[arizona_humor] Puns of the Weak 07-26-04
PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 07-26-04
THE ONE-LINERS
"Bootleg liquor, drugs, prostitution, numbers... and you think they
care about a little fudging on your deductions. Get real." - Al
Capone's Tax Attorney (Wit Wizard)
When the music store robber tripped and had an accidental. He didn't C
sharp and it made the lute B flat (Fred Bourdelier)
The young trucker depended on the dispatcher because he was a Roads
scholar. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Studies show that the average American is 10 to 20 pounds overweight.
YESSSSSS! I'm finally above average at something! (Mona)
I'm surprised that since Bush is President, they haven't changed the
website address for the White House to:
http://DubyaDubyaDubya.white-house.gov (Ted Wilson)
Guilt-ridden donkeys are sorry asses (Stephen Kramer)
Did you hear about the cannibalistic lion who swallowed his pride?
(Arty W.)
When the judge said, "joint custody," I assumed I was gonna get to keep
the papers and the stash, but it turns out the dude was only talkin'
about the kids. (Ron Greer)
There was once a log book documenting the infinitely slow capsizing of
a ship. It had hundreds of entries, but in the end the ship
miraculously righted itself, so the list was endless so the list was
endless! (Johann von Haupkopf)
She was always calling for her twins, "on the double." (Pun of the Day)
"I hear you found a baby snake stranded in your garage. What kind of
shape is it in?" "Long and tubular." (Beckie Shiles)
When running behind you are a prelate. (Norm S.)
He knew it was going to be a wonderful day because the storm had
passed, blue birds were singing rhapsodies, and a passing airplane
wrote "3.1416" in the sky. (Alan B. Combs)
My mate Bill always agreeing with every thing anybody says. He is known
as William the concurrer (Jonners)
I recently read in one of the tabloids at the supermarket... WOMAN GETS
PREGNANT WHILE DOING "LAMBADA" I guess that goes to show that the
rhythm method just doesn't work!! (Haust Javeri)
When Mike Conners TV series was cancelled, he became Mannix depressive.
(Gary Hallock)
The calm before the storm is pretense. (Norm S.)
He was studying chemistry in college but by third year he was out of
his element. (Pun of the Day)
The answer," said the king acting like Alex Trebek, "is 0.13. What's
the question?" Only the royal bakers knew it was four and twenty
blackbirds in a pi. [24 into 3.1416] (Bob Levi)
âWhat did the VCR say to the CD player?â âI give up.â âYou just don't
get the picture, do you?â (Beckie Shiles)
The time before the stroll is preamble. (Norm S.)
She always paints night scenes. Other artists pale by comparison." (Pun
of the Day)
"I hear you went fishing with your girl last week." "Yes, that's
right." "Catch anything?" "Don't know yet." (Gunjan Saraf )
I don't get today's diet trends. Most of the foods I eat don't contain
bottom-feeding scavenger fish anyway. This low-carp stuff is overrated.
(Raygun)
The Playboy calendar this year has some tip-top models. Any more top
and they'd tip. (Robert Orban)
The seminarian is preordained. (Norm S.)
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. (Clean Jokes)
When he drove after some drinks, he ended up with a chaser. (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)
QUOTES
Sometimes the obvious is hard to see; often because it's blocking your
view (Kelly & Jim Fuge)
Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die. (Carmen Boyle, Olympic gold
medalist in luge 1966)
I've thought about having a family. I just haven't seen any that really
appeal to me. (Laura Kightlinger)
You might think it irresponsible of me to drink with a shot of rum in
one hand and a beer in the other, but relax -- I've got my good knee on
the wheel. (Travis Ruetenik)
Five, six children â same woman â eight ten different husbands or
whatever. Pretty soon you are going to have DNA cards to tell who you
are making love to. (Bill Cosby)
Santa Claus has the right idea ...visit people only once a year.
(Victor Borge)
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. (Henny Youngman)
Virus is a Latin word used by doctors to mean âyour guess is as good as
mine.â (Bob Hope)
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of
imagination. (Oscar Wilde)
Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are
usually wrong. (Maurice Miller)
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. (George Carlin)
The only thing that continues to give us more for our money is a
weighing machine. (George Clark)
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
session. (Mark Twain)
You only live once, and the way I live, once is enough. (Frank Sinatra)
You only live once, and the way I live, once is enough. (Frank Sinatra)
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
(Les Pourciau)
You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put on
lipstick and your son starts to wipe it off. (Douglas Helsel)
I do benefits for all religions -- I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a
technicality. (Bob Hope)
On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not
all the time.(George Orwell)
Good pitching will always stop good hitting and vice versa. (Casey
Stengel)
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the
blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of
misery. (Winston Churchill)
The covers of this book are too far apart. (Ambrose Bierce)
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THE ONE-LINERS
"Bootleg liquor, drugs, prostitution, numbers... and you think they
care about a little fudging on your deductions. Get real." - Al
Capone's Tax Attorney (Wit Wizard)
When the music store robber tripped and had an accidental. He didn't C
sharp and it made the lute B flat (Fred Bourdelier)
The young trucker depended on the dispatcher because he was a Roads
scholar. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Studies show that the average American is 10 to 20 pounds overweight.
