arizona humor Groaners of the Weak 08-28-04
GROANERS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 08-28-04
THE GROANERS
Olympic spectators in Athens this year may be surprised to note that
equestrian competitors from Barcelona tend to give their horses quite a
lot of slack as they put them through their paces. I guess it's true.
The reigns in Spain fall plainly on the mane. (Gary Hallock)
An elderly Kentuckian named Joshua was arrested for making illegal
whiskey. The judge, deciding that he'd have a little fun with the ol'
gent, asked: "Are you the Joshua who made the sun stand still?" To
which Joshua replied, "No, sir. I'm the Joshua who made the moonshine
still." (James Ertner )
While working in an OB-GYN clinic, a young mother came in for a
scheduled appointment requesting a diaphragm. She had her ten year old
son with her. My friend suggested she might like to ask her son to wait
for her in the lobby, when the young mother stated, "Oh, no. I need him
to see the doctor today. You see, Johnny is taking voice lessons. His
voice coach says he can have Johnny singing from his diaphragm in no
time, and I figured if that was the case, we'd better get him one fast
before the insurance runs out!" (Mavis Hampton)
I can already see it coming: First they'll start letting people clone
their family pets, then some owners will be unhappy with the results,
and the next thing you know, we'll have a bunch of copycat killings.
(Larry Hollister)
In an impressive display of talent, perseverance, and hard study, last
week the Roosevelt High School Math Team claimed the National
Championship. The five students returned home to a parade, bonfires,
medals, Keys to the City, and numerous other accolades. When all was
done, team Captain Frank Lasher claimed to have gone home and slept for
twenty-two hours straight. Said Lasher, "It was all I could do to stay
awake through the aftermath." (Bob Dvorak)
The three year old called his mommy at work and said, "Mommy, the
washer is broke." "Don't worry about that, honey. I'll wash the dishes
when I get home," said his mother. "That won't help, Mommy," said the
boy. "I know, honey, but it will have to do." When she got home that
night, she paid the babysitter in cash, as was customary. The girl
said, "Thanks, Mrs. Davis. I was really broke." (Jason Dias)
Years ago when I was helping pay my college expenses by working as a
department store sales clerk, at the toiletries counter. Donald, our
stock boy, a high school kid, was behind the counter putting stuff away
when this elderly lady addressed him: "Young man! Do you have cotton
balls?" Donald shot back, "Good God! I hope not!" They fired the poor
lad. (Lew Stewart)
The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest part of summer. He
stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in circles around Silver his
horse,waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on Silver while he goes
in to drink. A couple of minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers
into the bar and says "You the Lone Ranger?" "Yes, I am" the Lone
Ranger replies. "Oh,"says the man dressed in black, "Did ya know ya
left your injun runnin?"
Harrison Ford was a carpenter before being discovered by George Lucas.
Not many people know he was also an inventor and an inveterate gambler.
