THE JOKES:

>Subject: Comedians on Kerry

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>COMEDIANS ON KERRY
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>"The White House begun airing their TV commercials to
>re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is
>condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said, it is
>unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in
>order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam War."
>-Jay Leno
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>"John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the
>wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take
>the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He
>can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm
>Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for
>the working man." - Jay Leno
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>"I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that
>he's already planning his White House sex scandal."
>-David Letterman
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>"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president.
>Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the
>flash and the sizzle." - Craig Kilborn
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>"Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate.
>They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in
>campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for
>$50 million, Kerry will change his position on gay marriage
>and marry him." - Jay Leno
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>"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now
>supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy
>has more positions than Paris Hilton." - David Letterman
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>"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back
>pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox
>-his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues."
>- Jay Leno
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>"An Internet report claims that John Kerry had an affair
>with a young woman, but that she still loves him and will
>deny it. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky
>scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'"
>-Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live
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>"Over the weekend, John Kerry - the big John Kerry
>juggernaut moves on - he won primaries in Washington D.C.,
>Nevada and, I think, Canada. And he's so confident that
>he's started nailing that intern again." - David Letterman
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>"The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The
>time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one
>candidate.' Then he said, 'And until we find that man, we
>will have to endorse John Kerry.'" - Conan O'Brien
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>"The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists
>feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They
>say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a
>war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll
>be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him."
>-Jay Leno
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>"John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts
>for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the
>matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'" - Jay Leno
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>"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said
>his FIRST WIFE was worth around $300 million and his SECOND
>WIFE, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. His
>intern (with whom he supposedly had an affair) was worth
>several more million. So when John Kerry says he's going
>after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking.
>He's doing it!" - Jay Leno
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>"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said
>that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of
>privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the
>multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." - Jay Leno
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>"A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South
>is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern
>blacks is obvious. He is an ultra-liberal, ultra-wealthy
>white man who lives far, far away." - Dennis Miller
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>"The big winner on Super Tuesday was Senator John Kerry. He
>won 39 percent of the vote, which is pretty good, and begs
>the question, why the long face?" - Jay Leno
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>"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the
>beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree.
>Sure, it will probably take another five years, but this is it."
>-Jay Leno
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