arizona humor Kids Puns of the Weak 09-28-04
KIDS PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 09-28-04
JEST FOR KIDS * THE RIDDLES
How do you make a skeleton laugh?
By tickling his funny bone. (Daily Groaner)
What do you call a pea from the '60s?
A hip pea (Rachel, 11)
When should baseball players wear armor?
When they play knight games (Tei, 8)
Why do teachers wear sunglasses?
Because their students are so bright! (Alexa, 8)
Why is a sofa like a roast chicken?
Because they're both full of stuffing! (Joanna)
Why do grocery clerks make you pick paper or plastic?
Because baggers can't be choosers. (Jay Salinger)
Why did the pony's hoof make a funny sound?
Because his horseshoe was a ringer. (Hilario, 10)
What do you call a lizard with a platinum hip-hop album?
Rap-tile! (Daily Groaner)
Why couldn't the athlete listen to his music?
Because he broke the record! (James, 11)
What did Sir Lancelot wear to bed?
A knight gown (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)
What did the blanket say to the bed?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered!" (Susan, 11)
Where should you put the officers in a military orchestra?
In the brass section (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
What happens when a cat eats a lemon?
It becomes a sourpuss. (Kyle, 9)
Why did the teacher say Johnny's grades were were under water?
They were all below "C" level (Andy 12)
Why did the lady go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather. (Douglas Helsel)
Did you hear about the successful school play?
It was a class act. (Mike Benny)
What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You have to been careful not to step in a poodle. (Andrew Garcia)
Why did the butcher make his sausages with meat at one end but only
corn meal at the other?
Because in hard economic times it's difficult to make both ends meat.
(Lederer & Ertner)
Why did the urban gang cross the road?
To ghetto the other side. (Bob Dvorak)
What did the big French fry say to the little French fry?
Ketchup (Rachael, 7)
Why did the boy call his pet pig Ballpoint?
It was a pen name. (Lederer & Ertner)
Which line did the comedian stand in at the dance?
The punch line (Daily Groaner)
What did the the Roman emperor say when he saw his best friend scarf
down an entire can of Starkist?
Et tuna, Brute? (Sean)
Which is worth more an old ten dollar bill or a new one?
An old ten-dollar bill is always worth more than a new ONE. (Douglas
Helsel)
Why does the little moron save burned-out light bulbs?
So he can use them in his darkroom. (Bill Edwards)
Why are fish so smart?
Because they swim in schools. (Rosie OâDonnell)
What animals would you expect to pray?
The praying mantis, the church mouse, the holy see anemone and the
papal tiger (Michael Bass)
What does a porcupine like to do when playing volleyball?
Spike. (Pun of the Day)
What did his friends say when the watchmaker wrote a book?
"It's about time" (Zoe, 9)
What do you call a computer superhero?
A screen saver. (Beckie Shiles)
Why did Johnny bite his nails
Because the doctor said he was iron-deficient. (Reed, 13)
Why did the little moron stand on his head in the kitchen?
He was making an upside down cake. (Bill Edwards)
Why did the little moron jump out his second story window last March
twenty-first?
To try out his new Spring suit! (Bill Edwards)
What flower is in between your nose and your chin?
Two lips! (Douglas Helsel)
Why was the sheep arrested on the freeway?
Because she did a ewe-turn! (Betty, 8)
Why did the little moron go to night school?
So he could learn to read in the dark. (Bill Edwards)
JEST FOR KIDS * THE PUNS
When the tornado hunters spotted the twister, they were blown away.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Why do people eat pretzels since they are knot food? (Tony Thoennes)
Sign in the window of a pillow company: For sale-all it takes is a
small down payment.
I'm writing a screenplay about a seaside romance. it's a classic
buoy-meets-gull story. (Anne Kostick)
The comic book artist drew a blank (Marsha Coleman)
The tailor viewed his ability to weave steel garments as one of his
strong suits. (Daniel Elbirt)
Sign on a rodeo gate: Broncho riders needed immediately. Big bucks
possible!
I used to run a doughnut shop, but I got tired of the hole business.
(Anne Kostick)
"Waiter! There's a twig in my soup!" "My apologies, sir, I'll inform
the branch manager." (Phill Rock)
Show me a man that has braces on his teeth and I'll show you a man who
has put his money where his mouth is.
Did you hear about the tire dealer that had a blowout sale ? (Tony
Thoennes)
What do you get if you mix Snoopy and breakfast?
