[arizona_humor] Weakly Humerus News 07-23-04

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS for 07-23-04

IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY

"This Commission recommends an Intelligence Czar to oversee all
agencies." Bureaucrat looking at President Bush: "I thought that was
supposed to be his job." (Jack Ohman, The Portland Oregonian)

President Bush said today he is looking into if Iran had anything to do
with 9/11, but he's not declaring war yet. He said first he wants to
know all the facts -- so apparently he's trying a new strategy. (Jay
Leno)

Pollster" "How do voters feel about stopping the American Flag being
burned?" Interviewee holding newspaper with headline "War Deaths":
"First we'd like to stop it from being folded into triangles." (Steve
Kelley, The New Orleans Times-Picayune)

President Bush is preparing legislation that would get rid of the
electoral college vote, and replace it with "whichever candidate has
the most square footage for the states they win." (Paul Benoit)

The war on terror came to an unexpectedly abrupt end today as the
al-Qaeda network kingpin Osama bin Laden was found hiding in the pants
of former national security adviser Sandy Berger. (Andy Borowitz)

John Ashcroft has amended the Patriot Act so that John Kerry can only
choose Michael Jackson as his running mate. (Bongo News)

In a speech the other day to the Amish, President Bush said that God
speaks through him. That's what he said. I don't know, do you think God
would mispronounce that many words? (Jay Leno)

Download of the Week: Capital Steps on Koby Bryant, & Arnold
Schwarzenegger < http://www.capsteps.com/sounds/lirty-falicornia.mp3>
Or http://www.capsteps.com for Real Player formats. A Must.

IN THE NEWS * TODAY'S COMIC STRIPS

"We're back and chatting with Rupert Murdock about "Outfoxed" the new
documentary about his Fox News Network. Mr. M. The film shows in detail
how Fox News has effectively become the broadcast arm of the Bush White
House." "Well, that's right, Mark. No administration has ever had its
own network before. We saw a need." "Amazing. Where'd you get the
idea?" "Well, I own media in China." "Say no more!" (Doonesbury: Garry
Trudeau)

"Mr. Murdock, the new film "Outfox3d" shows how your political agenda
drives Fox News. Far from being 'fair and balanced,' the network places
ideology ahead of everything including the truth. N.Y. comment?" "You
don't work for me do you?" "No, I lied" (Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)

"Mr. Murdock, one of the most disturbing things revealed in the new
documentary is that every day Fox reporters are sent edicts telling
them what to say an how to say it." "Well, yes, but not because of a
'political agenda!" "Why then?" "Look, these people are not very
bright, okay? Show some love!" "Oops, My bad." (Doonesbury: Garry
Trudeau)

"Mr. Murdock, here's a memo from an editor to Fox News staffers. 'Do
not fall into the easy trap of mourning the loss of US troops and
asking out loud why they are there.' Do you really believe the mourning
of troops who have given their lives is a 'trap'? "Yes. Everybody knows
already about the 200-plus guys!" "Plus?" (Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)

Meanwhile at the Kerry Compound: "Government can't do it all. People
need to take responsibility for their lives." Kerry: "Where does he get
this stuff?" Aide: "Oh, Rush is just mean-spirited." Kerry: "Who
mentioned Limbaugh? I'm talking about Bill Cosby!" (Mallard Fillmore:
Bruce Tinsley)

The Kerry Platform search continues: And the real issue is whether
you're content with the status quo or you want a first lady who's
cheeky, saucy, sexy, and reeeaaalll loaded. (Mallard Fillmore: Bruce
Tinsley)

Woman talking to friends: "Gay marriages don't threaten the sanctity of
values of my own marriage. Beautiful straight woman do." (Pardon My
Planet: Vic Lee)

IN THE NEWS * WMD

Weapons of Mass Destruction: What they have. A category of military
weapons that includes massive nuclear arsenals, space-based nuclear and
laser weapons, and chemical and biological weapons research. Includes
Iraq and any nation not currently supporting our heroic effort. (Geov
Parrish)

Deterrent: What we have. A category of military weapons that includes
massive nuclear arsenals, space-based nuclear and laser weapons, and
chemical and biological weapons research. Includes tThe United States
and its current allies. Specifically excludes any cowardly nation which
has withdrawn its support of our heroic effort. (Geov Parrish)

IN THE NEWS * THE 9/11 COMMISSION

Cheney holding 9-11 Report. “Iran-Al Qaeda Ties” “Iran assisted 9-11
Hijackers” “Iran Nukes, WMD” Bush says, “Iran, Iraq. One little letter.
What’s the difference?” (Jim Moran, The Miami Herald)

