arizona humor Specialty Puns of the Weak 08-11-04
SPECIALTY PUNS OF THE WEAK 08-11-04
DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE
Gruesome: A little taller than before. (Stan Kegel)
Diadem: To remain a staunch liberal all your life. (Tom Witte)
Psychotherapy: a crazy way to spend your money (Jason Dias)
Harelip: The chatter the barber spouts while he's working? (Bob Dvorak)
Lab: A room full of icky, funny-looking creatures and the dead frogs
they dissect. (Lexicon)
Enhance: "Birds ENHANCE are worth two in bushes." (Doug Drill)
Aardvark: You might think it is easy, but acting in a movie is
AARDVARK, (Stan Kegel)
Dubious: A cigarette that looks suspiciously like a joint. (Chris Doyle)
Sporadic: hooked on mushroom seeds (Jason Dias)
Dogmatic: An electric weiner cooker that shuts off when done to
perfection. (Ken Shurget)
Future Tense: A reason to relax now.: (Joseph Leff)
Frequent: The freak didn't stay.: (Sandy Sibert)
Kettle: Device designed to heat up water, whistle just too quietly for
you to hear when it's finished, boil dry, explode and burn your house
down. (Lexicon)
Acoustic: Most billiard pros prefer ivory in ACOUSTIC. (Stan Kegel)
Predicament: That embarrassing wait for the Viagra to kick in. (Milo
Sauer)
Forthcoming: What a woman having quadruplets wants to hear in the
delivery room.: (Joseph Leff)
Income: What you have to make first, because you can't make it last.
(Lexicon)
Indifferent: An unusual technique (Stan Kegel)
Enunciate: A cannibal at a Catholic mission recalling what happened to
the unfortunate sisters, "All of the ENUNCIATE. (Doug Drill)
Zebra: Undergarment worn by French women (Stan Kegel)
Juggernaut: A flat-chested woman. (Maja Keech)
Forelocks: Purpose of bagels and cream cheese.: (Joseph Leff)
Intellectual: One who can listen to the William Tell Overture without
thinking of the Lone Ranger. (Billy Connolly)
Rubberneckers: A couple practicing very safe sex. (Ross Elliffe)
Forthright: The part of the Constitution protecting us from
unreasonable searches.: (Joseph Leff)
Inbred: The best way to eat salami. (Lexicon)
Belong: To take your time. (Paul Benoit)
Braid: How the donkey made noise. (Sandy Sibert)
Berate: Grading honey producers. (Paul Pence)
POETRY
My friends need not be reminded
Of exploits I masterminded,
Like ogling the women
At poolside while swimmin'.
It's true I am quite broad-minded.
(Kirk Miller)
She stood between me and the headlights,
Her figure was a pip.
I was able to tell quite plainly, for,
She'd given me the slip.
(J. M. Elgard)
At a Starbucks the worker did find
He was caught in a job most unkind.
When the coffee machine
Had been fixed and was clean,
He returned to the same old grind.
(Kirk Miller)
Sylvester was making some noise
'bout drinking with Asians, the joys!
"I think that I may
Get drunk in Taipei,
I'll go Taiwan on with the boys!"
(Clynch Varnadore)
When the tiger escaped, the man thought
He could tranquilize it, but he got
Second thoughts and was scared
When he saw cat's teeth bared.
But he said that he gave it his best shot.
(Kirk Miller)
Although she was only pretending
Big Ape gripped this girl while ascending
Hot babe in her day
Now "Fay dead" away
So much for the Fay Wray tale ending
(Gary Hallock)
TOM SWIFTIES, CROCKERS AND WELLERISMS
Good cake. Think I'll have another piece," Tom retorted. (Michael
Omstead)
"The censors took all the dirty bits out of my show," said Tom
deludedly.
(Fun With Words)
"Will the fleece be wet this dewy morning?" Gideon asked dryly. (Asa
sparks)
"And here is your calf to worship," Aaron said goldenly. (Asa Sparks)
"There's a high charge for supporters travelling by coach," said Tom
with considerable fanfare. (Fun With Words)
"I'm really sick of people who throw garbage out of their car windows,"
Tom said illiterately. (Michael Hamm)
"Had gotten, have gotten, will have gotten," Tom recited perfectly.
(Michael Hamm)
"You'll never conquer me," Goliath said stonily. (Asa Sparks)
"My sister is pregnant with a boy. I'm going to be an uncle in nephew
days," said Tom expectantly. (Gary Hallock)
"Here's my collection of worthless souvenirs," Tom said curiously.