A beagle and cream cheese! (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)
Jack sold a cow for some beans, came home to his mother, and spilled
the beans. (Pun of the Day)
It's a real dollars and cents wedding. He hasn't any dollars and she
hasn't any sense. (Anna Kostick)
"I don't care what you've discovered, you still should have written!"
(Christopher Columbus's Mother)
People like to help him out just as soon as he comes in! (Lucetta Myers)
A music company put pianos outside for a sale, but protected their
internal organs (Pun of the Day)
A few years ago, I opened the invitation to my great-great uncle's
100th birthday party. On the front ~ in bold letters ~ it screamed,
"If he's heard it once, he's heard it a hundred times. Happy Birthday,
Sam!" (Marsha Coleman)
"All right, if you're not hiding your report card inside your jacket,
take your hand out of there and show me!" (Napoleon's Mother)
When the doctor mounted a diagram of the brain, he established a frame
of mind. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Have you heard of the dental practice that was rotten to it's roots?
(Joan DeGrave)
"Again with the hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other
kids?" (Abraham Lincoln's Mother)
I almost got married a few times, but fortunately, they were only
near-Mrs. (Anne Kostick)
The valedictorian wore to her interview for college a smart suit.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
"Do you sell cats meat?" "Yes, as long as they are accompanied by a
human being." (Bruce A. G. Calder)
"This you call a smile, after all the money your father and I spent on
braces?" (Mona Lisa's Mother)
As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would
behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good, why
can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now
turn it off and go to sleep!" (Thomas Edison's Mother)
He bought a plate with four corners so he could have a square meal.
(Pun of the Day)
Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii,
sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to
welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. table tennis team, after
its tour of Communist China. The bill failed to pass, cheating the
Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell
Bill.
PUNS IN THE COMICS
Sign in The Spiritial Music Center window says "We have a full line of
trumpet rentals." Woman says, "Well, I suppose its for people who don't
like to blow their own horn. (Non-Sequitur: Wiley)
Two high school students with skate boards sitting on a bus in seats
designated, "These seats reserved for seniors." One says, "Don't tell
anyone I'm a junior." (Bizarro: Dan Piraro)
Crankshaft driving his school bus up a hill. "Ha! Donald's mother has
finally given up. I knew she could never make it up Turtle Hill with
that cast and the French horn case. I guess you could say she wasn't
musically inclined." (Crankshaft: Batluk & Ayers)
Arcade Token: "I'm stating a pledge drive today." Kennedy dime: "For
what cause?" "For the San Andreas." "Why that?" "So people can be
generous to a fault." (Money Talks: Owen Lorion)
Gossips suffer from acute indiscretion (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Kennedy Dime: "Where is arcade token today?" Lincoln Penny: I shut him
up in a safe." "Why did you do that? "It needed to be done. And I
figured I might as well be generous to a vault." (Money Talks: Owen
Lorion)
Neatly stacked laundry is organized grime (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Two Catholic priests talking: "A small town in Idaho needs a priest for
their congregation." "Do they want some friars with that?" (Frank &
Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Some people cure a nagging headache by getting a divorce. (Graffiti:
Gene Mora)
"You know, I meditate." "Really?" "Well, not all the time. Just now and
zen." (Raising Duncan: Chris Browne)
"Wharcha watching?" "I dunno, some legal thing. I think they're gonna
show how to put a mammal in your will." "What's it called?" "Leave it
to beaver." (Mother Goose and Grimm: Mike Peters)
Mother: "Jeremy? What are you doing?" Son at computer: "Just talking
to some friends." "At this hour?" "I can't help it. It's a deeply
rooted tenet of my current philosophy." "Philosophy?" "I think,
therefore I. M." (Zits: Scott & Borgman)
"What's on the tube tonight? "Well on basic cable, they've got the Ten
Commandments, and on premium cable, they're breaking them" (Shoe:
Cassett & Brookins)
Watch out for the chef who won't lick his own fingers (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)
Doctor to patient: "Hmm. I don't like the look of that. Come back when
it clears up." (Oddly Enough: Chris Kemp)
I know of one way of achieving immortality. When your number comes up,
make sure its unlisted. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
I live life in the fast lane because I can only afford eight items or
fewer. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
I never rely on statistics. Research shows 87% are usually inaccurate.
(Bottom Liners: Eric & Bill Teitelbaum)
People who diet naturally are born losers. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Wahington D. C. Spin Doctors. Washer Drier Repairs (Bound and Gagged:
Dana Summers)
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JEST FOR KIDS * THE RIDDLES
How do you make a skeleton laugh?
By tickling his funny bone. (Daily Groaner)
What do you call a pea from the '60s?
