[arizona_humor] Groaners of the Weak 07-24-04
GROANERS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 07-24-04
THE GROANERS
A shocking autobiography by someone we will call Monica L. Is expected
to be out soon and will probably cause as much talk as did that of her
lover. In it she will reveal that she has always had a problem with her
weight, to the point where she considered herself obese. Due to
rejection, she became an easy prey to young men and girls alike. So
when she was approached by the Secret Service and told that they not
only knew of her current affair but her earlier life, they were
prepared to take away her security clearance which would end everything
she had worked so hard for. Up until that time, she had met her lover
only in places that could not be adequately surveyed and the evidence
would not stand up in court. If she would agree to have a sexual act in
the oval office, her previous life would be ignored and she could
continue her internship. She agreed to there demands and the rest is
history.. Which just goes to show It's not oval until the fat lady
stings. (Stan Kegel)
I don't believe I ever told you about my past with different groups.
Recently, Mr. Kerry's son and Mr. Edwards son got together to form a
singing duet. I was the "roadie" for them, but I did a lot more than
just setting up equipment. I was responsible for all of the little
things that need doing. All the problems were covered by John's son &
John's sons' band aide. (Jack Spiegel)
A year-long argument was finally settled a few days ago with a
conference in the Mayor's office. The situation involved a
double-booking of the Town Hall, with a computer trade show and a
Shakespeare appreciation society performance. After hearing talks
from both parties, the Mayor and the town's entertainment committee
discussed the matter and decided to let the Shakespeare appreciation
society use the hall for their performance. It just goes to show that
"actors speak louder than nerds!" (Phil Hudson)
The ants were surprised when Spring Cleaning day came along. They had
been having a contended carpet-picnic, picking up tiny pieces of
dropped ham, turkey, beef and other delicacies, when the home-owners
had begun their cleaning rampage. The ants hadn't planned on doing any
work themselves, but they got swept up in the excitement. (Jason Dias)
A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is
done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend
that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You
told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be
broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of
course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the
organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake,
food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone." The
friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My stars, how big was
it?" The widow says, "Three carats!" (John Price)
The Gershwin brothers, George and Ira, recently visited a town where
Puff Daddy Combs (now Diddly Poo, or something like that), Eminem, and
the late Tupac Shakur were headlining a local music festival. Early in
the morning, a beautiful azure haze covered everything. Thus inspired,
they came up with the perfect name for the place -- Rap City in Blue.
(Alan B. Combs)
The jeweler needed to shave the black stone down on one side to ensure
a good fit to the piece he was working on. The tool he was going to use
for that purpose suddenly struck him as being much to dowdy for an
upscale jewelry manufacturer such as himself, so he took dropped the
stone project and instead began to gold plate his jewelry tools. Yes,
he was leafing on a jet plane. (Jason Dias)
Alas, all he wanted was to be the best barber in the world, even if
only by a hair, but, alas he found his ambition thwarted by a headlong
rush of fate and an unexpected side effect of his tonsorial skill --
everyone he served became strangely calmer and less argumentative, and
he discovered that people were coming to him only for his kinder cuts,
this barber of civility. (Alan B. Combs)
They burst into his home on Christmas Eve, waving Uzis and nine- mils,
the Don a step behind, just as Pease was pulling the bird out of the
oven, and he could tell by the aroma and the clear-running juices that
his goose was cooked. (Jason Dias)
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet
with the church board following the close of the service. The first man
to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger. "You
misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members,"
explained the minister. "I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone
here more bored than I am, then I'd like to meet him." (Douglas Helsel)
The knife handle jutted from her chest like one of the plastic pop-up
timers in a frozen turkey, but from the blood pooling around the wound,
it was apparent that this bird wasn't done. (Alaine Sepulveda)
A Haitian bank teller thought she was being followed by a zombie, so
she went to the police. The detective said, "OK, you think some guy is
following you?" She said, "Not 'some guy' - a zombie. One of the
walking dead." The detective sighed in relief and told her to go on
back to her job at the bank, because, he said, "The first thing every
detective learns is ... Dead Men Tail No Tellers." (Bevjo McGuire)
A rare delicacy indeed is sautéed sloth. Using the middle toe of the
great Australian three-toed sloth, the only edible part of the
creature, the careful chef de-bones it, pounds it as with veal, and
sautés it briefly over a hot flame with shallots, carrot circles, and
the faintest touch of Tabasco. Prepared in this fashion, sloth is an
excellent main course, not unlike alligator in texture and taste. Many
people are under the false impression that sloth does not make a good
meal, but this is because they've eaten it improperly prepared. It can
only be sautéed, a fact unappreciated in culinary circles. Too many
cooks broil the sloth. (Carol)
Paul was a passionate masseur. For years he pounded, stretched, pulled
and relaxed the most burdened, stressed, bent-out-of-shape bodies.
