arizona humor Weakly Humerus News 09-17-04
WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS for 09-17-04
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY
Votings not like sex you know. You're not going to go out and do it
once and then say, "Gee, I'm going to do it again. That was fun."
(James Karpel on trying to get young adults to vote)
What difference does it make how well President Bush avoided combat.
Isn't it just enough to know he avoided it. In these difficult times,
do you really want a President who wasn't smart enough to get out of
going to Vietnam. (Rob Cordrer)
You must be a member of the National Rifle Association if you believe
assault weapons are the only humane way of hunting birds and animals
because they die more rapidly with minimal pain and suffering. (Stan
Kegel)
What's the difference between George W. Bush and John Kerry? Bush is
accused by many of being in bed with a bunch of rich executives with
their own agendas. John Kerry's only in bed with one. (Tom Evans)
Bill Clinton went home Friday only four days after heart surgery. The
procedure is common. It's the second presidential bypass operation in a
year if you count the decision to let Osama bin Laden off the hook in
favor of going after Saddam Hussein. (Argus Hamilton
John Kerry criticized President Bush for not renewing the ban on
assault weapons. Well, you can understand why President Bush doesn't
want to renew the ban. These are the first weapons of mass destruction
that he's been able to find. (Jay Leno)
Have you seen the tripe the TV networks are offering us this fall. It's
hour after hour of the same lame sitcoms, pseudo-news and phony reality
shows. If we had them tested I think we'd find that most network
programmers tend to be extremely banal retentive. (Gary Hallock)
IN THE NEWS * WEB SITE OF THE DAY
Song of the Week; Capital Steps; Fakey Purple Heart
http://www.capsteps.com/sounds/kerry-fakeypurpleheart.mp3 or go to
http://www.capsteps.com for the sons of the past 9 weeks.
White House.Org: "Unprotected":
http://www.georgewbush.org/spots/index.asp> and watch "Four More Wars"
& "Questions" as well
IN THE NEWS * TODAY'S COMIC STRIPS
Hi folks! Are you still confused by color-coded threat levels? Well,
you needn't be! Let me walk you through this simple system! LOW: GREEN
means a low risk of bush losing the election. Citizens should be
vigilant but basically re-elections in the bag. GUARDED: BLUE means the
election is under control but bears monitoring. Citizens should check
to make sure they have registered as Republicans. ELEVATED: YELLOW
means an elevated risk of losing! All citizens should remind each other
how dangerous it is to switch leaders in the middle of a war on terror.
HIGH: ORANGE means a high risk of losing the election! Citizens are
strongly urged to raise the subject of gay marriage! SEVERE: RED means
the President's numbers are in free-fall. Citizens should max out and
the Supreme Court put on High Alert just in case! And remember folks â
No matter what color the day, you either support our President during
our time of crisis or you don't! It's up to you! (Doonesbury: Garry
Trudeau)
"Welcome to 'Ask President Bush, Everyone! You know, some people wonder
why my Dad had 141 press conferences and I've had only 12. The answer
is I don't need 'Filter Conferences' as I call them. I prefer to answer
the people's questions!" "Sir, Can I have your autograph?" "See! Great
question! Great!" (Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)
Bush: "Yes, do you have a question, young lady?" "Yes Sir. Let me just
say first what a thrill it is to have you here, You're even more
resolute in person. I'd like to ask you what your favorite achievement
as president is!" "Oh. Tough question!" "Oh, I'm sorry. Should I
reframe it?" (Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)
"Mr. President, I have a question for you. When I filled out my loyalty
form at the door here I couldn't find a box to check that said,
'Promises not to vote for flip-flopping surrender monkeys," Mr
President, if there had been such a box, I'd have been honored to check
it!" Audience: "Ueah!" Bush: "Wow! Another great question!"
(Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)
Thousands of students heading off to college this month will be
greeted by 'Free-Speech Zones', the only places on campus where they
can speak freely, no matter how politically incorrect the idea.
"Colleges used to thrive on the noisy offensive clash of ideas. Thank
goodness we have put those dark days behind us." "Doesn't designating
'Free Speech Zones' make the rest of campus a speech free zone?" "We
prefer the term, 'Zone of Niceness'!" "That sounds like '1984' when
Orwell saysâ¦" "Ahem, this is not a 'Free Speech Zone!" "Ya don't say."
"Exactly." (Mallard Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)
Producer: "Peter, Mallard Fillmore says the media are ignoring data
that show the rich have paid more taxes since the Bush Tax cuts!"