He once developed a hand-held gadget that could predict where the
roulette ball would stop based on how hard the croupier turned the
wheel, thus preventing losing bets. It was the reader of the loss
torque.(Jason Dias)
I don't think my mother ever really loved me. She and my dad were both
professional wrestlers, and I was born out of headlock. (Tooter Day)
Alas, all he wanted was to be the best barber in the world, even if
only by a hair, but, alas he found his ambition thwarted by a headlong
rush of fate and an unexpected side effect of his tonsorial skill --
everyone he served became strangely calmer and less argumentative, and
he discovered that people were coming to him only for his kinder cuts,
this barber of civility. (Alan B. Combs)
Our Welsh herdsman has been testing out different animals for guard
duty and found the South American Llama quite good, but with its smooth
head it is not very fearsome. We are plagued by hikers uncertain of the
meaning of the notice which says 'Keep Out'; you can see them in two
minds about risking the short cut. So he has been tying deer antlers to
their heads and was absolutely crowing with delight yesterday when a
trespasser was caught by one and held aloft by the creature. As my
partner said: "Look, he's on the horns of a Dai Llama." (Joseph Harris)
Looking disgustedly at the foot-tall man clad entirely in green, his
wiry red hair poking out from beneath a ridiculous buckled hat,
protruding from both nostrils and ears and forming a coarse beard,
velvet emerald pantaloons tucked into green-and white-striped socks
which in turn disappeared into black, buckled shoes, the professor said
to his assistant, "No, I said bring me a lexicon." (Jason Dias)
A year-long argument was finally settled a few days ago with a
conference in the Mayor's office. The situation involved a
double-booking of the Town Hall, with a computer trade show and a
Shakespeare appreciation society performance. After hear- ing talks
from both parties, the Mayor and the town's enter- tainment committee
discussed the matter and decided to let the Shakespeare appreciation
society use the hall for their per- formance. It just goes to show that
"actors speak louder than nerds!" (Daily Groaner)
In Singapore, an Indian passenger was detained for hours after another
traveler thought he had described himself as a 'Bosnian terrorist'. In
fact, the man had said he was a 'bass guitarist'. (Clean Laffs)
After I purchased a guitar and pawned my lawnmower, it took a full five
minutes for the pawn-shop guy to convince me to stop screaming and
cursing at him. I could've sworn his sign said, "Buy, Sell, Tirade!"
(Kremben)
THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES
A pair of congressmen met for lunch to hash out their political
differences. Ten minutes into the meal, one angrily pounded the table.
"You're lying!" he shouted. "Of course I'm lying," the other said, "but
hear me out." (Laffaday)
A friend and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large bookstore.
Engrossed in making a selection, my friend had lost sight of her child.
"Reid!" she called out, racing through the aisles. "Reid!" Just as she
spotted the boy, she bumped into another customer... "Pardon me,
ma'am," he said, "but most folks come here because they already like to
read. No sense in wasting your time trying to convince them." (Clean
Jokes)
The tavern braggart was once again relating his sexual exploits. "You
know," he droned on, "I once had sex with the cutest lil' Oriental
stewardess right on the plane during an over-night flight. Hey, I
really put on a sustained performance that time. In fact, I was so damn
good, they oughta make a movie about it." A friend replied, "I think
they already did and it was called "Thirty Seconds over Tokyo." (Haust
Javeri)
I was tired of being bossed around by my wife; so I went to a
psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said I needed to build my self-esteem,
and so he gave me a book on assertiveness, which I read on the way
home. I finished the book by the time I reached my house. I stormed
into the house and walked up to my wife. Pointing a finger in her face,
and said, "From now on, I want you to know that "I" am the man of this
house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal
tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous
dessert afterwards. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath
so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going
to dress me and comb my hair?" "The local funeral director," she said.
(Tony P.)
The United Brethren church in Parsons, Kansas was having a program, and
one of the women was supposed to say, "The ass stuck his head out the
window and brayed." The woman didn't want to say "ass" in church and
asked if she could change the word to "donkey". The other members
insisted that she call it an ass, because that's what it was called in
the Bible. One person reminded her of the story about Jesus riding an
ass into Jerusalem. The woman worried about her line right up until the
fateful day of the program. When her turn came, she stood up in front
of the congregation and said, "The donkey stuck his ass out the window
and brayed." (Gard Webster)
CONUNDRUMS FROM PUNY
What safety features do medicine bottles in Florida have?
They have Tampa-proof caps (Lars Hanson)
We all know How Long is a Chinaman. If you use your noodle you can also
tell me what he weighs.
Won Ton (Gary Hallock)
What did the flapper say to her geometry teacher on whom she had a
crush?
Oh, Euclid (By Stan Kegel)
What kind of paneling is on the walls of the brothel?
Naughty Pine (Cynthia MacGregor)
What day of the week is the favorite of the mythical character, Pan?
Satyrday (Clynch Varnadore)
What do you call an ad for dogs available for adoption at the pound?
A cur-mercial (Cynthia MacGregor)
It was intermission at the Broadway Show. In typical fashion the line
at the Ladies' wended its way out the door and into the lobby. After
ten minutes it became apparent that the line was not moving. What
happened?