(Michael Hamm)
"Your weapons are a trumpet, a pitcher, and a torch," Gideon said
generally. (Asa Sparks)
"I'd like to be a Chinese labourer," said Tom coolly. (Fun With Words)
"Let's double check the depth measurements," Tom resounded? (Jason Dias)
"Look, the baby's breastfeeding," uttered Tom's sister. (Gary Hallock)
"John and me are a team now, we will fight together", Tom said
formally. (Amit Kumar Saxena)
MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS
Andrew Carnegie started the steal business. (Richard Lederer)
My wife comes from a small town with a typical small town weekly. In
our wedding announcement they listed my sister-in-law as being "made of
honor". (Jefffrey Lerman)
Goethals dug the alimentary canal. (Richard Lederer)
Eli Whitney invented the spinning gin. (Richard Lederer)
âMine Eyes Have Seen De Dory,â exclaimed the fisherman. (Lars Hanson)
TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS
English sign in a German cafe: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before
Eating (Strange Cosmos)
Outside a disco: Smarts Is The Most Exclusive Disco In Town. Everyone
Welcome (Strange Cosmos)
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
A. Presidential Appointment.
Q. What new power was assumed by the Supreme Court in 2000? (Ken
Pinkham)
A: Maintenance
Q: What do you call the people who occupy three-quarters of the
building you lease? (Cynthia MacGregor)
A: Marion Barry
Q: What are the two most important tasks of a preacher? (Gary Hallock)
Why does California have the most lawyers in the country and New Jersey
have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice. (Dobhran)
Now that we can't afford to go on a honeymoon we could go to the
baseball game and see Jose Conseco play, but I think that the team is
worried about his eyesight because before every game a celebrity comes
out and sings Jose Can You See. (Ken Pinkham)
Teena Turner's ex-husband was playing on a very large chess board
against Mr. Quayle. The former V.P. made a very stupid move and it was
suddenly clear that in his next turn, Ike Could Have Dan's Tall Knight.
(Gary Hallock)
I have no clothes, sir. You seem to have me over a barrel. Would it
bother you If I wore a fridge, man? (Gary Hallock)
Nora's husband was good for nothing, but she still gazed at him fondly
whenever she looked at him, because she believed in the adage, Let A
Smile See Your Bum Fella. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. (Archives)
There's no place like home.com (Archives)
In Gates we trust. (Archives)
Windows will never cease. (Archives)
Modulation in all things. (Archives)
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. (Dobhran)
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DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE
Gruesome: A little taller than before. (Stan Kegel)
Diadem: To remain a staunch liberal all your life. (Tom Witte)
Psychotherapy: a crazy way to spend your money (Jason Dias)
Harelip: The chatter the barber spouts while he's working? (Bob Dvorak)
Lab: A room full of icky, funny-looking creatures and the dead frogs
they dissect. (Lexicon)
Enhance: "Birds ENHANCE are worth two in bushes." (Doug Drill)
Aardvark: You might think it is easy, but acting in a movie is
AARDVARK, (Stan Kegel)
Dubious: A cigarette that looks suspiciously like a joint. (Chris Doyle)
Sporadic: hooked on mushroom seeds (Jason Dias)
Dogmatic: An electric weiner cooker that shuts off when done to
perfection. (Ken Shurget)
Future Tense: A reason to relax now.: (Joseph Leff)
Frequent: The freak didn't stay.: (Sandy Sibert)
Kettle: Device designed to heat up water, whistle just too quietly for
you to hear when it's finished, boil dry, explode and burn your house
down. (Lexicon)
Acoustic: Most billiard pros prefer ivory in ACOUSTIC. (Stan Kegel)
Predicament: That embarrassing wait for the Viagra to kick in. (Milo
Sauer)
Forthcoming: What a woman having quadruplets wants to hear in the
delivery room.: (Joseph Leff)
Income: What you have to make first, because you can't make it last.
(Lexicon)
Indifferent: An unusual technique (Stan Kegel)
Enunciate: A cannibal at a Catholic mission recalling what happened to
the unfortunate sisters, "All of the ENUNCIATE. (Doug Drill)
Zebra: Undergarment worn by French women (Stan Kegel)
Juggernaut: A flat-chested woman. (Maja Keech)
Forelocks: Purpose of bagels and cream cheese.: (Joseph Leff)
Intellectual: One who can listen to the William Tell Overture without
thinking of the Lone Ranger. (Billy Connolly)
Rubberneckers: A couple practicing very safe sex. (Ross Elliffe)
Forthright: The part of the Constitution protecting us from
unreasonable searches.: (Joseph Leff)
Inbred: The best way to eat salami. (Lexicon)
Belong: To take your time. (Paul Benoit)
Braid: How the donkey made noise. (Sandy Sibert)
Berate: Grading honey producers. (Paul Pence)
POETRY
My friends need not be reminded
Of exploits I masterminded,
Like ogling the women
At poolside while swimmin'.