A hip pea (Rachel, 11)
When should baseball players wear armor?
When they play knight games (Tei, 8)
Why do teachers wear sunglasses?
Because their students are so bright! (Alexa, 8)
Why is a sofa like a roast chicken?
Because they're both full of stuffing! (Joanna)
Why do grocery clerks make you pick paper or plastic?
Because baggers can't be choosers. (Jay Salinger)
Why did the pony's hoof make a funny sound?
Because his horseshoe was a ringer. (Hilario, 10)
What do you call a lizard with a platinum hip-hop album?
Rap-tile! (Daily Groaner)
Why couldn't the athlete listen to his music?
Because he broke the record! (James, 11)
What did Sir Lancelot wear to bed?
A knight gown (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)
What did the blanket say to the bed?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered!" (Susan, 11)
Where should you put the officers in a military orchestra?
In the brass section (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
What happens when a cat eats a lemon?
It becomes a sourpuss. (Kyle, 9)
Why did the teacher say Johnny's grades were were under water?
They were all below "C" level (Andy 12)
Why did the lady go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather. (Douglas Helsel)
Did you hear about the successful school play?
It was a class act. (Mike Benny)
What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You have to been careful not to step in a poodle. (Andrew Garcia)
Why did the butcher make his sausages with meat at one end but only
corn meal at the other?
Because in hard economic times it's difficult to make both ends meat.
(Lederer & Ertner)
Why did the urban gang cross the road?
To ghetto the other side. (Bob Dvorak)
What did the big French fry say to the little French fry?
Ketchup (Rachael, 7)
Why did the boy call his pet pig Ballpoint?
It was a pen name. (Lederer & Ertner)
Which line did the comedian stand in at the dance?
The punch line (Daily Groaner)
What did the the Roman emperor say when he saw his best friend scarf
down an entire can of Starkist?
Et tuna, Brute? (Sean)
Which is worth more an old ten dollar bill or a new one?
An old ten-dollar bill is always worth more than a new ONE. (Douglas
Helsel)
Why does the little moron save burned-out light bulbs?
So he can use them in his darkroom. (Bill Edwards)
Why are fish so smart?
Because they swim in schools. (Rosie OâDonnell)
What animals would you expect to pray?
The praying mantis, the church mouse, the holy see anemone and the
papal tiger (Michael Bass)
What does a porcupine like to do when playing volleyball?
Spike. (Pun of the Day)
What did his friends say when the watchmaker wrote a book?
"It's about time" (Zoe, 9)
What do you call a computer superhero?
A screen saver. (Beckie Shiles)
Why did Johnny bite his nails
Because the doctor said he was iron-deficient. (Reed, 13)
Why did the little moron stand on his head in the kitchen?
He was making an upside down cake. (Bill Edwards)
Why did the little moron jump out his second story window last March
twenty-first?
To try out his new Spring suit! (Bill Edwards)
What flower is in between your nose and your chin?
Two lips! (Douglas Helsel)
Why was the sheep arrested on the freeway?
Because she did a ewe-turn! (Betty, 8)
Why did the little moron go to night school?
So he could learn to read in the dark. (Bill Edwards)
JEST FOR KIDS * THE PUNS
When the tornado hunters spotted the twister, they were blown away.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Why do people eat pretzels since they are knot food? (Tony Thoennes)
Sign in the window of a pillow company: For sale-all it takes is a
small down payment.
I'm writing a screenplay about a seaside romance. it's a classic
buoy-meets-gull story. (Anne Kostick)
The comic book artist drew a blank (Marsha Coleman)
The tailor viewed his ability to weave steel garments as one of his
strong suits. (Daniel Elbirt)
Sign on a rodeo gate: Broncho riders needed immediately. Big bucks
possible!
I used to run a doughnut shop, but I got tired of the hole business.
(Anne Kostick)
"Waiter! There's a twig in my soup!" "My apologies, sir, I'll inform
the branch manager." (Phill Rock)
Show me a man that has braces on his teeth and I'll show you a man who
has put his money where his mouth is.
Did you hear about the tire dealer that had a blowout sale ? (Tony
Thoennes)
What do you get if you mix Snoopy and breakfast?
A beagle and cream cheese! (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)
Jack sold a cow for some beans, came home to his mother, and spilled
the beans. (Pun of the Day)
It's a real dollars and cents wedding. He hasn't any dollars and she
hasn't any sense. (Anna Kostick)
"I don't care what you've discovered, you still should have written!"