The line was stalled. (Bob Dvorak)
A teacher of a certain Eastern religion wrote a tell-all book exposing
his deepest secrets. Trouble was, everyone thought it was a fish
cookbook written by a stealer of pic-a-nic baskets. What was the title
of the book?
Yogi bears his soul / Yogi Bear's 'His Sole.'(Jason Dias)
It is spring. The fisherman catches a lamprey and watches it until its
heart stops. What do you call this moment?
Eelâs last tick (Elastic) (Stan Kegel)
What medium should the psychic friends have used to disseminate their
predictions?
Tell-a-vision (Lars Hanson)
Whatâs the most popular type of coffee sold at the donut shop near the
police station?
Cop-uccino (Gary Hallock)
Noah built the ark three stories high. The top story had a skylight.
How did they illuminate the bottom two stories?
With flood lights (Stan Kegel)
Name the genius who invented the formula for calculating the specific
gravity of a mug of German beer as it sits atop a grand piano?
Einstein Weigh (Gary Hallock)
What could you call ten young female equine on a reform Kibbutz?
A Filly Minyon (Stan Kegel)
Olympic gymnasts are occupying prime-time TV these days. In my youth I
learned a single carpet maneuver, which might pun this riddle. ?
Back Flip (Bob Dvorak)
What kind of pie do Australian ghosts like best?
Boo Meringue (Gary Hallock)
What best-selling author was a carpenter from Utah? Morman Nailer
(Stan Kegel)
Scientists researching the predations of the snout beetle on the cotton
crop sought to find a way to prevent the beetles from reproducing. In
order to run their tests, they needed to have genetically identical
pairs of beetles as test subjects. An enterprising entomologist bred
such genetically matched beetle pairs and rented them out for tests. He
became known as what?
The lessor of the two weevils. (Lars Hanson)
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********************************************
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THE GROANERS
Olympic spectators in Athens this year may be surprised to note that
equestrian competitors from Barcelona tend to give their horses quite a
lot of slack as they put them through their paces. I guess it's true.
The reigns in Spain fall plainly on the mane. (Gary Hallock)
An elderly Kentuckian named Joshua was arrested for making illegal
whiskey. The judge, deciding that he'd have a little fun with the ol'
gent, asked: "Are you the Joshua who made the sun stand still?" To
which Joshua replied, "No, sir. I'm the Joshua who made the moonshine
still." (James Ertner )
While working in an OB-GYN clinic, a young mother came in for a
scheduled appointment requesting a diaphragm. She had her ten year old
son with her. My friend suggested she might like to ask her son to wait
for her in the lobby, when the young mother stated, "Oh, no. I need him
to see the doctor today. You see, Johnny is taking voice lessons. His
voice coach says he can have Johnny singing from his diaphragm in no
time, and I figured if that was the case, we'd better get him one fast
before the insurance runs out!" (Mavis Hampton)
I can already see it coming: First they'll start letting people clone
their family pets, then some owners will be unhappy with the results,
and the next thing you know, we'll have a bunch of copycat killings.
(Larry Hollister)
In an impressive display of talent, perseverance, and hard study, last
week the Roosevelt High School Math Team claimed the National
Championship. The five students returned home to a parade, bonfires,
medals, Keys to the City, and numerous other accolades. When all was
done, team Captain Frank Lasher claimed to have gone home and slept for
twenty-two hours straight. Said Lasher, "It was all I could do to stay
awake through the aftermath." (Bob Dvorak)
The three year old called his mommy at work and said, "Mommy, the
washer is broke." "Don't worry about that, honey. I'll wash the dishes
when I get home," said his mother. "That won't help, Mommy," said the
boy. "I know, honey, but it will have to do." When she got home that
night, she paid the babysitter in cash, as was customary. The girl
said, "Thanks, Mrs. Davis. I was really broke." (Jason Dias)
Years ago when I was helping pay my college expenses by working as a
department store sales clerk, at the toiletries counter. Donald, our
stock boy, a high school kid, was behind the counter putting stuff away
when this elderly lady addressed him: "Young man! Do you have cotton
balls?" Donald shot back, "Good God! I hope not!" They fired the poor
lad. (Lew Stewart)
The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest part of summer. He
stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in circles around Silver his
horse,waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on Silver while he goes
in to drink. A couple of minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers
into the bar and says "You the Lone Ranger?" "Yes, I am" the Lone
Ranger replies. "Oh,"says the man dressed in black, "Did ya know ya
left your injun runnin?"
