arizona humor Puns of the Weak 09-27-04
PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 09-27-04
THE ONE-LINERS
Not many people know that Arthur Miller wrote a sequel to Death of a
Salesman. Naturally it covers his early years when Willy was just
starting out his career. It's called Loman on the totem pole. (Gary
Hallock)
The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning
Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it to have the inclination if
you don't have the time? (Gil Ross)
Mathematicians do not make good chefs as they fail to believe that not
all "pie are square." (Chalky)
When clouds formed over the open-air theater, the actor said, "It's
over cast" (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
While in the Middle East I bought an ink pen. I can't get it to work
though. I just don't understand Arab Bic. (SGT Snorkel)
You won't find me working as a roofer's assistant, because I loathe the
thought of catching shingles. (Damian Krebs)
I entered a contest for the most prominent veins. I didn't win but I
came varicose. (Douglas Helsel)
On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but never
the present. (Joan DeGrave)
When he stepped in the mud, he had to soften his stance. (Pun of the
Day)
Juan lives in a small hut, in a small Mexican village and catches a few
fish daily to eat with his tortillas. Retire now in idyllic Mexico with
almost no money. And ... You too can live as cheaply as Juan. (Jim
Jaeger)
Four fashion models, all wearing Dior gowns, were sitting in a Citroen.
When asked what type of car it was, one girl replied, "It's a four Dior
job." (Robert Margolin)
What do you call an experimental monkey in a Cuiseinart?
Rhesus pieces. (Paul Cooper)
There are three stages to sex in a person's life: Tri Weekly, Try
Weekly, and Try Weakly. (Maxi Ma)
If you ever decide to kill someone, make sure you don't do yoga first.
That pre-meditation thing makes a big difference in a court of law.
(Mongoose & Milk)
When the funeral pyre broke and fell into the fire, it was referred to
as a bier bust. ("pun"jab)
Yogurt has a long whey to go before it becomes popular culture. (ali
leslie)
I don't think my mother ever really loved me. She and my dad were both
professional wrestlers, and I was born out of headlock. (Daily Groaner)
I swear I'll quit my job here at the Nestle factory if my rah-rah
supervisor tries one more time to motivate us by yelling, "C'mon guys,
it's Crunch time!" (Brad Simanek)
A student in a science class wrote, "The universe is a giant orgasm"
(instead of organism). At the end of the student's essay, the teacher
riposted, "Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory."
(Lucetta Myers)
A police captain, regarded as something of an egghead by subordinates,
was shown two sets of fingerprints of a suspected robber. "These can't
belong to the same man," objected the captain. "They're whorls apart."
(Bennett Cerf)
If you have a strong compulsion to steal that pink stuff that soothes
your stomach, are you a Peptomaniac? (Alan Selk)
All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.
If you take care of your peonies, the dahlias will take care of
themselves. (Robert Margolin)
Inflation is creeping up. Yesterday I ordered a $25.00 steak in a
restaurant and told them to put it on my American Express card, And it
fit. (Kevin Rayner)
How many lawyers does it take to change a flat tire?
Three: One to call the tow truck on the cell phone, one to stir the
martinis, and one to take notes for the upcoming lawsuit against the
tire company. (Beckie Shiles)
The pupils were assigned the task of writing an essay titled "The Most
Beautiful Thing I Ever Saw". One of the students finished his essay in
less than a minute. He wrote,"The most beautiful thing I ever saw was
just too beautiful for words." (Humor Express)
My wife is a hypochondriac. Every day it's the same old song. Yada yada
yada. Blah blah blah. I've heard that malady before. (Tooter Day)
The world is divided into two kinds of people: those who have tattoos,
and those who are afraid of people with tattoos. (Anon.)
Willie Sutton to a girl in a singles bar "I'm in freelance banking.