It's true I am quite broad-minded.
(Kirk Miller)
She stood between me and the headlights,
Her figure was a pip.
I was able to tell quite plainly, for,
She'd given me the slip.
(J. M. Elgard)
At a Starbucks the worker did find
He was caught in a job most unkind.
When the coffee machine
Had been fixed and was clean,
He returned to the same old grind.
(Kirk Miller)
Sylvester was making some noise
'bout drinking with Asians, the joys!
"I think that I may
Get drunk in Taipei,
I'll go Taiwan on with the boys!"
(Clynch Varnadore)
When the tiger escaped, the man thought
He could tranquilize it, but he got
Second thoughts and was scared
When he saw cat's teeth bared.
But he said that he gave it his best shot.
(Kirk Miller)
Although she was only pretending
Big Ape gripped this girl while ascending
Hot babe in her day
Now "Fay dead" away
So much for the Fay Wray tale ending
(Gary Hallock)
TOM SWIFTIES, CROCKERS AND WELLERISMS
Good cake. Think I'll have another piece," Tom retorted. (Michael
Omstead)
"The censors took all the dirty bits out of my show," said Tom
deludedly.
(Fun With Words)
"Will the fleece be wet this dewy morning?" Gideon asked dryly. (Asa
sparks)
"And here is your calf to worship," Aaron said goldenly. (Asa Sparks)
"There's a high charge for supporters travelling by coach," said Tom
with considerable fanfare. (Fun With Words)
"I'm really sick of people who throw garbage out of their car windows,"
Tom said illiterately. (Michael Hamm)
"Had gotten, have gotten, will have gotten," Tom recited perfectly.
(Michael Hamm)
"You'll never conquer me," Goliath said stonily. (Asa Sparks)
"My sister is pregnant with a boy. I'm going to be an uncle in nephew
days," said Tom expectantly. (Gary Hallock)
"Here's my collection of worthless souvenirs," Tom said curiously.
(Michael Hamm)
"Your weapons are a trumpet, a pitcher, and a torch," Gideon said
generally. (Asa Sparks)
"I'd like to be a Chinese labourer," said Tom coolly. (Fun With Words)
"Let's double check the depth measurements," Tom resounded? (Jason Dias)
"Look, the baby's breastfeeding," uttered Tom's sister. (Gary Hallock)
"John and me are a team now, we will fight together", Tom said
formally. (Amit Kumar Saxena)
MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS
Andrew Carnegie started the steal business. (Richard Lederer)
My wife comes from a small town with a typical small town weekly. In
our wedding announcement they listed my sister-in-law as being "made of
honor". (Jefffrey Lerman)
Goethals dug the alimentary canal. (Richard Lederer)
Eli Whitney invented the spinning gin. (Richard Lederer)
âMine Eyes Have Seen De Dory,â exclaimed the fisherman. (Lars Hanson)
TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS
English sign in a German cafe: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before
Eating (Strange Cosmos)
Outside a disco: Smarts Is The Most Exclusive Disco In Town. Everyone
Welcome (Strange Cosmos)
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
A. Presidential Appointment.
Q. What new power was assumed by the Supreme Court in 2000? (Ken
Pinkham)
A: Maintenance
Q: What do you call the people who occupy three-quarters of the
building you lease? (Cynthia MacGregor)
A: Marion Barry
Q: What are the two most important tasks of a preacher? (Gary Hallock)
Why does California have the most lawyers in the country and New Jersey
have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice. (Dobhran)
Now that we can't afford to go on a honeymoon we could go to the
baseball game and see Jose Conseco play, but I think that the team is
worried about his eyesight because before every game a celebrity comes
out and sings Jose Can You See. (Ken Pinkham)
Teena Turner's ex-husband was playing on a very large chess board
against Mr. Quayle. The former V.P. made a very stupid move and it was
suddenly clear that in his next turn, Ike Could Have Dan's Tall Knight.
(Gary Hallock)
I have no clothes, sir. You seem to have me over a barrel. Would it
bother you If I wore a fridge, man? (Gary Hallock)
Nora's husband was good for nothing, but she still gazed at him fondly
whenever she looked at him, because she believed in the adage, Let A
Smile See Your Bum Fella. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. (Archives)
There's no place like home.com (Archives)
In Gates we trust. (Archives)
Windows will never cease. (Archives)
Modulation in all things. (Archives)
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. (Dobhran)
Chicken Recipes
Famous recipes
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Love Quotes
Low Carb Recipes
Famous Quotes
Wireless LAN
------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
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--------------------------------------------------------------------~->
Jokes and Humor
********************************************
Life Story Writing
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Funny Quotes
Love Quotes
Famous Recipes
If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor
or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Yahoo! Groups Links
<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/
<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
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<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
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