arizona humor Groaners of the Weak 09-18-04

GROANERS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 09-18-04

THE GROANERS

My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he
was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed. Wanting
to find out what was the matter, his mother asked, "Chris, what
happened today to upset you so much?" He answered, "It's not fair --
I'm not allowed to go to the library." His mother became very concerned
and asked, "Why aren't you allowed to go to the library?" With a
tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to the library you have
to have super-vision, and I wear glasses!" (Pastor Tim Davis)

I took my 5 year old grandson to the optometrist to pick up his new
glasses. The glasses were prescribed "to help him read and be able to
see the computer better". When we got back home, he got on the computer
to play a game. In a few minutes he called me and said there was
something wrong with his glasses. I asked him what was the problem and
he said, "I still can't read." (Robeo)

Little Johnny was going through his grandmother's old jewelry box. She
explained to him some of the stories behind the objects he found. When
she showed him the pin she got from nursing school, he gave her a
curious look. "Nursing school?" he asked. "You had to go to school to
learn how to breastfeed?" (Little Johnny)

We gave our son Bobbie a Sheltie puppy for his second birthday. He, of
course, named her Lassie. Well, the two were inseparable, constantly
playing together when Bob wasn't at school. But, as we know, dogs age
more rapidly than people and Lassie passed away at fourteen years of
age. Bob insisted on burying Lassie in our back yard, and over her
grave he planted a garden. Now, every spring you can find him hoeing
and otherwise preparing his garden for planting as he cultivates his
memory of his life-long friend. (Stan Kegel)

After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but
clothing, Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them up
and check. In the very first one she opened, cushioned between his
socks was a bottle of cognac. "Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?"
"Right," Mark extemporized. "That, madam, is my nightcap." (Robeo)

I saw an advertisement for a school that claimed it could teach anyone
to drive a car in five minutes or less. I called them up and asked "How
can you teach anyone to drive in five minutes or less?" They answered
"It's a crash course." (Paul Cooper)

A sea mammal research group captured a rather odd porpoise on one of
its expeditions. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had
photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a
kindness if our ship's doctor were to amputate the feet so that it
would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the
doctor, "That would be defeeting the porpoise."(Marge A./Bob Levi)

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the
passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman
turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asks,
"Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this
storm?" To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."(Bill
Karpus)

These two greenbeans were crossing the hi-way when one of them was hit
by a semi. His buddy scrapes him up and rushed him to the hospital.
After hours of surgery the doctor comes in and says "I have good news
and bad news." The greenbean starts to rejoice and the doctor says,
"The good news is that he's going to live." "The bad news is he'll be a
vegetable for the rest of his life." (Bill Karpas)

A young man applied for a job at a new factory being built in a nearby
town. He entered the main office, where the receptionist directed him
down the hall to an office where he was to be interviewed by the
Personnel Officer. After several minutes of describing and explaining
all about the new factory, the Personnel Officer told the young man,
"We need individuals who are totally responsible." The young man
grinned and responded: "Well, I sure qualify. Everywhere I've worked,
when something went wrong, I was always responsible!" (Clean Laffs)

The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The teacher
was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the
blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it.
The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute
and wrote, "Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note to tell you I'm fine."
(Douglas Helsel)

The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took
the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great
country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in
this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her
from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and
said, "I'm not free. I'm four." (Gail S. Angel)

On Newton's Fig Farm lived Isaac Newton, the smartest farmer who ever
lived. Every time he and his son, Huey, bought a new ax at the Mass and
Matter Hardware Store, they would be attacked by a huge hopsit (a feral
rabbit endemic to England) and they would be attacked by a bloodthirsty
eagle at or near the same time. After surviving 150 such vicious
double-attacks (they used axes for everything), Isaac Newton told Huey
his thought on the matter: "Every ax, son, has an eagle and hopsit
reaction." (Michael Bass)

As it swept across a large number of chicken farms, a powerful tornado
sucked up thousands of the birds high into the stratosphere.
Unfortunately, as the tornado dissipated and the birds returned to
earth, many people going about their business in a town fifty miles
away were mown down in a hail of pullets! (Johann von Haupkopf)

A little old lady had two dogs for years. One day one of them passed
away. In grief, the second dog passed away two days later. Not knowing
what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the
taxidermist and have them stuffed. After telling the owner of her
wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?" Blushing, she said,
"No. Shaking hands will be fine." (Ginny)

On the third day, Jesus rose, shoved open the door of his tomb, and
walked again on earth. As he was leaving, a passer-by pointed at the
door Jesus had left open. "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Where
you born in a barn?" (GMNI Rising)

Three members of a golf club were arguing loudly while the fourth
member of their group lay dead in a bunker. A club official was called
to calm the situation, "What's the trouble here?" he asked. "My partner
has had a stroke, and these two jerks want to add it to my score." (Bob
Sachse)

Two friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade!" them to close. Hugh
beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if
they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving
that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. (Tom Thias)

