[arizona_humor] Specailty Puns of the Weak 07-21-04
SPECIALTY PUNS OF THE WEAK
DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE
Resent: To post an e-mail a second time (Stan Kegel)
Colt: The best way to drink beer. (Jason Dias)
Engineer: A condition caused by being struck on the side of the head by
a locomotive. (Doug Drill)
Zeus: God of caged animals. (Pun-American Newsletter)
Ensign: "This freeway ENSIGN two miles." (Doug Drill)
Landing: A controlled mid-air collision with a planet. (Mark Novisoff
and Nevet Basker)
Gross Weight: Maximum permissible take off weight, plus an extra
suitcase, a case of bourbon, rifle, ammo, golf bag, bowling ball, and
diving weights. (Mark Novisoff and Nevet Basker)
Midget: Center engine on 3-engine planes (Stan Kegel)
Node: Was aware of. (Geoff Tibballs)
Gardener: A man who never lets grass grow under his feet (Art Moger)
Praline: How the lesser beasts worship King of the Jungle (Cynthia
MacGregor)
Aftermath: We have Phys. Ed. right AFTERMATH. (Stan Kegel)
Flat tire: as in, "Doesn't sitting around here in this FLAT TIRE you
out?" (Douglas Drill)
Abstain: To apply too much sun tan colouring to one's body. (Pun Define)
Debutante: The first insult. (Anne Shank)
Bookkeeping: the practice of never returning library books. (Douglas
Drill)
Adoption: To decide what should be included in a promotional campaign.
(Phil Hudson)
Diplomatic: Certificate given to graduating insects. (Stan Kegel)
Eyebrows: What I do in a book store. (Brandy Brandon)
Falsehood: A wig. (Leonard Fechtner)
Boomerang: "It's up to you," said the pirate. "You can either jump
off the BOOMERANG. (Douglas Drill)
Purchase: How Burt Reynolds was paid in Smokey and the Bandit (Jason
Dias)
POP Server: Mom (Stan Kegel)
Impromptu Party: Revel without a cause. (Pun-American Newsletter)
Expander: "I think that she's really neat but my EXPANDER (Doug
Drill)
Barbeque: A woman buys the groceries, washes the lettuce, chops the
tomatoes, dices the onions, marinates the meat, and cleans everything
up ... but the man "made the dinner. (Sandy Sibert)
Nougat: Intestinal transplant (Stan Kegel)
Limbo: Place where arms and legs go when they die. (Lexicon)
Colt: The best way to drink beer. (Jason Dias)
Zero - Where you'll find your theatre seat in Paris (Cynthia MacGregor)
Enhance: "Birds ENHANCE are worth two in bushes." (Doug Drill)
Zinnia: I've never ZINNIA flowers looking so good. (Gary Hallock)
TOM SWIFTIES, CROCKERS AND WELLERISMS
"I can no longer hear anything," said Tom deftly. (Fun With Words)
"We're being decimated," Tom said tensely. (Pun-American Newsletter)
"See how the reeds made him in just certain spots," Pharaoh's daughter
said mosaically. (Asa Sparks)
"I'm quite inspiring," Tom mused. (Nathan Howe)
"I feel like traveling on, Madame Potiphar," Joseph said coatlessly.
(Asa Sparks)
You snails almost didn't make it," Noah said wetly. (Asa Sparks)
POETRY
Regarding the mockingbirds that eat tomatoes in my garden:
The gardener wore a big scowl,
And emitted an ear-piercing howl.
He had reason to gripe:
Birds ate fruit that was ripe.
'Twas a crime he considered most fowl.
To tomatoes the birds had been treatin'
Themselves. He refused to be beaten.
Since the gardener's wise,
A nice plan he'll devise
To keep birds from his garden of eatin'.
There is little expense he incurred.
Get some net; make a tent; he's insured
That tomatoes are safe.
While the mockingbirds chafe,
He just smiles and then flips them the bird.
(Kirk Miller)
Thou shalt no God but me adore:
'Twere too expensive to have more. (Ambrose Bierce)
There was a man of some age
Against his fear a whiskey war waged.