Peter: "Okay, I guess we'd better do a story." TV: "According to data
from the extremist right-wing Treasury Departmentâ¦" (Mallard Fillmore:
Bruce Tinsley)
TV gets more revolting every season Insipid plots, vile language,
gratuitous violence, ads begging people to vote. On TV: "Hey, all you
young people out there. Get out and vote 'cause it's really hip and
cool, so please if it's not too much troubleâ¦" (Mallard Fillmore: Bruce
Tinsley)
"According to National Review Online, CBO and Treasury Department data
show that the rich have actually paid more in taxes since the Bush Tax
cuts while one million low-income taxpayers have gone off the tax
rolls. Meanwhile the media are heeding their mothers' advise, 'If you
can't say anything bad about tax cuts, don't say anything at all."
(Mallard Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)
[Editor's Note: What this actually means is that the rich are paying
more taxes in spite of a decreased tax rate because of a substantial
increase in their income, while one-million previously tax-paying
Americans are no longer paying taxes because they are no longer
employed or are now working at minimum wage jobs.]
"Hmmm. This article makes a great case for replacing our income tax
with a national sales tax, but goes on to say that John Kerry won't
even consider it. Wow! Two great cases for a national sales tax."
(Mallard Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)
TV: "John Kerry is a lying, cowardly man who betrayed his country,
disrespected the armed forces, misrepresented his military record, shot
children in the back and engaged in questionable activity with a
Cambodian goat. But we honor his service to his country." (Boondocks:
Aaron McGruder)
Kid: "When I grow up I want to be a swing voter. I want to vote for
whoever can say just the right last-minute words to make me ignore his
record or dishonesty or incompetence. I want to chose a president based
on who I'd have an imaginary beer with." "Some kids are too into trendy
fads." (Candorville: Darrin Bell)
The President has been accused by opponents of stifling dissent in
advance of the November election. His opponents claim the President is
afraid of hearing opposing views and surrounds himself only with
"yes-men". The President is expected to refute that in a speech at a
local eatery on Monday, At he eatery: "A loyalty oath?" "Sign it in
blood." (Candorville: Darrin Bell)
IN THE NEWS * HURRICANES
Dick Chaney has a message for Florida residents: "If you vote for John
Kerry, you will be hit (by hurricanes) again, and again, and again,
andâ¦" (M. e. Cohen)
Orlando theme parks closed for Hurricane Frances' arrival, but long
lines on the highways and rampant price gouging by merchants meant
tourists didn't have to miss out on the Disney experience. (Jim
Barach)
Bush toured the hurricane damage in Florida and Bush really looked
surprised at places boarded up for reasons other than his economic
policies. (Jay Leno)
Hurricane Ivan was predicted Friday to pummel Florida today with the
state's third devastating hurricane in just the past three weeks. It's
no coincidence. Nobody's life or property can be considered safe when
the U.S. Congress is in session. (Argus Hamilton)
Hurricane Ivan roared through the Caribbean Sea Sunday, hauling
Category Five winds toward the U.S. mainland. It's starting to look
like terrorism. The Weather Channel ran a video Thursday from the
leader of El Nino stating the group's demands. (Argus Hamilton)
The hurricanes hit Cuba so hard that some Cubans who were not baseball
players landed in Florida. (Jay Leno)
New Orleans was warned to evacuate Tuesday due to the uncertainty over
where Hurricane Ivan might land. Not everyone minded the evacuation
order. The jazz community in the French Quarter never needs any
encouragement to seek higher ground. (Argus Hamilton)
House being blown away by the hurricane: "That's the nice thing about
Florida. We can stay at home and still rack up frequent flyer miles."
(Mike Keefe, The Denver Post)
Cheney: "We found a direct link between hurricanes and al_Quada, and
making the wrong choice in the election will increase the chance of
hurricanes! (Jimmy Margulies, The New Jersey Record)
I was hoping (Hurricane) Ivan would force Amtrak to shut down, so the
headlines could read: "Ivan Working On The Railroad." (Lowrie Beacham)
The Gulf Coast picks up from hurricane Ivan. Meanwhile, Florida braces
for yet another devastating disaster. The election! (Alan Ray)
IN THE NEWS * ASSAULT WEAPONS
The assault weapons ban expires on Monday. Thank God, I can go back to
shooting ducks with my uzi. (David Letterman)
The federal ban on assault rifles is over. The freedom to possess an
AK-47 has immediate implications. High school kids will need much
bigger backpacks. (Alan Ray)
South Florida residents own as many guns as the North Korean army,
although ours are generally of a higher caliber. (Dave Berry)
Moosehead on wall riddled with bullet holes. Man says proudly, "And I
bagged this bad boy the day after the assault weapons ban expired!"
(Mike Keefe, The Denver Post)
Bush: I'd stop at nothing to keep assault weapons off the street!"
