arizona humor Puns of the Weak 08-23-04
PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 08-23-04
THE ONE-LINERS
When the big bad wolf donned eweâs clothing instead of a ramâs, he
became a cross-dresser. (K. C. Doyle)
The reason so few women are politicians is that it?s too much trouble
to put makeup on two faces. (J. Breitmeyer)
Nothing can replace the bikini-and it often does! (Richard Lederer)
When the bumbling military general who got behind on his house payments
came into a little money, did he make an advance to arrears? (Gary
Hallock)
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in. (Tommy Cooper)
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic and so am I."
(Bill Murray in "What About Bob?)
I always thought one of the vital turning points in our nation's
history was when we gave the people of Absentia the right to vote.
(Brad Simanek)
Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think at least one of them
would have seen it. (Tommy Cooper)
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
As many can you afford? (Dobhran)
I know there are two men my wife loves more than me . . . Ben & Jerry.â
(Flight Desk: Peter Waldner)
He was studying chemistry in college but by third year he was out of
his element. (Pun of the Day)
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..." (Tommy Cooper)
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney. (Dobhran)
I wonder if Snickers got its name because that's what it does when it
points out to 3 Musketeers that they don't have any nuts. (Brad
Simanek)
I keep a bottle of writing fluid on my window sill as a look out.
After all, Ink Spots. (Joseph Harris)
We know about the precipitation in the Pacific Northwest. One would
expect that because it's Rainier in Washington. (Bob Dvorak)
They've just unveiled a new monument to volcanoes in Washington State.
While they were removing the curtain, it hung up a bit, causing the
foreman to tell his worker, "Pull man!" (Clynch Varnadore)
Looting a drugstore is called Pillaging (Pun of the Day)
Then there was the clumsy file clerk who dropped her birth control
pills into the Xerox machine. It wouldn't reproduce for a month. (Gard
Webster)
When my wife Ann presented me with our first child, I said, "This is
our cheerleader." As our sons came after that I said, "This is our
quarterback, this is our center," and so on. When the sixth child came,
Ann said, "This is the end." (Bobby Bowden)
In the Science Museum in Washington's capital the various rooms are
named for famous scientists. The Men's Rest Room is the Olympia Newton
John. (Bob Dvorak)
My daughter's studying natural medicine and I'm rooting for her. (Pun
of the Day)
In which Olympic event are the athletes most likely to use marijuana?
The high jump (Joseph Harris )
South Florida residents own as many guns as North Korean army,
although ours are generally of a higher caliber. (Dave Barry)
A man walked into the doctorâs office. He said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore" (Tommy
Cooper)
QUOTES
Love thy neighbor-but don't get caught! (Richard Lederer)
I do not know the American gentleman, God forgive me for putting two
such words together. (Charles Dickens)
When a man listens to a woman, she takes pleasure in his interest. And
if he continues to play his cards right, she might also take an
interest in his pleasure. (Mardy Grothe)
It's sobering to think there was a time in this country when women
couldn't vote. I mean, how hard is it to vote, for crying out loud?
(The Covert Comic)
The trouble with most women is most men. (Richard Lederer)
For every problem there's a simple solution. Unfortunately it's usually
wrong. (Gail S. Angel)
Serious people have few ideas. People with ideas are never serious. (
Paul Valery)
I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I
die, I want to still remain active politically. (Mort Sahl)
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. (Steve
Martin)
Down with pants! Up with miniskirts! (Richard Lederer)
To be fair to my father, he did hug me once on my twenty-first
birthday. It was very awkward, and I think I know what it was that made
me feel so uncomfortable... the nudity. (Ray Ramano)
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. (William Brabant)
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they
deserve everything they've stolen. (Mort Sahl)
Advice to expectant mothers: You must remember that when you are
pregnant, you are eating for two. But you must also remember that the
other one of you is about the size of a golf ball, so let's not go
overboard with it. I mean, a lot of pregnant women eat as though the
other person they're eating for is Orson Welles. (Dave Barry)
93% of all drivers are below average. (Dave Barry)
Women are unpredictable, Before marriage, she expects a man, after
marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him. (Haust
Javeri)
You have to know how to accept rejection and reject acceptance. (Ray
Bradbury)
"Happiness is a good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good
woman . . . or a bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can
stand." (George Burns)
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THE ONE-LINERS
When the big bad wolf donned eweâs clothing instead of a ramâs, he
became a cross-dresser. (K. C. Doyle)
The reason so few women are politicians is that it?s too much trouble
to put makeup on two faces. (J. Breitmeyer)
Nothing can replace the bikini-and it often does! (Richard Lederer)
When the bumbling military general who got behind on his house payments
came into a little money, did he make an advance to arrears? (Gary
Hallock)
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in. (Tommy Cooper)
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic and so am I."