Harrison Ford was a carpenter before being discovered by George Lucas.
Not many people know he was also an inventor and an inveterate gambler.
He once developed a hand-held gadget that could predict where the
roulette ball would stop based on how hard the croupier turned the
wheel, thus preventing losing bets. It was the reader of the loss
torque.(Jason Dias)
I don't think my mother ever really loved me. She and my dad were both
professional wrestlers, and I was born out of headlock. (Tooter Day)
Alas, all he wanted was to be the best barber in the world, even if
only by a hair, but, alas he found his ambition thwarted by a headlong
rush of fate and an unexpected side effect of his tonsorial skill --
everyone he served became strangely calmer and less argumentative, and
he discovered that people were coming to him only for his kinder cuts,
this barber of civility. (Alan B. Combs)
Our Welsh herdsman has been testing out different animals for guard
duty and found the South American Llama quite good, but with its smooth
head it is not very fearsome. We are plagued by hikers uncertain of the
meaning of the notice which says 'Keep Out'; you can see them in two
minds about risking the short cut. So he has been tying deer antlers to
their heads and was absolutely crowing with delight yesterday when a
trespasser was caught by one and held aloft by the creature. As my
partner said: "Look, he's on the horns of a Dai Llama." (Joseph Harris)
Looking disgustedly at the foot-tall man clad entirely in green, his
wiry red hair poking out from beneath a ridiculous buckled hat,
protruding from both nostrils and ears and forming a coarse beard,
velvet emerald pantaloons tucked into green-and white-striped socks
which in turn disappeared into black, buckled shoes, the professor said
to his assistant, "No, I said bring me a lexicon." (Jason Dias)
A year-long argument was finally settled a few days ago with a
conference in the Mayor's office. The situation involved a
double-booking of the Town Hall, with a computer trade show and a
Shakespeare appreciation society performance. After hear- ing talks
from both parties, the Mayor and the town's enter- tainment committee
discussed the matter and decided to let the Shakespeare appreciation
society use the hall for their per- formance. It just goes to show that
"actors speak louder than nerds!" (Daily Groaner)
In Singapore, an Indian passenger was detained for hours after another
traveler thought he had described himself as a 'Bosnian terrorist'. In
fact, the man had said he was a 'bass guitarist'. (Clean Laffs)
After I purchased a guitar and pawned my lawnmower, it took a full five
minutes for the pawn-shop guy to convince me to stop screaming and
cursing at him. I could've sworn his sign said, "Buy, Sell, Tirade!"
(Kremben)
THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES
A pair of congressmen met for lunch to hash out their political
differences. Ten minutes into the meal, one angrily pounded the table.
"You're lying!" he shouted. "Of course I'm lying," the other said, "but
hear me out." (Laffaday)
A friend and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large bookstore.
Engrossed in making a selection, my friend had lost sight of her child.
"Reid!" she called out, racing through the aisles. "Reid!" Just as she
spotted the boy, she bumped into another customer... "Pardon me,
ma'am," he said, "but most folks come here because they already like to
read. No sense in wasting your time trying to convince them." (Clean
Jokes)
The tavern braggart was once again relating his sexual exploits. "You
know," he droned on, "I once had sex with the cutest lil' Oriental
stewardess right on the plane during an over-night flight. Hey, I
really put on a sustained performance that time. In fact, I was so damn
good, they oughta make a movie about it." A friend replied, "I think
they already did and it was called "Thirty Seconds over Tokyo." (Haust
Javeri)
I was tired of being bossed around by my wife; so I went to a
psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said I needed to build my self-esteem,
and so he gave me a book on assertiveness, which I read on the way
home. I finished the book by the time I reached my house. I stormed
into the house and walked up to my wife. Pointing a finger in her face,
and said, "From now on, I want you to know that "I" am the man of this
house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal
tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous
dessert afterwards. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath
so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going
to dress me and comb my hair?" "The local funeral director," she said.
