arizona humor Specialty Puns of the Weak 09-22-04
SPECIALTY PUNS OF THE WEAK 09-22-04
DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE
Pimp: Piece negotiator. (Comedy Vault)
Gambling: An ankle bracelet (Jerry Pannullo)
Hypochondriac: A woman who wonât let well enough alone
Supervisor: Really nice hatless brim (Jason Dias)
Inbred: The best way to eat salami. (Lexicon)
Forum: "He worked hard for that promotion so I'm very happy FORUM."
(Stan Kegel)
Garden: "Watch out, Louie. There's a GARDEN the corridor." (Doug Drill)
Photo Finish: Matté. (Comedy Vault)
Scrotum: Malebag (Stan Kegel)
Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words (Leslie Ann Poole)
Hematologist: The opposite of a urologist, he's a doctor who pricks
your finger. (Lexicon)
Funnel: "After the wedding, your FUNNEL cease." (Stan Kegel)
Gentle: "This here GENTLE show you to the bathroom, Miss Snidely."
(Doug Drill)
Infest: A West Virginia wedding reception. (Ned Bent)
Washable: What a cowboy should do very carefully (Stan Kegel)
Approbation: Fear of early release from prison (William Safire)
Incongruous: Where the hot air in the U. S. is produced. (Lexicon)
Forage: "Beauty be FORAGE." (Stan Kegel)
Gallop: "It's nearly five a.m. You'd better wake that little GALLOP
(Doug Drill)
Procession: Time with a tennis teacher. (Sandy Sibert)
Polynomiial: A fasting parrot (James Ertner )
Abut: A rear end or the end of a cigarette. (Stan Kegel)
Helmit: Satan's glove. (Tim Bruening)
Boisterous: "They may appear to be mature to you but they are still
BOISTEROUS" (Stan Kegel)
Bustle: The rush-hour BUSTLE be late. (Bob Dvorak)
Formica: There will be four speakers at four podiums so tell the
engineers this is definitely a FORMICA job. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Ineffable: A guaranteed Grade-A term paper (William Safire)
Mop And Glow: Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
(Douglas Helsel)
Income: what you have to make first, because you can't make it last.
(Lexicon)
Alight: What you need to smoke a cigarette (Stan Kegel)
Overload: The higher part of a mine. (Tim Bruening)
Extraneous: He was born with two rectums. He has an EXTRANEOUS.
(Cynthia MacGregor)
Bilious: "Here's a check for the down payment. Please BILIOUS for the
balance." (Stan Kegel)
Escapade: ESCAPADE employee if he's getting enough remuneration. (Bob
Dvorak)
POETRY
Ebonic Lord's Prayer
Yo, Big Daddy upstairs,
You be chillin
So be yo hood
You be sayin' it, I be doin' it
In this here hood and yo's
Gimme some eats
And cut me some slack, Blood
Sos I be doin' it to dem dat diss me
Don't be pushing me into no jive
Ang keep dem crips away
Cause you always be da man, G
Straight up.
Aa-men. (Uncle Uri)
There was a young man from Timbuktu
Whose limericks stopped at line two.
(Moni)
When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That's our mores.
(Robert Taxon)
Even though it's John T. Scopes whom they were really tryin',
Darrow made a monkey out of William Jennings Bryan.
(Russell Beland)
When Satchmo converted to Jew it
Meant he'd could still play, and he knew it
But he was too hip
Placed horn to his lip
Shofar it's sho good, then he blew it
(Gary Hallock)
Robespierre's Reign of Terror was huge:
The threat level rose from l'orange to le rouge.
(Chris Doyle)
When a Japanese knight
Used a sword in a fight
That's Samurai.
(Robert Taxon)
These dirty campaigns have a cost
When charges are, back and forth, tossed
Come early November
This we should remember
That mud, when it's thrown, is ground lost
(Gary Hallock)
If the ball's in the goal,
It's not Shearer or Cole,
It's Zamora.
