arizona humor Groaners Of The Weak 09-25-04
GROANERS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 09-25-04
THE GROANERS
Shortly after Sonny Bono's untimely demise, I was having a drink with
my friend Harry, a highly respected superior court judge. He mentioned
that his father had been Sonny and Cher's chief publicist, and had
stayed with Sonny after the couple's domestic and professional breakup.
He said that Sonny had been quite bitter after the split, and had
instructed his dad to cut up all the existing publicity photos so that
only Sonny's picture remained. I observed that he had done remarkably
well despite his humble beginnings. "I don't understand," he puzzled. I
explained: "Considering the fact that you were raised the son of a Cher
cropper." (By Dan Dutcher)
A Baptist preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited
him to come to church Sunday morning. It seems that this man was a
producer of fine peach brandy, and told the preacher that he would
attend his church IF the pastor would drink some of his brandy and
admit doing so in front of his congregation. The preacher agreed and
drank up. Sunday morning the man visited the church. The preacher
recognized the man from the pulpit and said: "I see Mr. Johnson is here
with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality
this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in
which they were given." (Jaonna's Jokes)
A mother pigeon and a baby pigeon were going to fly south for the
winter. Trying all types of logic, the mother pigeon is having a
difficult time convincing her new baby that he too can fly. The baby
pigeon cried, "I can't make it ... I get too tired." His mother said,
"Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the
other end to mine." The baby started to cry. "What's wrong?" said the
mother. "I don't want to be pigeon towed!"
A surgical patient was given the usual postoperative instructions.
That night she called, wanting to know if her mother could visit. "Any
time," the doctor replied. "Why do you ask?" "It says here in your
instructions, 'no relations until after your post-op checkup.' "
(Beckie Shiles)
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates
Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any
place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him
he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver.
The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back
to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy
shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza,
and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the
Heck did you put on this pizza?" The delivery man bows deeply and says,
"We put on the pizza what you ordered: pepper only." (Douglas Helsel)
A chief petty officer caught an AWOL sailor as he tried to sneak aboard
ship. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation, the petty officer
told him, "Sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning, or it's
the brig for you!" The sailor picked up a broom, but before he could
sweep, a tern landed on the handle. The lad picked the tern off and
tossed it overboard. The bird lit again on the broom handle, and was
again tossed away. On and on, through the night, they went through the
same routine. In the morning, when the petty officer inspected, he
found the chain still dirty. "What have you been doing all night?" he
asked angrily. "Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all
night and couldn't sweep a link!" (Joan DeGrave)
Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?"
"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been cold, wet, and
damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey." "No
problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left.
Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on
and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." "Thanks for
the tip," said the second bee, and flew away. A few hours later the two
bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?"
"Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be.
There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on
every table." "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first
bee. "That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to
think I was a wasp." (Katrina Black)
A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the
police force and bought a farm. "What kind of crops do you plan to
grow?" the police chief asked the farmer-to-be. "Carrots and potatoes,"
the man replied. "Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief.
"Because," answered the ex-detective, "I'm very fond of undercover
crops." (Douglas Helsel)
First my sister starts banging all those clowns. Then she takes up with
that human cannonball guy, and now she's hot and heavy with the
ringmaster. I guess she's determined to sleep her way to the Big Top.
(Larry Hollister)
Margaret, the travel agent relates the following story: A business man
called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly
to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he
needed a visa. "Oh, no, I don't. I've been to China many times and
never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his
stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, honey, I've
been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American
Express." (Irene Ariel Mystery)
If you go camping with a Supreme Court Justice, try taking his favorite
beach toy and pushing it out into the middle of the shallow lake. He'll
stand in his swimming suit for hours at the edge of the dock in quiet
contemplation, trying to determine whether when retrieving it he should
row v. wade. (Brad Simanek)
There's a rumor circulating around the fast food industry that
"Hooter's" is going to open a new division. The new operation will sell
basically the same food menu, and employ a similar staff and concept,
but for home delivery, They plan on calling the new operation
"Knockers" (Lorraine A. Bellis)
The teacher was trying to explain to her class the mean of the word
"difference" as it is used in arithmetic. She drew seven circles on the
blackboard and said to her students: "Watch as I erase four of the
circles. Now, Billy, tell me, what's the difference?" Billy spoke up
quickly, "That's what I say, what's the difference? Who cares? (Douglas
Helsel)
When my friend John came from Philadelphia to visit us in Kentucky, it
took him a while to get used to our Southern foods and accents. One
morning we were having breakfast at a local diner, and he ordered an
egg platter that came with grits. "Hominy?" inquired our waitress.
