arizona humor (unknown)

Jokes from Joanna

Old Sam Johnson goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body.

After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health.

"Sam, you're in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I'm not a magician - I can't make you any younger", says the doctor.

"Who asked you to make me younger, already?" says Sam. "You just make sure I get older!"

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"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom."

~ Bob Hope

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If Attorney's had brains... or
Cross Examinations can be fun!

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Questions withdrawn...

Q: And the youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Now the defendent, did he kill you?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

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I went to the store the other day to pick out a new tie for an upcoming wedding. I found one that matched my suit but it didn't have a price tag on it. So I asked the clerk, "Hey, buddy, how much is this tie?"

He said, "Sixty-five dollars."

I said, "What! I can buy a pair of shoes with that kind of money."

He said, "Maybe, but how would a pair of shoes look around your neck?"





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