arizona humor Specialty Puns of the Weak 09-01-04
SPECIALTY PUNS OF THE WEAK 09-01-04
DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE
Beautician: A dyeing breed (Stan Kegel)
Inbred: The best way to eat salami. (Lexicon)
Macadam: The prototype Apple computer. (Tom Witte)
Baseball Bat: Fly swatter. (The Comedy Vault)
Admiration: used by backpackers when pooling resources as in, "How much
do we have when you ADMIRATION?" (Douglas Drill)
Sherbet: Wager all you have. It's a SHERBET. (Stan Kegel)
Bach Chorale : The place behind the barn where you keep the horses.
(Stan Kegel)
Income: what you have to make first, because you can't make it last.
(Lexicon)
Petard: Something that slows the progress of animal rights. (Russell
Beland)
Mop And Glow: Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
(Douglas Helsel)
Alienate: a science fiction term as in, "What happened when the
ALIENATE those people?" (Douglas Drill)
Sherbet: Wager all you have. It's a SHERBET. (Stan Kegel)
Incongruous: Where the hot air in the U. S. is produced. (Lexicon)
Biased: Having two bottoms (Willie Meikle)
Post Offices: Governmental stamping grounds. (The Comedy Vault)
Formally: "Today she's a millionaire, but formally she tried to make a
living as an English teacher." (Richard Lederer)
Benefactor: "That little hop might have BENEFACTOR in her losing the
gold." (Stan Kegel)
Dilate: Statistics show that many people DILATE at night in their
sleep. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Hematologist: The opposite of a urologist, he's a doctor who pricks
your finger. (Lexicon)
Builder: Asked her for payment (Paul Pence)
Gossip: Someone who suffers from acute indescretion. (Don & Sara
Probasco)
Traveler's Check: Airport security. (Sandy Sibert)
Pain: "I'm tired of pain these high prices." (Richard Lederer)
Elapse: "He is so fast that I wouldn't be surprised if ELAPSE the
field." (Stan Kegel)
Unless: More (UGA)
Depression: The period when you can't spend the money that you don't
have. (Don & Sara Probasco)
Tadpole: Warsaw youth (Sandy Sibert)
Granite:. "Too many people take the good life for GRANITE." (Richard
Lederer)
Buddhah: The fans BUDDHAH long time after he made that error that let
in the winning run." (Stan Kegel)
POETRY
When you swim in the sea
and an eel bites your knee;
that's a moray.
(Spider Robinson)
A New Zealander man,
With a permanent tan,
That's a Maori
(Keith Martin)
When two patterns combine,
in a way serpentine;
that's a moire.
(Spider Robinson)
A politician who thinks,
That the'Labor Party stinks,
That's a Tory!
(Keith Merritt)
He tells jokes; he's a ham;
his last name's Amsterdam;
that's a Morey.
(Spider Robinson)
If "King Kong" had gone flat,
Rent the flick "Vampire Bat";
That's some more Wray.
(Spider Robinson)
On a train is a new piece of gear
That improves the ability to hear.
It's an aural device
That performs so darn nice
It's been given the name "Engineer Ear."
(Kirk Miller)
Some gard'ners when plagued by a fowl,
Say bad words to birds and they growl
But I am too kind
Such birds always find
I'm likely to throw in the trowel
(Gary Hallock)
'Come, lettuce get married,' said Arti.
'Will you celery keep two?' asked she.
'With carrot will do and I think, dear,
something better will turnip,' said he.
So off to old Pars'n Ipps cottage Onion road,
the wedding to stage,
they spud, and it took but a second
in his modern taxi-cabbabe.
But you can't beet a taxicab meter;
Appeasing the bill left him broke,
Caused a lump to sprout in his thorax
And nearly made poor artichoke.
However, they weren't Cress fallen;
To the house on the corner they went.
Woke the Pars'nip up from slumber,
On the greensward held the event.
And that is the endive my story
For there isn't much room left to write.
(Syman Hirsch)
TOM SWIFTIES, CROCKERS AND WELLERISMS
"Are you sure you're 21?" asked black Jack. (Gary Hallock)
"I don't see too many flightless birds," Tom said furiously. (Michael
Hamm)
"My former wife assaulted me at the funeral, so I beat her up," Tom
expounded. (Jason Dias)
"Now I have the tools to chop down that tree," said Tom with a heavy
accent. (Fun With Words)
"And thus we bury him. Requiescat in pace," Tom said interestingly.
(Michael Hamm)
"I wasn't just a little bit late," Tom related. (Jason Dias)
"My parents are called Billy and Nanny," Tom kidded. (Think.com)
"Don't ever leave my kid alone with Uncle Lester," the baby's mother
insisted. (Gary Hallock)
"You'll never conquer me," Goliath said stonily. (Asa Sparks)â¢
"I think as a Congressman I'm entitled to free mail," said Tom frankly.
(Bob Dvorak)
"I think as a congressman I'm entitled to free male," said Tom gaily.