In the 9-11 commission report they say that it was Iran — not Iraq —
that was helping Al Qaeda. So apparently we invaded the wrong country
because of a typo! (David Letterman)

The September 11th Commission will recommend Thursday the creation of a
National Intelligence Director. It's an idea the nation suddenly likes.
The most frequently mentioned candidate for the post is the guy who's
been on Jeopardy for five weeks. (Argus Hamilton)

The September 11th Commission is releasing its final report today. They
said it will arrive in bookstores soon. There's no official title for
the five-hundred-page report, but the audiobook version is called
Asleep at the Wheel's Greatest Hits. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush has the 9/11 Commission Report. Aides plan to make sure
he reads the document. They will include it in a copy of "My Pet Goat".
(Alan Ray)

IN THE NEWS * SANDY BERGER

Former National Security Advisor Sandy Berger says he accidentally
removed top secret terrorism documents and inadvertently threw them
away. The Bush Administration now wants Berger to be prosecuted, fined,
and put in charge of all of the President's National Guard service
records. (Jake Novak)

John Kerry's policy adviser Sandy Berger is under FBI investigation for
taking secret U.S. documents. He just got some excellent legal advice.
Martha Stewart told him that under no circumstances should he carry an
expensive handbag into the courtroom. (Argus Hamilton)

Three law enforcement sources talking to CNN's Justice Department
correspondent Kelli Arena say they saw Sandy Berger, or that he had
been seen, putting documents in his socks. An entire document in his
socks?!? I seriously doubt that, I suspect it was probably just the
footnotes. (Paul Benoit)

Sandy Berger resigned as John Kerry's adviser Tuesday when he was
accused of lifting secret documents from the National Archives. This
isn't going away. One thing that may be over is Winona Rider's lifetime
search for her biological father. (Argus Hamilton)

Clinton National Security advisor Sandy Berger is now under criminal
investigation for destroying highly classified intelligence documents.
His lawyer says what he did wasn't illegal -- it was just sloppy. Which
I think was Bill Clinton's defense wasn't it? (Jay Leno)

Bill Clinton's former National Security Advisor Sandy Berger is under
investigation for sneaking highly classified documents out of the
National Archives by stuffing them down his pants. What is it about the
Clinton people that always are investigated for something down their
pants? (Jay Leno)

Former Clinton National Security Advisor Sandy Berger has been accused
of smuggling confidential documents outside of the office in his pants.
I believe the last Democrat to have a bulge in his pants got impeached.
(David Letterman)

Mr. Berger received support last night from an unexpected quarter as
actress Winona Ryder vigorously defended him on CNN's "Larry King
Live." Speaking of Mr. Berger's recent woes, Ms. Ryder said, "I don't
know Sandy Berger, but if he was stuffing things into his pants, my
guess is he was just doing research for a movie role." (Andy Borowitz)

Sandy Berger, while doing September 11th Commission work, took secret
documents from the National Archives and walked them past security
guards. They certainly didn't look inside his pants. This is the
National Archives, not the National Airport. (Argus Hamilton)

Sandy Berger is in a meat grinder being run by an elephant: "It's
Berger not Burger!" (Vic Harville, Stephens Media Group)

IN THE NEWS * ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER & MARTHA STEWART

Two big stories today involve celebrities Arnold Schwarzenegger and
Martha Stewart. One is having problems in Sacramento with girly men and
the other is going to prison with manly girls. (Jay Leno)

Already embroiled in a legal battle over a bobble-head doll being
manufactured in his likeness, claiming infringement on his show biz
identity, Arnold Scharzenegger brought a new suit in federal court
today seeking unspecified damages from Martha Stewart. Schwartzenegger,
in a statement to this reporter said, " Everyone knows that the line,
'Ill be back', is my signature line. I devoted years to perfecting its
delivery and using it at every opportunity. Now to have Martha Stewart
blatantly try to appropriate it for her own use is just too much. Its
Mine!" (Ronald Henley)

Austria is issuing a new postage stamp in honor of Arnold
Schwarzenegger. The stamp is really unique because if you're an
attractive woman, it licks YOU. (Jake Novak)

Martha Stewart will spend five months in jail. She plans to offer
homemaking tips to fellow inmates. How to turn ordinary bed sheets into
rope. (Alan Ray)

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is being criticized for calling
California legislators “girlie men”. Democrats are not amused. They’re
planning a protest rally complete with show tunes. (Alan Ray)

