arizona humor Specialty Puns of the Weak 09-15-04
SPECIALTY PUNS OF THE WEAK 09-15-04
DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE
Pole Vault: Where Santa keeps the presents on December 23rd. (Comedy
Vault)
Indecision: Under the whether (Stan Kegel)
Alphabet: The most aggressive wager on the table (William Safire)
Psychologist: A person that pulls habits out of rats (Leslie Ann Poole)
Disconnect: Made out in a dance club. (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte
Observer)
Par: The hole number. (Comedy Vault)
Address: A gown with a corporate logo. (Joseph Leff)
Observatory: What Washington asked his spies to do (Stan Kegel)
Defibrillator: lie detector (William Safire)
Ostracize: About as big as a large flightless bird. (Doug Robarchek,
Charlotte Observer)
Page: Knight workman. (Comedy Vault)
Admissions: Increase military sorties. (Joseph Leff)
Vanguard: A person who protects trucks (Stan Kegel)
Hangnail: The one your portrait depends on (Jason Dias)
Saxophone: An ill wind nobody blows good. (Leslie Ann Poole)
Performing Arts: Garfunkel, Linkletter and Carney. (Comedy Vault)
Exit: The person who's just tagged someone. (Russell Beland)
Subsidy: A town underneath another town (Stan Kegel)
Forestalls: Where two pairs of horses are kept.: (Joseph Leff)
Herring: "When they broke up, she gave him HERRING back" (Stan Kegel)
Bandolier: The barbarians saw the women and turned into a BANDOLIER.
(Bob Dvorak)
Aisle: "AISLE take you home again Kathleen." (Douglas Drill)
Ketchup: What the runners behind in a race want to do (Stan Kegel)
Permanent Location: Beauty parlor. (Comedy Vault)
Founder: The successful result of seeking her.: (Joseph Leff)
Baseball Bat: Fly swatter. (The Comedy Vault)
Gobi and Sahara: Just Deserts. (Wordfoolery)
Freeze: "Letting the kids watch Seseme Streeet FREEZE me to get dinner
ready." (Stan Kegel)
Forest: "When we get to the river, we will stop FOREST and snacks."
(Stan Kegel)
Broken: Yo, BROKEN you tell me which way to the concert? (Cynthia
MacGregor)
Abbot: a well-known phrase, as in, "I wouldn't ABBOT any other way."
(Douglas Drill)
Shamrock: In the movies, when you see the hero lift a huge boulder you
know they used a SHAMROCK. (Stan Kegel)
Broken: Yo, BROKEN you tell me which way to the concert? (Cynthia
MacGregor)
Abbot: a well-known phrase, as in, "I wouldn't ABBOT any other way."
(Douglas Drill)
Bacon: "I'm BACON a cake for the pot luck dinner?" (Stan Kegel)
Barroom: My neighbor's new motorcycle goes BARROOM loudly when he
starts it up. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Flammable: The matador waved his cape to FLAMMABLE. (Bob Dvorak)
Antimony: "I may be against working but I ain't ANTIMONY.â (Douglas
Drill)
POETRY
Some men smile in the evening.
Some men smile at dawn.
But the man worthwhile
Is the man who can smile
When his two front teeth are gone.
(Don & Sara Probasco)
When you by-pass the ram
To get to the lamb
That's amore
(Stan Kegel)
When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That's our mores.
(Robert Taxon)
Watching Zorro run through
all the bad guys then you
learn some swordplay.
(Rusty Smith)
When Othello's poor wife
She gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, ehy?
(Robert Taxon)
Ponce de Leon sought the Fountain of Youth,
Looked near Miami -- not much of a sleuth.
(Chris Doyle,)
Sailing all around the world, Magellan gained a day.
It wasn't very useful, though: He died along the way.
(Russell Beland)
Though Jefferson professed all men are equal at creation,
The only way he showed it was covert miscegenation.