(Jason Dias)
"These are my parents," said Einstein relatively (Stan Kegel)
"Then the goat attacked the bull," Tom butted in. (Jason Dias)
âA man's home is his castle,â said Tom in a manor of speaking. (Stan
Kegel)
"I worship the number 3.1415927," said Faith piously. (Champion)
MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS
Auto Racing: Five years to the day after a near-fatal accident, Ernie
Irvan is hurt again in a practice crash at Michigan Speedway. (Richard
Lederer)
"Romeo and Juliet were so in love. One night they secretly exchanged
vowels..." (Juel Goldstock)
"Oedipus killed his real father, then married his real mother.
That's called incense..." (Juel Goldstock)
"It's hard to imagine, but someday I'll be a mother. First, I'll get
pregnant; then, I'll spend nine months in hard labor..." (Juel
Goldstock)
Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some
deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS
Spotted at the railway station: Passengers are asked not to cross the
lines - it takes ages for us to uncross them again.
Ad: Full service Racquet Club with sex tennis courts including two
lighted tennis courts. (Stephen Mesi/Steve Harvey)
Traffic sign: Parking restricted to 60 minutes in any hour.
Spotted in a Blackpool guest house: Hot and cold running in all rooms.
Spotted in a golf club: Golfers please do not drink and drive.
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
Why can your nose run and your feet smell? (Richard Lederer)
Why do privates eat in the general mess and generals eat in the private
mess? (Richard Lederer)
Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride
bikes called cyclists? (Richard Lederer)
Why do they call those food servers waiters, when it's the customers
who do the waiting? (Richard Lederer)
Why do we call it newsprint when it contains no printing but when we
put print on it, we call it a newspaper? (Richard Lederer)
Did you hear that the school system demanded a PC version of the Harper
Lee novel?
Tickle a Mockingbird. (Wayne Rodgers)
Who was the model for the Mona Lisa?
The Da Vinci Coed (Andy Bassett)
How did Alexandra ask Nicholas for a night of kinky sex?
Wear the Wild Thing, Czar (Chris Doyle)
"Outdoor Advertising" by Bill Board (Stan Kegel)
"Neither Borrower" by Nora Lender Bee (Laurie Ann Poole)
"Personal House Construction" by Bill Jerome Home (Laurie Ann Poole)
"Marrying Young" by Robin D. Cradle (Stan Kegel)
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DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE
Beautician: A dyeing breed (Stan Kegel)
Inbred: The best way to eat salami. (Lexicon)
Macadam: The prototype Apple computer. (Tom Witte)
Baseball Bat: Fly swatter. (The Comedy Vault)
Admiration: used by backpackers when pooling resources as in, "How much
do we have when you ADMIRATION?" (Douglas Drill)
Sherbet: Wager all you have. It's a SHERBET. (Stan Kegel)
Bach Chorale : The place behind the barn where you keep the horses.
(Stan Kegel)
Income: what you have to make first, because you can't make it last.
(Lexicon)
Petard: Something that slows the progress of animal rights. (Russell
Beland)
Mop And Glow: Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
(Douglas Helsel)
Alienate: a science fiction term as in, "What happened when the
ALIENATE those people?" (Douglas Drill)
Sherbet: Wager all you have. It's a SHERBET. (Stan Kegel)
Incongruous: Where the hot air in the U. S. is produced. (Lexicon)
Biased: Having two bottoms (Willie Meikle)
Post Offices: Governmental stamping grounds. (The Comedy Vault)
Formally: "Today she's a millionaire, but formally she tried to make a
living as an English teacher." (Richard Lederer)
Benefactor: "That little hop might have BENEFACTOR in her losing the
gold." (Stan Kegel)
Dilate: Statistics show that many people DILATE at night in their
sleep. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Hematologist: The opposite of a urologist, he's a doctor who pricks
your finger. (Lexicon)
Builder: Asked her for payment (Paul Pence)
Gossip: Someone who suffers from acute indescretion. (Don & Sara
Probasco)
Traveler's Check: Airport security. (Sandy Sibert)
Pain: "I'm tired of pain these high prices." (Richard Lederer)
Elapse: "He is so fast that I wouldn't be surprised if ELAPSE the
field." (Stan Kegel)
Unless: More (UGA)
Depression: The period when you can't spend the money that you don't
have. (Don & Sara Probasco)
Tadpole: Warsaw youth (Sandy Sibert)
Granite:. "Too many people take the good life for GRANITE." (Richard
Lederer)
Buddhah: The fans BUDDHAH long time after he made that error that let
in the winning run." (Stan Kegel)
POETRY
When you swim in the sea
and an eel bites your knee;
that's a moray.
(Spider Robinson)
A New Zealander man,
With a permanent tan,
That's a Maori
(Keith Martin)
When two patterns combine,
in a way serpentine;
that's a moire.
(Spider Robinson)
A politician who thinks,
That the'Labor Party stinks,
That's a Tory!