A new poll shows California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger losing support
among voters who describe themselves as "girlie-men." `(Argus Hamilton)

Martha Stewart said Monday she would accept a presidential pardon. Only
four things are necessary for that to happen. President Bush must drop
Dick Cheney from the ticket, name Bill Clinton to replace him, get
re-elected, and then die. (Argus Hamilton)

Martha Stewart is going to jail. Or as she calls it, "J Mart." (Jay
Leno)

Lot of controversy over Arnold Schwarzenegger calling Democratic
opponents 'girlie men.' John Kerry and John Edwards were so stunned
they stopped kissing. (Craig Kilborn)

Two men reading newspaper headline: Arnold Calls Dems. "Girlie-Men" One
says, "Does that mean he can grope us now?" (Steve Kelley, The New
Orleans Times-Picayune)

IN THE NEWS * BILL CLINTON

A shocking autobiography by someone we will call Monica L. Is expected
to be out soon and will probably cause as much talk as did that of her
lover. In it she will reveal that she has always had a problem with her
weight, to the point where she considered herself obese. Due to
rejection, she became an easy prey to young men and girls alike. So
when she was approached by the Secret Service and told that they not
only knew of her current affair but her earlier life, they were
prepared to take away her security clearance which would end everything
she had worked so hard for. Up until that time, she had met her lover
only in places that could not be adequately surveyed and the evidence
would not stand up in court. If she would agree to have a sexual act in
the oval office, her previous life would be ignored and she could
continue her internship. She agreed to there demands and the rest is
history.. Which just goes to show It's not oval until the fat lady
stings. (Stan Kegel)

THE NEWS * DICK CHENEY & GEORGE W. BUSH

Bush driving a sound truck with a huge wedge in front labeled "Gay
Marriage Issue" on the truck: Bush '04 'I'm a Uniter not a Divider!'"
(Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star-Tribune)

Bush: "The war is not a flop. It's a big success." "My environmental
policy is not a flop. It's a big success." "My tax-cut plan is not a
flop. It's a big success." Caption: "The Flop-Flipper"

Dubya: I oppose stem cell research; those old folks with Alzheimers
don't vote anyway.. (Alan M. Corwin)

Mattel has just released the Dick Cheney Talking Action Figure but you
have to be over 18 to purchase it. (Stan Kegel)

President Bush says he does not want to be known as the war president.
He'd prefer to be known as the peace president. It's like when they
started calling used cars pre-owned (Jimmy Kimmel)

Dubya: I oppose prisoner abuse and torture except when Ashcroft and
Rummy tell me it's what they want to do.. (Alan M. Corwin)

President Bush is on the campaign trail. He is touting his promise in
2000 to be a "unifier, not a divider." (Alan Ray)

Dubya: I support gay marriage. Every marriage should be gay, shouldn't
it? It's same sex marriage I can't tolerate. (Alan M. Corwin)

I wouldn't like to be occupied - that's why I play so much golf in
fact. (George W. Bush)

There's talk that VP Dick Cheney may be dropped from the Republican
ticket. There's a good move. Lose the smart guy. (Jay Leno)

The Bush twins' in Vogue magazine said President Bush likes to tease
their boyfriends when they come over. And after he's done teasing them,
he has Donald Rumsfeld torture them. (Jay Leno)

Dubya: I support junk science; real science requires too much thinking.
(Alan M. Corwin)

Washington is abuzz that Vice President Cheney might be dropped from
the Republican ticket. On the plus side if he doesn't run, Cheney can
spend more time ignoring his lesbian daughter. (Craig Kilbnorn)

IN THE NEWS * JOHN EDWARDS & JOHN KERRY

John Kerry relaxed in Nantucket Sunday at one of the Heinz estates.
It's his second wife's first husband's seaside mansion. This is the
only household where the real estate has been in the family longer than
the family's been in the family.(Argus Hamilton)

The Democratic National Committee announced today that its convention
in Boston would feature a biographical film about John Kerry entitled
"I, Robot” (Andy Borowitz)

John Kerry spent Sunday kite-surfing behind a cabin cruiser on
Nantucket Bay while John Edwards schmoozed donors in Newport Beach.
They're still testing out campaign themes. Last week it was the Real
Deal and this week it's the High Society. (Argus Hamilton)

John Kerry is on the campaign stump. His frequent trips across the U.S.
are symbolic of his stances on the issues. He goes back and forth a
lot. (Alan Ray)

