FAMOUS AND WITTY QUOTES ...



The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and have the two as close together as possible.
~~~George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea visit people only once a year.
~~~Victor Borge

What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce.
~~~Mark Twain

My wife is a sex object.
Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
~~~Les Dawson

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if
you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~~~Socrates

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~~~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she
stops to breathe.
~~~Jimmy Durante

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~~~Alex Levine

A woman drove me to drink...and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank
her.
~~~W.C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
~~~W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~~~George Burns

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
~~~Unknown

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
~~~Unknown