Funny Jokes

11.21.2003

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My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of
three. When he was in the first grade he came home one day
very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter
his mother asked, "Chris, what happened today to upset you
so?"

He answered, "It's not fair that I'm not allowed to go to
the library."

His mother became very concerned and asked, "Why aren't
you allowed to go to the library?"

With a tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to
the library you have to have super-vision, and I wear
glasses!"

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11.20.2003

Relatives?

A young couple drove several miles down a country road,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband
sarcastically asked, 'Are they relatives of yours?'

'Yes,' his wife replied. 'I married into the family.'

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Getting Old

In case you didn't realize it, as we get older we develop a marvelous sense
of humor. In many cases, it's simply a matter of survival. Here
are a few examples:


An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he
insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the
operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his
son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go
well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."
-----------------------------------------
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.

------------------------------------------

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

------------------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know
"why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.

--------------------------------------------
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

----------------------------------------------
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
Algebra.
---------------------------------------------

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

----------------------------------------------

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

----------------------------------------------

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a
nice change from being young.

----------------------------------------------

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

-----------------------------------------------

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they
don't recognize you.

--------------------------------------------

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at
when you are old.

--------------------------------------

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up
your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

-------------------------------------------

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called
witchcraft... Today, it's called golf.

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Phoenix

Welcome to Phoenix!

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is:
"Fe -niks."

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.
Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules... the cars/truck with the loudest muffler goes next at a 4-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that.
(Note: Blue haired ladies driving anything have right of way anytime.)

3. To find anything in Phoenix it is required that you know where Central and Washington is... which is the Alpha and Omega. The Beginning and the End.

4. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot.

6. You must know that "Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway, I-10" are the same road.

7. Construction is a permanent fixture in Phoenix. The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next days driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, pot holes, cats, pieces of other cars, truck tires, squirrels, rabbits, and crows or vultures feeding on any of these items.

9 . If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated".

10. The minimum acceptable speed on "all freeways, I-10, I-17 & U. S. 60 (see above) is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy..
This is Arizona's version of NASCAR.

11. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. (it maybe a hazard to your health)

12. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a
55-65 zone ... you are considered a road hazard, and will be "flipped off" accordingly.

13. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city driving.

14. If it's 70 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.


Again we say,
WELCOME TO PHOENIX, ARIZONA.
Enjoy your stay!!!


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Dining out one evening, I noticed six teenagers
boisterously celebrating some event at a nearby table.
Toward their end of their meal, one of them got up and
produced a camera.

"Hey, wait a minute," one of her companions said. "You
have to be in the picture too."

When I approached and asked if I could help, the girl who
owned the camera was delighted. I snapped a picture of the
group and then, being unfamiliar with the camera, I asked
her, "Do you want me to take another in case that one
doesn't come out?"

"Oh, no, that's okay," she chirped innocently. "I always
get double prints."

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11.18.2003

First Driving Lesson

My teenaged niece Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson.

As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, 'Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing.'

Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced,

'I'm going left.'

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New Survivor

THE
NEXT
SURVIVOR
SERIES
*
*
*
*

Six married men

will be dropped

on an island

with

1 car

and

4 kids

each,

for 6 weeks.

Each kid plays two sports
and either
takes
music or
dance classes.
*
*
*
There is no access to fast food.

***

Each man must
take care of his 4 kids,
keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework,
complete science projects,
cook,
do laundry,
etc.
*
*
*
*
*
The men only have
access to television
When the kids are asleep and
all chores are done.
There is only one TV between them
and ..


there is NO REMOTE

*****

The men must shave their legs,
wear makeup daily,
which they must apply themselves,
either while driving or
while making four lunches.

*****
They must attend weekly PTA meetings;
*
clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m.;
*
make an Indian hut model with
six toothpicks,! a tortilla and
one marker;
*
and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas.
*
*
*
*
*
The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.
*****
The last man wins

only if...

he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.
*

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The Cuban Dog

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street
when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an
effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up
arriving in front of her all at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering
on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in
return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on
the three suitors, the Poodle decides to be kind and
tells them,
"The first one of you who uses the words 'liver' and
'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent
sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Labrador Retriever speaks
up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle, "that shows no
imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and
said, "How well can you do?"

"Um...I HATE liver and cheese!" blurts the Golden
Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle, "I guess it's hopeless.
That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says,
"How about you?"

The last of the three males is a handsome exiled Cuban
dog. He gives her a big smile, a sly wink, turns to
the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says in broken
English...

"Liver alone, Cheese mine."


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WORDS (some)WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right
and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this
will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football
game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually
used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards.! "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will
last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing"
and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will
get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and
"Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when
she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over
"Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is
content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.


THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you
back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is
often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD.
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big
trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to
come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that
yo! u have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you
shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when
she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in
some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask
what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you
"Nothing"


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11.17.2003

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11.16.2003

Christmas Cards Postage

Christmas Cards postage


A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for
her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas
stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "Good grief! Has it come to this?

Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Protestants, 32 Baptists."

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