(Steve Fahey)
Abe Lincoln was shot on a fateful spring day.
His wife never said what she thought of the play.
(Jon Reiser)
Dubya barely edged out Gore;
The final vote was 5 to 4.
(Brendan Beary)
Physicist fellow
Adored nanoscience girl
Kept his ion her
(Guy Ben-Moshe)
Cool as cucumber
Attitude that can leave you
Left in a pickle
(Guy Ben-Moshe)
TOM SWIFTIES, CROCKERS AND WELLERISMS
"Have you ever been whitewater rafting?" Tom asked rapidly. (Think.com)
"Although I say acerbic things to acids, I would never tell a lye," Tom
said caustically. "That would be base." (R. Godfrey)
"I think I'll make this statue look more like the Venus de Milo," Tom
said disarmingly. (Simon Champion)
"I've deduced that this is the right way," said Tom pathologically.
(Think.com)
"I think I'll make this statue look more like the Venus de Milo," Tom
said disarmingly. (Simon Champion)
"I love that shade of color," said Hugh brightly. (Stan Kegel)
"I'm going to find that girl and arrest her," said Tom, laboring under
a misapprehension. (Stan Kegel)
"Now that's sloppy embroidery," Tom needled cruelly. (Gill Krebs)
"I suppose I'll have to write my name again." said Tom resignedly.
(Think.com)
"I've mixed up my gloves," Tom said intermittently. (Think.com)
"That young insect is male," said Tom buoyantly (Gill Krebs).
"I'm just going to put these handcuffs on you," said Tom manically.
(Think.com)
"Pretend we were in the days before railways," Tom coached. (Gill Krebs)
MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS
"Margaret Sanger was a lady that due to the invention of the car
tried to prohibit birth control..." (Juel Goldstock)
The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to
bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Meat and
drinks will be furnished. (Tim Davis)
The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse. (Tim Davis)
I know where babies come from. Women produce the eggs and man produces
the spam..." (Juel Goldstock)
At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the
wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."
"They always were poor but, now, thanks to the Bush Administration,
they're in deep puberty..." (Juel Goldstock)
Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp. We have a
Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running
order. (Tim Davis)
"Oedipus killed his real father, then married his real mother.
That's called incense..." (Juel Goldstock)
Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this
lay ministry program. It requires a minimal amount of training and
time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200
hours each Tuesday night. (Tim Davis)
"King John signed the Carta Blanca..." (Juel Goldstock)
TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS
Tired Of Working For Only $9.75 Per Hour? We Offer Profit Sharing And
Flexible Hours. Starting Pay: $7 - $9 Per Hour. (Douglas Helsel)
Microwave Oven: Do not use for drying pets. (Carin Lamberson)
Mattie's Restaurant and Yogurt Palace, "An alternative to Good Eating"
(Restaurant Business Card from Decatur, Texas)
Cows, Calves Never Bred... Also 1 Gay Bull For Sale. (Douglas Helsel)
Toilet Bowl Cleaning Brush ad: Do not use orally. (Carin Lamberson)
Hotel Lobby, Bucharest: "The Lift Is Being Fixed For The Next Day.