"Just two," John replied. (Marsha Coleman)
A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter
became eligible to attend the day care center at the University. The
director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To
assure herself of the center's high standards, the young mother asked
about the curriculum. "Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today
we are studying the children's favorite philosopher: Play-Doh." (Clean
Laffs)
Most elementary school children will be able to tell you that the first
American flag was made by Betsy Ross. What they are not taught was that
she was also a social scientist who developed the techniques now used
by Gallop and others. It started when she asked a group of colonists
what they thought of the flag she had made. This was the origin of ...
the flag poll.
There was once a herd of llamas that lived next to a herd of cows - -
separated only by a small fence. The cows would trick the young llamas
into coming over near the fence, then when they got close enough, the
cows would grab them and pull them over to their side. At that point,
they would kick the llamas around - - using them like soccer balls, or
worse! The moral of the story? Llamas, don't let your babies grow up to
be cow toys. (Gil Ross)
A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg. The
first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg
would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000. The
second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary
was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, "This
situation is right here in the fire schedule rating table. The object
is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn't it?" (Ginny)
THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES
Manning a speed trap one day, the cop stopped a young blonde woman and
told her she was going 15 MPH over the posted speed limit. "Yes, I
know," she hurriedly explained. "But I'm very low on gas, and I'm
trying to reach the next station before I run out." (Sydes)
On small town life: "My father is mayor of the town right now. It's a
small town so eventually everyone gets to be mayor. They elected the
mayor by radio last year. My dad was the fifth caller" (Jake Johansen)
When my sister teased her four-year-old daughter by suggesting she
liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class, the little girl was
quite indignant. "No mommy, I don't," she replied, "because he's only
interested in one thing." Shocked, my sister cautiously asked what that
might be. "Power Rangers, of course," said the toddler. (Douglas
Helsel)
My daughter called me at work to say I received a call from "Josh" at
the bank regarding my account. So, I called my bank and the operator
asked me what Josh's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left
his last name. When she asked for his department, I said that I didn't
know. "There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she told me
rather sharply. So I asked her for her name. "Danielle," she said. "And
your last name?" I asked. "Sorry," she replied, "We're not allowed to
give last names." (Hukkam)
Every Monday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the telephone
operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man
asking the exact time. One day the operator summed-up the nerve to ask
him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he
explained. "Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call
you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really
funny," she said. "All this time, we've been setting our clock by your
whistle. (Hukkam)
Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was jailed for
coming to work late." mourned the first. "They said I was trying to
upset the productivity quota." "Me? I came to work early." said the
second. "They said this proved I was a Capitalist spy." "And I am here
for always getting to work on time." added the third. "They said this
proved I had an American watch." (Robeo)
Jewish humor has it that a rabbi and a priest met at the town picnic
and began their usual "kibitzing." "This baked ham is just delicious,"
the priest teased the rabbi. "You really should try some. I know it's
against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful
thing should be forbidden. You just don't know what you're missing. You
haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Kennedy's baked ham. Tell me
rabbi, when are you going to break down and try a little ham?" The
rabbi looked at the priest, smiled and said, "At your wedding." (Irene
Ariel Mystery)
For all their lives, my three sons have been told they have to do their
chores around the house. "I am NOT the maid" is a phrase they've heard
many times. When my oldest went off to college, he called me after one
week at school. Among the first words he heard at college, he reported,
were those of the dormitory maid, announcing to a student who had not
picked up after himself in the men's lavatory, "I am NOT your mother!"
(Dave)
A Kansas cyclone hit a farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It
lifted the roof off, picked up the beds, on which the farmer and his
wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county. The wife began
to cry. "Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt."
Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she responded between sobs.
"I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in 14 years we've been out
together." (Douglas Helsel)
A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and
slightly-singed wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?" the
man asks. "Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking, the
phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't
notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds.
Everything is gone. I nearly didn't make it out of the house. Poor
Fluffy is gone..." "Wait! Back up a minute," the man says. "My agent
called? (Pastor Tim Davis)
The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot,
said, "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt?
Second: How did you get out of your cell?" One of the three men stepped
forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful." "I see. And
what did you use to break the bars?" The warden asked. Replied the
spokesman, "FrenchToast..." (Douglas Helsel)
SON SAYS: Daddy, how was I born? DAD SAYS: Oy! Very well, my son, one
day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat
room on AOL. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a
cybercafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother
downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an
upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the
blessed virus appeared. And that's the story. (Estelle Raderman)
A man walks up to the Pearly Gates and says: "I am a carpenter, and am
looking for my son, he left the earth at an early age, and you will
know him by the holes in his hands!" St. Paul thought, "God is
testing me! This is really God, and he is looking for Jesus!" St. Paul
quickly went and got Jesus, telling him his father was at the Gates.