An ingredient he spared
But he wasn't scared
Because he screwed up his courage
(Jason Dias)
Said a man with a sinus infection,
"It's causing my social rejection.
But a look in the mirror
Makes reasons clearer;
I understand, on further reflection."
(Tom Patton)
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way? (Katrina Black).
Bear not false witness--that is low--
But "hear 'tis rumored so and so." (Ambrose Bierce)
There was a man of some age
Against his fear a whiskey war waged.
An ingredient he spared
But he wasn't scared
Because he screwed up his courage
(Jason Dias)
Fred's wife'd been seen out and about
With his friends. His marriage in doubt,
He instructed his chickens
To give her the dickens;
But it was just a rooster run her out.
(Bob Dvorak)
He was seated in the parlor
And he said unto the light,
"Either you or I, old fellow,
Will be turned down tonight."
(J. M. Elgard)
MONDEGREENS
Frying poultry in the sand (By a palm tree in the sand) Beach Boys
"California Girls" (Maggie Fornia)
Darling, you're so great I can't wait for you to ovulate (Darling,
you're so great I can't wait for you to operate) Marvin Gaye "Sexual
Healing" (Lisa)
Just call me an island slease All my body yours for free This is who I
long to be Louise the Bone Eater (Tropical the island breeze All of
Nature wild and free This is where I long to be La Isla Bonita) Madonna
"La Isla Bonita" (Phil Thomas)
MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS
He who hesilost is tates.(F. Chase Taylor)
When Lincoln was president, he wore only a tall silk hat. (Richard
Lederer)
During the Minnesota-Dallas game of the NFL Championship playoff game,
Pat Summerall, the sports announcer, came up with this blooper during
the first quarter of the game. He said, "Both quarterbacks are not
showing their balls, er . . . shy of throwing the balls, er . . .
ball." (Kermit Schafer)
Snow Blower for Sale Only Used on Snowy Days (Richard Lederer)
On a church door: This Is The Gate Of Heaven. Enter Ye All By This
Door. This Door Is Kept Locked Because Of The Draft. Please Use Side
Door. (Strange Cosmos)
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing (Funny Pics)
"No spika de Inglish," they babbled at Babel confusedly. (Asa Sparks)
Everyone is excited about the upcoming wedding of Brad and Betty. They
are having a "country style" wedding. Everyone is invited to join them
as they exchange cows in the church courtyard June 7th.
500 Lb. Man Has Crush On Woman (Stephen Kramer)
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of
your unit. (Army preventive maintenance publication)
Lincoln spoke at the dedication of a dormitory for the wounded soldiers
who died at Gettysburg. (Richard Lederer)
Love makes the world row gown'd . (F. Chase Taylor)
Lincoln debated John Kennedy in 1960. Kennedy won because he looked
better than Lincoln, who had pallor due to his assassination. (Richard
Lederer)
Fonsence makes the heart grow abder.(F. Chase Taylor)
TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS
Ad giving directions to store: Take 58 East, exit at first Tehachapi
exit, turn right and go straight through 2 signals and 2 stop signs.
(A. Miller)
Sign in a Sears display: âSale. As Advertised. Levis $32.99 Reg. Price
$32.99 (Stan Kegel)
A bargain at almost twice the price. Was $59.99. Now only $99.99!
(Steve Harvey)
Sign at a propane filling station: "Tank heaven for little grills."
(Moni)
Sign on a repair shop door: We Can Repair Anything. (Please Knock Hard
On The Door - The Bell Doesn't Work (Strange Cosmos)
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply (Funny Pics)
Apartment For Rent: 1 bedroom apartment, available immediately. 450
per month plus deposit and utilities. Includes Steve and Refrigerator.