And you?" (The Wit Wizard)
First they tell me to get a life. Then they put out an Amber Alert with
my license plate number. C'mon, people, make up your minds! (The
Covert Comic)
More fashion change can lead to less real change. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)
QUOTES
Entropy isn't what it used to be. (Owen K. Lorian)
Husband to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin',
cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work. (Joan DeGrave)
Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to
own one." - W. C. Fields
Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. (Maxi
Ma)
Don't settle for the one you can live with, wait for the one you can't
live without. (Anonymous)
Relationships don't last any more. When I meet a guy, the first
question I ask myself is, Is this the man I want my children to spend
every other weekend with? (Caboom)
Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
(Joanna) -
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around
and easily wrapped around the fingers of grand children.. (Joanna)
Gentlemen prefer bonds. (Andrew Mellon)
Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make a bed,
and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders. (Joan
DeGrave)
When the government puts teeth in the law, they aren't always wisdom
teeth. (Beckie Shiles)
Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things
they make it easier to do, don't need to be done. (Andy Rooney)
People who have difficulty remembering the slightest incidents usually
have no trouble recalling even the most incidental slights. (Mardy
Grothe)
If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a
thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag. (Joan DeGrave)
God gave you two ears and one mouth ... so you should listen twice as
much as you talk. - (Joanna)
Evil doers are in the eye of the beholder. (Stephen Kramer)
The desire to take medicine is one feature which distinguishes man, the
animal, from the rest of his fellow creatures. (Sir William Osler)
Always keep your successes in mind during moments of failure and your
past failures in mind during moments of success. (Mardy Grothe)
Does anyone ask rhetorical questions anymore? (Stan Kegel)
Never have children, only grandchildren. (Gore Vidal)
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his
client to plant vines. (Frank Lloyd Wright)
But remember what The Bible says: "To err is conservative; to forgive
is liberal." (Micheal Bass)
Fifty-five is the ideal age for a woman especially if she is 65.
(Beckie Shiles)
Some people have a hard time believing that all of those animals could
fit inside Noah's ark. But what amazes me is that Noah built the ark
without a single power tool. (Bill Jones)
My blood type is O positive and my pregnant wife's is O negative. Now
I'm no math whiz, but doesn't that mean our child will be bloodless?
(Allen Lindsey)
Of the seven dwarves, only Dopey had a shaven face. This should tell us
something about the custom of shaving. (Tom Robbins)
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons. (Douglas Adams)
PUNY CONUNDRUMS
What do you call drunken French artists who paint on gesso?
The plastered of Paris (By Gary Hallock)
Why are gymnasts such good friends in times of need.
Because they will bend over backwards to help you. (Stan Kegel)
Every Thanksgiving in my family we would all get together for a family
dinner. We were a large family but could only afford one turkey. The
children were all at a separate table, and would have to wait for the
platters to reach us after passing through the adults. Even though I
longed for some white meat, all too often the turkey would run out
before the platters reached us, and I would not even get dark meat. We
would have to settle for hot dogs. From that experience, I learned a
very valuable lesson in life. That lesson is captured in what saying?
Hope for the breast, but prepare for the wurst. (By Lars Hanson)
A certain location identified by a red square contains an edifice known
to be inhabited by spirits called?
Kremlins (Bob Dvorak)
What former world ruler was a proponent of Daylight Savings Time?
German Chancellor Konrad Add an hour (Adenauer), (Cynthia MacGregor)
We all know of aluminum foil and also that clear plastic stuff that
comes on rolls for packaging your food in order to keep it fresh. Well,
one of the companies that makes this stuff has decided to create
several brand names designed to appeal to folk who like to listen to
Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice and that sort of music. What are they calling
their clear plastic stuff?
Gangsta Wrap (Clynch Varnadore)
The Fish & Game Dept. banned fishermen from setting foot in several
trout streams, because it was upsetting their breeding program. What
legal precedent did they cite for this action?
Roe vs Wade (By Ken Pinkham)
If an escaped prisoner murdered your male cow with a large knife, who
should you call?
The con-stab-bull (Gary Hallock)
It is well known that athletes are very superstitous. If their luck has
changed and they're doing well, they make sure everything remains
constant, even wearing the same socks or underwear without washing for
days or even weeks at a time. This was true of one of the pitchers in
our Olympic Gold softball team who would not pitch unless her pet
parrot was sitting on an old alarm clock in her view. Her fellow
players had a term for this which sounds like what has been so
prevalent in this year's election campaign. What was that description?
Underhanded Polly Ticks (Stan Kegel)
A lady at work was commenting that she works on the shipping dock,
receiving and stockroom depending on where she's needed. So I told her
I guessed that if she had a day where she only worked receiving and
stockroom that would be a?
Dock Holiday (Clynch Varnadore)
What composer's music do you play to put a baby to sleep?
