arizona humor Weakly Hunerus News 08-27-04

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS for 08-27-04

IN THE NEWS * TOP HUMOR OF THE WEEK

Back in 2000 a Republican friend warned me that if I voted for Al Gore
and he won, the stock market would tank, we'd lose millions of jobs,
and our military would be totally overstretched. You know what? I did
vote for Gore, he did win, and I'll be damned if all those things
didn't come true! (James Carville)

The Gallup Poll revealed that half of Americans no longer think it was
worth going to war in Iraq. The other half support the war. They found
one voter with no opinion on the subject and that's only because Teresa
makes him answer the phone. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush tonight, acknowledging what he called the "overwhelming
importance" of ensuring that the upcoming Presidential election is fair
and accurate, and that "every person's vote is counted properly," has
designated a panel of Olympic judges to oversee matters in the U.S. "I
can't think of a better group of people to do it," said Bush. (Tom
Burke)

Homeland Security apologized to Senator Teddy Kennedy Friday after he
had been stopped and searched five times while flying between Boston
and Washington. His name was on a no-fly list. What kind of security is
this, do they want him to drive? (Argus Hamilton)

The Los Alamos Nuclear Laboratory announced a halt in classified work
until missing nuclear materials and weapons components can be found.
That's the way things have been going. Now we can't even find our own
weapons of mass destruction. (Argus Hamilton)

The CIA labeled a report that terrorists planned to kidnap Santa Claus
as top secret. (Orange County Register)

IN THE NEWS * WEB SITES

Capital Steps takes on Ralph Nader
http://www.capsteps.com/sounds/nadermouth.mp3 or go to
http://www.capsteps.com/ for the songs of the past 6 weeks.

IN THE NEWS * COMIC STRIPS

Winning the issue of stem cell research Part one: Most people don’t
like the idea of a president who is a religious zealot who’s afraid of
science.! Make up a reason to oppose stem cell research that has
nothing to do with ethics or religion, something that scares people.
Just let dubya make something up, the more ridiculous the better. Bush:
Stem cell research will destroy America!” (Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)

Winning on Stem Cells, Part two. Put smart people on TV to explain
your completely ridiculous made-up assertion: Ashcroft: “It’s
absolutely true that stem cell research can destroy America” Rice:
Destroying embryos in exchange for medical cures means fewer babies and
more old people. Within a hundred years nearly 80% of the population
will be 120 years old or older. Tom Ridge: “Our economy will collapse,
our enemies will invade us and we don’t have a large enough stockpile
of ‘Depends’ undergarments.” (Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)

How to defeat stem cell research Part three. Uh-Oh! Your baseless
assertions may have to withstand the unflinching scrutiny of the
muckraking news media. “Mr. President. Here are you getting this
information that stem cell research will destroy America in 100 years?”
Bush: “It was … Um … This dude Russell told me.” “Good enough for us
chief.” (Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)

Defeating Stem Cell Research Part 4: Time for You-Know-Who: "We call
on all Muslims with knowledge of science and genetics to attack
America. Develop Baby-killing stem cell research that will destroy
their evil society. By the way, if I'm caught before November, it will
be completely coincidental." (Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)

Welcome aboard the Real Deal Express. I’m John Edwards and … And …Is
that an ambulance? It is ! What are we waiting for? Chase it! Chase it!
Sorry, old habit. Are you injured?” “No, I’m OK.” “Need a lawyer?”
(Prickly City: Scott Stantis)

“So, Mr. Kerry, You’re running on your war record with no mention of
your years in the Senate? Wow! Just like Bob Dole did in ’96! Except
without the humor or the charisma. You do realize he lost? Right?”
“Isn’t this your stop?” (Prickly City: Scott Stantis)

“Gosh Mr. Kerry, I really respect your war record. I wish you had some
political experience.” Kerry: “Actually, Winslow, I spent 20 years as a
junior senator to Ted Kennedy. Before that I was Michael Dukakis’ Lt.
Governor.” Winslow: “Well, your secret’s safe with me. Just don’t go
blabbing that all over the place.” Kerry: “I haven’t yet.” (Prickly
City: Scott Stantis)

In Other News “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” just announced merger
with “Politics Tonight.” (Pardon My Planet: Vic Lee)