Call xxx-xxxx (Gerald Lerman)
Ã¥
In an office: Would The Person Who Took The Step Ladder Yesterday
Please Bring It Back Or Further Steps Will Be Taken (Strange Cosmos)
Doctor Who Mistreats Tennis Elbow Arrested For Racketeering (Stephen
Kramer)
Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand. Any Person Passing This Point
Will Be Drowned. By Order Of The District Council. (Strange Cosmos)
Bush Daughters In Africa To Recruit Bush People To Win Black Vote
(Stephen Kramer)
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
A woman's head is always influenced by heart; but a man's heart by his
head. (Lady Marguerite Blessington)
"Living well may be the best revenge, but revenge is never the best way
to live well." (Marde Grothe)
A government that seizes control of the economy for the good of the
people, ends up seizing control of the peoplefor the good of the
economy. (Bob Dole)
On a package of pistachios, "California is known for producing some of
the highest grade nuts available.(Art Grofsky)
How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. Nine to stand around scratching their heads, and one to get her
boyfriend to do it. (Colorado Kid)
I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so (Laurie Ann
Poole)
A. Bill Murray, hands down.
Q What did Jane Curtin often have to say during costume changes at
"Saturday Night Live"? (Brendan Beary)
A. Shoot, I'm looking forward to it.
Q. Do you have any last words for the firing squad, wise guy? (Chris
Doyle)
A. One person can come along like a wave and wash it all away.
Q. What did one spider tell his friend who was building his web in a
urinal? (Peter Metrinko)
A. He's way overblown.
Q. What's the buzz on Bill Clinton's memoirs? (Paul Kocak)
A. Many people who hire us feel it in their gut and have their
suspicions confirmed.
Q. Monsieur Chef, why do you think your catering business went
bankrupt? (Jane Auerbach)
"She was deep in the happiness of such misery, or the misery of such
happiness, instantly." (Jane Austin)
Will Smith demonstrates that men do not need artificial intelligence in
order to purchase terry cloth cover-ups for after shower lounging. I,
Robe Bought. (Gary Hallock)
"City Life. Millions of people being lonesome together." (Henry David
Thoreau)
Great groups from little icons grow (Archives)
Don't put all your hypes in one home page. (Archives)
Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. (Archives)
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DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE
Resent: To post an e-mail a second time (Stan Kegel)
Colt: The best way to drink beer. (Jason Dias)
Engineer: A condition caused by being struck on the side of the head by
a locomotive. (Doug Drill)
Zeus: God of caged animals. (Pun-American Newsletter)
Ensign: "This freeway ENSIGN two miles." (Doug Drill)
Landing: A controlled mid-air collision with a planet. (Mark Novisoff
and Nevet Basker)
Gross Weight: Maximum permissible take off weight, plus an extra
suitcase, a case of bourbon, rifle, ammo, golf bag, bowling ball, and
diving weights. (Mark Novisoff and Nevet Basker)
Midget: Center engine on 3-engine planes (Stan Kegel)
Node: Was aware of. (Geoff Tibballs)
Gardener: A man who never lets grass grow under his feet (Art Moger)
Praline: How the lesser beasts worship King of the Jungle (Cynthia
MacGregor)
Aftermath: We have Phys. Ed. right AFTERMATH. (Stan Kegel)
Flat tire: as in, "Doesn't sitting around here in this FLAT TIRE you
out?" (Douglas Drill)
Abstain: To apply too much sun tan colouring to one's body. (Pun Define)
Debutante: The first insult. (Anne Shank)
Bookkeeping: the practice of never returning library books. (Douglas
Drill)
Adoption: To decide what should be included in a promotional campaign.
