[arizona_humor] Kids Puns of the Week 07-27-04

KIDS PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 07-27-04

JEST FOR KIDS * THE RIDDLES

Why did the runner bring his barber to the Olympics?
He wanted to shave a few seconds off his time. (Mike Benny)

What did the piano say to the fish?
How many scales do you have? (Brandon, 9)

What do you call an owl with a sore throat?
A bird that doesn't give a hoot. (Rosie O’Donnell)

Why was the house mortgage sad?
Because he was going to be a loan for 15 years (Kyle, 1)

How do you think the crop would be if you crossed wheat-germ with
acorns?
Oak hay. (Jason Dias)

What did the bee wear?
A yellow jacket (Brandon, 9)

Why are those who study the moon optimists?
They look at the bright side. (Mike Bull)

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crummy. (Kim,13)

What do you get when you cross a cantelope with a cauliflower?
A melancholy baby! Norm Gilbert

Why is it so windy at sporting events?
Because of all the fans! (Lindsay, 12)

What do cats cook when they're in a hurry?
Minute-mice. (Rosie O'Donnell)

What did the pig say when the room got too hot?
I never sausage heat. (Daily Groaner)

How is a fisherman like a hypochondriac?
Both have to catch something to be happy. (Lawrence)

What do you call a pedicurist who's repeatedly nailed for shoplifting?
A Clip-Toe Maniac (Gary Hallock)

Why are cooks so cruel?
Because they beat the eggs and whip the cream! (Ellen,10)

What's a bubbles favorite music?
Pop (Alexis Fowler)

How would it turn out if you crossed a pine tree with poisonous
mushrooms?
Knot bad. (Bob Dvorak)

What candy do you eat on the playground?
Recess Pieces. (Daily Groaner)

What underseas creature has a lot of arms and is fast on the draw?
Billy the squid. (Julio, 10)

What do cats cook when they're in a hurry?
Minute-mice. (Rosie O’Donnell)

What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don't look, I'm changing! (Victoria, 13)

Did you hear about the unique platypus?
He was unlike all the otters. (Clean Laffs)

What do you call a couple of banana peels?
A pair of slippers! (Skye, 8)

In Star Wars, why did the Evil Empire leave Catholic nuns alone?
Force of habit (Douglas Helsel)

What do ants use to smell good?
Deodor-ant! (Alyssa, 7)

What happened when the gardener accidentally sprayed his spice garden
with herbicide instead of pesticide?
He ended up just killing thyme. (Daily Groaner)

What kind of telephones do convicts prefer?
Cell-ular phones. (Mike Benny)

Why did the zombie decide to stay in his coffin?
Because he felt rotten (Yea Ram, 8)

What is a medium?
A ruined steak (K. C. Doyle)

What did the cat who had no money say?
I'm Paw (Bruce A. G. Calder)

Why are fruit trees such crybabies?
Because people are always picking on them. (Marcus 4)

Why didn't Superman know he could fly?
Because he didn't know his "Cape Abilities" (Daily Groaner)

Which animals are on legal documents?
Seals! (Louis, 7)

What is the difference between out-laws, and in-laws?
Out-laws are wanted. (Daily Joke)

What do elves do after school?
Gnomework! (Erik, 10)

How did the Star War Princess buys most of her clothes
On LEIA-way? (Douglas Helsel)

What is the fruitiest subject in school?
History, because it's full of dates! (Charlotte, 8)

What is the slowest soup to prepare?
Turtle soup (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

JEST FOR KIDS * THE PUNS

He couldn't remember the pill's name but it was on the tip of his
tongue.

A werewolf's favorite day of the week is moonday. ((Pun of the Day)

I think Howdy Doody's career was ruined when he started to branch out.
(Jerry L. Embry)

A kettle on the stove was singing 'Home on the Range (Mike Bull)

Have you heard of a surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?
(Joan DeGrave)

Painters are discolored. (Douglas Helsel)

When chemists die, we barium (Pun of the Day)

When his car hit the building, thee comedian made a nasty crack.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

Have you heard of a corset firm that felt the squeeze? (Joan DeGrave)

Office clerks are defiled. (Douglas Helsel)

Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents. A
circus truck driver refused to tow the lion. The tightrope walker was
top-of-the-line. A circus lion won't eat clowns because they taste
funny. When the human cannonball was late for work, he got fired, and
they had a hard time finding a replacement of the right caliber. (Mike
Bull)

