[arizona_humor] Puns of the Weak 08-02-04
PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 08-02-04
THE ONE-LINERS
During an especially trying time in the classroom, a teacher shrugged
her shoulders and sighed, "C'est la vie." The pupils all shouted, "La
vie!" (Richard Lederer)
The forensic psychiatrist quit his job because the system was trying
his patients. (Jason Dias)
In a rush to mine the earth of its minerals, I think sometimes we take
quarries for granite. (Brad Simanek)
The young trucker depended on the dispatcher because he was a Roads
scholar. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
He tries to read a girl like a book-between the covers. (Fifth Over
Sexteen)
Every time I hear the dirty word "Exercise," I wash my mouth out with
chocolate. (Washington Post)
A container, half-full, may be preempted. (Bob Dvorak)
Whoever named it "Necking" was ignorant of anatomy. (Fifth Over Sexteen)
The second best writing implement in the world is the pen ultimate.
(Pun of the Day)
A retired couple who purchased a new home from a building contractor
discovered that neither the house or the builder was on the level.
(Harry B. Schultheis)
This much I know for sure: Those Polish folks sure make one hell of a
good shoe-shining compound. (Brad Simanek)
The U. S. Government teacher asked Bambi, a natural blonde, if she knew
what Roe vs. Wade was about. She answered, "that was the decision
George Washington had to make when he decided to cross the Delaware."
(Marty Dee)
A blonde without a gentleman is prefurred. (Bob Dvorak)
I picked up a hitchhiker and we drove through Texas. There was a big
sign that said "Lots for Sale." After about thirty seconds of silence
he asked, "Lots of what?" (Dobie Maxwell)
A man is known by the company he thinks no-body knows he is keeping.
(Fifth Over Sexteen)
It was in 1875 that my great-great grandmother Elsa began appearing on
stages throughout the old West, and scaring the crap out of the
passengers. (Jerry L. Embry)
I only drink to steady my nerves. Sometimes I'm so steady I don't move
for months. (W. C Fields)
Dracula got into his casket one July. As he reclined he remarked,
"There is nothing like a cool bier on a hot day." (Richard Lederer and
P. C. Swanson)
Since I'm feeling under the weather, I should probably call in sick
today. I don't want to cause a staff infection. (Brad Simanek)
How would a nail feel if it was turned round and round instead of being
banged in straight?
Screwed (Gunjan Saraf )
If you do research in optics, you will have to do some light reading.
(Mike Bull)
The mogul invested in the nursery because it was a growth industry.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
I'm always careful about knowing the meanings of words I use, because I
don't want to be labeled as anti-semantic. (Brad Simanek)
I don't like electrons; they've always had a negative influence on
society. (Chris Lipe)
Meanwhile, back at the oasis, the Arabs were eating their dates. (Fifth
Over Sexteen)
A book called 'Current Trends in Wiring your House' turned out to be a
"shocking" failure. (Mike Bull)
The unpicked apple is prepared. (Norm S.)
Buying a new car kept him scared to debt. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is
kept up. (Caboom)
What do you call the male bovine who's as interested in the others of
his ilk as in those who give milk?
The bi bull. (Cynthia MacGregor)
When my wife asked me to start a garden, the first thing I dug up was
an excuse. (Henny Youngman)
Donât book a large rock ban with no strings attached. This will bring
on great discord. (K. C. Doyle)
Both houses of Congress passed a bill allowing for electrocution in
death penalty cases. It was a concurrent resolution. (SGT Snorkel)
Some people spend a lot on their face, and always want to be taken at
face value. (Pun of the Day)
She splurged on the shoes because a sale was afoot. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)
QUOTES
A woman drove me to drink...and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank
her. (W.C. Fields)
Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery. (Supermodel
Beverly Johnson)
Your manuscript is both good an original; but the part that is good is
not original and the part that is original is not good. (Samuel
Johnson)
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went
steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one. (Bob Hope)
The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it
gets, the harder it is to swallow. (Marty Dee)
Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present
controls the past (George Orwell)
Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest
people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. (Robert Orban)
An exclamation mark is like laughing at your own joke. (F. Scott
Fitzgerald)
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position. (Mark Twain)
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. (W. C. Fields)
The difference between journalism and literature is that journalism is
unreadable and literature is not read. (Oscar Wilde)
I'll be a really good mother. I've been called one. I'll be really
overprotective. I won't let the kid outside of my body. (Wendy Liebman)
I love being a writer. What I canât stand is the paper work. (Peter De
Vries)
To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be
the world.(Marde Grothe)
A nickel isn't worth a dime today. (Yogi Berra)
Writing is easy. All you have to do is cross out the wrong words. (Mark
Twain)
Your child has started growing up when he stops asking you where he
came from and starts refusing to tell you where he's going. (Douglas
Helsel)
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, nobody knows
what they are. (W. Somerset Maugham)
"Men can be divided into two types: one likes to undress women with his
eyes; the other likes to eye women when they undress." (Marde Grothe)
Foreign aid can be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in
rich countries to rich people in poor countries. (Douglas Casey)
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THE ONE-LINERS
During an especially trying time in the classroom, a teacher shrugged
her shoulders and sighed, "C'est la vie." The pupils all shouted, "La
vie!" (Richard Lederer)
The forensic psychiatrist quit his job because the system was trying
his patients. (Jason Dias)
In a rush to mine the earth of its minerals, I think sometimes we take
quarries for granite. (Brad Simanek)
The young trucker depended on the dispatcher because he was a Roads
scholar. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
He tries to read a girl like a book-between the covers. (Fifth Over
Sexteen)
Every time I hear the dirty word "Exercise," I wash my mouth out with
chocolate. (Washington Post)
A container, half-full, may be preempted. (Bob Dvorak)
Whoever named it "Necking" was ignorant of anatomy. (Fifth Over Sexteen)
The second best writing implement in the world is the pen ultimate.