YESSSSSS! I'm finally above average at something! (Mona)
I'm surprised that since Bush is President, they haven't changed the
website address for the White House to:
http://DubyaDubyaDubya.white-house.gov (Ted Wilson)
Guilt-ridden donkeys are sorry asses (Stephen Kramer)
Did you hear about the cannibalistic lion who swallowed his pride?
(Arty W.)
When the judge said, "joint custody," I assumed I was gonna get to keep
the papers and the stash, but it turns out the dude was only talkin'
about the kids. (Ron Greer)
There was once a log book documenting the infinitely slow capsizing of
a ship. It had hundreds of entries, but in the end the ship
miraculously righted itself, so the list was endless so the list was
endless! (Johann von Haupkopf)
She was always calling for her twins, "on the double." (Pun of the Day)
"I hear you found a baby snake stranded in your garage. What kind of
shape is it in?" "Long and tubular." (Beckie Shiles)
When running behind you are a prelate. (Norm S.)
He knew it was going to be a wonderful day because the storm had
passed, blue birds were singing rhapsodies, and a passing airplane
wrote "3.1416" in the sky. (Alan B. Combs)
My mate Bill always agreeing with every thing anybody says. He is known
as William the concurrer (Jonners)
I recently read in one of the tabloids at the supermarket... WOMAN GETS
PREGNANT WHILE DOING "LAMBADA" I guess that goes to show that the
rhythm method just doesn't work!! (Haust Javeri)
When Mike Conners TV series was cancelled, he became Mannix depressive.
(Gary Hallock)
The calm before the storm is pretense. (Norm S.)
He was studying chemistry in college but by third year he was out of
his element. (Pun of the Day)
The answer," said the king acting like Alex Trebek, "is 0.13. What's
the question?" Only the royal bakers knew it was four and twenty
blackbirds in a pi. [24 into 3.1416] (Bob Levi)
âWhat did the VCR say to the CD player?â âI give up.â âYou just don't
get the picture, do you?â (Beckie Shiles)
The time before the stroll is preamble. (Norm S.)
She always paints night scenes. Other artists pale by comparison." (Pun
of the Day)
"I hear you went fishing with your girl last week." "Yes, that's
right." "Catch anything?" "Don't know yet." (Gunjan Saraf )
I don't get today's diet trends. Most of the foods I eat don't contain
bottom-feeding scavenger fish anyway. This low-carp stuff is overrated.
(Raygun)
The Playboy calendar this year has some tip-top models. Any more top
and they'd tip. (Robert Orban)
The seminarian is preordained. (Norm S.)
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. (Clean Jokes)
When he drove after some drinks, he ended up with a chaser. (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)
QUOTES
Sometimes the obvious is hard to see; often because it's blocking your
view (Kelly & Jim Fuge)
Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die. (Carmen Boyle, Olympic gold
medalist in luge 1966)
I've thought about having a family. I just haven't seen any that really
appeal to me. (Laura Kightlinger)
You might think it irresponsible of me to drink with a shot of rum in
one hand and a beer in the other, but relax -- I've got my good knee on
the wheel. (Travis Ruetenik)
Five, six children â same woman â eight ten different husbands or
whatever. Pretty soon you are going to have DNA cards to tell who you
are making love to. (Bill Cosby)
Santa Claus has the right idea ...visit people only once a year.
(Victor Borge)
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. (Henny Youngman)
Virus is a Latin word used by doctors to mean âyour guess is as good as
mine.â (Bob Hope)
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of
imagination. (Oscar Wilde)
Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are
usually wrong. (Maurice Miller)
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. (George Carlin)
The only thing that continues to give us more for our money is a
weighing machine. (George Clark)
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
session. (Mark Twain)
You only live once, and the way I live, once is enough. (Frank Sinatra)
You only live once, and the way I live, once is enough. (Frank Sinatra)
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
(Les Pourciau)
You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put on
lipstick and your son starts to wipe it off. (Douglas Helsel)
I do benefits for all religions -- I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a
technicality. (Bob Hope)
On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not
all the time.(George Orwell)
Good pitching will always stop good hitting and vice versa. (Casey
Stengel)
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the
blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of
misery. (Winston Churchill)
The covers of this book are too far apart. (Ambrose Bierce)
------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
Yahoo! Domains - Claim yours for only $14.70
http://us.click.yahoo.com/Z1wmxD/DREIAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->
Humor Sites
********************************************
If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor
or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Silly Stories
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Funny Quotes
Love Quotes
Yahoo! Groups Links
<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/
<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
arizona_humor-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
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