During That Time We Regret That You Will Be Unbearable." (Richard
Lederer)
In A Tokyo Bar: "Special Cocktails For The Ladies With Nuts." (Richard
Lederer)
Snow Blower For Sale...Only Used On Snowy Days. (Douglas Helsel)
Battery:Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use. (Carin Lamberson)
Man Having Hard Time After Viagra Overdose (Stephen Kramer)
German Shephard. 85 Lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free. (Douglas
Helsel)
Long-Winded Man Proposing Toast Burns It (Stephen Kramer)
Tourist Agency, Czechoslovakia: "Take One Of Our Horse-Driven City
Tours. We Guarantee No Miscarriages." (Richard Lederer)
Toilet Bowl Cleaning Brush: Do not use orally. (Carin Lamberson)
From The "Soviet Weekly": "There Will Be A Moscow Exhibition Of Arts By
15,000 Soviet Republic Painters And Sculptors. These Were Executed Over
The Past Two Years." (Richard Lederer)
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
A: Stepford Wives
Q: What does the 38th president call his stepson's spouses? (Gary
Hallock)
A: Booze hound
Q: What does a drunken heckler at the dog races do? (Gary Hallock)
A: Permit
Q: In what do you catch the sound a cat makes? (Cynthia MacGregor)
Deja poo: The feeling I've stepped in this before. (Uncle George)
Deja flu: The feeling I've been this sick before. (Uncle George)
Deja clue: The feeling that I've read this mystery book before. (Uncle
George)
Deja view: The feeling I've seen this scenery before. (Uncle George)
Deja pew: The feeling I've sat through this sermon before. (Uncle
George)
The buck does odd things when the does are in heat. (Felicia Lamport)
"Only one this time," she said, "not a large number, but after awhile
the mind tends to grow number." (Felicia Lamport)
She wished she could desert him in the desert (Felicia Lamport)
A hand reaching up from a manhole wielding a threaded needle. It's the
first time I ever came upon a sewer in a sewer. (Felicia Lamport)
The last economist I tried it on got his wind up before I'd even had a
chance to wind up, (Felicia Lamport)
Seashells fazed Adam since childhood--do you think he should consult
Jake Black, Your Shrink? (Cynthia MacGregor)
Author who supported himself with stitchery till fame found him:
Ernest Hemming Way (Cynthia MacGregor)
What do you get when you leave the top down on your Plymouth during a
storm on the Puget?
The Sound in the Fury. (Russ Beland)
Daughter of Cassius Clay admits her true gender:
June, Ali's son (Gill Krebs)
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the
ladder company. (Dobhran)
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DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE
Pole Vault: Where Santa keeps the presents on December 23rd. (Comedy
Vault)
Indecision: Under the whether (Stan Kegel)
Alphabet: The most aggressive wager on the table (William Safire)
Psychologist: A person that pulls habits out of rats (Leslie Ann Poole)
Disconnect: Made out in a dance club. (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte
Observer)
Par: The hole number. (Comedy Vault)
Address: A gown with a corporate logo. (Joseph Leff)
Observatory: What Washington asked his spies to do (Stan Kegel)
Defibrillator: lie detector (William Safire)
Ostracize: About as big as a large flightless bird. (Doug Robarchek,
Charlotte Observer)
Page: Knight workman. (Comedy Vault)
Admissions: Increase military sorties. (Joseph Leff)
Vanguard: A person who protects trucks (Stan Kegel)
Hangnail: The one your portrait depends on (Jason Dias)
Saxophone: An ill wind nobody blows good. (Leslie Ann Poole)
Performing Arts: Garfunkel, Linkletter and Carney. (Comedy Vault)
Exit: The person who's just tagged someone. (Russell Beland)
Subsidy: A town underneath another town (Stan Kegel)
Forestalls: Where two pairs of horses are kept.: (Joseph Leff)
Herring: "When they broke up, she gave him HERRING back" (Stan Kegel)
Bandolier: The barbarians saw the women and turned into a BANDOLIER.
(Bob Dvorak)
Aisle: "AISLE take you home again Kathleen." (Douglas Drill)
Ketchup: What the runners behind in a race want to do (Stan Kegel)
Permanent Location: Beauty parlor. (Comedy Vault)
Founder: The successful result of seeking her.: (Joseph Leff)
Baseball Bat: Fly swatter. (The Comedy Vault)
Gobi and Sahara: Just Deserts. (Wordfoolery)
Freeze: "Letting the kids watch Seseme Streeet FREEZE me to get dinner
ready." (Stan Kegel)
Forest: "When we get to the river, we will stop FOREST and snacks."