Rock 'm on 'n' off (Alex Ramirez)
The detainees held at "Yahoo Groop" prison are served only a meager
ration of a tepid and tasteless broth. Adding insult to injury, the TV
in their cell block picks only one station, the 24-hour O.Henry
wordplay channel. Does this constitute torture? What's going on here?
Gruel And Unusual Punishment (Gary Hallock)
The Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art recently had an exhibit by the
1930âs artist Juan Pinyon. Pinyonâs rather eclectic work consisted of a
celebration of the machine age and modern manufacturing, and showed
small paintings and photographs of American workers and factories and
industrial processes framed in cogs and, most appropriately, pinions.
The title of his exhibit echoed an old admonition. What was it?
Little pictures have big gears. (Lars Hanson)
My husband gave our infant some casaba and he has been crying all
night. I called the pediatrician and he told me I have ...
A melon colicy Baby (Stan Kegel)
A manufacturer of kitchen utensils produced a date-reminder for
distribution to its customers. In a throwback to a bygone era, this
handout featured one of the most comely female employees, wearing one
of the company's products and little else. What might she be called?
A Colander Girl (Bob Dvorak)
Why does a lung doctor have such an interest in the dark phase of the
lunar orb?
Heâs a new-moon-ologist (By Cynthia MacGregor)
Of what could you accuse a person who uses someone else's name when
promising money to a telethon?
Pledgerism (Gary Hallock)
I developed a problem with my colon and was taken to a specialist from
Havana. What was his specialty?
Castroenterology (By Stan Kegel)
On a recent occasion one of Donald Duck's wise-ass nephews tried to
pass himself off as a famous TV journalist by exposing his soft
feathery butt to a TV news camera crew. Painted upon his plush derriere
was a color chart. Who was he impersonating?
Hue(y) Downs(Gary Hallock)
What color will you find the former Soviet Union on most maps? Chart
Russ (By Stan Kegel)
Whatâs the difference between in internal tax on commodities and a
really large hatchet for cutting down trees?
One is an excise tax, the other is a Tex-sized axe. (By Clynch
Varnadore)
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********************************************
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THE ONE-LINERS
Not many people know that Arthur Miller wrote a sequel to Death of a
Salesman. Naturally it covers his early years when Willy was just
starting out his career. It's called Loman on the totem pole. (Gary
Hallock)
The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning
Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it to have the inclination if
you don't have the time? (Gil Ross)
Mathematicians do not make good chefs as they fail to believe that not
all "pie are square." (Chalky)
When clouds formed over the open-air theater, the actor said, "It's
over cast" (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
While in the Middle East I bought an ink pen. I can't get it to work
though. I just don't understand Arab Bic. (SGT Snorkel)
You won't find me working as a roofer's assistant, because I loathe the
thought of catching shingles. (Damian Krebs)
I entered a contest for the most prominent veins. I didn't win but I
came varicose. (Douglas Helsel)
On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but never
the present. (Joan DeGrave)
When he stepped in the mud, he had to soften his stance. (Pun of the
Day)
Juan lives in a small hut, in a small Mexican village and catches a few
fish daily to eat with his tortillas. Retire now in idyllic Mexico with
almost no money. And ... You too can live as cheaply as Juan. (Jim
Jaeger)
Four fashion models, all wearing Dior gowns, were sitting in a Citroen.
When asked what type of car it was, one girl replied, "It's a four Dior
job." (Robert Margolin)
What do you call an experimental monkey in a Cuiseinart?
Rhesus pieces. (Paul Cooper)
There are three stages to sex in a person's life: Tri Weekly, Try
Weekly, and Try Weakly. (Maxi Ma)
If you ever decide to kill someone, make sure you don't do yoga first.
That pre-meditation thing makes a big difference in a court of law.
(Mongoose & Milk)
When the funeral pyre broke and fell into the fire, it was referred to
as a bier bust. ("pun"jab)
Yogurt has a long whey to go before it becomes popular culture. (ali
leslie)
I don't think my mother ever really loved me. She and my dad were both
professional wrestlers, and I was born out of headlock. (Daily Groaner)
I swear I'll quit my job here at the Nestle factory if my rah-rah
supervisor tries one more time to motivate us by yelling, "C'mon guys,
it's Crunch time!" (Brad Simanek)
A student in a science class wrote, "The universe is a giant orgasm"
(instead of organism). At the end of the student's essay, the teacher
riposted, "Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory."