Then late one day, rather unexpectedly, he was fired. Apparently his
last client complained that he had rubbed her the wrong way. (Pastor
Tim)
As Reynoldo lit the votive candle at the grotto for San Jose de los
Platanos and prayed for the healthy delivery of his first child, he
heard a disembodied voice say, "Your daughter will be 17 inches long,"
to which Reynoldo replied, "do you know the weight, too, San Jose? (Tom
O'Leary)
Sleepless in Seattle, sleepless in Schenectady, and now--damn her bad
luck--sleepless in this god-forsaken pit Brad assured her was a
perfectly lovely out-of-the way and darling older, but totally updated
and refurbished, accommodation flushed with sunlight and surrounded by
swirling blue waters in Seward named the Tide Ebola Inn. (Pat Merrill)
It was another dork and Stormy Knight--after snapping the last of his
palm dampened dollar bills into the frazzled elastic of her G
string--sent him packing precisely three-eighths of a mile down Highway
20 to the spot where she'd promised him a glorious glimpse of
self-awareness, and where he would discover a slight depression in the
asphalt and find himself quizzically contemplating the adjacent
Department of Transportation sign that read simply: "Dip in Road."
(Rick Sutherland)
THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES
A man and his wife, who was 8 months pregnant, were shopping in crowded
mall. They had been trading humorous insults for most of the evening
and the man decided that he was going to really get her. He announced
in a loud voice, "If you don't stop insulting me, I'm not going to
marry you!" He was disappointed that only a few people around them
reacted but his wife managed to bring down the house when she responded
in an even louder voice, "Ok, fine! I won't tell you who the father
is!" (Caboom)
An elderly gentleman on a train was mumbling to himself, smiling, and
then raising his hand. After a moment of silence, he would go through
the same process: mumble, smile, raise hand, silence. Another passenger
observed this, and after about an hour, he said, "Pardon me, sir. Is
anything wrong?" "Oh, no," replied the oldster. "It's just that long
trips get boring so I tell myself jokes." "But why, sir," asked the
passenger, "do you keep raising your hand?" "Well," said the oldster,
"that's to interrupt myself because I've heard that one before."
(Beckie Shiles)
Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their
first baby. I was elated when he called me at work with the news of my
grandchild's birth. I took down all the statistics and turned to relate
it all to my co-workers. "I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's a baby
girl, and she weighs five pounds." "When was she born?" someone asked.
Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar,
and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!" (William Brabant)
Nancy was sometimes a very naughty seven year-old. On one of those
occasions, her mother tried to have a 'teachable moment' with her when
she said, "Don't you know that if you keep being so naughty, your
children will be naughty too?" Nancy started to giggle, louder and
louder. "And what is so funny, young lady?" the mother asked. "So what
did YOU do?!?" Hoover Dogs)
A grubby little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his
mother, "Who am I?" Thinking this was a new game she said, "I don't
know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the boy. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She
said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!" (Hooverdogs)
After hearing a speech on motivating employees, the owner of a large
business posted signs that read "Do It Now" on the wall of every
department at the office. It was impossible for the employees not to
see them all through the day. A friend dropped by a week later. Seeing
the signs, he asked if the scheme really worked. "Well," says the
business owner, "not exactly the way I thought it would. The cashier
ran off with $20,000, the office manager eloped with my secretary and
the rest of the employees asked for raises!" (Haust Javeri)
CONUNDRUMS FROM PUNY
In the Star Trek universe, the Vulcans can pursue a course of
attaining 'pure logic'. However, in my version of that same universe,
this procedure leads to something else. I find the Vulcans who pursue
this procedure getting constipated and being driven to expressing it
in a manner similar to Vincent Van Gogh and Michaelangelo. In my
universe, what would this procedure be called?