Reporter: "But, Sir. You did nothing to extend the ban on them." Bush:
"Right. Then I stopped." (Steve Kelley, The New Orleans Times-Picayune)
Despite a decade of plummeting crime rates, Congress has allowed the
1994 ban on assault weapons to expire. Ironically, the cause of the
bill's death ⦠multiple bullet wounds. (Jon Stewart)
Expired Present: Picture of Assault Weapon
Expired Future: Multiple tombstones inscribed "Assault Weapon Victims"
(Jack Ohman, The Portland Oregonian)
IN THE NEWS * THE MEDIA
Republicans are warning CBS anchor Dan Rather to stop investigating
President Bush's National Guard service... or else. Just to make sure
Rather gets the message, they're having New York cops beat up Mike
Wallace one more time. (Jake Novak)
Two men examining "CBS Bush Memos" with magnifying glasses: "This "New
Times Roman" font with superscript appear totally consistent with 1970s
IBM typefaces." "Nonsense! The Selectric 307-AB2 could never have
formatted with this kerning! Furthermoreâ¦" (Steve Carlson, Milwaukee
Sentinel)
A new report shows that despite warnings from experts that the
documents were low quality and could not authenticated, CBS still aired
the story about President Bush's alleged National Guard service memos.
But if CBS always refused to broadcast low-quality items, it never
would be able to air "Two and Half Men," "Yes Dear," or "The Amazing
Race." (Jake Novak)
Did you hear this? "60 minutes" has a new policy. From now on they're
going to spend at least "60 minutes" verifying their stories. (Jay
Leno)
Earlier this week, '60 Minutes' featured documents that they say proved
President Bush did not fulfill his requirements for National Guard
service. Well, now there's talk that the documents are forged. Well, of
course, President Bush is stunned. He said, 'You mean I did show up for
duty? (Jay Leno)
There's a lot of controversy surrounding the authenticity of this memos
shown on '60 Minutes' concerning President Bush and his service in the
National Guard. If there's one thing you don't want to see, it's a
president who didn't really win the election being brought down by
phony documents. (Jay Leno)
President Bush told reporters today that he âdoubtedâ that the Texas
National Guard memos discovered by CBS last week could be authentic
because âI know exactly where the real ones are hidden.â(Andy Borowitz)
White House officials say they knew all along that the memos shown on
"60 Minutes" attacking President Bush's National Guard duty were fakes.
But that's only because they were written by the same guy they paid to
forge documents proving there were WMDs in Iraq. (Jake Novak)
Dan Rather says there are some answered questions. Really. The last
time a TV show had so many unanswered questions was when Jessica
Simpson was on Jeopardy. (Jay Leno)
CBS. You know what CBS stands for ⦠"Cock and Bull Story". (Jay Leno)
Article in current "Cosmo": "How You Can Tell If Dan Rather Is Faking
It" (Cosmo Cover)
IN THE NEWS * GEORGE W. BUSH & DICK CHENEY
Bush & Chaney watching coffins draped in American flags on a conveyer
belt into a cargo plane. Bush: I guess their daddies didn't know the
right people. (Nick Anderson, The Louisville Courier-Journal)
Cheney reading a bedtime story to a boy in an Uncle Sam hat: "And then
the Big Bad Kerry invited a terrorist attack on America." (Daryl Cagle,
Slate)
Cheney explains: "What I meant was ⦠Even if we're reelected, and we
are again hit by terrorists, it's still John Kerry's fault. (J. D.