Jesus came running, shouting " Father?" The man looked at him, and
shouted " Pinocchio?" (Moni)
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THE GROANERS
Shortly after Sonny Bono's untimely demise, I was having a drink with
my friend Harry, a highly respected superior court judge. He mentioned
that his father had been Sonny and Cher's chief publicist, and had
stayed with Sonny after the couple's domestic and professional breakup.
He said that Sonny had been quite bitter after the split, and had
instructed his dad to cut up all the existing publicity photos so that
only Sonny's picture remained. I observed that he had done remarkably
well despite his humble beginnings. "I don't understand," he puzzled. I
explained: "Considering the fact that you were raised the son of a Cher
cropper." (By Dan Dutcher)
A Baptist preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited
him to come to church Sunday morning. It seems that this man was a
producer of fine peach brandy, and told the preacher that he would
attend his church IF the pastor would drink some of his brandy and
admit doing so in front of his congregation. The preacher agreed and
drank up. Sunday morning the man visited the church. The preacher
recognized the man from the pulpit and said: "I see Mr. Johnson is here
with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality
this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in
which they were given." (Jaonna's Jokes)
A mother pigeon and a baby pigeon were going to fly south for the
winter. Trying all types of logic, the mother pigeon is having a
difficult time convincing her new baby that he too can fly. The baby
pigeon cried, "I can't make it ... I get too tired." His mother said,
"Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the
other end to mine." The baby started to cry. "What's wrong?" said the
mother. "I don't want to be pigeon towed!"
A surgical patient was given the usual postoperative instructions.
That night she called, wanting to know if her mother could visit. "Any
time," the doctor replied. "Why do you ask?" "It says here in your
instructions, 'no relations until after your post-op checkup.' "
(Beckie Shiles)
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates
Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any
place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him
he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver.
The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back
to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy
shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza,
and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the
Heck did you put on this pizza?" The delivery man bows deeply and says,
"We put on the pizza what you ordered: pepper only." (Douglas Helsel)
A chief petty officer caught an AWOL sailor as he tried to sneak aboard
ship. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation, the petty officer
told him, "Sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning, or it's
the brig for you!" The sailor picked up a broom, but before he could
sweep, a tern landed on the handle. The lad picked the tern off and
tossed it overboard. The bird lit again on the broom handle, and was
again tossed away. On and on, through the night, they went through the
same routine. In the morning, when the petty officer inspected, he
found the chain still dirty. "What have you been doing all night?" he
asked angrily. "Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all
night and couldn't sweep a link!" (Joan DeGrave)
Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?"
"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been cold, wet, and
damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey." "No
problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left.
Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on
and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." "Thanks for
the tip," said the second bee, and flew away. A few hours later the two
bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?"
"Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be.
There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on
every table." "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first
bee. "That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to
think I was a wasp." (Katrina Black)
A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the
police force and bought a farm. "What kind of crops do you plan to
grow?" the police chief asked the farmer-to-be. "Carrots and potatoes,"
the man replied. "Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief.
"Because," answered the ex-detective, "I'm very fond of undercover
crops." (Douglas Helsel)
First my sister starts banging all those clowns. Then she takes up with
that human cannonball guy, and now she's hot and heavy with the
ringmaster. I guess she's determined to sleep her way to the Big Top.
(Larry Hollister)
Margaret, the travel agent relates the following story: A business man
called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly
to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he
needed a visa. "Oh, no, I don't. I've been to China many times and
never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his
stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, honey, I've
been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American
Express." (Irene Ariel Mystery)
If you go camping with a Supreme Court Justice, try taking his favorite
beach toy and pushing it out into the middle of the shallow lake. He'll
stand in his swimming suit for hours at the edge of the dock in quiet
contemplation, trying to determine whether when retrieving it he should
row v. wade. (Brad Simanek)
There's a rumor circulating around the fast food industry that
"Hooter's" is going to open a new division. The new operation will sell
basically the same food menu, and employ a similar staff and concept,
but for home delivery, They plan on calling the new operation
"Knockers" (Lorraine A. Bellis)
The teacher was trying to explain to her class the mean of the word
"difference" as it is used in arithmetic. She drew seven circles on the
blackboard and said to her students: "Watch as I erase four of the
circles. Now, Billy, tell me, what's the difference?" Billy spoke up
quickly, "That's what I say, what's the difference? Who cares? (Douglas
Helsel)
When my friend John came from Philadelphia to visit us in Kentucky, it
took him a while to get used to our Southern foods and accents. One
morning we were having breakfast at a local diner, and he ordered an
egg platter that came with grits. "Hominy?" inquired our waitress.
"Just two," John replied. (Marsha Coleman)
A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter
became eligible to attend the day care center at the University. The
director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To
assure herself of the center's high standards, the young mother asked
about the curriculum. "Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today
we are studying the children's favorite philosopher: Play-Doh." (Clean
Laffs)
Most elementary school children will be able to tell you that the first
American flag was made by Betsy Ross. What they are not taught was that
she was also a social scientist who developed the techniques now used
by Gallop and others. It started when she asked a group of colonists
what they thought of the flag she had made. This was the origin of ...
the flag poll.
