--Orson Welles

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10.12.2003

The Ant and the Grasshopper

ORIGINAL VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying in supplies for the winter. The grasshopper
thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come
winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or
shelter,
so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying in supplies for the winter. The grasshopper
thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well-fed
while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering
grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a
table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can
this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is
allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody
cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house,
where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome."
Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the
grasshopper's sake.

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has
gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an
immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper
Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for
failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having
nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated
by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a
defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel
of Federal judges that Bill had appointed from a list of single-parent
welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits
of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just
happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because
he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and the
house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize
the once peaceful neighborhood.

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George and the Dragon



An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a
roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.

The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some
victuals?" he asked.

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she shouted.

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"

"No!" she shouted again.

The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

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On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a Proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is Expensive."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your
payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and
get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station: "Tank heaven for little grills."

At a Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."


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Signs Your Cat is Overweight

Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.

He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.

Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.

Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.

No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.

Cat food dish replaced with Rush Limbaugh trough.

Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit.

Always lands on her spleen.

Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.

Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.

It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.

"Steals breath" from all five quintuplets, simultaneously.

Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.

Has more chins than lives.

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