SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. Anna Nicole and the O.J. trials were a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOF'S: Well-Off Older Folks.

"Surf Net Media" is now SurfNet Media Group, Inc.

Chapter 1: THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run a marathon.
4. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
5. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
6. Things you buy now won't wear out.
7. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
8. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
9. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
11. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
12. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Chapter 2: GAMES FOR WHEN YOU
ARE OLDER

1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc, Doc, Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical recliners.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Chapter 3: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =





Chapter 4: SIGNS OF WEAR

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

If you're under 50, this may be amusing.

If you're over 50, this is probably reality

An orthopedic surgeon had his staff help him transport medical items to his
new office. His receptionist placed a display skeleton in the front seat of her car and headed across town.

As she sat at a traffic light, she noticed the curious stares.

"I'm taking him to my doctor's office", she explained to the man in the car next to hers.

"I hate to tell you, lady", he said, 'but I think it's too late".

Customized Pizza Order

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.
How May I serve you..."

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."

Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold
on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you
live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone
number's 494-2366. Your office number over at
Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's
266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get
all this information?"

Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order
a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..."

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea,
sir."

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate
that you've got very high blood pressure and
extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health
Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean
Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it"

Customer: "What makes you think I'd like
something like that?"

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet
Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week,
sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two
family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?"

Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your
wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you
put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card
number."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid
you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance
is over its limit."

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get
some cash before your driver gets here."

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your
checking account's overdrawn."

Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas.
I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir.
It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry
you might want to pick 'em up while you're out
getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a
motorcycle can be a little awkward."

Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding
a bike?"

Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on
your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your
Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be
using it."

Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language,
sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for
cussing out a cop."

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget
the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with
the pizzas."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our advert's
exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free
soda to diabetics."

Whales

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The
teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though it was a very large
mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated
that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not
swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little
girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

When the teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?", the
little girl replied, "Then you can ask him."

In the wake of the Exxon/Mobile deal and the AOL/Time Warner implosion,be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these interesting consolidations in 2004:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R
Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become: Poly, Warner Cracker.


3. Goodyear will merge with 3M and issue forth as: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.



6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell
Honeychild.




7. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

That's all for now.....invest!!

Bible sales are up!

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.

Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,"Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

Louie just nodded.

That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold
10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

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