“Grandma Midddleton, what was it like when you were young?” “”Well,
Wendie, those were simpler times. The whole family would gather around
the radio to listen …” “The whole family?” “Yeah, it was before Howard
Stern.” (The Middletons: Dunagin & Summers)

Attention, Campers. The following is a terror alert direct from the
Bush White House. Our intelligence indicates that Al-Qaida terrorists
are planning to hijack helicopters, gasoline tankers and limousines to
attack America! They also plan to hijack gay marriage, stem cell
research and patriotism! Oh, no. Wait … That's us." (La Cucaracha: Luis
Alcaraz)

IN THE NEWS * THE OLYMPICS

American gymnast Paul Hamm says he's willing to share his gold medal
with South Korean Yang Tae-Young. Hamm hopes the decision will smooth
over the judges' error, and keep the "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth"
from releasing a TV ad saying he didn't really deserve to win.(Jake
Novak)

Have you been watching the Olympics? The U.S. gymnasts won the golf
medal due to a mathematical error. It's the same way I got this show
(David Letterman)

The Olympics today laid down a new rule prohibiting judges from
checking their email during gymnastics. (Andy Borowitz)

Yesterday the men's soccer team from Iraq lost in the semi-finals to
Paraguay. There dream of winning gold is over, but on the bright side,
they get to keep their hands. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Olympic athletes and fans were shaken by an earthquake in Athens
earlier today. Most people were worried by the magnitude 4.5 quake,
except for the men's gymnastic judges who incorrectly calculated its
magnitude at only 3.5. (Jake Novak)

Athletes staying at the Olympic village have been told to dispose of
their syringes more carefully after two cleaners suffered needle stick
injuries. On the bright side, the cleaners grew to 6'8" and 320 pounds.
(Laffaday)

Israeli Gal Friedman has won the Gold Medal at the Athens 2004 Olympic
Games. It is the first ever Olympic Gold Medal for Israel. In response
to this Zionist achievement, the United Nations is considering a
resolution proposed by the Arabs and the Europeans, to condemn Israel
for its victory, and to impose sanctions on Israel for occupying the
most sought-after spot on the medal podium. (oy Vey)

A Canadian man who interrupted an Olympic diving final wearing a tutu
and tights has been jailed for five months. The man, who was
advertising an online gaming site, was charged with trespassing and
disturbing public order. A spokesman for the Greek Ministry of Public
Order said, "The prankster wanted to make an impression, he wanted to
be famous and he said he wanted to impress his wife. We arrested him
and he has been released and the justice will decide what to do."
(Humor-Expezz)

IN THE NEWS * THE SWIFT BOAT VETERANS

Great moments in Naval history:_
"I have not yet begun to fight!" (John Paul Jones – 1776)
"I have not yet begun to lie!"(Sift Boat Cmdrs for Truth"- 2004)
(Bill Schorr)

The Bush campaign has denied involvement in the Swift Boat ad saying
that the president has spent his entire life avoiding anything having
to do with Vietnam. (Craig Kilborn)

Despite accusations from the Kerry campaign, the "Swift Boat Veterans
for Truth" strongly denies it's working with the Bush campaign. The
veterans do admit they scheduled a series of strategy sessions with
Bush at a Texas Air National Guard base... but for some reason the
President never showed up.(Jake Novak)

President Bush is finally calling on the "Swift Boat Veterans for
Truth" to stop running an ad questioning John Kerry's service in
Vietnam. Bush says the ad is divisive, distracting, and he just hates
it when other people steal his ideas. (Jake Novak)

The road to the White House turned muddy over the weekend as the Kerry
campaign charged that the president is behind negative ads that attack
Kerry's record in Vietnam. To be fair President Bush did criticize the
ads saying they were too short. (Craig Kilborn)

Kerry said the ads hurt him deeply and emotionally then asked, 'Does
that make me eligible for any kind of medal? (Craig Kilborn)

Challenged by Navy records showing that Larry Thurlow, a Swift boat
veteran, was at best mistaken and at worst a colossal liar when he
swore that John Kerry had been deliberately dishonest about his Vietnam
war record, Thurlow has now taken the position that the entire Vietnam
war was "a sham." "It never happened," said Thurlow. "The so-called
'war' was nothing more than an immense government con game." Thurlow
claimed that he and the other Swift boat veterans spent the so-called
war years "sunning themselves on beaches in the Mediterranean," and
that not only did John Kerry take part in that, he was "the tannest of
them all." (Tom Burke)