Colon-Art (David Bunch)
What international city is named for a sunbathing animal?
Istanbul (Steve Ryan)
What's the difference between a manicurist and a crack secretary?
One files nails. The other nails files (Lars Hanson)
Some people (who shall remain nameless) have really gotten into
watching bike racing and have even ordered digital cable so they can
watch it in marathon bursts. Last Friday morning I tuned in and began
watching non-stop coverage. 96 hours later I was startled out of my
stupor to by the sudden realization that it was my turn to post the
next Flip riddle. I have absolutely no memory of anything that happened
over the weekend from Friday morning right up until early Tuesday
morning. Reverend Spooner might say I was in a what?
Four Day Trance (Gary Hallock)
My honey and I spent the weekend at a classic almost-colonial-era Inn
in the Berkshires I noted that if you want a great afternoon snack, it
helps if your room has a what?
A canapé bed (Bob Dvorak)
Well, I'm glad I get to host one...I'd whomped up a few possible FLIPs
over the weekend so I'd Be Prepared if I won. Here goes. How might you
characterize the water-bearer's anger?
Rage of Aquarius. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Rich young folks from small contries can usually get the Olympic
experience by supporting themselves into the event. It happened that
way with a wealthy lad named Lewis from a small country on the
Mediterranean Sea and the southern coast of France. Lewis wanted to be
a winter Olympics downhiller and so he became one even with little
experience. What was the headline in his small country when he actually
became the Olympic champion?
Monico Lou wins ski (Gary Reeves)
If Peter O'Toole had become a gynecologist, what would his fans have
called him?
Lawrence of Our Labia (Stan Kegel)
When Casius Clay arrived at the orgy, everyone said something that
sounded like the moral of a Muslim story.
Mohammed came to the mountin'. (Jason Dias)
The female half of a wine-making couple always wore a certain hat when
it was time to go make the wine. When wine-making time came around
again, what old song did her husband sing to her to announce the fact?
Put on your old grape bonnet. (Cynthia MacGregor)
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THE GROANERS
A shocking autobiography by someone we will call Monica L. Is expected
to be out soon and will probably cause as much talk as did that of her
lover. In it she will reveal that she has always had a problem with her
weight, to the point where she considered herself obese. Due to
rejection, she became an easy prey to young men and girls alike. So
when she was approached by the Secret Service and told that they not
only knew of her current affair but her earlier life, they were
prepared to take away her security clearance which would end everything
she had worked so hard for. Up until that time, she had met her lover
only in places that could not be adequately surveyed and the evidence
would not stand up in court. If she would agree to have a sexual act in
the oval office, her previous life would be ignored and she could
continue her internship. She agreed to there demands and the rest is
history.. Which just goes to show It's not oval until the fat lady
stings. (Stan Kegel)
I don't believe I ever told you about my past with different groups.
Recently, Mr. Kerry's son and Mr. Edwards son got together to form a
singing duet. I was the "roadie" for them, but I did a lot more than
just setting up equipment. I was responsible for all of the little
things that need doing. All the problems were covered by John's son &
John's sons' band aide. (Jack Spiegel)
A year-long argument was finally settled a few days ago with a
conference in the Mayor's office. The situation involved a
double-booking of the Town Hall, with a computer trade show and a
Shakespeare appreciation society performance. After hearing talks
from both parties, the Mayor and the town's entertainment committee
discussed the matter and decided to let the Shakespeare appreciation
society use the hall for their performance. It just goes to show that
"actors speak louder than nerds!" (Phil Hudson)
The ants were surprised when Spring Cleaning day came along. They had
been having a contended carpet-picnic, picking up tiny pieces of
dropped ham, turkey, beef and other delicacies, when the home-owners
had begun their cleaning rampage. The ants hadn't planned on doing any
work themselves, but they got swept up in the excitement. (Jason Dias)
A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is
done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend
that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You
told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be
broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of
course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the
organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake,
food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone." The
friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My stars, how big was
it?" The widow says, "Three carats!" (John Price)
The Gershwin brothers, George and Ira, recently visited a town where
Puff Daddy Combs (now Diddly Poo, or something like that), Eminem, and
the late Tupac Shakur were headlining a local music festival. Early in
the morning, a beautiful azure haze covered everything. Thus inspired,
they came up with the perfect name for the place -- Rap City in Blue.