(Christopher Columbus's Mother)
People like to help him out just as soon as he comes in! (Lucetta Myers)
A music company put pianos outside for a sale, but protected their
internal organs (Pun of the Day)
A few years ago, I opened the invitation to my great-great uncle's
100th birthday party. On the front ~ in bold letters ~ it screamed,
"If he's heard it once, he's heard it a hundred times. Happy Birthday,
Sam!" (Marsha Coleman)
"All right, if you're not hiding your report card inside your jacket,
take your hand out of there and show me!" (Napoleon's Mother)
When the doctor mounted a diagram of the brain, he established a frame
of mind. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Have you heard of the dental practice that was rotten to it's roots?
(Joan DeGrave)
"Again with the hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other
kids?" (Abraham Lincoln's Mother)
I almost got married a few times, but fortunately, they were only
near-Mrs. (Anne Kostick)
The valedictorian wore to her interview for college a smart suit.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
"Do you sell cats meat?" "Yes, as long as they are accompanied by a
human being." (Bruce A. G. Calder)
"This you call a smile, after all the money your father and I spent on
braces?" (Mona Lisa's Mother)
As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would
behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good, why
can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now
turn it off and go to sleep!" (Thomas Edison's Mother)
He bought a plate with four corners so he could have a square meal.
(Pun of the Day)
Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii,
sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to
welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. table tennis team, after
its tour of Communist China. The bill failed to pass, cheating the
Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell
Bill.
PUNS IN THE COMICS
Sign in The Spiritial Music Center window says "We have a full line of
trumpet rentals." Woman says, "Well, I suppose its for people who don't
like to blow their own horn. (Non-Sequitur: Wiley)
Two high school students with skate boards sitting on a bus in seats
designated, "These seats reserved for seniors." One says, "Don't tell
anyone I'm a junior." (Bizarro: Dan Piraro)
Crankshaft driving his school bus up a hill. "Ha! Donald's mother has
finally given up. I knew she could never make it up Turtle Hill with
that cast and the French horn case. I guess you could say she wasn't
musically inclined." (Crankshaft: Batluk & Ayers)
Arcade Token: "I'm stating a pledge drive today." Kennedy dime: "For
what cause?" "For the San Andreas." "Why that?" "So people can be
generous to a fault." (Money Talks: Owen Lorion)
Gossips suffer from acute indiscretion (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Kennedy Dime: "Where is arcade token today?" Lincoln Penny: I shut him
up in a safe." "Why did you do that? "It needed to be done. And I
figured I might as well be generous to a vault." (Money Talks: Owen
Lorion)
Neatly stacked laundry is organized grime (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Two Catholic priests talking: "A small town in Idaho needs a priest for
their congregation." "Do they want some friars with that?" (Frank &
Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Some people cure a nagging headache by getting a divorce. (Graffiti:
Gene Mora)
"You know, I meditate." "Really?" "Well, not all the time. Just now and
zen." (Raising Duncan: Chris Browne)
"Wharcha watching?" "I dunno, some legal thing. I think they're gonna
show how to put a mammal in your will." "What's it called?" "Leave it
to beaver." (Mother Goose and Grimm: Mike Peters)
Mother: "Jeremy? What are you doing?" Son at computer: "Just talking
to some friends." "At this hour?" "I can't help it. It's a deeply
rooted tenet of my current philosophy." "Philosophy?" "I think,
therefore I. M." (Zits: Scott & Borgman)
"What's on the tube tonight? "Well on basic cable, they've got the Ten
Commandments, and on premium cable, they're breaking them" (Shoe:
Cassett & Brookins)
Watch out for the chef who won't lick his own fingers (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)
Doctor to patient: "Hmm. I don't like the look of that. Come back when
it clears up." (Oddly Enough: Chris Kemp)
I know of one way of achieving immortality. When your number comes up,
make sure its unlisted. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
I live life in the fast lane because I can only afford eight items or
fewer. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
I never rely on statistics. Research shows 87% are usually inaccurate.
(Bottom Liners: Eric & Bill Teitelbaum)
People who diet naturally are born losers. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Wahington D. C. Spin Doctors. Washer Drier Repairs (Bound and Gagged:
Dana Summers)
------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
Make a clean sweep of pop-up ads. Yahoo! Companion Toolbar.
Now with Pop-Up Blocker. Get it for free!
http://us.click.yahoo.com/L5YrjA/eSIIAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->
Jokes and Humor
********************************************
Life Story Writing
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Funny Quotes
Love Quotes
Famous Recipes
If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor
or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Yahoo! Groups Links
<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/
<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
arizona_humor-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
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