While working as a Navy nurse in a military hospital's emergency room,
I was required to introduce myself by my rank and full name. I usually
refer to myself as Ensign Mike Payne, but one busy day I rushed into a
patient's room, and blurted, "Hi, I'm Ensign Payne." "Hi," the patient
responded. "I'm in some pain too." (Douglas Helsel)

THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

There was this blonde woman who just delivered a baby. Her doctor came
into her room and saw her with a bag of ice in between her breasts. Her
doctor asks how come? She says, "That's to keep the milk fresh." (Paul
Cooper)

Sam and Morris are walking to services and Sam asks, "I wonder whether
it would be all right to smoke while praying?" "Why don't you ask the
rabbi?" says Morris. Sam sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it
permissible for me to smoke while I pray?" "No, you may not. That's
utter disrespect to our religion and traditions!" quickly answers the
rabbi. Sam goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi
told him. "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me
try." Morris goes over to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, will it be ok if
I pray while I smoke?" To which Rabbi Golden eagerly replies, "By all
means, my good man. By all means." (Gill Ross)

Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was jailed for
coming to work late." mourned the first. "They said I was trying to
upset the productivity quota." "Me? I came to work early." said the
second. "They said this proved I was a Capitalist spy." "And I am here
for always getting to work on time." added the third. "They said this
proved I had an American watch." (Robeo)

I took my 5 year old grandson to the optometrist to pick up his new
glasses. The glasses were prescribed "to help him read and be able to
see the computer better". When we got back home, he got on the computer
to play a game. In a few minutes he called me and said there was
something wrong with his glasses. I asked him what was the problem and
he said, "I still can't read." (Robeo)

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year
later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said,
"Tell the court why you want a divorce." "Well, your honor," Dan
started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a
visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once
in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake." "Surely there
must be some difference between the two women." the judge said. "You'd
better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the
divorce." (Daily Groaner)


A man pleaded with the psychiatrist, "You've got to help me. It's my
son." "What's the matter?" "He's always eating mud pies. I get up in
the morning and there he is in the backyard eating mud pies. I come
hoes at lunch and he's eating mud pies. I come home at dinner and there
he is in the backyard eating mud pies." The psychiatrist reassured him,
"Give the kid a chance. It's all part of growing up. It'll pass."
"Well, I don't like it, and neither does his wife." (Douglas Helsel)

We were four frugal young teachers. But a couple times a year we
treated ourselves to the best Manhattan had to offer. As we approached
the famous restaurant Lutece, we questioned whether we were dressed
perfectly. Could we pass as urban sophisticates? The maitre d' met us
at the door, all smiles and bows. When he took my raincoat, I began to
look over the cozy little bar and anticipate the charming basket of
pastry that was our appetizer. Then the maitre d' returned to our
group, gingerly holding a fabric softener sheet that had fallen from my
coat sleeve. "Madam," he said, "Your Bounce." (Reader's Digest)

The note my daughter brought home from school outlined plans for her
class field trip. "Part of the morning will be spent searching for
slugs in the forest," it said. "The children do not need a snack that
day." (Douglas Helsel)

Stumpy was fed up with his wife, so he packed up his stuff and moved
into the garage. Although the couple seldom spoke, he continued to mow
the lawn, take out the garbage and fix the car, while she cooked the
meals, vacuumed and did the laundry. Months later, Stumpy met his
friend Lou for drinks. "Things don't seem to be working out any
better," Lou remarked. "Why don't you just move out?" "Well, if you
really want to know the truth," Stumpy explained, "she makes such a
good neighbor." (Humor Express)

So a beggar goes up to a guy who typically gave him a $5 bill each
week, and the guy hands the beggar a $1 bill. The beggar, a bit
enraged and more surprised, says, "Sir, you usually give me a 5; why a
1 today?" And the guy says, "I had a bad week in the stock market."
And the beggar says, "Because you had a bad week, I should suffer?!?"
(David B. Phillips)

When "Devil Dog" Flint, the thoroughly dangerous pirate, sailed under
letters of mark granted by Simón Bolivar against the Spanish and
French, it happened that the cook's mate was wounded in service and
lingered near death. The fellow had endured continual abuse from the
crew, which centered in the collective view that the grog he prepared
for them was comprised of fifty percent bilge water. Not many of the
men really believed it was so, but the stuff certainly tasted vile and
they kept saying it so as to get even. Being a superstitious lot, the
men were taken with the view that, were the mate were to die, his ghost
would haunt them owing to their treatment while he was alive. So it was
that a spokesman was selected and came to the bedside of the stricken
man. "I've come of behalf of the whole crew," he began, to offer
apology and beg forgiveness for saying that the grog was fifty percent
bilge water." "Aye," came the mate's reply, with the death rattle in
his throat, "tell the boys that I'm content and that my revenge is
complete. You see, before I meet my maker, I want to confess that it
was really one hundred percent bilge water ..." (David J. Wardell)

Two men were fishing on a lake, feeling guilty that it was a Sunday
morning, that they were not attending church, and the fish were not
biting. The first guy eventually says: "I should have stayed home and
gone to church." To which the other angler replied: "I couldn't have
gone to church, anyhow. My wife is sick in bed." (Tom & Carol)



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