His decision to become a pilot was up in the air. (Tony Thoennes)

Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat (Mike Bull)

He got a chemistry set with a promise not to hurt himself -- that was
the acid test (Pun of the Day)

A dad went into a pet store and asked the owner if he could have a cat
for his son. The owner said, "Sorry, we don't do trades." (Daily
Groaner)

When the crochet class met in a smaller room, they became a close knit
group. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

Drunks are distilled. (Douglas Helsel)

Be true to your teeth or they'll be false to you. (Bree Schultz)

Pocket tape recorders were invented for those who like small talk. (Pun
of the Day)

Disney World (Orlando) is a Mickey Mouse operation (yes, we knew that).
But it's much bigger than Disneyland (Anaheim), which is,
comparatively, a Minnie-operation. (Bob Dvorak)

When the nearby property became a landfill, they ended up down in the
dumps. (Jumble)

When the iron was invented there was a press conference. (Tony Thoennes)

If you get sick at the airport, it could be a terminal illness. (Mike
Bull)

Electricians are refused. (Douglas Helsel)

When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution. (Pun of the Day)

Gunpowder was invented in a flash. (Mike Bull)

Whoever invented binary logic knew how to put two and two together.
(Pun of the Day)

Have you heard of the downfall of the bungee suppliers? (Joan DeGrave)

One day a baby Toad was talking to his mother. "Mama, who is smarter a
Chicken or a Toad?" "Why baby, We are of course!" "How do you know
Mama" "Well, who ever heard of Kentucky Fried Toad!" (Haust Javeri)

Office clerks are defiled. (Douglas Helsel)

A bored tool sharpener in a large machine shop finally resigned from
his monotonous job. He just couldn’t stand the daily grind (Harry
Schultheis)

PUNS IN THE COMICS

“My shrink said I should take an interest in my husband’s affairs.” “So
you took up golf?” “No, I hired a private detective.” (Mother Goose and
Grimm: Mike Peters)

Successful gardeners weed it out and reap (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

"So what's 5Q plus 5Q Grandma Flo?" "Well, I suppose its 10Q, Treggie."
"You're welcome, Grandma Flo!" (Flo & Friends: Gibel & Campbell)

"The recipe says to bake the cookies in a 350-degree oven for 14
minutes. Do they mean 350 degrees Fahrenheit of 350 degrees Celcius? Or
350 degrees Kelvin?" "Maybe they want you to rotate the oven just shy
of a full circle." "Don't be ridiculous." (Foxtrot: Bill Amend)

A lot of happiness is taken for granite because it doesn't cost
anything. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

Queen being interviewed: “What happened to Snow White was just the work
of a few bad apples.” (Sic Chix: Telnreis)

Broomhilde: “I’ve got gas” Troll: “”At today’s prices, that’s a good
thing.” (Broom-Hilda: Russell Myers)

When your ship comes in, look for all your relatives on the dock
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)

TV man & woman newscasters, “The blaze continued for most of the
night.” “How terrible!” Girl watching: “Yeah and their son did it!”
Father: Whose son?” “Those news people. The guy said, ‘The cause of the
fire was our son.” Father: “Arson” Girl: “Yeah, and I didn’t even know
they were married to each other!” (One Big Happy: Rick Detone)

“Good news, sire. The royal hens got into an illegal marijuana pach.”
“Why is that good news?” “Now you can promise everyone some ‘pot in
every chicken’” (Wizard of Id: Johnny Hart)

Customer in a restaurant: “May I use your restroom?” “Sure, but no
resting.” Later: “May I get you something to eat?” “Thanks, but no
thanks. I’m afraid my digestive system is at a standstill.” “Sounds
like you could use a nice glass of prune juice.” “You know, that might
just do the trick.” “For here or to go?” “Actually, I’m thinking both.”
(Shoe: Cassett & Brookins)

An agreement between a restaurant owner and a relative of the octopus.
The creature would provide ink to print the menus and the owner would
take calamari off the menu. It was a squid pro quo. (Non Sequitur:
Wiley)

Grandmother: “And this is the wedding ring worn by my grandmother.”
“Young girl: “Wow! It’s so big and heavy.” Grandmother: “Yes, rings and
weddings were made to last in those days.” (Baldo: Cantu & Castellanos)

Tonight’s Topic: Marriage is a two-way street “That accounts for all
the head-on collisions.” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

Rain is caused by high-pressure areas, cold fronts and weekends.
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)




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