[arizona_humor] Groaners of the Weak 07-31-04

GROANERS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 07-31-04

THE GROANERS

A couple had two children, a boy and a girl, who both turned out to be
gay. At first they remained closeted, but they were both musicians, and
when they found themselves quasi-famous, they feared being exposed in
the press and decided it was better if they were forthcoming about
their sexuality. The daughter has scheduled a press conference for this
afternoon in which she plans to introduce her life partner to the
press and tell the world she's a lesbian. And the son'll come out
tomorrow (Cynthia MacGregor)

This the story of a woodcarver who lived in a house in a forest with a
rabbit and a housemaid. Among the duties of the housemaid was to dress
the rabbit each morning as he was unable to dress himself. One day,
after they had had their breakfast and the rabbit was dressed, the
rabbit and the woodcarver went out into the forest to find wood that
would be suitable for carving. They soon found what they agreed was a
wonderful piece of wood just perfect for a wood sculpture.
Unfortunately, they couldn't agree on what to carve. The woodcarver
wanted to carve a mother sheep feeding her lambs. The rabbit wanted to
see the piece become a wooden Dutch shoe. Finally, they agreed to let
the housemaid decide, so they went back to the cottage and explained
their problem. The housemaid decided to flip a coin: Heads would mean
that the woodcarver would carve the sheep, tails would mean that the
shoe would win. You can imagine the suspense when she flicked up the
coin, caught it and peeked. Wood ewe or wooden shoe? Only the
haredresser knew for sure. (Sandy Sibert)

The soprano was hungry and refused to sing the opera if she didn't have
something to eat first. Misjudging the time before her cue, she grabbed
a huge bite of a pastrami sandwich just as the stage manager hissed,
"You're on," and so the audience had to listen to Carmen through the
rye. (Cynthia MacGregor)

At the Waffle house, a regular customer was served his breakfast, but
it arrived with only three sausages instead of the usual four. The
waitress explained that the cook had dropped one on the floor and was
making another. Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen with the
freshly cooked sausage on a small plate and said, "Here you are." And
the customer said, "Look. It's the missing link!" (Arca Max)

A college fraternity was hosting an all-night binge drinking party but
they had only one toilet. With constant use all evening, it wasn't long
before the commode backed up and flooded them out. I guess you could
say the spirits were swilling but the flush was weak. (Gary Hallock)

Last night, I was frustrated by a mole who was digging up the hill
toward the house, leaving a trail of mounds. So I went outside to take
the hose and try to wash the mole out of its tunnel. As I left I
overheard my daughter, Jennifer, saying, "There goes Dad again, . . .
making fountains out of mole hills." (Douglas Helsel)

In a recent NBC poll in which people were asked whether they would
prefer to kill a minstrel or to kill a mime, nearly 83 percent
chose to shoot the minstrel. You see, they all agreed that a mime
is a terrible thing to waste. (Venky)

Yesterday I went into an antiquarian music store, wanting to buy a Mick
Jagger solo album. Unfortunately, I tripped, and the Jagger L. P. flew
out of my hand like a Frisbee and broke two records featuring Roger
McGuinn, David Crosby, Chris Hillman, Gene Clark and Michael Clarke.
Sadly, I had to pay. As he was collecting the damages, the owner said,
"You killed two Byrds with one Stone!" (Archives)

I was complaining the other day to a friend about the knot in my tie.
"These four-in-hands with their tiny knots are so unstylish," I
complained. He asked, "Do you know how to do a Windsor knot?" I
replied, "It doesn't matter if you Windsor knot, it's how you play the
game! (Daily Groaner)

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war
with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the
Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate,
he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Crosus said,
"I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for
it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the King!"
Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star .... makes no difference
who you are!" (Hoover Dog)

The rural community of Relief, Kentucky, once had as the head of its
town council a man named Cyrus. He called himself "Cy of Relief."
Unfortunately, Cy was not very popular with his fellow council members,
who seldom passed the measures he proposed. Totally exasperated,
finally showed up at a meeting leading a female sheep. "If you don't
like my ideas," he snorted, "why don't you just make this sheep head of
council?" For I once they agreed with him. As one man, they rose to
their feet and sang, . . . "We only have ayes for ewe!" (Archives)

There was a show on TV when I was a kid called "You Asked for It."
People would write in asking to see something they were curious about,
and it would be filmed for the show. My uncle happened to be present
when a crew were filming San Francisco's Lombard Street for a viewer
request, and having an incredible series of SNAFU's and delays. He
remembered an exasperated director shouting, "Come on! Come on! Let's
get this road on the show!" (Daily Groaner)