(Jonners)
TOM SWIFTIES, CROCKERS AND WELLERISMS
"Which restroom is the mens'?" Tom asked gently. (Jason Dias)
"I will NOT finish in fifth place!" Tom held forth. (Gill Krebs)
"I can't be bothered," said Tom carelessly. (Fun With Words)
"Do salmon wear sweaters?" asked Tom wolfishly. (Simon Champion)
"I'm waiting to see the doctor," said Tom patiently. (Think.com)
"Use your own toothbrush!" Tom bristled. (Fun With Words)
"Don't worry, I can't add up either," Tom said, nonplussed. (Simon
Champion)
"Pretend we were in the days before railways," Tom coached. (Gill Krebs)
"What kind of garnish is this?" said Tom sparsely. (Jason Dias)
"Someday I'll run the CIA," said Tom aspiringly. (Fun With Words)
"I've had another look at your work, and I've decided to change your
grade," Tom's teacher remarked. (Simon Champion)
"I still think he was bluffing," Tom recalled. (Jason Dias)
"I presented my case to the judge," Tom said briefly. (Fun With Words)
"His Honor is crazy," Tom admitted judgementally. (Simon Champion)
"They were driving much too slow for the interstate," said Tom in
passing. (Jason Dias)
"I have been reading Voltaire," Tom admitted candidly. (Fun With Words)
"I used to own this gold mine!" Tom exclaimed. (Simon Champion)
MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS
Nathan Haley said, "I only regret that I have but one life to give for
my country." This has come to be known as Haley's comment. (Beckie
Shiles)
"In the Middle Ages, the Black Pledge was going around..." (Juel
Goldstock)
"I spent the week in Hawai, the home of pom trees, cocanuts and loo
wows." (Juel Goldstock)
"In the eleventh grade, I had a big problem. My teacher was Mr.
Goldstock and he caused my future to disappear..." (Juel Goldstock)
"Frank Furter was a Supreme Court Justice." (Juel Goldstock)
TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS
Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
(Carin Lamberson)
Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacesuit (Timothy Haas)
TV Remote Control: Not dishwasher safe. (Carin Lamberson)
After Detour To California Shuttle Returns To Earth (Workman Pub)
Instruction manual: If you prefer coffee with less bitter aftertaste,
turn the flavor selector to the left. Should you prefer a more robust
taste, turn it to the right. Regardless of the position you select, the
coffee will always have the same full flavor. (Steve Harvey)
Spotted in a safari park: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.
Police Can't Stop Gambling (Workman Pub)
2 Wire Mesh Butchering Gloves: 1 5-Finger, 1 3-Finger, Pair: $15
(Douglas Helsel)
How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby. (Anonymous
Manufacturer)
Amana Washer $100. Owned By Clean Bachelor Who Seldom Washed. (Douglas
Helsel)
Ad: Three upholstered chairs, coffee table, crystal, other stuff
including a computer desk suitable for large lady with thick legs and
large drawers. (Baytown Texas Sun)
Menu Item: Roasted beer on white bread topped with brown gravy. Served
with mashed potatoes or fresh fruit (Steve Harvey)
Ad: Full Sized Mattress. 20 Yr Warranty. Like New. Slight Urine Smell.
(Douglas Helsel)
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
Deja flew: The feeling I've ridden in this airplanes before. (Uncle
George)
After watching the seagull dive for a fish, the dove dove. (Felicia
Lamport)
The head lion's favorite mate was named Juana. He would constantly push
her away from the other lions because "You Always Herd The Juana You
Love." (Stan Kegel)
A tot star who angers easily:
Surly Temper (Cynthia MacGregor)
Deja sue: The feeling that I've been in this courtroom before. (Uncle
George)
My sole object is to object (Felicia Lamport)
The head lion's favorite mate was named Juana. He would constantly push
her away from the other lions because "You Always Herd The Juana You
Love." (Stan Kegel)
Litigious children's author:
Dr. Sues (Cynthia MacGregor)
The bass swam around the bass drum on the ocean floor. (Felicia Lamport)
When a saccharin product sponsored the Benny Goodman show at the World
Expo, he had to change his theme song to Sweet And Low Swing Clarinet.
(Stan Kegel)
Movie and stage male lead who smiled broadly but only at Christmas time:
Yule Grynner (Cynthia MacGregor)
A crow can scatter wheat seeds, but can a sow sow corn (Felicia Lamport)
Grade "A" dams and good management are necessary for successful genetic
manipulation of Mare Zygotes And Doe Zygotes. (Stan Kegel)
An actor who manufactures cravats for equines:
Tie Roan Power (Gill Krebs)
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? (Dobhran)
The Canadian who likes to look at wedding clothes:
Peer Trousseau (Lars Hanson)
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DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE
Pimp: Piece negotiator. (Comedy Vault)
Gambling: An ankle bracelet (Jerry Pannullo)
Hypochondriac: A woman who wonât let well enough alone
Supervisor: Really nice hatless brim (Jason Dias)
Inbred: The best way to eat salami. (Lexicon)
Forum: "He worked hard for that promotion so I'm very happy FORUM."