(Stan Kegel)
Broken: Yo, BROKEN you tell me which way to the concert? (Cynthia
MacGregor)
Abbot: a well-known phrase, as in, "I wouldn't ABBOT any other way."
(Douglas Drill)
Shamrock: In the movies, when you see the hero lift a huge boulder you
know they used a SHAMROCK. (Stan Kegel)
Broken: Yo, BROKEN you tell me which way to the concert? (Cynthia
MacGregor)
Abbot: a well-known phrase, as in, "I wouldn't ABBOT any other way."
(Douglas Drill)
Bacon: "I'm BACON a cake for the pot luck dinner?" (Stan Kegel)
Barroom: My neighbor's new motorcycle goes BARROOM loudly when he
starts it up. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Flammable: The matador waved his cape to FLAMMABLE. (Bob Dvorak)
Antimony: "I may be against working but I ain't ANTIMONY.â (Douglas
Drill)
POETRY
Some men smile in the evening.
Some men smile at dawn.
But the man worthwhile
Is the man who can smile
When his two front teeth are gone.
(Don & Sara Probasco)
When you by-pass the ram
To get to the lamb
That's amore
(Stan Kegel)
When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That's our mores.
(Robert Taxon)
Watching Zorro run through
all the bad guys then you
learn some swordplay.
(Rusty Smith)
When Othello's poor wife
She gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, ehy?
(Robert Taxon)
Ponce de Leon sought the Fountain of Youth,
Looked near Miami -- not much of a sleuth.
(Chris Doyle,)
Sailing all around the world, Magellan gained a day.
It wasn't very useful, though: He died along the way.
(Russell Beland)
Though Jefferson professed all men are equal at creation,
The only way he showed it was covert miscegenation.
(Steve Fahey)
Abe Lincoln was shot on a fateful spring day.
His wife never said what she thought of the play.
(Jon Reiser)
Dubya barely edged out Gore;
The final vote was 5 to 4.
(Brendan Beary)
Physicist fellow
Adored nanoscience girl
Kept his ion her
(Guy Ben-Moshe)
Cool as cucumber
Attitude that can leave you
Left in a pickle
(Guy Ben-Moshe)
TOM SWIFTIES, CROCKERS AND WELLERISMS
"Have you ever been whitewater rafting?" Tom asked rapidly. (Think.com)
"Although I say acerbic things to acids, I would never tell a lye," Tom
said caustically. "That would be base." (R. Godfrey)
"I think I'll make this statue look more like the Venus de Milo," Tom
said disarmingly. (Simon Champion)
"I've deduced that this is the right way," said Tom pathologically.
(Think.com)
"I think I'll make this statue look more like the Venus de Milo," Tom
said disarmingly. (Simon Champion)
"I love that shade of color," said Hugh brightly. (Stan Kegel)
"I'm going to find that girl and arrest her," said Tom, laboring under
a misapprehension. (Stan Kegel)
"Now that's sloppy embroidery," Tom needled cruelly. (Gill Krebs)
"I suppose I'll have to write my name again." said Tom resignedly.
(Think.com)
"I've mixed up my gloves," Tom said intermittently. (Think.com)
"That young insect is male," said Tom buoyantly (Gill Krebs).
"I'm just going to put these handcuffs on you," said Tom manically.
(Think.com)
"Pretend we were in the days before railways," Tom coached. (Gill Krebs)
MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS
"Margaret Sanger was a lady that due to the invention of the car
tried to prohibit birth control..." (Juel Goldstock)
The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to
bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Meat and
drinks will be furnished. (Tim Davis)
The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse. (Tim Davis)
I know where babies come from. Women produce the eggs and man produces
the spam..." (Juel Goldstock)
At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the
wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."
"They always were poor but, now, thanks to the Bush Administration,
they're in deep puberty..." (Juel Goldstock)
Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp. We have a
Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running
order. (Tim Davis)
"Oedipus killed his real father, then married his real mother.