(Bill Murray in "What About Bob?)
I always thought one of the vital turning points in our nation's
history was when we gave the people of Absentia the right to vote.
(Brad Simanek)
Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think at least one of them
would have seen it. (Tommy Cooper)
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
As many can you afford? (Dobhran)
I know there are two men my wife loves more than me . . . Ben & Jerry.â
(Flight Desk: Peter Waldner)
He was studying chemistry in college but by third year he was out of
his element. (Pun of the Day)
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..." (Tommy Cooper)
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney. (Dobhran)
I wonder if Snickers got its name because that's what it does when it
points out to 3 Musketeers that they don't have any nuts. (Brad
Simanek)
I keep a bottle of writing fluid on my window sill as a look out.
After all, Ink Spots. (Joseph Harris)
We know about the precipitation in the Pacific Northwest. One would
expect that because it's Rainier in Washington. (Bob Dvorak)
They've just unveiled a new monument to volcanoes in Washington State.
While they were removing the curtain, it hung up a bit, causing the
foreman to tell his worker, "Pull man!" (Clynch Varnadore)
Looting a drugstore is called Pillaging (Pun of the Day)
Then there was the clumsy file clerk who dropped her birth control
pills into the Xerox machine. It wouldn't reproduce for a month. (Gard
Webster)
When my wife Ann presented me with our first child, I said, "This is
our cheerleader." As our sons came after that I said, "This is our
quarterback, this is our center," and so on. When the sixth child came,
Ann said, "This is the end." (Bobby Bowden)
In the Science Museum in Washington's capital the various rooms are
named for famous scientists. The Men's Rest Room is the Olympia Newton
John. (Bob Dvorak)
My daughter's studying natural medicine and I'm rooting for her. (Pun
of the Day)
In which Olympic event are the athletes most likely to use marijuana?
The high jump (Joseph Harris )
South Florida residents own as many guns as North Korean army,
although ours are generally of a higher caliber. (Dave Barry)
A man walked into the doctorâs office. He said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore" (Tommy
Cooper)
QUOTES
Love thy neighbor-but don't get caught! (Richard Lederer)
I do not know the American gentleman, God forgive me for putting two
such words together. (Charles Dickens)
When a man listens to a woman, she takes pleasure in his interest. And
if he continues to play his cards right, she might also take an
interest in his pleasure. (Mardy Grothe)
It's sobering to think there was a time in this country when women
couldn't vote. I mean, how hard is it to vote, for crying out loud?
(The Covert Comic)
The trouble with most women is most men. (Richard Lederer)
For every problem there's a simple solution. Unfortunately it's usually
wrong. (Gail S. Angel)
Serious people have few ideas. People with ideas are never serious. (
Paul Valery)
I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I
die, I want to still remain active politically. (Mort Sahl)
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. (Steve
Martin)
Down with pants! Up with miniskirts! (Richard Lederer)
To be fair to my father, he did hug me once on my twenty-first
birthday. It was very awkward, and I think I know what it was that made
me feel so uncomfortable... the nudity. (Ray Ramano)
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. (William Brabant)
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they
deserve everything they've stolen. (Mort Sahl)
Advice to expectant mothers: You must remember that when you are
pregnant, you are eating for two. But you must also remember that the
other one of you is about the size of a golf ball, so let's not go
overboard with it. I mean, a lot of pregnant women eat as though the
other person they're eating for is Orson Welles. (Dave Barry)
93% of all drivers are below average. (Dave Barry)
Women are unpredictable, Before marriage, she expects a man, after
marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him. (Haust
Javeri)
You have to know how to accept rejection and reject acceptance. (Ray
Bradbury)
"Happiness is a good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good
woman . . . or a bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can
stand." (George Burns)
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/virushoaxbusters/message/2236
------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
$9.95 domain names from Yahoo!. Register anything.
http://us.click.yahoo.com/J8kdrA/y20IAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->
Jokes and Humor
********************************************
Life Story Writing
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Funny Quotes
Love Quotes
Famous Recipes
If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor
or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Yahoo! Groups Links
<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/
<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
arizona_humor-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
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