Swift Boat Veterans claimed John Kerry lied about his heroics in
Vietnam. He did earn his Purple Heart. No one wants to say he was
campaigning for president on the battlefield, but he insisted the Viet
Cong only shoot him from his best side. (Argus Hamilton)

Kerry on proposed withdrawing of Swift Boat Veterans for Truth ads:
"Now, we can move on and put this behind us so that I can concentrate
on telling people how everything that President Bush is doing is wrong
and how I would have done exactly the same thing he is doing, except
differently." (Marcelo Lewin)

A group calling itself the Delaware River Swift Boat Veterans for Truth
charged today that George Washington's heroic role in the famous river
crossing to attack the Hessians in Trenton was greatly exaggerated for
future political purposes. None recall him standing up in full uniform
as his boat negotiated a raging ice filled river. Matter of fact the
river was relatively calm for December and old GW crossed comfortably
seated in one of the later boats. They also note that during the long
Valley Forge encampment he had lived at a well heated farmhouse while
his troops were suffering in-tents-ly. (Ken Pinkham

Hotel heiress and reality TV star Paris Hilton today called for an end
to the controversy over Sen. John Kerry's Vietnam War service, warning
that the continuing swift boat flap was distracting attention away from
her. Speaking at a press conference in Washington, Ms. Hilton told
reporters that the controversy "has overshadowed the issues that really
matter to the American people, such as my messy break-up with Nick
Carter [of The Backstreet Boys]." (Andy Borowitz)

Democratic nominee John Kerry today blasted a just-released attack ad
in which a new group of swift boat veterans accuse him of performing
hundreds of gay weddings on the boat he commanded during that conflict.
The ad, financed by a group calling itself Swift Boat Veterans For
Truth About Gay Weddings On Swift Boats, accuses Sen. Kerry of using
his status as commanding officer on his boat to perform gay weddings on
an almost non-stop basis. According to one veteran who appears in the
ad, Mr. Kerry stunned his boatmates by announcing, “I hereby declare
this swift boat ‘The Love Boat.’” (Andy Borowitz)

IN THE NEWS * THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION

The Republican National Committee announced today that President George
W. Bush's acceptance speech at the convention next week would be
simulcast in English. (Andy Borowitz)

John Kerry sought out Hillary Clinton Tuesday to be a media responder
during the GOP Convention. Imagine the coverage. Every time the
Republicans pontificate on the sanctity of marriage, the television
networks will have to give her equal time. (Argus Hamilton)

The Republicans are in town and they're going to be in town doing two
things — slander John Kerry and try to get laid. (David Letterman)

We're already starting to get some Republicans in town for the
convention. You know what that means -- by this time next week it will
be impossible to hail a cab or a hooker. (David Letterman)

Homeland Security officials will be advising people attending the
Republican National Convention about all the terror threats and what
could happen in the event of an attack. But they admit it will be hard
to frighten the delegates after they hear four nights worth of speeches
about how bad the country will get if John Kerry wins. (Jake Novak)

A judge has rejected an Arab American group's petition to allow a
demonstration in Central Park during the Republican National Convention
next week. So, if most of the city's Arab Americans want to congregate
in Central Park, they'll just have to show up for work at their hot dog
stands like usual. (Jake Novak)

After anti-war protestors were denied the use of Central Park for a
massive demonstration, they were offered Flushing Meadow Park in Queens
as an alternative. But organizers rejected that option because whenever
people see thousands of deranged and angry protesters in Queens,
everyone just assumes they're at a Mets game. (Jake Novak)

The city is drawing the line when it comes to Central Park. The group
United for Peace and Justice, which is expecting a quarter-million
people for its rally on Sunday has been denied use of the park. The
city instead offered them use of the West Side highway. Organizers said
that site lacks drinking water and other facilities. So, long story
short, they're going to have it over at Jeremy Friedman's apartment.
It's a studio, but it has a loft, so it's got a spacious feel.
Actually, the reason cited by the city for shutting off the park to
protestors? Concern over the damage it would to do to the grass.
One-hundred million (dollars) spent on security, and they're hung up on
lawn care. Honestly, if next week comes and our worst problem is
divots, I'll be pretty damn pleased. (Jon Stewart)

