New song lyrics to old songs

Great news! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience.

Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones--"You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune Rising"

Marvin Gaye-- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

The Troggs--"Bald Thing"

Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations--"Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

ABBA--"Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores--"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair"

The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"

Different World

---------------------------------

Nancy Reagan tells the story of how President Ronald

Reagan was once challenged by a college student who

said it was impossible for Reagan's generation to

understand his.


"You grew up in a different world," the student said.

Today we have television, jet planes, space travel,

nuclear energy, computers..."


Taking advantage or a pause in the student's litany,

Reagan said, "You're right. We didn't have those things

when we were young. We invented them."

Two Psychiatrists...

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed
over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult
case?"

The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure
fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America
was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he
waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never
went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and
waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I
worked with this man eight years."

"What was the result?"

"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years,
but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter
arrived!"

Once upon a time, on a farm in Indiana, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat.

She called all of her neighbors together and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?" "Not I," said the cow. "Not I," said the duck. "Not I," said the pig. "Not I," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. And so she did; The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain. "Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen. "Not I," said the duck. "Out of my classification," said the pig. "I'd lose my seniority," said the cow. "I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.

At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen. "That would be overtime for me," said the cow. "I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck. "I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig. "If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves." "Excess profits!" cried the cow. "Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. "I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. The pig just grunted in disdain. And they all painted "Unfair!" picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities. Then a government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy." "But I earned the bread," said the little red hen. "Exactly," said the agent. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle." And they all lived happily ever after, including the
little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand." But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the "party" and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established. Individual initiative had died but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared, as long as there was one loaf of free bread.

Garage Storage Cabinets | Garage Storage Systems | Dealers, Distributors, Home Improvement.

Rain, rain

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the
next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6
feet into most of the homes there.

Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor,
Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near
the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front
yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept
floating away from the house, then back in.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs.
Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away
from the house, then back again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told
him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high
water!"

Christmas Fun

Christmas Fun Webring is a webring for year round Christmas sites that contain:
recipes, crafts, stories, games, midis, activities, awards to win, adoptions ...
Description: A kid safe webring for year-round sites that contain things such as recipes, crafts, stories, games,...
Category: Society > Holidays > Christmas > Web Rings
h.webring.com/hub?ring=christmasfun

PRESS RELEASE (PRWEB Newswire) Search Engine Lists Launches. Dozens of topical searches are now quick and easy. Recipes search, Christmas search, wireless LAN search, writing search, quotes search, and much more.

Southern Astrological Signs

Red-eye Gravy Style!

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEE! VIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger! . You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) You're highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. Yo

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office who put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the taxes.
The people for whom you voted then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a
man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from
your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you
for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and
are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately
they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in
the hospital.

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
They go in hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the
best-looking cow.


CALIFORNIA HAPPY COWS

Crowd herd of happy fun loving cows into a small dirt lot.
Feed cows

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in
his back yard. He goes to a chain saw shop and asks about
various chain saws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why
don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get
the top-of-the-line model. This chain saw will cut a hundred
cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chain saw home and begins working on the
trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two
cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong
with the chain saw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two
cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the
morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and
cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only
manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it
would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem.
I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to
himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and
explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim,
removes the chain saw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it
looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chain saw, to which the man responds,
"What's that noise?

Laws of Parenting

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next
morning.

2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive.

7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

10. The more challenging the child, the more rewarding it is to be a
parent...sometimes.

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked my wife.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," I answered.

"But you're 75 years old!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," I protested.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," she pointed out.

The next day I teed off with her brother looking on. I swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" I asked.

"Yup," he answered.

"Well, where is it?" I yelled, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot." he said.