Edwards started this whole thing about there are "two Americas." Now
John Kerry is talking about it too, "the two Americas." You know why
they're doing this? They're preparing us for the next tax hike. So when
you complain, "Hey! My taxes are twice what they use to be," they can
say, "Of course they are. There are two Americas now." (Jay Leno)

IN THE NEWS * OSAMA BIN LADEN & TERRORISTS

Two terrorists talking: Why would we want to disrupt the U. S.
Presidential election? They did such a good job of it themselves last
time around. `(Bruce Beatle, Dayton News-Journal)

A UK judge decided that nine Afghans, armed with four guns, two hand
grenades and a knife when they hijacked a packed plane in Kabul in
February, 2000, forcing it to fly to Britain, and who threatened over a
four day period to kill all 173 people on board and destroy the plane,
were to be released unpunished and allowed to freely live in the UK
because they might get treated badly if they are returned to
Afghanistan. ( U. K. Mirror/Eric Meinhart)

IN THE NEWS * BUSINESS & THE ECONOMY

Right-wing groups are now pushing 'W' ketchup so they won't have to
give money to the Heinz family and John Kerry. Its slogan: 'W' ketchup
- the perfect thing for a president who can't cut the mustard. (Rob
Bates)

Worrying that Teresa Heinz-Kerry is profiting from sales of Heinz
ketchup, a conservative Republican businessmen is selling a new product
called "W" ketchup. Meanwhile, leading neo-Nazi groups are working on
offering an alternative to Vlassic kosher pickles (Jake Novak)

Delta Airlines reports a 2 billion dollar second quarter loss. You can
tell the company is hurting. Inflight meals are now served by the
Salvation Army. (Alan Ray)

IN THE NEWS • THE CONVENTIONS

Ron Reagan, son of the late president, will address the Democratic
National Convention on stem cell research. Not to be outdone, the GOP
has invited Tricia Nixon, daughter of the late president, to address
the Republican National Convention on cell phone research. (The Wit
Wizard)

John Kerry reportedly asked prime-time speakers at the Democratic
Convention to tone down attacks on President Bush. Not to worry. At the
rate Whoopi Goldberg, Linda Ronstadt and Doonesbury are losing paying
gigs, John Kerry will be lucky if the prime-time speakers at the
Democratic Convention don't endorse President Bush. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * THE CAMPAIGN

Bush: “Enough talk about going to war needlessly at the cost of
hundreds of soldiers lives.” “Enough talk about my giving tax cuts to
the rich and cutting back programs for the poor and needy.” “Enough
talk about tens of thousands of Americans dying each year due to lack
of adequate health insurance.” “Let's talk about moral issues.” (Jim
Moran, The Miami Herald)

Kerry: "I am completely and utterly against the Iraq war except when
I'm in favor of it." Bush: "The Iraq war has made us unquestionably
safer except for the election-year terrorist attack we're expecting."
Observers: It appears this year the presidential candidates will be
debating themselves." (Kevin Kallaugher, The Baltimore Sun)

Some Republicans have grown increasingly worried about Bush's prospects
and are concerned that the hard-edged and expensive campaign he waged
over the last six months has inflicted less damage than many had hoped.
Much like his botched war efforts in Iraq. (Wit Wizard)

Kerry is pushing Baby Edwards in a stroller meets Cheney who is pushing
Baby Bush in a stroller. (Lalo Alcaraz, The LA Weekly)

Now trailing in the polls, President Bush unveiled some new weapons
today: his daughters Barbara and Jenna, who have hit the campaign trail
with their dad for the first time. In a recent interview, Jenna Bush
says she's 'not political' and the electoral process doesn't interest
her. Oh, she's daddy's little girl. (Craig Kilborn)

The Bush daughters have joined the campaign to help their father in his
election for president and it was announced that their Secret Service
code names are Twinkle and Turquoise. Twinkle and Turquoise? To which
Kerry and Edwards said, "Hey! Those are our code names; that's what we
call each other! Come on!" (Jay Leno)

Two choices in Novenber: Kerry or Skerry" (Tiff Wimberly)

IN THE NEWS * GAY MARRIAGES

President Bush wants an amendment to ban gay marriages. Such a law
would preserve the sanctity of traditional marriage. By definition, it
would mean brother Neil could just be unfaithful to a woman. (Alan
Ray)

Man to crying woman: "Of course I want to marry you, Charlene,Really.
But you know I can't because the moral foundation of marriage has
crumbled with gay marriages in Massachusetts." (Daryl Cagle, Slate)