The city was shocked yesterday as naked demonstrators congregated near
the site of the Republican National Convention. But the nude citizens
say they weren't really protesting, it's just that getting naked is the
only way to get near Madison Square Garden these days without getting
frisked. (Jake Novak)

1984 • 20 YEARS LATER

Ignorance is Strength (George Orwell)
Ignore any scientific evidence or rhetoric that suggests we may have
erred. The American people insist that I do what I know God wants me to
do and that is what I have consistently done. (Big Brother 2004)

IN THE NEWS * GEORGE W. BUSH & DICK CHENEY

"We must always remember that all beings begin life as a feces. A
feces is a living being in the eyes of God, who has endowed that feces
with all the rights and God-given blessings of any other human being."
(George W. Bush, 6-17-04)

Bush on Cheney: “Most of the time I have no clue what Dick does. He
keeps me in the dark about his business. That's ok with me though. It
frees me up to practice my golf swing." (Marcelo Lewin)

President Bush recently cut overtime pay for millions of Americans. Of
course, that's easy for him to do - he never works overtime! (Rob
Bates)

In an interview yesterday with the New York Times, President Bush
admitted that he "miscalculated" how strong the insurgency would be in
Iraq. But afterwards, he realized the bigger miscalculation was
agreeing to do an interview with the New York Times. (Jake Novak)

Meanwhile, another group of dental hygienists came forward today. “We
were there We cleaned the current President’s teeth during his guard
service. We used the metal tools. He stayed in the chair the whole
time. The music was terrible. Those who claim we used only the little
rubber attachment are liars. He was rewarded a purple toothbrush. (Tom
Toles, The Washington Post)

The Bush campaign may be softening on the gay rights issue after Vice
President Dick Cheney appeared to reverse himself yesterday and seemed
to support gay marriage. But it's not clear if that reversal will mean
as much to homosexual activists as the tremendous work Donald Rumsfeld
and the Abu Ghraib commanders have done to further the cause of gay
porn on the Internet. (Jake Novak)

Dick Cheney shocked a town hall meeting in Iowa Tuesday when he
endorsed gay marriage. The pressure was just too much. Dick Cheney has
been showing signs of cracking up ever since President Bush said that
the oil belongs to the Iraqi people. (Argus Hamilton)

Cheney broke ranks with President Bush and says he supports gay
marriage and plans to gay marry soon. He's narrowed his list of target
husbands down to Charleton Heston, fashion critic Steven Cojocaru and
long time bachelor Uncle Sam. Now if he can just lose 25 pounds he can
fit into his dress. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Dick Cheney in Iowa Tuesday backed gay marriages, yet his place on the
ticket isn't threatened. The evangelicals had to back off. Dick Cheney
came out in favor of gay marriage the same day Warner Brothers
announced Ellen DeGeneres will play God. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * JOHN KERRY & JOHN EDWARDS

John Kerry says he has a plaque on his desk that reads "The Buck Stops
Here" and his wife has a plaque that says "The Other 2 Billion Stops
Here." (Craig Kilborn)

The Los Angeles Times asked a court to unseal the probate records of
Teresa Heinz Kerry's first husband Jack Heinz. He was a Republican
senator who died in a small plane crash and left a billion dollars to
his widow, who married a Democratic senator who happens to be an expert
pilot. This is the point in Columbo when Peter Falk suddenly turns
around and tells John Kerry he has just one more question. (Argus
Hamilton)

John Kerry told voters Friday that President Bush doesn't understand
average folks. Every week he gets more common. Next we will hear that
John and Teresa drove through a car wash on their honeymoon because
they couldn't afford to go to Niagara Falls. (Argus Hamilton)

John Kerry's legal team lost a member on Sunday after the Detroit
lawyer was cited by police for picking up a hooker. Democrats should
know better than to look down on prostitution. It's the only industry
that isn't leaving the country. (Argus Hamilton)

John Kerry says the thing that makes him most uncomfortable about
running for president is all the people who want to introduce
themselves to him in the men's room. But he admitted that meeting
admirers in public restrooms is probably much more of a problem for
Governor Jim McGreevey. (Jake Novak)

John Kerry told New Yorkers Tuesday that the middle class is suffering.
He theorizes about the middle class for the same reason rocket
scientists play fantasy league baseball. It's a harmless way to stretch
your mind and everyone enjoys a good laugh. (Argus Hamilton)