(Alan B. Combs)
The jeweler needed to shave the black stone down on one side to ensure
a good fit to the piece he was working on. The tool he was going to use
for that purpose suddenly struck him as being much to dowdy for an
upscale jewelry manufacturer such as himself, so he took dropped the
stone project and instead began to gold plate his jewelry tools. Yes,
he was leafing on a jet plane. (Jason Dias)
Alas, all he wanted was to be the best barber in the world, even if
only by a hair, but, alas he found his ambition thwarted by a headlong
rush of fate and an unexpected side effect of his tonsorial skill --
everyone he served became strangely calmer and less argumentative, and
he discovered that people were coming to him only for his kinder cuts,
this barber of civility. (Alan B. Combs)
They burst into his home on Christmas Eve, waving Uzis and nine- mils,
the Don a step behind, just as Pease was pulling the bird out of the
oven, and he could tell by the aroma and the clear-running juices that
his goose was cooked. (Jason Dias)
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet
with the church board following the close of the service. The first man
to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger. "You
misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members,"
explained the minister. "I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone
here more bored than I am, then I'd like to meet him." (Douglas Helsel)
The knife handle jutted from her chest like one of the plastic pop-up
timers in a frozen turkey, but from the blood pooling around the wound,
it was apparent that this bird wasn't done. (Alaine Sepulveda)
A Haitian bank teller thought she was being followed by a zombie, so
she went to the police. The detective said, "OK, you think some guy is
following you?" She said, "Not 'some guy' - a zombie. One of the
walking dead." The detective sighed in relief and told her to go on
back to her job at the bank, because, he said, "The first thing every
detective learns is ... Dead Men Tail No Tellers." (Bevjo McGuire)
A rare delicacy indeed is sautéed sloth. Using the middle toe of the
great Australian three-toed sloth, the only edible part of the
creature, the careful chef de-bones it, pounds it as with veal, and
sautés it briefly over a hot flame with shallots, carrot circles, and
the faintest touch of Tabasco. Prepared in this fashion, sloth is an
excellent main course, not unlike alligator in texture and taste. Many
people are under the false impression that sloth does not make a good
meal, but this is because they've eaten it improperly prepared. It can
only be sautéed, a fact unappreciated in culinary circles. Too many
cooks broil the sloth. (Carol)
Paul was a passionate masseur. For years he pounded, stretched, pulled
and relaxed the most burdened, stressed, bent-out-of-shape bodies.
Then late one day, rather unexpectedly, he was fired. Apparently his
last client complained that he had rubbed her the wrong way. (Pastor
Tim)
As Reynoldo lit the votive candle at the grotto for San Jose de los
Platanos and prayed for the healthy delivery of his first child, he
heard a disembodied voice say, "Your daughter will be 17 inches long,"
to which Reynoldo replied, "do you know the weight, too, San Jose? (Tom
O'Leary)
Sleepless in Seattle, sleepless in Schenectady, and now--damn her bad
luck--sleepless in this god-forsaken pit Brad assured her was a
perfectly lovely out-of-the way and darling older, but totally updated
and refurbished, accommodation flushed with sunlight and surrounded by
swirling blue waters in Seward named the Tide Ebola Inn. (Pat Merrill)
It was another dork and Stormy Knight--after snapping the last of his
palm dampened dollar bills into the frazzled elastic of her G
string--sent him packing precisely three-eighths of a mile down Highway
20 to the spot where she'd promised him a glorious glimpse of
self-awareness, and where he would discover a slight depression in the
asphalt and find himself quizzically contemplating the adjacent
Department of Transportation sign that read simply: "Dip in Road."
(Rick Sutherland)
THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES
A man and his wife, who was 8 months pregnant, were shopping in crowded
mall. They had been trading humorous insults for most of the evening
and the man decided that he was going to really get her. He announced
in a loud voice, "If you don't stop insulting me, I'm not going to
marry you!" He was disappointed that only a few people around them
reacted but his wife managed to bring down the house when she responded
in an even louder voice, "Ok, fine! I won't tell you who the father
is!" (Caboom)
An elderly gentleman on a train was mumbling to himself, smiling, and
then raising his hand. After a moment of silence, he would go through
the same process: mumble, smile, raise hand, silence. Another passenger
observed this, and after about an hour, he said, "Pardon me, sir. Is
anything wrong?" "Oh, no," replied the oldster. "It's just that long
trips get boring so I tell myself jokes." "But why, sir," asked the
passenger, "do you keep raising your hand?" "Well," said the oldster,
"that's to interrupt myself because I've heard that one before."