(Tony P.)
The United Brethren church in Parsons, Kansas was having a program, and
one of the women was supposed to say, "The ass stuck his head out the
window and brayed." The woman didn't want to say "ass" in church and
asked if she could change the word to "donkey". The other members
insisted that she call it an ass, because that's what it was called in
the Bible. One person reminded her of the story about Jesus riding an
ass into Jerusalem. The woman worried about her line right up until the
fateful day of the program. When her turn came, she stood up in front
of the congregation and said, "The donkey stuck his ass out the window
and brayed." (Gard Webster)
CONUNDRUMS FROM PUNY
What safety features do medicine bottles in Florida have?
They have Tampa-proof caps (Lars Hanson)
We all know How Long is a Chinaman. If you use your noodle you can also
tell me what he weighs.
Won Ton (Gary Hallock)
What did the flapper say to her geometry teacher on whom she had a
crush?
Oh, Euclid (By Stan Kegel)
What kind of paneling is on the walls of the brothel?
Naughty Pine (Cynthia MacGregor)
What day of the week is the favorite of the mythical character, Pan?
Satyrday (Clynch Varnadore)
What do you call an ad for dogs available for adoption at the pound?
A cur-mercial (Cynthia MacGregor)
It was intermission at the Broadway Show. In typical fashion the line
at the Ladies' wended its way out the door and into the lobby. After
ten minutes it became apparent that the line was not moving. What
happened?
The line was stalled. (Bob Dvorak)
A teacher of a certain Eastern religion wrote a tell-all book exposing
his deepest secrets. Trouble was, everyone thought it was a fish
cookbook written by a stealer of pic-a-nic baskets. What was the title
of the book?
Yogi bears his soul / Yogi Bear's 'His Sole.'(Jason Dias)
It is spring. The fisherman catches a lamprey and watches it until its
heart stops. What do you call this moment?
Eelâs last tick (Elastic) (Stan Kegel)
What medium should the psychic friends have used to disseminate their
predictions?
Tell-a-vision (Lars Hanson)
Whatâs the most popular type of coffee sold at the donut shop near the
police station?
Cop-uccino (Gary Hallock)
Noah built the ark three stories high. The top story had a skylight.
How did they illuminate the bottom two stories?
With flood lights (Stan Kegel)
Name the genius who invented the formula for calculating the specific
gravity of a mug of German beer as it sits atop a grand piano?
Einstein Weigh (Gary Hallock)
What could you call ten young female equine on a reform Kibbutz?
A Filly Minyon (Stan Kegel)
Olympic gymnasts are occupying prime-time TV these days. In my youth I
learned a single carpet maneuver, which might pun this riddle. ?
Back Flip (Bob Dvorak)
What kind of pie do Australian ghosts like best?
Boo Meringue (Gary Hallock)
What best-selling author was a carpenter from Utah? Morman Nailer
(Stan Kegel)
Scientists researching the predations of the snout beetle on the cotton
crop sought to find a way to prevent the beetles from reproducing. In
order to run their tests, they needed to have genetically identical
pairs of beetles as test subjects. An enterprising entomologist bred
such genetically matched beetle pairs and rented them out for tests. He
became known as what?
The lessor of the two weevils. (Lars Hanson)
------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
Make a clean sweep of pop-up ads. Yahoo! Companion Toolbar.
Now with Pop-Up Blocker. Get it for free!
http://us.click.yahoo.com/L5YrjA/eSIIAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->
Jokes and Humor
********************************************
Life Story Writing
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Funny Quotes
Love Quotes
Famous Recipes
If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor
or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Yahoo! Groups Links
<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/
<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
arizona_humor-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
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