John Kerry told the Daily Show Tuesday he wished Teresa got royalties
every time someone used ketchup. He was trying to cheer her up. When
the role of God went to Ellen DeGeneres in a remake of "Oh God," every
one of Teresa's friends told her she had been robbed. (Argus Hamilton)

John Edwards elicited cheers when he addressed a Baptist church in
Charlotte Sunday. He is positive and joyful by nature. It's the wrong
attitude for a vice president, whose duties are limited to attending
foreign funerals and starting wars. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * BILL & HILLARY CLINTON

Bill Clinton disappointed his many fans by turning down an offer by
producer Lorne Michaels to host Saturday Night Live the weekend before
the presidential election this November. He's just too busy. After all,
Saturday night is date night. (Argus Hamilton)

American Evita is a book by Christopher Andersen that aims to expose
Hillary Clinton. It says she beat her husband over his infidelity.
Whenever he appeared in public with a black eye or facial lacerations
you knew he was having a good week. (Argus Hamilton)

Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton visited the nation of Iceland
Wednesday. It is a positive sign. Iceland is famous as the place where
all the Cold War arms treaties were negotiated, so you see, they really
are trying to save their marriage. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * IRAQ

Experts are now saying that the failures of the Abu Garib prison may
implicate Donald Rumsfeld. In response, Rumsfeld stripped the experts
naked and walked them around on a leash. (David Letterman)

A U.S. soldier has married an Iraqi woman in Baghdad. It was a unique
wedding. Instead of rice, the crowd outside the chapel threw grenades.
(Alan Ray)

Admiral David Nash was set in Baghdad Monday to dish out eighteen
billion to help rebuild Iraq's economy. It won't be long now. Whenever
a nation loses a war to the U.S., it is only a matter of time before
they are the world's leading automaker. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * BUSINESS & THE ECONOMY

Doughnut chain Krispy Kreme has announced a surprising drop in profits
and a gloomier outlook for future growth. That's bad news for Krispy
Kreme employees, investors, and the hundreds of lawyers planning to sue
the company in obesity lawsuits. (Jake Novak)

Rupert Murdoch has moved his media headquarters from Australia to New
York. He reportedly wants to be closer to his primary non-journalism
enterprise. The Fox News Channel. (Alan Ray)

Health insurance companies may no longer provide customers with the
anti-arthritis medication Vioxx, because studies show it can cause
heart disease in elderly patients. But experts say the heart attacks
only occur when seniors see how much the drug costs. (Jake Novak)

In response to the Enron and WorldCom scandals, more companies are
using rigorous investigations to weed out potential liars, thieves and
cheaters. Anyone found to have those characteristics won't be hired by
the big companies, but they will be immediately referred to the Bush
and Kerry campaigns. (Jake Novak)

Today the search engine Google went public with stock. The move made
the founders of the company over $3 billion dollars. To give you an
idea of how much money that is? It would take Donald Trump two weeks to
lose that amount of money. (Craig Kilborn)

Over 60 percent of Inglewood, California voters have rejected a WalMart
super store. The giant chain would have donated proceeds from sales to
the poor. Its employees. (Alan Ray)

IN THE NEWS * THE STATES

California lawmakers moved the state's presidential primary back to
June after eight years of trying it in March. It will soothe a lot of
nerves. Ever since a German was elected governor, March sounds less
like a calendar date and more like a command. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush is sending aid to Florida after the hurricane. Not to
help the people but to fix the crooked voting machines. (David
Letterman)

New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey resigned after admitting he's gay but
refused Tuesday to leave office before November. He infuriated race car
drivers. From now on every time the announcer says they are driving
with a governor on them, people will talk. (Argus Hamilton)

Joe Piscopo announced he's running for governor. And all of New Jersey
is asking, can we just keep the gay guy? (Craig Kilborn)

IN THE NEWS * HEALTH & SCIENCE

Federal officers seized nearly 2000 marijuana plants worth $7 million
in Los Padres National Forest. A spokesman for Attorney General
Ashcroft characterized the bust as "a major victory in our continuing
battle to bring chronic pain suffers and chemo-therapy patients to
their knees. (Wit Wizard)

The Massachusetts Institute of Technology revealed Monday that a meteor
missed slamming into the earth last spring by five thousand miles. How
close is that? Four hours later the Supreme Court ruled that G-d stays
in the Pledge of Allegiance. (Argus Hamilton)