A woman goes to this Dr Goldberg because she isn't feeling well. She
returns home crying. "What's wrong?", her husband asks. "The doctor
says I've got tuberculosis and I'm going to die yet". The husband calls
the doctor for confirmation of the diagnosis. He returns to the wife.
"Dear, you misunderstood. . . . The doctor said you have too big a
tochus and you've got to diet." (Tochus = Rump) (Gill Ross)

I own a pet parrot who is very friendly and talkative. I bought a
beautiful golden cage to keep him in. As I said, he is very friendly
and everyone loves him. Lately, however, his droppings have become
quite odoriferous. It had reached the point where you couldn?t walk in
the room without feeling nauseous. I tried various household solutions
to clean the cage, and get rid of the odors but none would work.
Finally the bird, himself, came up with the solution, I heard him
singing, "Ammonia a bird in a gilded cage" (Stan Kegel)

The mother tried dressing up foods to make them more attractive to her
child, but the four-year-old refused to eat almost everything. Finally
the mother hit on a scheme to use herbs and lay them out in the shape
of favorite story characters on top of the foods she served, and thus
tempt her child. Her first attempt--recreating William Tell, arrow and
all, out of rosemary--was a failure, and so was her second try, when
she shaped Miss Muffet's spider out of thyme. But at last she
succeeded: Realizing that her child was crazy for dogs, she created a
Pooh dill. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Little did the homophobic Neanderthal know that his locker-room
cat-calls directed toward Ben as a child would later inspire the young
lad when it came time to name the ointment the old guy now uses to
soothe his daily aches and pains. (Brad Simanek)

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days
later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous
young lady on his arm. A couple of days later, when the old man had an
appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, "You're really
doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said
doctor, "Get a hot mama and be cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't
say that! I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!" (Jeremy E.
Alperin)

A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind
comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there,
bracing themselves against the gale. All the cows stand up and go back
to their chewing. Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through and
all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on
the grass. Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are
knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls just say, "Mooo..."
Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo?
Is that all you can say? How come the wind always knocks us right over
and you just stand there?" "Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies "We
bulls wobble, but we don't fall down." (Tim Davis)

I was standing in my backyard when I noticed my neighbor struggling
to build a wall around his patio. After putting up some bricks and
cementing them together, he stood back to examine his work.
Disappointed, he kicked it down and started over. He must have done
this three or four times. "Hey, Bill," I said finally, "how's it
going?" As he began stacking the bricks once again, Bill murmured,
"It's been trowel and error." (Joan DeGrave)

Half an hour after the farmer's wife had told the children to get the
butter churned for dinner, she found them sitting and staring at a big
fat worm. "Why aren't you churning instead of staring at that thing?"
she demanded. "Shucks, Ma," explained the oldest, We were hoping that
the worm would churn! (By John Fenn)

The other day I decided to bake a cake and so, with my wife's
permission, I got set to work in the kitchen. Then I discovered that we
didn't have any butter, so I sent my dog to buy some. On the way, he
passed a book store and, being intrigued by a display in the window, he
went in and came home with a dog-eared book of poems. The point of my
story is: Never send a literary dog to the grocery store because he'll
get verse before he gets butter!" (By Carl Hess)

Long ago there was a kingdom where the King wore a brightly colored
vest instead of a crown. The vest was adorned with all different colors
of berries to make it beautiful. Maintaining this vest was difficult
because it needed freshening daily. In order to do this, his people
would go into the mountains with big nets. They would throw the nets
over the berry bushes, and snare the fresh berries for the King. The
people valued and honored this vest as the symbol of the throne. And so
it was a tragedy when one day the colors on the King's vest were fading
badly. The people were asked to bring in fresh berries, but there were
none to be had. The King looked very bad, so much so that he so he
issued this proclamation, "A reward will be paid for those who snare
enough to mend the berry vest." (Harry Tilden)

THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

As a high school football coach, I'm aware that student athletes tend
to focus too much on sports. Bob, a fellow coach, was talking about one
such player, who called him at home one night. When his wife informed
the kid that Bob wasn't home, he became frantic and said he had to
speak to the coach right away. "Just calm down, and I'll have him call
you as soon as he gets home," the coach's wife told him. "What's your
number?" The flustered kid replied, "Three." (Douglas Helsel)

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they
produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner
became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat
your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other,
shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches. (Terry Galen)

My friend, Carolyn, was frustrated by how often her four-year-old son,
Brian, was getting dirty playing outside. At wit's end, she finally
said, "Brian, can't you play someplace where it's cleaner?" "If God
didn't want us to play in the dirt," Brian logically said, "why did he
make so much of it?" (Douglas Helsel)

Mr. Liebowitz, having grown fabulously wealthy, was set out to retire
and, for the purpose, had had built a huge mansion in exurbia.
Proudly, he displayed this house and all its glories to a party of old
friends. Finally, they arrived at the dining room, a chamber so large
that from one end, the other end appeared a hazy blue with distance.
Liebowitz pointed to the lovely mahogany table that ran the full length
of the room and said, "And in this one room, we can entertain, at one
time, as many as a hundred and twenty people -- G~d forbid." (Irene
Ariel Mystery)