(Lucetta Myers)
A police captain, regarded as something of an egghead by subordinates,
was shown two sets of fingerprints of a suspected robber. "These can't
belong to the same man," objected the captain. "They're whorls apart."
(Bennett Cerf)
If you have a strong compulsion to steal that pink stuff that soothes
your stomach, are you a Peptomaniac? (Alan Selk)
All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.
If you take care of your peonies, the dahlias will take care of
themselves. (Robert Margolin)
Inflation is creeping up. Yesterday I ordered a $25.00 steak in a
restaurant and told them to put it on my American Express card, And it
fit. (Kevin Rayner)
How many lawyers does it take to change a flat tire?
Three: One to call the tow truck on the cell phone, one to stir the
martinis, and one to take notes for the upcoming lawsuit against the
tire company. (Beckie Shiles)
The pupils were assigned the task of writing an essay titled "The Most
Beautiful Thing I Ever Saw". One of the students finished his essay in
less than a minute. He wrote,"The most beautiful thing I ever saw was
just too beautiful for words." (Humor Express)
My wife is a hypochondriac. Every day it's the same old song. Yada yada
yada. Blah blah blah. I've heard that malady before. (Tooter Day)
The world is divided into two kinds of people: those who have tattoos,
and those who are afraid of people with tattoos. (Anon.)
Willie Sutton to a girl in a singles bar "I'm in freelance banking.
And you?" (The Wit Wizard)
First they tell me to get a life. Then they put out an Amber Alert with
my license plate number. C'mon, people, make up your minds! (The
Covert Comic)
More fashion change can lead to less real change. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)
QUOTES
Entropy isn't what it used to be. (Owen K. Lorian)
Husband to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin',
cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work. (Joan DeGrave)
Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to
own one." - W. C. Fields
Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. (Maxi
Ma)
Don't settle for the one you can live with, wait for the one you can't
live without. (Anonymous)
Relationships don't last any more. When I meet a guy, the first
question I ask myself is, Is this the man I want my children to spend
every other weekend with? (Caboom)
Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
(Joanna) -
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around
and easily wrapped around the fingers of grand children.. (Joanna)
Gentlemen prefer bonds. (Andrew Mellon)
Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make a bed,
and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders. (Joan
DeGrave)
When the government puts teeth in the law, they aren't always wisdom
teeth. (Beckie Shiles)
Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things
they make it easier to do, don't need to be done. (Andy Rooney)
People who have difficulty remembering the slightest incidents usually
have no trouble recalling even the most incidental slights. (Mardy
Grothe)
If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a
thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag. (Joan DeGrave)
God gave you two ears and one mouth ... so you should listen twice as
much as you talk. - (Joanna)
Evil doers are in the eye of the beholder. (Stephen Kramer)
The desire to take medicine is one feature which distinguishes man, the
animal, from the rest of his fellow creatures. (Sir William Osler)
Always keep your successes in mind during moments of failure and your
past failures in mind during moments of success. (Mardy Grothe)
Does anyone ask rhetorical questions anymore? (Stan Kegel)
Never have children, only grandchildren. (Gore Vidal)
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his
client to plant vines. (Frank Lloyd Wright)
But remember what The Bible says: "To err is conservative; to forgive
is liberal." (Micheal Bass)
Fifty-five is the ideal age for a woman especially if she is 65.
(Beckie Shiles)
Some people have a hard time believing that all of those animals could
fit inside Noah's ark. But what amazes me is that Noah built the ark
without a single power tool. (Bill Jones)
My blood type is O positive and my pregnant wife's is O negative. Now
I'm no math whiz, but doesn't that mean our child will be bloodless?
(Allen Lindsey)
Of the seven dwarves, only Dopey had a shaven face. This should tell us
something about the custom of shaving. (Tom Robbins)
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons. (Douglas Adams)
PUNY CONUNDRUMS
What do you call drunken French artists who paint on gesso?
The plastered of Paris (By Gary Hallock)
Why are gymnasts such good friends in times of need.
Because they will bend over backwards to help you. (Stan Kegel)
Every Thanksgiving in my family we would all get together for a family
dinner. We were a large family but could only afford one turkey. The
children were all at a separate table, and would have to wait for the
platters to reach us after passing through the adults. Even though I
longed for some white meat, all too often the turkey would run out
before the platters reached us, and I would not even get dark meat. We
would have to settle for hot dogs. From that experience, I learned a
very valuable lesson in life. That lesson is captured in what saying?