(Keith Merritt)
He tells jokes; he's a ham;
his last name's Amsterdam;
that's a Morey.
(Spider Robinson)
If "King Kong" had gone flat,
Rent the flick "Vampire Bat";
That's some more Wray.
(Spider Robinson)
On a train is a new piece of gear
That improves the ability to hear.
It's an aural device
That performs so darn nice
It's been given the name "Engineer Ear."
(Kirk Miller)
Some gard'ners when plagued by a fowl,
Say bad words to birds and they growl
But I am too kind
Such birds always find
I'm likely to throw in the trowel
(Gary Hallock)
'Come, lettuce get married,' said Arti.
'Will you celery keep two?' asked she.
'With carrot will do and I think, dear,
something better will turnip,' said he.
So off to old Pars'n Ipps cottage Onion road,
the wedding to stage,
they spud, and it took but a second
in his modern taxi-cabbabe.
But you can't beet a taxicab meter;
Appeasing the bill left him broke,
Caused a lump to sprout in his thorax
And nearly made poor artichoke.
However, they weren't Cress fallen;
To the house on the corner they went.
Woke the Pars'nip up from slumber,
On the greensward held the event.
And that is the endive my story
For there isn't much room left to write.
(Syman Hirsch)
TOM SWIFTIES, CROCKERS AND WELLERISMS
"Are you sure you're 21?" asked black Jack. (Gary Hallock)
"I don't see too many flightless birds," Tom said furiously. (Michael
Hamm)
"My former wife assaulted me at the funeral, so I beat her up," Tom
expounded. (Jason Dias)
"Now I have the tools to chop down that tree," said Tom with a heavy
accent. (Fun With Words)
"And thus we bury him. Requiescat in pace," Tom said interestingly.
(Michael Hamm)
"I wasn't just a little bit late," Tom related. (Jason Dias)
"My parents are called Billy and Nanny," Tom kidded. (Think.com)
"Don't ever leave my kid alone with Uncle Lester," the baby's mother
insisted. (Gary Hallock)
"You'll never conquer me," Goliath said stonily. (Asa Sparks)â¢
"I think as a Congressman I'm entitled to free mail," said Tom frankly.
(Bob Dvorak)
"I think as a congressman I'm entitled to free male," said Tom gaily.
(Jason Dias)
"These are my parents," said Einstein relatively (Stan Kegel)
"Then the goat attacked the bull," Tom butted in. (Jason Dias)
âA man's home is his castle,â said Tom in a manor of speaking. (Stan
Kegel)
"I worship the number 3.1415927," said Faith piously. (Champion)
MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS
Auto Racing: Five years to the day after a near-fatal accident, Ernie
Irvan is hurt again in a practice crash at Michigan Speedway. (Richard
Lederer)
"Romeo and Juliet were so in love. One night they secretly exchanged
vowels..." (Juel Goldstock)
"Oedipus killed his real father, then married his real mother.
That's called incense..." (Juel Goldstock)
"It's hard to imagine, but someday I'll be a mother. First, I'll get
pregnant; then, I'll spend nine months in hard labor..." (Juel
Goldstock)
Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some
deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS
Spotted at the railway station: Passengers are asked not to cross the
lines - it takes ages for us to uncross them again.
Ad: Full service Racquet Club with sex tennis courts including two
lighted tennis courts. (Stephen Mesi/Steve Harvey)
Traffic sign: Parking restricted to 60 minutes in any hour.
Spotted in a Blackpool guest house: Hot and cold running in all rooms.
Spotted in a golf club: Golfers please do not drink and drive.
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
Why can your nose run and your feet smell? (Richard Lederer)
Why do privates eat in the general mess and generals eat in the private
mess? (Richard Lederer)
Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride
bikes called cyclists? (Richard Lederer)
Why do they call those food servers waiters, when it's the customers
who do the waiting? (Richard Lederer)
Why do we call it newsprint when it contains no printing but when we
put print on it, we call it a newspaper? (Richard Lederer)
Did you hear that the school system demanded a PC version of the Harper
Lee novel?
Tickle a Mockingbird. (Wayne Rodgers)
Who was the model for the Mona Lisa?
The Da Vinci Coed (Andy Bassett)
How did Alexandra ask Nicholas for a night of kinky sex?
Wear the Wild Thing, Czar (Chris Doyle)
"Outdoor Advertising" by Bill Board (Stan Kegel)
"Neither Borrower" by Nora Lender Bee (Laurie Ann Poole)
"Personal House Construction" by Bill Jerome Home (Laurie Ann Poole)
"Marrying Young" by Robin D. Cradle (Stan Kegel)
------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
$9.95 domain names from Yahoo!. Register anything.
http://us.click.yahoo.com/J8kdrA/y20IAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->
Jokes and Humor
********************************************
Life Story Writing
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Funny Quotes
Love Quotes
Famous Recipes
If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor
or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Yahoo! Groups Links
<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/
<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
arizona_humor-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
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