(Stan Kegel)
Garden: "Watch out, Louie. There's a GARDEN the corridor." (Doug Drill)
Photo Finish: Matté. (Comedy Vault)
Scrotum: Malebag (Stan Kegel)
Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words (Leslie Ann Poole)
Hematologist: The opposite of a urologist, he's a doctor who pricks
your finger. (Lexicon)
Funnel: "After the wedding, your FUNNEL cease." (Stan Kegel)
Gentle: "This here GENTLE show you to the bathroom, Miss Snidely."
(Doug Drill)
Infest: A West Virginia wedding reception. (Ned Bent)
Washable: What a cowboy should do very carefully (Stan Kegel)
Approbation: Fear of early release from prison (William Safire)
Incongruous: Where the hot air in the U. S. is produced. (Lexicon)
Forage: "Beauty be FORAGE." (Stan Kegel)
Gallop: "It's nearly five a.m. You'd better wake that little GALLOP
(Doug Drill)
Procession: Time with a tennis teacher. (Sandy Sibert)
Polynomiial: A fasting parrot (James Ertner )
Abut: A rear end or the end of a cigarette. (Stan Kegel)
Helmit: Satan's glove. (Tim Bruening)
Boisterous: "They may appear to be mature to you but they are still
BOISTEROUS" (Stan Kegel)
Bustle: The rush-hour BUSTLE be late. (Bob Dvorak)
Formica: There will be four speakers at four podiums so tell the
engineers this is definitely a FORMICA job. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Ineffable: A guaranteed Grade-A term paper (William Safire)
Mop And Glow: Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
(Douglas Helsel)
Income: what you have to make first, because you can't make it last.
(Lexicon)
Alight: What you need to smoke a cigarette (Stan Kegel)
Overload: The higher part of a mine. (Tim Bruening)
Extraneous: He was born with two rectums. He has an EXTRANEOUS.
(Cynthia MacGregor)
Bilious: "Here's a check for the down payment. Please BILIOUS for the
balance." (Stan Kegel)
Escapade: ESCAPADE employee if he's getting enough remuneration. (Bob
Dvorak)
POETRY
Ebonic Lord's Prayer
Yo, Big Daddy upstairs,
You be chillin
So be yo hood
You be sayin' it, I be doin' it
In this here hood and yo's
Gimme some eats
And cut me some slack, Blood
Sos I be doin' it to dem dat diss me
Don't be pushing me into no jive
Ang keep dem crips away
Cause you always be da man, G
Straight up.
Aa-men. (Uncle Uri)
There was a young man from Timbuktu
Whose limericks stopped at line two.
(Moni)
When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That's our mores.
(Robert Taxon)
Even though it's John T. Scopes whom they were really tryin',
Darrow made a monkey out of William Jennings Bryan.
(Russell Beland)
When Satchmo converted to Jew it
Meant he'd could still play, and he knew it
But he was too hip
Placed horn to his lip
Shofar it's sho good, then he blew it
(Gary Hallock)
Robespierre's Reign of Terror was huge:
The threat level rose from l'orange to le rouge.
(Chris Doyle)
When a Japanese knight
Used a sword in a fight
That's Samurai.
(Robert Taxon)
These dirty campaigns have a cost
When charges are, back and forth, tossed
Come early November
This we should remember
That mud, when it's thrown, is ground lost
(Gary Hallock)
If the ball's in the goal,
It's not Shearer or Cole,
It's Zamora.