Hope for the breast, but prepare for the wurst. (By Lars Hanson)
A certain location identified by a red square contains an edifice known
to be inhabited by spirits called?
Kremlins (Bob Dvorak)
What former world ruler was a proponent of Daylight Savings Time?
German Chancellor Konrad Add an hour (Adenauer), (Cynthia MacGregor)
We all know of aluminum foil and also that clear plastic stuff that
comes on rolls for packaging your food in order to keep it fresh. Well,
one of the companies that makes this stuff has decided to create
several brand names designed to appeal to folk who like to listen to
Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice and that sort of music. What are they calling
their clear plastic stuff?
Gangsta Wrap (Clynch Varnadore)
The Fish & Game Dept. banned fishermen from setting foot in several
trout streams, because it was upsetting their breeding program. What
legal precedent did they cite for this action?
Roe vs Wade (By Ken Pinkham)
If an escaped prisoner murdered your male cow with a large knife, who
should you call?
The con-stab-bull (Gary Hallock)
It is well known that athletes are very superstitous. If their luck has
changed and they're doing well, they make sure everything remains
constant, even wearing the same socks or underwear without washing for
days or even weeks at a time. This was true of one of the pitchers in
our Olympic Gold softball team who would not pitch unless her pet
parrot was sitting on an old alarm clock in her view. Her fellow
players had a term for this which sounds like what has been so
prevalent in this year's election campaign. What was that description?
Underhanded Polly Ticks (Stan Kegel)
A lady at work was commenting that she works on the shipping dock,
receiving and stockroom depending on where she's needed. So I told her
I guessed that if she had a day where she only worked receiving and
stockroom that would be a?
Dock Holiday (Clynch Varnadore)
What composer's music do you play to put a baby to sleep?
Rock 'm on 'n' off (Alex Ramirez)
The detainees held at "Yahoo Groop" prison are served only a meager
ration of a tepid and tasteless broth. Adding insult to injury, the TV
in their cell block picks only one station, the 24-hour O.Henry
wordplay channel. Does this constitute torture? What's going on here?
Gruel And Unusual Punishment (Gary Hallock)
The Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art recently had an exhibit by the
1930âs artist Juan Pinyon. Pinyonâs rather eclectic work consisted of a
celebration of the machine age and modern manufacturing, and showed
small paintings and photographs of American workers and factories and
industrial processes framed in cogs and, most appropriately, pinions.
The title of his exhibit echoed an old admonition. What was it?
Little pictures have big gears. (Lars Hanson)
My husband gave our infant some casaba and he has been crying all
night. I called the pediatrician and he told me I have ...
A melon colicy Baby (Stan Kegel)
A manufacturer of kitchen utensils produced a date-reminder for
distribution to its customers. In a throwback to a bygone era, this
handout featured one of the most comely female employees, wearing one
of the company's products and little else. What might she be called?
A Colander Girl (Bob Dvorak)
Why does a lung doctor have such an interest in the dark phase of the
lunar orb?
Heâs a new-moon-ologist (By Cynthia MacGregor)
Of what could you accuse a person who uses someone else's name when
promising money to a telethon?
Pledgerism (Gary Hallock)
I developed a problem with my colon and was taken to a specialist from
Havana. What was his specialty?
Castroenterology (By Stan Kegel)
On a recent occasion one of Donald Duck's wise-ass nephews tried to
pass himself off as a famous TV journalist by exposing his soft
feathery butt to a TV news camera crew. Painted upon his plush derriere
was a color chart. Who was he impersonating?
Hue(y) Downs(Gary Hallock)
What color will you find the former Soviet Union on most maps? Chart
Russ (By Stan Kegel)
Whatâs the difference between in internal tax on commodities and a
really large hatchet for cutting down trees?
One is an excise tax, the other is a Tex-sized axe. (By Clynch
Varnadore)
------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
$9.95 domain names from Yahoo!. Register anything.
http://us.click.yahoo.com/J8kdrA/y20IAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->
Jokes and Humor
********************************************
Life Story Writing
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Funny Quotes
Love Quotes
Famous Recipes
If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor
or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Yahoo! Groups Links
<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/
<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
arizona_humor-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
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