A new study shows that surgeons who play video games performed
difficult techniques 40% better than their colleagues who didn't play
the games. But neither group was able to do anything
well with their hands after filling out all the day's required
insurance forms. (Jake Novak)

The Guinness Book of World Records said Monday it's monitoring a woman
in Malaysia in a locked glass box. She is trying to claim the world
record for the longest stay inside a roomful of scorpions. The previous
record is held by Judge Lance Ito. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * SPORTS

The Dallas Cowboys will ask Arlington voters on Election Day to pass a
bond issue to build a new stadium. It's time. The old playing surface
looks like a dirt field because in thirty years they sniffed all the
white lines and smoked all the grass. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * ENTERTAINMENT

Talk show host Ellen DeGeneres has been tapped to play the Lord in a
remake of "Oh God." Apparently Hollywood producers believe choosing a
lesbian comedian to play God will help them achieve their ultimate goal
of angering the last few Evangelical Christians they haven't already
offended. (Jake Novak)

Religious groups are already protesting the choice of lesbian Ellen
DeGeneres to play God in the "Oh God" remake. But most movie fans are
relieved that at least she won't be trying to play someone who's
straight. (Jake Novak)

“The Passion of the Christ” DVD comes out next week. The rental fee at
Blockbuster is part of the promotion. On the third day, it’ll rise
again. (Alan Ray)

"The Passion of the Christ" comes out on DVD this week. It also
includes outtakes. During the Sermon on the Mount, the crowd does the
wave. (Alan Ray)

This year's MTV Video Awards will be held in Miami instead of New York.
The network says it wanted a change of scenery, needed to lower costs,
and wanted to make sure the climate was warm enough for all the
recording stars when they inevitably take their clothes off. (Jake
Novak)

The MTV Awards will be handed out on Sunday. No one is expecting
Jessica Simpson to win anything. Critics predict she will likely walk
away empty headed (Alan Ray)

Victoria's Secret is having a Janet Jackson Summer sale: All bras are
half off.

Jenna Jameson’s “How to Make Love Like a Porn Star” is on the New York
Times Bestseller List. It’s available in 3 editions. Hardback,
paperback, and flat on your back. (Alan Ray)

Donald Trump said on Sunday he's set to open a new Donald Trump Country
Club in Palos Verdes, California. It's in a gated community on the
cliffs overlooking the Pacific Ocean. Creditors would pretty much have
to re-enact the D-Day landing to snatch him. (Argus Hamilton)

The state of Illinois is suing the Dave Matthews Band for allegedly
dumping 800 pounds of human waste from its tour bus into the Chicago
River. But experts say the state would have a stronger case if it also
sued the band for the excrement it dumps on hundreds of Illinois record
stores every time they release a new CD. (Jake Novak)

A Chicago man named Wayne Johnson was picked by the Today show as their
newest Domestic Diva and will have a regular segment on the program.
Following in the footsteps of Martha Stewart, Johnson will offer
household hints, along with his "insider trading stock pick of the
week." (Patrick M.Rhody)

IN THE NEWS * EDUCATION

School children head back to the classroom. They will learn basic
civics. For a bill to become law, it must be approved by two major
lobbyists. (Alan Ray)

Educators in Washington, DC are in hot water for using a picture of a
gun to represent the letter "G" in a first-grade coloring book. The
kids kept refusing to color the page unless they got something with a
little more firepower. (Jacob Novak)

New York City Public schools have decided not to require teachers to
show high school students how to put on and use a condom. The biggest
problem was that half the male teachers in the city kept volunteering
to demonstrate the condoms on themselves. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * HISTORY & CULTURE

Painter Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” was stolen from an art museum in
Norway. Police have issued an APB. The thieves are considered armed and
extremely existential. (Alan Ray)

Museum with picture missing and man standing in its place. Sign says,
"Next Scream 11:30 AM" Cultural Exchange Program: The United States
announced today that until the thieves are caught and the Edward Munch
paintings are returned, the State Department will lend the Norwegian
government Howard Deqan. (Jeff Danziger, Los Angeles Times)

LEGAL DISCLAIMERS

The statements of Big Brother 2004 is an attempt to make George
Orwell’s prophetic book, written over a half century ago, more relevant
to the 21st century. Any resemblance of the statements of Big Brother
2004 to those of any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
(Stan Kegel)




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