A child goes to be hungry. An elderly woman chooses between food or
medicine. Our government addresses its top priorities. Bush: "What do
you gays want to get married for anyway?" (Randy Bish, The Pittsburgh
Tribune-Review)

IN THE NEWS * CONGRESS

After a two-year long fight, Congressman Anthony Weiner finally
succeeded in getting the House of Representatives to approve a bill
wiping out $25,000 in annual funding to Saudi Arabia. Of course Weiner
could have eliminated $25,000 in funding to the Saudis a lot easier
simply by not gassing up his SUV for a month. (Jake Novak)

Senator John Warner acknowledged that he arranged for religious
activists to use a Senate office building for a ceremony in which Rev.
Sun Myang Moon declared himself the Messiah "who helped Hitler and
Stalin be reborn as new persons". Warner, you'll recall, is the guy Liz
Taylor ranks ninth out of nine ex-husbands in the brain cell
sweepstakes. (Wit Wizard)

IN THE NEWS * THE ADMINISTRATION

News reports say the first President Bush is doing what he can to
support indicted ex-Enron CEO and founder Ken Lay. The two men have a
lot in common; both know what it's like to be the father of an economic
disaster. (Jake Novak)

"Where's Rummy": Rummy has traded places with Cheney and is hiding in
the V P.s 'undisclosed location.'" (John McMurtney)

"Where's Rummy": Rummy has acquired the same invisibility as Iraq's
Weapons of Mass Destruction. (John McMurtney)

Preemptive attack: Replaces blitzkrieg. Unprovoked invasion of a
country that poses no threat, esp. if that country is defenseless and
has extensive reserves of oil. (Geov Parrish)

IN THE NEWS * THE DEMOCRATS

Queen Elizabeth II's knighting of Tim Berners-Lee, the creator of the
World Wide Web, was disrupted on Saturday when former Vice President Al
Gore burst into Buckingham Palace, called Mr. Berners-Lee an "impostor"
and demanded that he receive the honor instead. After the Queen ordered
palace guards to "seize that crazy wanker," the ceremony proceeded as
planned. (Andy Borowitz)

Howard Dean was at the Washington, D.C., airport. He's in a pay phone
when a thief reached in and swiped his wallet and ran away. Usually
when a democratic presidential candidate gets robbed it's not until
November. (Jay Leno)

IN THE NEWS * INTERNATIONAL

The United Nations is expected to overwhelmingly vote in favor of
forcing Israel to dismantle what the delegates call its "racist,
destructive, and unnecessary security fence." Of course those delegates
won't begin voting until after they pass through seven security
barriers, three metal detectors, and an X-Ray Machine. (Jake Novak)

The 2,000 marines sent to Afghanistan to secure successful elections
there are now leaving that country. That's because the Bush
Administration now needs them to secure successful elections in
Florida.

IN THE NEWS * HEALTH & SCIENCE

A new study shows that while Viagra may make it possible for men to
have sex, it may hurt their chances of getting a woman pregnant. After
hearing this a spokesperson for men everywhere said, "Perfect!" (Paul
Cooper)

The U.S. government is considering allowing people to buy the
electronic devices that jump-start a stopped heart and keep them in
their homes. But officials warn that the defibrillators will only be
made available to people with cardiac defects, elderly Americans who
have already had a heart attack, and Mets fans (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * SPORTS

Shaq on his trade to the Miami Heat: “This is Dwayne Wade's team. I'm
just here for the ride.” (Shaq O'neil)

Former NFL quarterback Art Schlichter is back in prison, this time on a
ticket scam. The Indianapolis Colts are considering retiring his
number, 6740178. (Jim Barach)

NFL camps have opened. Rookies straight out of college will have
questions about the team play books. "Coach, what's a book?" (Alan Ray)

Whistling Straits Country Club in Wisconsin will host the PGA
Tournament next month. Security will be insane. If al-Qaeda wants to
disrupt the GOP Convention by staging gay weddings they couldn't pick a
better dateline than Whistling Straits (Argus Hamilton)

When he was asked, how he became such a fan of the Tour de France?
Robin Williams answered "Oh, it's the whole bikesexual thing, it
fascinates me." (Gary Hallock)

The Los Angeles Lakers began rebuilding around Kobe Bryant Tuesday.
Everyone acts like he's already been acquitted. Kobe Bryant just signed
a seven-year deal with the Lakers contingent on the jury's verdict, so
either way he's set for life. (Argus Hamilton)

