arizona humor Puns of the Weak 08-30-04
PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 08-30-04
THE ONE-LINERS
South Florida residents own as many guns as North Korean army, although
ours are generally of a higher caliber. (Dave Barry)
A nun was kicked out of the order for inappropriate attire: sheer
habit. (Pun of the Day)
Dracula got into his casket one July. As he reclined he remarked,
"There is nothing like a cool bier on a hot day." (Richard Lederer and
P. C. Swanson)
"What kind of job do you do?" a lady passenger asked the man traveling
in her compartment. "I'm a naval surgeon," he replied. "Goodness!" said
the lady, "How you doctors specialize these days."
It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get
you into hot water. (Franklin P. Jones)
Hear about the new restaurant that specializes in venison dishes? It's
called "The Buck Stops Here." (Marsha Coleman)
My wife is so talented. She does the best bird imitations. She watches
me like a hawk
A test-tube baby has a womb with a view (Mike Bull)
The mathematician was confused when asked to cosine a loan. (Jason Dias)
My wife wants to spend all this money on new sod for our lawn, but I
think I'd rather just wait until someone has a yard sale. (Brad
Simanek)
When the ring sold for a premium price, the jeweler said it was a gem
of a sale. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
The Tuba player in the marching band was benched for being overweight
and unable to keep up with the band when parading. He took the matter
to court which meant that girth control had resulted in tubal
litigation. (Norm Silverstein)
"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live without me,
and she wants to marry me." "And you're asking my permission to marry
her?" "No, I'm asking you to make her leave me the alone."(Laff A Day)
The bible printer had omitted a whole chapter and now couldn't find a
Job. (Jason Dias)
The short-statured, pot-smoking pilot couldn't get highered. (Jason
Dias)
If you golf on election day, cast a absent-tee ballot. (Tony Thoennes)
I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for
it. (Questar)
If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in
a smoking jacket, why would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?
I bought a book guaranteed to help improve my memory...but I kept
forgetting to do the exercises. (Cynthia MacGregor)
If religion is a racket, why don't priests, at the start of each
sermon, ask, "Tenets, anyone?" (Jason Dias)
When underwear fell in the vat at a beer-makers, a scandal was brewing.
(Pun of the Day)
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a
woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the
Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
(Moni)
When a sudden wind blew a tree down on his car, he felt dis-gusted.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
You know that you're staying in a Kentucky hotel when you call the
front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the
front desk says, "Go ahead". (Sydes)
Blessed are the cheesemakers for they are the curds and the whey
(Questar)
My friend had some fabulous hand-crafted wooden panels up on his house,
but tore them down to replace with vinyl. That was pretty ex- siding.
(Jason Dias)
The prophet spoke in parabolas until he lost his focus. (Bob Dvorak)
QUOTES
Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
(Foggieâs Funnies)
Men can be divided into two types: one likes to undress women with his
eyes; the other likes to eye women when they undress." (Marde Grothe)
Authorities say only a small percentage of career criminals will be
caught this year. The rest will be re-elected. (Don & Sara Probasco)
He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit. (Ginny)
I have the body of a god ...Buddhah. (Ginny)
Forbidden fruits create many jams. (Syman Hirsch)
In the beginning God created War, Famine and Pestilence. Then He
created politicians to ensure that we all got our fair share. (Douglas
Helsel)
An ant colony is every bit as complex and organized as human society.
In fact it is more organized, because there are no teenagers. (Dave
Barry)
"I'll follow him to the ends of the earth," she sobbed. âYes, darling.
But the earth doesn't have any ends. Columbus fixed that.â (Tom
Robbins)
God answers all prayers. Sometimes He answers, "Yes," sometimes He
answers, "No," and some- times the answer is, "You gotta be kidding!"
(Jimmy Carter)
After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer
legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great
Depression. (Dave Barry)
The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the
neighbors. (Marsha Coleman)
The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the
neighbors. (Marsha Coleman)
Originality does not consist in saying what no one has ever said
before, but in saying exactly what you think yourself. (James Stephens)
âTis better to have loved and lost, than marry a woman you can't
defrost. (Caboom)
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. (Ginny)
According to the Bible, woman was the last thing God made. It must have
been a Saturday night. Clearly, He was tired. (Alexandre Dumas, Fils)
For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. (Lily Tomlin)
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THE ONE-LINERS
South Florida residents own as many guns as North Korean army, although
ours are generally of a higher caliber. (Dave Barry)
A nun was kicked out of the order for inappropriate attire: sheer
habit. (Pun of the Day)
Dracula got into his casket one July. As he reclined he remarked,
"There is nothing like a cool bier on a hot day." (Richard Lederer and
P. C. Swanson)
"What kind of job do you do?" a lady passenger asked the man traveling
in her compartment. "I'm a naval surgeon," he replied. "Goodness!" said
the lady, "How you doctors specialize these days."