(Phil Hudson)
Diplomatic: Certificate given to graduating insects. (Stan Kegel)
Eyebrows: What I do in a book store. (Brandy Brandon)
Falsehood: A wig. (Leonard Fechtner)
Boomerang: "It's up to you," said the pirate. "You can either jump
off the BOOMERANG. (Douglas Drill)
Purchase: How Burt Reynolds was paid in Smokey and the Bandit (Jason
Dias)
POP Server: Mom (Stan Kegel)
Impromptu Party: Revel without a cause. (Pun-American Newsletter)
Expander: "I think that she's really neat but my EXPANDER (Doug
Drill)
Barbeque: A woman buys the groceries, washes the lettuce, chops the
tomatoes, dices the onions, marinates the meat, and cleans everything
up ... but the man "made the dinner. (Sandy Sibert)
Nougat: Intestinal transplant (Stan Kegel)
Limbo: Place where arms and legs go when they die. (Lexicon)
Colt: The best way to drink beer. (Jason Dias)
Zero - Where you'll find your theatre seat in Paris (Cynthia MacGregor)
Enhance: "Birds ENHANCE are worth two in bushes." (Doug Drill)
Zinnia: I've never ZINNIA flowers looking so good. (Gary Hallock)
TOM SWIFTIES, CROCKERS AND WELLERISMS
"I can no longer hear anything," said Tom deftly. (Fun With Words)
"We're being decimated," Tom said tensely. (Pun-American Newsletter)
"See how the reeds made him in just certain spots," Pharaoh's daughter
said mosaically. (Asa Sparks)
"I'm quite inspiring," Tom mused. (Nathan Howe)
"I feel like traveling on, Madame Potiphar," Joseph said coatlessly.
(Asa Sparks)
You snails almost didn't make it," Noah said wetly. (Asa Sparks)
POETRY
Regarding the mockingbirds that eat tomatoes in my garden:
The gardener wore a big scowl,
And emitted an ear-piercing howl.
He had reason to gripe:
Birds ate fruit that was ripe.
'Twas a crime he considered most fowl.
To tomatoes the birds had been treatin'
Themselves. He refused to be beaten.
Since the gardener's wise,
A nice plan he'll devise
To keep birds from his garden of eatin'.
There is little expense he incurred.
Get some net; make a tent; he's insured
That tomatoes are safe.
While the mockingbirds chafe,
He just smiles and then flips them the bird.
(Kirk Miller)
Thou shalt no God but me adore:
'Twere too expensive to have more. (Ambrose Bierce)
There was a man of some age
Against his fear a whiskey war waged.
An ingredient he spared
But he wasn't scared
Because he screwed up his courage
(Jason Dias)
Said a man with a sinus infection,
"It's causing my social rejection.
But a look in the mirror
Makes reasons clearer;
I understand, on further reflection."
(Tom Patton)
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way? (Katrina Black).
Bear not false witness--that is low--
But "hear 'tis rumored so and so." (Ambrose Bierce)
There was a man of some age
Against his fear a whiskey war waged.
An ingredient he spared
But he wasn't scared
Because he screwed up his courage
(Jason Dias)
Fred's wife'd been seen out and about
With his friends. His marriage in doubt,
He instructed his chickens
To give her the dickens;
But it was just a rooster run her out.
(Bob Dvorak)
He was seated in the parlor
And he said unto the light,
"Either you or I, old fellow,
Will be turned down tonight."
(J. M. Elgard)
MONDEGREENS
Frying poultry in the sand (By a palm tree in the sand) Beach Boys
"California Girls" (Maggie Fornia)
Darling, you're so great I can't wait for you to ovulate (Darling,
you're so great I can't wait for you to operate) Marvin Gaye "Sexual
Healing" (Lisa)
Just call me an island slease All my body yours for free This is who I
long to be Louise the Bone Eater (Tropical the island breeze All of
Nature wild and free This is where I long to be La Isla Bonita) Madonna
"La Isla Bonita" (Phil Thomas)
MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS
He who hesilost is tates.(F. Chase Taylor)
When Lincoln was president, he wore only a tall silk hat. (Richard
Lederer)
During the Minnesota-Dallas game of the NFL Championship playoff game,
Pat Summerall, the sports announcer, came up with this blooper during
the first quarter of the game. He said, "Both quarterbacks are not
showing their balls, er . . . shy of throwing the balls, er . . .
ball." (Kermit Schafer)
Snow Blower for Sale Only Used on Snowy Days (Richard Lederer)
On a church door: This Is The Gate Of Heaven. Enter Ye All By This
Door. This Door Is Kept Locked Because Of The Draft. Please Use Side
Door. (Strange Cosmos)
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing (Funny Pics)
"No spika de Inglish," they babbled at Babel confusedly. (Asa Sparks)
Everyone is excited about the upcoming wedding of Brad and Betty. They
are having a "country style" wedding. Everyone is invited to join them
as they exchange cows in the church courtyard June 7th.