There was once a herd of llamas that lived next to a herd of cows - -
separated only by a small fence. The cows would trick the young llamas
into coming over near the fence, then when they got close enough, the
cows would grab them and pull them over to their side. At that point,
they would kick the llamas around - - using them like soccer balls, or
worse! The moral of the story? Llamas, don't let your babies grow up to
be cow toys. (Gil Ross)
A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg. The
first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg
would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000. The
second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary
was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, "This
situation is right here in the fire schedule rating table. The object
is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn't it?" (Ginny)
THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES
Manning a speed trap one day, the cop stopped a young blonde woman and
told her she was going 15 MPH over the posted speed limit. "Yes, I
know," she hurriedly explained. "But I'm very low on gas, and I'm
trying to reach the next station before I run out." (Sydes)
On small town life: "My father is mayor of the town right now. It's a
small town so eventually everyone gets to be mayor. They elected the
mayor by radio last year. My dad was the fifth caller" (Jake Johansen)
When my sister teased her four-year-old daughter by suggesting she
liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class, the little girl was
quite indignant. "No mommy, I don't," she replied, "because he's only
interested in one thing." Shocked, my sister cautiously asked what that
might be. "Power Rangers, of course," said the toddler. (Douglas
Helsel)
My daughter called me at work to say I received a call from "Josh" at
the bank regarding my account. So, I called my bank and the operator
asked me what Josh's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left
his last name. When she asked for his department, I said that I didn't
know. "There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she told me
rather sharply. So I asked her for her name. "Danielle," she said. "And
your last name?" I asked. "Sorry," she replied, "We're not allowed to
give last names." (Hukkam)
Every Monday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the telephone
operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man
asking the exact time. One day the operator summed-up the nerve to ask
him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he
explained. "Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call
you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really
funny," she said. "All this time, we've been setting our clock by your
whistle. (Hukkam)
Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was jailed for
coming to work late." mourned the first. "They said I was trying to
upset the productivity quota." "Me? I came to work early." said the
second. "They said this proved I was a Capitalist spy." "And I am here
for always getting to work on time." added the third. "They said this
proved I had an American watch." (Robeo)
Jewish humor has it that a rabbi and a priest met at the town picnic
and began their usual "kibitzing." "This baked ham is just delicious,"
the priest teased the rabbi. "You really should try some. I know it's
against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful
thing should be forbidden. You just don't know what you're missing. You
haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Kennedy's baked ham. Tell me
rabbi, when are you going to break down and try a little ham?" The
rabbi looked at the priest, smiled and said, "At your wedding." (Irene
Ariel Mystery)
For all their lives, my three sons have been told they have to do their
chores around the house. "I am NOT the maid" is a phrase they've heard
many times. When my oldest went off to college, he called me after one
week at school. Among the first words he heard at college, he reported,
were those of the dormitory maid, announcing to a student who had not
picked up after himself in the men's lavatory, "I am NOT your mother!"
(Dave)
A Kansas cyclone hit a farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It
lifted the roof off, picked up the beds, on which the farmer and his
wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county. The wife began
to cry. "Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt."
Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she responded between sobs.
"I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in 14 years we've been out
together." (Douglas Helsel)
A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and
slightly-singed wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?" the
man asks. "Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking, the
phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't
notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds.
Everything is gone. I nearly didn't make it out of the house. Poor
Fluffy is gone..." "Wait! Back up a minute," the man says. "My agent
called? (Pastor Tim Davis)
The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot,
said, "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt?
Second: How did you get out of your cell?" One of the three men stepped
forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful." "I see. And
what did you use to break the bars?" The warden asked. Replied the
spokesman, "FrenchToast..." (Douglas Helsel)
SON SAYS: Daddy, how was I born? DAD SAYS: Oy! Very well, my son, one
day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat
room on AOL. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a
cybercafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother
downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an
upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the
blessed virus appeared. And that's the story. (Estelle Raderman)
A man walks up to the Pearly Gates and says: "I am a carpenter, and am
looking for my son, he left the earth at an early age, and you will
know him by the holes in his hands!" St. Paul thought, "God is
testing me! This is really God, and he is looking for Jesus!" St. Paul
quickly went and got Jesus, telling him his father was at the Gates.
Jesus came running, shouting " Father?" The man looked at him, and
shouted " Pinocchio?" (Moni)
------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
Make a clean sweep of pop-up ads. Yahoo! Companion Toolbar.
Now with Pop-Up Blocker. Get it for free!
http://us.click.yahoo.com/L5YrjA/eSIIAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
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