It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get
you into hot water. (Franklin P. Jones)
Hear about the new restaurant that specializes in venison dishes? It's
called "The Buck Stops Here." (Marsha Coleman)
My wife is so talented. She does the best bird imitations. She watches
me like a hawk
A test-tube baby has a womb with a view (Mike Bull)
The mathematician was confused when asked to cosine a loan. (Jason Dias)
My wife wants to spend all this money on new sod for our lawn, but I
think I'd rather just wait until someone has a yard sale. (Brad
Simanek)
When the ring sold for a premium price, the jeweler said it was a gem
of a sale. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
The Tuba player in the marching band was benched for being overweight
and unable to keep up with the band when parading. He took the matter
to court which meant that girth control had resulted in tubal
litigation. (Norm Silverstein)
"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live without me,
and she wants to marry me." "And you're asking my permission to marry
her?" "No, I'm asking you to make her leave me the alone."(Laff A Day)
The bible printer had omitted a whole chapter and now couldn't find a
Job. (Jason Dias)
The short-statured, pot-smoking pilot couldn't get highered. (Jason
Dias)
If you golf on election day, cast a absent-tee ballot. (Tony Thoennes)
I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for
it. (Questar)
If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in
a smoking jacket, why would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?
I bought a book guaranteed to help improve my memory...but I kept
forgetting to do the exercises. (Cynthia MacGregor)
If religion is a racket, why don't priests, at the start of each
sermon, ask, "Tenets, anyone?" (Jason Dias)
When underwear fell in the vat at a beer-makers, a scandal was brewing.
(Pun of the Day)
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a
woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the
Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
(Moni)
When a sudden wind blew a tree down on his car, he felt dis-gusted.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
You know that you're staying in a Kentucky hotel when you call the
front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the
front desk says, "Go ahead". (Sydes)
Blessed are the cheesemakers for they are the curds and the whey
(Questar)
My friend had some fabulous hand-crafted wooden panels up on his house,
but tore them down to replace with vinyl. That was pretty ex- siding.
(Jason Dias)
The prophet spoke in parabolas until he lost his focus. (Bob Dvorak)
QUOTES
Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
(Foggieâs Funnies)
Men can be divided into two types: one likes to undress women with his
eyes; the other likes to eye women when they undress." (Marde Grothe)
Authorities say only a small percentage of career criminals will be
caught this year. The rest will be re-elected. (Don & Sara Probasco)
He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit. (Ginny)
I have the body of a god ...Buddhah. (Ginny)
Forbidden fruits create many jams. (Syman Hirsch)
In the beginning God created War, Famine and Pestilence. Then He
created politicians to ensure that we all got our fair share. (Douglas
Helsel)
An ant colony is every bit as complex and organized as human society.
In fact it is more organized, because there are no teenagers. (Dave
Barry)
"I'll follow him to the ends of the earth," she sobbed. âYes, darling.
But the earth doesn't have any ends. Columbus fixed that.â (Tom
Robbins)
God answers all prayers. Sometimes He answers, "Yes," sometimes He
answers, "No," and some- times the answer is, "You gotta be kidding!"
(Jimmy Carter)
After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer
legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great
Depression. (Dave Barry)
The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the
neighbors. (Marsha Coleman)
The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the
neighbors. (Marsha Coleman)
Originality does not consist in saying what no one has ever said
before, but in saying exactly what you think yourself. (James Stephens)
âTis better to have loved and lost, than marry a woman you can't
defrost. (Caboom)
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. (Ginny)
According to the Bible, woman was the last thing God made. It must have
been a Saturday night. Clearly, He was tired. (Alexandre Dumas, Fils)
For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. (Lily Tomlin)
------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
$9.95 domain names from Yahoo!. Register anything.
http://us.click.yahoo.com/J8kdrA/y20IAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->
Jokes and Humor
********************************************
Life Story Writing
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Funny Quotes
Love Quotes
Famous Recipes
If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor
or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Yahoo! Groups Links
<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/
<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
arizona_humor-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
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