arizona humor Puns Of The Weak 09-13-04

PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 09-13-04

THE ONE-LINERS

A baseball star made his debut as a singer at one of the Playboy clubs.
"Tonight," he quavered. "I'm like a girl who flirts with the butcher.
I'm playing for big steaks." (Bennett Cerf)

A young man returned from a dance at a coastal resort. He was sporting
a huge black eye. When asked if he had run into a door, he replied, the
beauty of the place had struck him.

The word today is Legs ... Spread the word. (Questar)

An American in Scotland asked one of the locals, "Why do you call it a
kilt?" The Scotsman replied, "Because we kilt the last bloke who called
it a dress." (Gard Webster)

If a lawyer speaks for too long there will be an extended sentence.
(Tony Thoennes)

The ladies at the gym hated his incessant ogling. They nicknamed the
pervert, “King Leer.” (John Jaeger)

"Whenever I'm in the dumps I get myself a new hat." "I was wondering
where you got them." (Further More Over Sexteen)

An impetuous young man deliberately threw three pairs of trousers into
the furnace one Sunday, then told his wife, "No longer can you accuse
me of being a stick-in-the-mud, unwilling to take a chance. I have just
burned my breeches behind me." (Bennett Cerf)

The author of a rather obscure play insisted that the theatre let
grossly obese people in for free. He wanted his work to be seen by a
much wider audience! (Johann von Haupkopf)

There's still "incurable romantics" -- we need better antibiotics
(Douglas Helsel)

When a college dormitory exploded, a lot of roomers were flying. (Moni)

The Muscovite with diarrhea had to run to the toilet. He was Russian.
(Jim Jaeger)

South Florida residents own as many guns as the North Korean army,
although ours are generally of a higher caliber. (Dave Berry)

The promoter of a big flower show in Pennsylvania was told that a
postponement was necessary because the exhibits could not be installed
on time He explained to his backers, "We simply were caught with our
plants down." (Bennett Cerf)

All things come to he who goes down a one-way street in the wrong
direction. (Don & Sara Probasco)

I've heard of people being left-handed, but today I heard about someone
who was left behind. What's up with that? (Tom Sims)

More fashion change can lead to less real change. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)

The young couple have dinner guests. The host watches intently through
a crack in the kitchen door as the hostess greets and seats their
guests When all are settled the hostess nods at the door and Ken
sweeps into the room carrying the tray of Barbie cued ribs. (Norm
Stevenson)

During a museum tour the guide explains, "Here you can see the
beautiful statue of Athena..." "Excuse me, madam," a visitor
interjects. "Who is that man behind her? Is he her husband?" "No,
Athena wasn't married: She was the goddess of wisdom." (Irene Ariel
Mystery)

In the beginning, there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light!"
... And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it
a whole lot better. (Bennett Cerf)

Because His holiness John Paul II is so often called upon to greet new
members brought into the religion, I heard they've altared the engine
on his Popemobile. Now it's got a Catholictic converter. (Gary Hallock)

They've invented an engine that runs on semolina. Trouble is, it can't
get pasta gas station. (Jason Dias)

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

In a number of countries there is no legal protection for minority
believers -- those who observe a religion other than the official
state-sponsored faith. I guess these countries are taking great chances
with unprotected sects. (Bob Dvorak)

Advertisement for lawn sprinkler system: "Dew it yourself." (Douglas
Helsel)

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single. (Judy K.)

An applicant for a driver's license came to the question: "How many
feet are required to stop a car traveling 30 mph?" He answered: "Two
feet, one for the clutch, one for the brake." He got his license. (Tom
& Carol)

I'm currently between destinations, but that's neither here nor there.
(Brad Simanek)

The second best writing implement in the world is the pen ultimate.
(Pun of the Day)

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to
her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything
breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten
Commandments." answered the lady. (Tom & Carol)

I toured a meat packing plant yesterday. It was offal. (Jim Jaeger)

A Pennsylvania farmer with relatives in East Germany heard that a food
package he had sent them had never arrived. Putting a brave face on
things, he assured them, "Cheer up! The wurst is yet to come." (Bennett
Cerf)

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Five-year-old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and
said, "I've lost my dad!" The policeman said, "What's he like?" Little
Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

QUOTES

It's no wonder politicians don't listen to their conscience. They don't
want to take advice from a total stranger. (Venkatesh)

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. (Senator S. I.
Hayakawa)

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we
feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. (Dave Berry)

And there's no damage to the car. Except to the car itself. (Murray
Walker)

Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends. (Tim Davis)

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got
it made.