That's called incense..." (Juel Goldstock)
Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this
lay ministry program. It requires a minimal amount of training and
time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200
hours each Tuesday night. (Tim Davis)
"King John signed the Carta Blanca..." (Juel Goldstock)
TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS
Tired Of Working For Only $9.75 Per Hour? We Offer Profit Sharing And
Flexible Hours. Starting Pay: $7 - $9 Per Hour. (Douglas Helsel)
Microwave Oven: Do not use for drying pets. (Carin Lamberson)
Mattie's Restaurant and Yogurt Palace, "An alternative to Good Eating"
(Restaurant Business Card from Decatur, Texas)
Cows, Calves Never Bred... Also 1 Gay Bull For Sale. (Douglas Helsel)
Toilet Bowl Cleaning Brush ad: Do not use orally. (Carin Lamberson)
Hotel Lobby, Bucharest: "The Lift Is Being Fixed For The Next Day.
During That Time We Regret That You Will Be Unbearable." (Richard
Lederer)
In A Tokyo Bar: "Special Cocktails For The Ladies With Nuts." (Richard
Lederer)
Snow Blower For Sale...Only Used On Snowy Days. (Douglas Helsel)
Battery:Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use. (Carin Lamberson)
Man Having Hard Time After Viagra Overdose (Stephen Kramer)
German Shephard. 85 Lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free. (Douglas
Helsel)
Long-Winded Man Proposing Toast Burns It (Stephen Kramer)
Tourist Agency, Czechoslovakia: "Take One Of Our Horse-Driven City
Tours. We Guarantee No Miscarriages." (Richard Lederer)
Toilet Bowl Cleaning Brush: Do not use orally. (Carin Lamberson)
From The "Soviet Weekly": "There Will Be A Moscow Exhibition Of Arts By
15,000 Soviet Republic Painters And Sculptors. These Were Executed Over
The Past Two Years." (Richard Lederer)
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
A: Stepford Wives
Q: What does the 38th president call his stepson's spouses? (Gary
Hallock)
A: Booze hound
Q: What does a drunken heckler at the dog races do? (Gary Hallock)
A: Permit
Q: In what do you catch the sound a cat makes? (Cynthia MacGregor)
Deja poo: The feeling I've stepped in this before. (Uncle George)
Deja flu: The feeling I've been this sick before. (Uncle George)
Deja clue: The feeling that I've read this mystery book before. (Uncle
George)
Deja view: The feeling I've seen this scenery before. (Uncle George)
Deja pew: The feeling I've sat through this sermon before. (Uncle
George)
The buck does odd things when the does are in heat. (Felicia Lamport)
"Only one this time," she said, "not a large number, but after awhile
the mind tends to grow number." (Felicia Lamport)
She wished she could desert him in the desert (Felicia Lamport)
A hand reaching up from a manhole wielding a threaded needle. It's the
first time I ever came upon a sewer in a sewer. (Felicia Lamport)
The last economist I tried it on got his wind up before I'd even had a
chance to wind up, (Felicia Lamport)
Seashells fazed Adam since childhood--do you think he should consult
Jake Black, Your Shrink? (Cynthia MacGregor)
Author who supported himself with stitchery till fame found him:
Ernest Hemming Way (Cynthia MacGregor)
What do you get when you leave the top down on your Plymouth during a
storm on the Puget?
The Sound in the Fury. (Russ Beland)
Daughter of Cassius Clay admits her true gender:
June, Ali's son (Gill Krebs)
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the
ladder company. (Dobhran)
------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
Make a clean sweep of pop-up ads. Yahoo! Companion Toolbar.
Now with Pop-Up Blocker. Get it for free!
http://us.click.yahoo.com/L5YrjA/eSIIAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->
Jokes and Humor
********************************************
Life Story Writing
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Funny Quotes
Love Quotes
Famous Recipes
If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor
or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Yahoo! Groups Links
<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/
<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
arizona_humor-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
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