500 Lb. Man Has Crush On Woman (Stephen Kramer)
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of
your unit. (Army preventive maintenance publication)
Lincoln spoke at the dedication of a dormitory for the wounded soldiers
who died at Gettysburg. (Richard Lederer)
Love makes the world row gown'd . (F. Chase Taylor)
Lincoln debated John Kennedy in 1960. Kennedy won because he looked
better than Lincoln, who had pallor due to his assassination. (Richard
Lederer)
Fonsence makes the heart grow abder.(F. Chase Taylor)
TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS
Ad giving directions to store: Take 58 East, exit at first Tehachapi
exit, turn right and go straight through 2 signals and 2 stop signs.
(A. Miller)
Sign in a Sears display: âSale. As Advertised. Levis $32.99 Reg. Price
$32.99 (Stan Kegel)
A bargain at almost twice the price. Was $59.99. Now only $99.99!
(Steve Harvey)
Sign at a propane filling station: "Tank heaven for little grills."
(Moni)
Sign on a repair shop door: We Can Repair Anything. (Please Knock Hard
On The Door - The Bell Doesn't Work (Strange Cosmos)
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply (Funny Pics)
Apartment For Rent: 1 bedroom apartment, available immediately. 450
per month plus deposit and utilities. Includes Steve and Refrigerator.
Call xxx-xxxx (Gerald Lerman)
Ã¥
In an office: Would The Person Who Took The Step Ladder Yesterday
Please Bring It Back Or Further Steps Will Be Taken (Strange Cosmos)
Doctor Who Mistreats Tennis Elbow Arrested For Racketeering (Stephen
Kramer)
Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand. Any Person Passing This Point
Will Be Drowned. By Order Of The District Council. (Strange Cosmos)
Bush Daughters In Africa To Recruit Bush People To Win Black Vote
(Stephen Kramer)
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
A woman's head is always influenced by heart; but a man's heart by his
head. (Lady Marguerite Blessington)
"Living well may be the best revenge, but revenge is never the best way
to live well." (Marde Grothe)
A government that seizes control of the economy for the good of the
people, ends up seizing control of the peoplefor the good of the
economy. (Bob Dole)
On a package of pistachios, "California is known for producing some of
the highest grade nuts available.(Art Grofsky)
How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. Nine to stand around scratching their heads, and one to get her
boyfriend to do it. (Colorado Kid)
I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so (Laurie Ann
Poole)
A. Bill Murray, hands down.
Q What did Jane Curtin often have to say during costume changes at
"Saturday Night Live"? (Brendan Beary)
A. Shoot, I'm looking forward to it.
Q. Do you have any last words for the firing squad, wise guy? (Chris
Doyle)
A. One person can come along like a wave and wash it all away.
Q. What did one spider tell his friend who was building his web in a
urinal? (Peter Metrinko)
A. He's way overblown.
Q. What's the buzz on Bill Clinton's memoirs? (Paul Kocak)
A. Many people who hire us feel it in their gut and have their
suspicions confirmed.
Q. Monsieur Chef, why do you think your catering business went
bankrupt? (Jane Auerbach)
"She was deep in the happiness of such misery, or the misery of such
happiness, instantly." (Jane Austin)
Will Smith demonstrates that men do not need artificial intelligence in
order to purchase terry cloth cover-ups for after shower lounging. I,
Robe Bought. (Gary Hallock)
"City Life. Millions of people being lonesome together." (Henry David
Thoreau)
Great groups from little icons grow (Archives)
Don't put all your hypes in one home page. (Archives)
Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. (Archives)
------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
Yahoo! Domains - Claim yours for only $14.70
http://us.click.yahoo.com/Z1wmxD/DREIAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->
Humor Sites
********************************************
If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor
or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Silly Stories
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Funny Quotes
Love Quotes
Yahoo! Groups Links
<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/
<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
arizona_humor-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
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