(Jonners)
TOM SWIFTIES, CROCKERS AND WELLERISMS
"Which restroom is the mens'?" Tom asked gently. (Jason Dias)
"I will NOT finish in fifth place!" Tom held forth. (Gill Krebs)
"I can't be bothered," said Tom carelessly. (Fun With Words)
"Do salmon wear sweaters?" asked Tom wolfishly. (Simon Champion)
"I'm waiting to see the doctor," said Tom patiently. (Think.com)
"Use your own toothbrush!" Tom bristled. (Fun With Words)
"Don't worry, I can't add up either," Tom said, nonplussed. (Simon
Champion)
"Pretend we were in the days before railways," Tom coached. (Gill Krebs)
"What kind of garnish is this?" said Tom sparsely. (Jason Dias)
"Someday I'll run the CIA," said Tom aspiringly. (Fun With Words)
"I've had another look at your work, and I've decided to change your
grade," Tom's teacher remarked. (Simon Champion)
"I still think he was bluffing," Tom recalled. (Jason Dias)
"I presented my case to the judge," Tom said briefly. (Fun With Words)
"His Honor is crazy," Tom admitted judgementally. (Simon Champion)
"They were driving much too slow for the interstate," said Tom in
passing. (Jason Dias)
"I have been reading Voltaire," Tom admitted candidly. (Fun With Words)
"I used to own this gold mine!" Tom exclaimed. (Simon Champion)
MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS
Nathan Haley said, "I only regret that I have but one life to give for
my country." This has come to be known as Haley's comment. (Beckie
Shiles)
"In the Middle Ages, the Black Pledge was going around..." (Juel
Goldstock)
"I spent the week in Hawai, the home of pom trees, cocanuts and loo
wows." (Juel Goldstock)
"In the eleventh grade, I had a big problem. My teacher was Mr.
Goldstock and he caused my future to disappear..." (Juel Goldstock)
"Frank Furter was a Supreme Court Justice." (Juel Goldstock)
TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS
Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
(Carin Lamberson)
Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacesuit (Timothy Haas)
TV Remote Control: Not dishwasher safe. (Carin Lamberson)
After Detour To California Shuttle Returns To Earth (Workman Pub)
Instruction manual: If you prefer coffee with less bitter aftertaste,
turn the flavor selector to the left. Should you prefer a more robust
taste, turn it to the right. Regardless of the position you select, the
coffee will always have the same full flavor. (Steve Harvey)
Spotted in a safari park: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.
Police Can't Stop Gambling (Workman Pub)
2 Wire Mesh Butchering Gloves: 1 5-Finger, 1 3-Finger, Pair: $15
(Douglas Helsel)
How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby. (Anonymous
Manufacturer)
Amana Washer $100. Owned By Clean Bachelor Who Seldom Washed. (Douglas
Helsel)
Ad: Three upholstered chairs, coffee table, crystal, other stuff
including a computer desk suitable for large lady with thick legs and
large drawers. (Baytown Texas Sun)
Menu Item: Roasted beer on white bread topped with brown gravy. Served
with mashed potatoes or fresh fruit (Steve Harvey)
Ad: Full Sized Mattress. 20 Yr Warranty. Like New. Slight Urine Smell.
(Douglas Helsel)
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
Deja flew: The feeling I've ridden in this airplanes before. (Uncle
George)
After watching the seagull dive for a fish, the dove dove. (Felicia
Lamport)
The head lion's favorite mate was named Juana. He would constantly push
her away from the other lions because "You Always Herd The Juana You
Love." (Stan Kegel)
A tot star who angers easily:
Surly Temper (Cynthia MacGregor)
Deja sue: The feeling that I've been in this courtroom before. (Uncle
George)
My sole object is to object (Felicia Lamport)
The head lion's favorite mate was named Juana. He would constantly push
her away from the other lions because "You Always Herd The Juana You
Love." (Stan Kegel)
Litigious children's author:
Dr. Sues (Cynthia MacGregor)
The bass swam around the bass drum on the ocean floor. (Felicia Lamport)
When a saccharin product sponsored the Benny Goodman show at the World
Expo, he had to change his theme song to Sweet And Low Swing Clarinet.
(Stan Kegel)
Movie and stage male lead who smiled broadly but only at Christmas time:
Yule Grynner (Cynthia MacGregor)
A crow can scatter wheat seeds, but can a sow sow corn (Felicia Lamport)
Grade "A" dams and good management are necessary for successful genetic
manipulation of Mare Zygotes And Doe Zygotes. (Stan Kegel)
An actor who manufactures cravats for equines:
Tie Roan Power (Gill Krebs)
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? (Dobhran)
The Canadian who likes to look at wedding clothes:
Peer Trousseau (Lars Hanson)
------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
Make a clean sweep of pop-up ads. Yahoo! Companion Toolbar.
Now with Pop-Up Blocker. Get it for free!
http://us.click.yahoo.com/L5YrjA/eSIIAA/yQLSAA/ZkgolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->
Jokes and Humor
********************************************
Life Story Writing
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Funny Quotes
Love Quotes
Famous Recipes
If you got this from someone else subscribe at:
Arizona Humor
or send an email to:
arizona_humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Yahoo! Groups Links
<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/arizona_humor/
<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
arizona_humor-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
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