(Beckie Shiles)
Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their
first baby. I was elated when he called me at work with the news of my
grandchild's birth. I took down all the statistics and turned to relate
it all to my co-workers. "I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's a baby
girl, and she weighs five pounds." "When was she born?" someone asked.
Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar,
and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!" (William Brabant)
Nancy was sometimes a very naughty seven year-old. On one of those
occasions, her mother tried to have a 'teachable moment' with her when
she said, "Don't you know that if you keep being so naughty, your
children will be naughty too?" Nancy started to giggle, louder and
louder. "And what is so funny, young lady?" the mother asked. "So what
did YOU do?!?" Hoover Dogs)
A grubby little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his
mother, "Who am I?" Thinking this was a new game she said, "I don't
know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the boy. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She
said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!" (Hooverdogs)
After hearing a speech on motivating employees, the owner of a large
business posted signs that read "Do It Now" on the wall of every
department at the office. It was impossible for the employees not to
see them all through the day. A friend dropped by a week later. Seeing
the signs, he asked if the scheme really worked. "Well," says the
business owner, "not exactly the way I thought it would. The cashier
ran off with $20,000, the office manager eloped with my secretary and
the rest of the employees asked for raises!" (Haust Javeri)
CONUNDRUMS FROM PUNY
In the Star Trek universe, the Vulcans can pursue a course of
attaining 'pure logic'. However, in my version of that same universe,
this procedure leads to something else. I find the Vulcans who pursue
this procedure getting constipated and being driven to expressing it
in a manner similar to Vincent Van Gogh and Michaelangelo. In my
universe, what would this procedure be called?
Colon-Art (David Bunch)
What international city is named for a sunbathing animal?
Istanbul (Steve Ryan)
What's the difference between a manicurist and a crack secretary?
One files nails. The other nails files (Lars Hanson)
Some people (who shall remain nameless) have really gotten into
watching bike racing and have even ordered digital cable so they can
watch it in marathon bursts. Last Friday morning I tuned in and began
watching non-stop coverage. 96 hours later I was startled out of my
stupor to by the sudden realization that it was my turn to post the
next Flip riddle. I have absolutely no memory of anything that happened
over the weekend from Friday morning right up until early Tuesday
morning. Reverend Spooner might say I was in a what?
Four Day Trance (Gary Hallock)
My honey and I spent the weekend at a classic almost-colonial-era Inn
in the Berkshires I noted that if you want a great afternoon snack, it
helps if your room has a what?
A canapé bed (Bob Dvorak)
Well, I'm glad I get to host one...I'd whomped up a few possible FLIPs
over the weekend so I'd Be Prepared if I won. Here goes. How might you
characterize the water-bearer's anger?
Rage of Aquarius. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Rich young folks from small contries can usually get the Olympic
experience by supporting themselves into the event. It happened that
way with a wealthy lad named Lewis from a small country on the
Mediterranean Sea and the southern coast of France. Lewis wanted to be
a winter Olympics downhiller and so he became one even with little
experience. What was the headline in his small country when he actually
became the Olympic champion?
Monico Lou wins ski (Gary Reeves)
If Peter O'Toole had become a gynecologist, what would his fans have
called him?
Lawrence of Our Labia (Stan Kegel)
When Casius Clay arrived at the orgy, everyone said something that
sounded like the moral of a Muslim story.
Mohammed came to the mountin'. (Jason Dias)
The female half of a wine-making couple always wore a certain hat when
it was time to go make the wine. When wine-making time came around
again, what old song did her husband sing to her to announce the fact?
Put on your old grape bonnet. (Cynthia MacGregor)
------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
Make a clean sweep of pop-up ads. Yahoo! Companion Toolbar.
Now with Pop-Up Blocker. Get it for free!
http://us.click.yahoo.com/L5YrjA/eSIIAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->
Humor Sites
********************************************
If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor
or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Silly Stories
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Funny Quotes
Love Quotes
Yahoo! Groups Links
<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/
<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
arizona_humor-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
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