Paul Tagliabue agreed to a three-year contract extension Monday to
remain NFL Commissioner. He's pro-active. This year he is going to
invite schoolchildren to come to NFL training camps and talk to the
players about the dangers of drug use. (Argus Hamilton)

Bryant back in court for pre-trial hearing ... oral questioning of the
jury pool will begin August 30, Unfortunately, they'll have to call it
something else. The judge has ruled that any use of the term "oral"
would prejudice the accused. (Wit Wizard)

Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski passed on the job coaching the Lakers
because as a married he wasn't sure if he were prepared to date Jeanie
Buss. (Randy Hill)

Miami of Ohio will play Toledo in college football on ESPN on Election
Day. It gives the country something to watch while the votes are being
counted. The question is, how are they going to stretch a single
football game to fill six weeks of airtime? (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * ENTERTAINMENT

The Mod Squad is now on video. About an African-American man, a rich
kid, and a woman who come together to fight crime. I understand Dennis
Rodman was up for all three parts. (Jay Leno)

Michael Jackson denies he will become the father of quadruplets. It's a
big misunderstanding. When he bragged "he was going to have four kids
at once", he didn't mean it like that. (Alan Ray)

Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 was booked into a theater in Waco by
popular demand. This is the president's back yard. It's the movie
insult equivalent of running American Gigolo a block away from John
Kerry's second wife's seaside mansion. (Argus Hamilton)

Rapper Eminem is suing Apple computer for using one of his song's in a
TV ad without permission. Apple's not concerned. They say Eminem is
hard on the outside, but he just melts in your mouth. (Williams)

The sci-fi thriller "I Robot," starring Will Smith topped the box
office with its stunning tale of how stiff, but somewhat lifelike
automatons try to take over the world. Of Course, half the people
paying to see the film thought it was about the Kerry campaign. (Jake
Novak)

After dumping comedian Whoopi Goldberg as the advertising spokesman for
its line of weight-loss products, Slim-Fast stunned the advertising
community today by naming Vice President Dick Cheney as its new
pitchman. The choice of Mr. Cheney was particularly surprising, ad
experts said, since Ms. Goldberg had been dismissed in part because of
an inability to keep a tight rein on her potty-mouthed remarks - a
problem that has also plagued the vice president of late. (Andy
Borowitz)

Linda Ronstadt was fired by the Aladdin in Las Vegas for dedicating a
ballad to Michael Moore Saturday night. It's so sad. Hardly a day goes
by that SlimFast doesn't cross another name off the list of possible
replacements for Whoopi Goldberg. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * RELIGION

A report shows the number of Protestants has declined over the past 10
years. Pat Robertson prays for all denominations. Ones, fives, tens,
twenties, fifties… (Alan Ray)

IN THE NEWS * HISTORY & CULTURE

Reminder for people flying the flag at half staff for 30 days in
respect for Ronald Reagan: "Remember, we'll have to wear our pants
around our knees for 30 days when Clinton dies." (Mike Mooney)

Police say four inmates broke out of a jail in Tennessee this week,
bought some cases of beer, and then returned to their cells. This is
further proof that as long as they can have beer, most men are willing
to endure anything.(Jake Novak)

The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is
easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and
denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country
to danger. It works the same way in any country. (Hermann Goering)

IN THE NEWS * OTHER

Among the raffle donations at next weeks annual convention of the
National Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs are 3 zygosity test
kits. The meeting is in Oklahoma City just off Route 66 so the
advertising for the raffle is "Get your kits on Route 66!"
(Tiff Wimberly)

Eleven workers from a poultry processing plant have been fired
following the release of a video showing them kicking and stomping live
chickens. The employees plan to appeal, but meanwhile they're getting
temporary work at the Abu Ghraib Prison (Jake Novak)

The state of Washington, Department of Employment Security, threatened
to sue Sandi Byron for the 5 cents they say they overpaid her six years
ago that she has so far not paid back. (Boston Globe)

Coney Island Hospital in Brooklyn, New York, engaged the services of a
collection agency to collect the one-cent still owed to them by Gloria
Benavides-Lal, threatening to destroy her credit record if she doesn’t
pay. The hospital refuses to disclose how much they are paying the
collection agency. (New York Daily News)

A Washington-to-New York Amtrak train was stopped and checked after a
passenger discovered something suspicious about the train's restroom;
it was clean. (Jake Novak)

The U.S. Military is now offering all personnel free plastic surgeries,
including breast enhancements. But experts say nothing will change in
the armed forces until surgeons can figure out how to give the top
brass at the Pentagon a brain enhancement. (Jake Novak)



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