Nancy was sometimes a very naughty seven year-old. On one of those
occasions, her mother tried to have a 'teachable moment' with her when
she said, "Don't you know that if you keep being so naughty, your
children will be naughty too?" Nancy started to giggle, louder and
louder. "And what is so funny, young lady?" the mother asked. "So what
did YOU do?!?" (Fun World)

His closest advisors came to visit Dubya at the White House one evening
and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were
astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he
was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a
jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an
accomplishment. "Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time." When
asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after
only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great. "Oh yeah?"
said the commander in chief, "Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!" (Larry B.
S.)

If California can't solve the energy crisis, it will spread to the rest
of the nation, and the economy will collapse, and we will become a
primitive society where we all run around naked with spears and refuse
to attend meetings. Wouldn't that be great?" (Dave Barry)

My husband refused to learn how to operate a PC. I tried to get him to
realize how important it is, since all our financial records are stored
on disks. "What if something happens to me?" I asked him. "You wouldn't
know what our assets are." "Honey," he replied, "if something happened
to you, I wouldn't need any money." (Terry Tubman)

When my husband was taking a college English class, his teacher
announced, "For your assignment, I want you to describe yourselves in
10 words or fewer." My husband wrote, "Succinct." (Gail S. Angel)

CONUNDRUMS FROM PUNY

The Atlanta Center for Disease Control has just opened a new department
to gather data on an increasing number of HIV cases contracted at strip
clubs. Somehow the female dancers are getting the infection from
intense stares by men with HIV. The new disease is being called ? What?
Visual Aids (Gary Reeves )

What World War II weapon was invented by a singing cowboy movie star?
A Tom Mix Bomb (Stan Kegel)

As a part of their treatment, doctors often will introduce radioactive
material into the digestive tract of a cancer patient. Obviously not
all such patients survive and many are subsequently interred in the
cemetery. So many, in one case, that the neighbors began to complain
about an eerie glow coming from the graveyard at night. The EPA finally
intervened and informed the morticians that they would have switch to
cremation or some other method of disposal. Specifically, what were
they told they could no longer do with these bodies?
You can’t barium enema (Gary Hallock)

Two psychiatrists got together and ventured quite successfully into
the modern music scene. In so doing they created a whole new variation
on a popular genre. What was it called?
Shrink Rap (Lars Hanson)

The method actor landed a gig as a gangland `problem solver' off off
Broadway. After his first performance, the critics were quite harsh
but, after his second performance in a deserted parking garage)
They were blown away. (Jason Dias)

After Mexican Food for dinner, a co-worker was especially ripe the next
day. It got so bad that the rest of us drew straws to see who would
confront him. I lost. I told him, "Dude! You've got to do something!
There's a cloud of stench surrounding you!" He just laughed and said,
"That's my rising sign." I stared with disbelief. "What has that smell
got to do with your horoscope?" I asked. He chuckled and said, "It's
the symbol for Sagittarius. It's my …?
Scent aura (Clynch Varnadore)

What type of pastry might have four and twenty blackbirds baked into it?
A Mag Pie (Cynthia MacGregor)

What country is the cleanest in the world?
Ivory Coast (Scott Ryan)

What computer software would a witch need to use if she wants to place
a hex on a taxicab?
A spell checker (Gary Hallock)

What play is about a faithful young woman who is publicly accused of
infidelity by her beau to her deep embarrassment?
The Shaming of the True (Stan Kegel)

What orchestral instrument does an Idaho spud play?
The tuber (Cynthia MacGregor)

A soprano could not get the attention of the lead male singer that
could hit those low low notes. The reason was that he was having an
affair with the oboe player, who was learning to play another wind
instrument with an even lower pitch. So, when the soprano made her
moves the oboe player could only privately smirk because she knew ?
What?
"She would have the bass soon." (Gary Reeves)

What is the name of the House-Senate Conference Committee that is
considering legislation to legalize Cannabis products when used for
medical purposes?
A Joint Session of Congress (Stan Kegel)

Where do elderly photographers go to live out their declining years?
The Old Focus Home (Gary Hallock)

If my mother‘s sister‘s daughter and I opened a restaurant together,
what might we call it?
Cousin Cusine (Cynthia MacGregor)

What is the favorite Old Testament book of kitchen counter top
installers?
Laminations (David Bunch)

What saint chased the snakes out of Ireland three times?
St. Hat-Trick (Cynthia MacGregor)

A doctor whose office was in a suburban shopping center was
successfully sued for what?
Mall Practice (Stan Kegel)

Why are most monkeys not interested in politics?
They’re Ape-olitical (Gary Hallock)




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