More diets begin in dress shops than in doctors' offices. (Don & Sara
Probasco)

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? (Reverend
William Archibald Spooner)

The only way to get elected to Congress is to raise a bunch of
campaign money, and pretty much the only way to do that is to already
be a member of Congress. (Dave Berry)

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have
that rule when Jesus was born. (Elayne Boosler)

A politician will always be there when he needs you. (Richard Smolik)

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Things are more like they are now than they have ever been. (Gerald
Ford)

When your arm gets hit, the ball is not going to go where you want it
to. (John Madden)

We have to believe in free will. We have no choice. (Douglas Helsel)

It’s a good life if you can laugh with people. It’s a great life if you
can laugh alone. (Mike Bass)

Outside of the killings, [Washington] has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country. (Marion Barry)

I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every
seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover
how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.
(Dave Berry)

I want to live forever or die in the attempt. (Woody Allen)

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. (Judy K.)

When a great many people are unable to find work, unemployment results.
(Calvin Coolidge)

I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when
I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive
work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: "How can I
get in on that?" (Dave Barry)

You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime. (John
P. Grier)

Funny how just when you think life can't possibly get any worse it
suddenly does. (Douglas Adams)

PUNY CONUNDRUMS

How is crossing an oak seed with an opium poppy likely to help you
avoid radical eye surgery?
A Corneal Trance Plant (Gary Hallock)

What did the Martian say to the liquor store owner?
"Take me to your Liter's!" (By Cynthia MacGregor)

Why will dermatologists rarely guarantee a cure
Because they don't like to make rash promises. (Stan Kegel)

What kind of pie do Australian ghosts like best?
Boo Meringue (Gary Hallock)

My son was screaming at my wife, demanding a cookie at the top of his
lungs. She answered, "You are" then used three words. I thought she was
telling him three words which described how much volume he had in his
screaming, but it turns out she was telling him he was able to have a
single cookie. What two words did she say after "You are?"
Allowed one (A loud one) (Clynch Varnadore)

What is the religion of a woman who had a sex-change operation.
A He Then (Stan Kegel)

If you crossed a pigeon with a chicken, what family would the offspring
belong to?
The Coo Clucks Klan (Gary Hallock)

What instrument does a Seattle veterinarian use for inoculating
neutered dogs?
The Spays Needle. (Lars Hanson)

What is the term for diagnosing illness by looking at teeth?
Eye-Dentification (Stan Kegel)

Why would your girlfriend get mad if you put your condom on backwards?
Because you'd rubber the wrong way. (Gary Hallock)

While drinking at a bar one night, a young man met a young woman whom
he did not find attractive, though she found him attractive. However,
she plied him with a green licorice-flavored liqueur and soon made him
love her. What did she remember that he had forgotten?
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. (Lars Hanson)

How does a male cow proceed down a steep slope?
He tum-bulls (Cynthia MacGregor)

In what country would you expect to find the sickest undergarments?
Brazil (Stan Kegel)

What state might Rodgers & Hammerstein think is a good state to go for
a ride in?
Missouri with the fringe on top (Cynthia MacGregor)

What famous mountain did Li'l Abner come from?
Al Cappatan (Gary Hallock)

What movie and song hit was about the use of Marijuana to control the
itching of scabies?
The High and Mite-y (Stan Kegel)

Why do skunks show up at the voting place on Election Day?
They are poll cats? (By Cynthia MacGregor)

If you went to see Mount Rushmore and discovered the entire mountain
had been reduced to a pile of rubble. It would be immediately obvious
that the National Parks Service had been unable to save face so why
would you not even need to ask anyone what had become of the
presidents?
It was a four gone conclusion. (Gary Hallock)

What Shakespearean play deals with the dishonoring of a faithful wife?
The Shaming of the True (Stan Kegel)

When the passenger found the bed was too hard, the water too cold, and
other problems with his sleeping car arrangements he complained to the
conductor about what?
Berth Defects (By Clynch Varnadore)



------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
$9.95 domain names from Yahoo!. Register anything.
http://us.click.yahoo.com/J8kdrA/y20IAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->

Jokes and Humor

********************************************

Life Story Writing
Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes

Famous Quotes

Funny Quotes

Love Quotes

Famous Recipes

If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor
or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Yahoo! Groups Links

<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/

<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
arizona_humor-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/