In Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift of mine when I was pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

Ghosts

An enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom that lived in the house at the edge of town.

When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost decended upon him, clanking chains and moaning.

"I mean no harm; I just want your photograph," the journalist said.

Pleased at this chance to make headlines, the ghost posed for a number of shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his darkroom and began developing the photos.

Unfortunately, they turned out to be so underexposed that nothing could be seen in them.

The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak : (

Ghosts

An enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom that lived in the house at the edge of town.

When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost decended upon him, clanking chains and moaning.

"I mean no harm; I just want your photograph," the journalist said.

Pleased at this chance to make headlines, the ghost posed for a number of shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his darkroom and began developing the photos.

Unfortunately, they turned out to be so underexposed that nothing could be seen in them.

The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak : (

Halloween Facts

"Phasmophobia" is the fear of ghosts.

A cup of candy corn has fewer calories than a cup of raisins.

It's illegal to sell a haunted house in New York without informing the
buyer.

The first jack-o'-lanterns were made of turnips.

"Samhainophobia" is the morbid fear of Halloween.

Halloween the biggest holiday of the year when it comes to candy
sales-estimated at $1.93 billion. One quarter of all the candy sold
each year is purchased between September 15 and November 10.

The word witch comes from the Saxon word wicca, which means "wise one."

Pumpkins also come in white, blue and green.

In France, more than 30,000 werewolf cases were tried between 1520 and
1630.

Dracula is the most filmed story of all time.

The biggest pumpkin on record weighed 1,385 pounds. It was weighed in
October 2003 at a pumpkin festival in Canby, Oregon.

Black cats caused the plague. (And I thought it was Rats!)

Trick-or-treating is an Irish tradition, based on a custom where
wealthy landowners would give food to the poor on Halloween night,
believing ghosts would look favorably on them for doing so and spare
them from mischief.

In Romanian, Dracula means "Son of the Devil."

The Scots believed in "Samhanach," a goblin who came out only on
Halloween and stole children.

Halloween costume sales are estimated at $1.5 billion.

Eighty percent of kids say their favorite Halloween candy is either
chocolate or gum.

Pumpkins are fruits, not vegetables.

Pennslyvania was the first colony to legalize witchcraft.

There is a poisonous mushroom called a jack-o'-lantern. These
mushrooms are a bright orange-yellow in color and on rainy nights they
appears to glow in the dark.

Fifty-one percent of all American adults believe in ghosts. Nine
percent of Americans claim to have been in the presence of a ghost
during their lifetime.

Americans consume about 20 million pounds of candy corn each year.

The Count Dracula Society was founded in 1962.

In the 17th and 18th centuries, people in costumes and masks would go
from house to house, singing and dancing to keep evil at bay. These
people were known as "guisers."

Americans spend about $50 million on Halloween greetings.

According to studies, the smell of pumpkin pie is the most arousing to
women, followed by lavender, cucumbers, baby powder and Good & Plenty
candy.

At one time, there were public trials and convictions of animals for
witchcraft.

In Lewis, Scotland, Halloween was once celebrated by designating one
man to wade into the evening sea and offer a cup of ale to Shoney, a
sea god.

In the North of England, Halloween was called "nut-crack" and
"snap-apple night."

Ninety-nine percent of pumpkins sold in the U.S. are used to make
jack-o'-lanterns.

The first Frankenstein film was produced by Thomas Edison in 1910.

The average U.S. household spends $44 on Halloween candy.

There is a Transylvania County in North Carolina.

According to superstition, you will see your future spouse over your
left shoulder in the mirror at midnight on Halloween.

"Wiccaphobia" is the fear of witches and witchcraft.

October 30 is National Candy Corn Day.

A popular Halloween drink in 18th century Ireland was "lambs-wool,"
which consisted of roasted, crushed apples mixed into milk.

Dan Rather was born on Halloween, as was Jane Pauley.

Celts believed black cats were once people who had been turned into
animals with evil magic.

Halloween Jokes

Ways that you know you are to old for trick or treating


1 You save to shave just to put on the mask.

2 You grow your own beard to go out as Osama Bin Ladin

3 You stop for a smoke break between houses

4 The the nice lady giving out candy was your date to Homecoming dance.

5 You take a swig from your flask to take the chill off..

6 You and your kids get into a "ME First" fight for the house giving away full size candy bars.

7 when you check your own candy.

8 When you drive from house to house

9 when you try to disguise your voice not to show your age and say "Twidder Beat"

10 When the word "Trick" takes on a whole new meaning.

Submitted by Chris aka Gorillaskull

Happy Halloween!

Rules for Surviving in a Horror Movie

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to
see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language
which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you
a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take
several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to
kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it
alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would
apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and
find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for
short circuits; just get out!

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good
reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure
you know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down
at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are
running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving
fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are
listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in
trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any
small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go
to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think
that it is strange because you thought you had 3/4 of a tank, shoot
yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be
eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example:
chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives,
combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or
any devices made from deceased companions.

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the
time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that
had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died
in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic
practices in your house.

19. If you find that:
a. your house is built upon or near a cemetery,
b. was once a church that was used for black masses,
c. had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or
died in some horrible fashion, or
d. had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house,
MOVE AWAY IMMEDIATELY.

Men vs. Women

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call
each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each
throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have
anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a
sign reading, "Danger! Beware of Dog" posted on the glass
door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep
on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are
supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly
doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world
would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign,
people kept tripping over him."

Are You Ready for Children?

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly
prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...

MESS TEST:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet
flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish
stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may
substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the
house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not
scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as
you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything
they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making
sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the
ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while
pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk
to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office
and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a
newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can
improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's
table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they
should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be
the last time you will have all the answers.