(Pun of the Day)
A retired couple who purchased a new home from a building contractor
discovered that neither the house or the builder was on the level.
(Harry B. Schultheis)
This much I know for sure: Those Polish folks sure make one hell of a
good shoe-shining compound. (Brad Simanek)
The U. S. Government teacher asked Bambi, a natural blonde, if she knew
what Roe vs. Wade was about. She answered, "that was the decision
George Washington had to make when he decided to cross the Delaware."
(Marty Dee)
A blonde without a gentleman is prefurred. (Bob Dvorak)
I picked up a hitchhiker and we drove through Texas. There was a big
sign that said "Lots for Sale." After about thirty seconds of silence
he asked, "Lots of what?" (Dobie Maxwell)
A man is known by the company he thinks no-body knows he is keeping.
(Fifth Over Sexteen)
It was in 1875 that my great-great grandmother Elsa began appearing on
stages throughout the old West, and scaring the crap out of the
passengers. (Jerry L. Embry)
I only drink to steady my nerves. Sometimes I'm so steady I don't move
for months. (W. C Fields)
Dracula got into his casket one July. As he reclined he remarked,
"There is nothing like a cool bier on a hot day." (Richard Lederer and
P. C. Swanson)
Since I'm feeling under the weather, I should probably call in sick
today. I don't want to cause a staff infection. (Brad Simanek)
How would a nail feel if it was turned round and round instead of being
banged in straight?
Screwed (Gunjan Saraf )
If you do research in optics, you will have to do some light reading.
(Mike Bull)
The mogul invested in the nursery because it was a growth industry.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
I'm always careful about knowing the meanings of words I use, because I
don't want to be labeled as anti-semantic. (Brad Simanek)
I don't like electrons; they've always had a negative influence on
society. (Chris Lipe)
Meanwhile, back at the oasis, the Arabs were eating their dates. (Fifth
Over Sexteen)
A book called 'Current Trends in Wiring your House' turned out to be a
"shocking" failure. (Mike Bull)
The unpicked apple is prepared. (Norm S.)
Buying a new car kept him scared to debt. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is
kept up. (Caboom)
What do you call the male bovine who's as interested in the others of
his ilk as in those who give milk?
The bi bull. (Cynthia MacGregor)
When my wife asked me to start a garden, the first thing I dug up was
an excuse. (Henny Youngman)
Donât book a large rock ban with no strings attached. This will bring
on great discord. (K. C. Doyle)
Both houses of Congress passed a bill allowing for electrocution in
death penalty cases. It was a concurrent resolution. (SGT Snorkel)
Some people spend a lot on their face, and always want to be taken at
face value. (Pun of the Day)
She splurged on the shoes because a sale was afoot. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)
QUOTES
A woman drove me to drink...and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank
her. (W.C. Fields)
Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery. (Supermodel
Beverly Johnson)
Your manuscript is both good an original; but the part that is good is
not original and the part that is original is not good. (Samuel
Johnson)
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went
steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one. (Bob Hope)
The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it
gets, the harder it is to swallow. (Marty Dee)
Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present
controls the past (George Orwell)
Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest
people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. (Robert Orban)
An exclamation mark is like laughing at your own joke. (F. Scott
Fitzgerald)
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position. (Mark Twain)
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. (W. C. Fields)
The difference between journalism and literature is that journalism is
unreadable and literature is not read. (Oscar Wilde)
I'll be a really good mother. I've been called one. I'll be really
overprotective. I won't let the kid outside of my body. (Wendy Liebman)
I love being a writer. What I canât stand is the paper work. (Peter De
Vries)
To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be
the world.(Marde Grothe)
A nickel isn't worth a dime today. (Yogi Berra)
Writing is easy. All you have to do is cross out the wrong words. (Mark
Twain)
Your child has started growing up when he stops asking you where he
came from and starts refusing to tell you where he's going. (Douglas
Helsel)
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, nobody knows
what they are. (W. Somerset Maugham)
"Men can be divided into two types: one likes to undress women with his
eyes; the other likes to eye women when they undress." (Marde Grothe)
Foreign aid can be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in
rich countries to rich people in poor countries. (Douglas Casey)
------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
Yahoo! Domains - Claim yours for only $14.70
http://us.click.yahoo.com/Z1wmxD/DREIAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->
Humor Sites
********************************************
If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor
or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Silly Stories
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Funny Quotes
Love Quotes
Yahoo! Groups Links
<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/
<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
arizona_humor-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
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