Stone)
Vice President Dick Cheney denied saying that if John Kerry were
elected the United States would have another terrorist attack. Cheney
explained, what I actually said was that if Kerry were elected I would
have a heart attack. (Conan O'Brien)
TV: George Bush ignored warnings about 9/11⦠Said Iraqis would welcome
our troops with open arms⦠Said we knew where WMDs were. Said oil would
pay for the war and we don't need a military draft. (Bruce Plante, The
Chattanooga Times Free Press)
If you accept the statement, "I think, therefore I am," does it mean
President Bush -- isn't? (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte Observer)
President Bush says he is now working on a plan to destabilize the
Cuban economy and drive it into huge deficits. He knows it works
because he's been testing it here since the day he took office. (Jay
Leno)
President Bush spoke to a meeting of the National Guard in Las Vegas
today. Boy, a lot of those guys were excited to see him. Well, sure, a
lot of them have been waiting since the early '70s. (Jay Leno)
Dick Cheney says the economic numbers don't take into account all the
people making money on eBay. Yeah, if you lose your job, you've got to
sell your car, your clothes, your house. (Jay Leno)
Dick Cheney is saying there is great risk if John Kerry wins. Yeah, the
risk is that President Bush won't be able to find another job. (David
Letterman)
It's been reported that the White House called the producers of the
'Today' show and asked them not to air anymore interviews with an
author of a new book that's critical of President Bush. I guess they
mean business, because at the end of the call they said, "Do as we say,
or you'll be asking where in the world is Matt Lauer?" (Conan O'Brien)
IN THE NEWS * JOHN KERRY & JOHN EDWARDS
John Kerry at the supermarket: "Plastic. No, paper. No, wait...I may
not want either kind. No, I want paper. Yes! Definitely paper! Or
plastic. "OK, this is definitely my decision: Paper. "No, wait. On
second thought, I don't want any groceries at all. Just some Heinz
ketchup." (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte Observer)
John Kerry unveiled his new campaign slogan: A mind is a terrible thing
to make up. (Jay Leno)
One of the commentators on MSNBC was saying that John Kerry seems to be
a man who likes himself. Well, you know, opposites attract. (Jay Leno)
John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he
still can't explain what John Kerry stands for. (David Letterman)
It's been reported that a record made by a band that John Kerry was in
during college has been bought for $2,500. Meanwhile, the White House
said that President Bush was in a college band, but that all the
records have been lost. (Conan O'Brien)
Teresa Heinz Kerry said today that only an idiot would fail to support
her husband's healthcare plan. See I'm confused, I thought she was John
Kerry's healthcare plan. And his economic plan, and his retirement
plan. Am I wrong? (Jay Leno)
The Republicans are now accusing John Kerry of using rich friends to
help him get into Vietnam. (David Letterman)
John Kerry in Ohio Tuesday called Iraq the wrong war at the wrong time.
It's exhausting. Every time President Bush thinks of a new reason why
he went to war in Iraq, John Kerry has to think of two new reasons why
he was for it and against it. (Argus Hamilton)
John Kerry's favorable ratings tumbled this week as he trailed
President Bush by double digits. He's sinking fast. John Kerry's only
hope is a debate format that's suited to his skills, but the Secret
Service would never allow the president to duel. (Argus Hamilton)
John Kerry and his service in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It
all took place in Vietnam and now it just won't go away. I was thinking
about this -- if John Kerry had just ducked the war like everybody else
he wouldn't have this trouble. (David Letterman)
John Kerry hired President Clinton's former White House press secretary
Mike McCurry on Tuesday. He will be bored out of his mind. When you've
worked for Indiana Jones, the problems of Thurston Howell III don't
really get your blood pumping. (Argus Hamilton)
John Kerry told seniors in Milwaukee Tuesday that the White House is
hiding the truth about higher Medicare premiums. The good news is, he
reminds a lot of seniors of Humphrey Bogart. The bad news is, it's
Humphrey Bogart in The Big Sleep. (Argus Hamilton)
A copy of the 1961 Electras album featuring John Kerry on bass sells
for $2,000 on eBay. Kerry likes the old vinyl records compared to
today's CDs, because they have two sides. (Jim Barach)
IN THE NEWS * THE CLINTONS
Now that former U.S. President William Jefferson Clinton is
recuperating from recent heart problems, an interviewer inquired about
his experience and asked if he might tell the public about his pain.
"Well," began Clinton, "the pain reminded me of John Kerry." "In what
way," asked the interviewer. "It was dull," said Clinton, "it was a
dull pain; and it kept shifting from side to side." (David J. Wardell)
Former President Clinton is expected to be released from the hospital
and he'll be able to go home. Clinton was excited about it and said, I
never thought I'd be this eager to put my pants on. (Conan O'Brien)
President Clinton is doing well after his bypass surgery on Monday. But
he's still heavily sedated on painkillers. In fact, he's still so loopy
that yesterday he accidentally hit on Hillary (David Letterman)
Since Bill Clinton's operation, the number of patients complaining of
similar chest pains has increased dramatically. Doctors are calling the
trend the Bill Clinton Syndrome. That's true. Yeah, before the
operation the Bill Clinton Syndrome was characterized as a burning
sensation in the groin. (Conan O'Brien)
IN THE NEWS * RALPH NADER
According to the latest poll today, Ralph Nader is down to 1 percent of
the popular vote. 1 percent! That's embarrassing. He's even trailing
low-fat milk, that's 2 percent. (Jay Leno)
IN THE NEWS * THE REPUBLICANS
Conservative commentator Pat Buchanan is attacking Republicans for
abandoning their values. Republicans are responding by asking: "We have
values?" (Jake Novak)
You know why there are no Republicans on Star Trek? Because it's set
in the future. (Will Durst)
IN THE NEWS * THE DEMOCRATS
Only a Democrat would believe that most Americans get their news from
sources other than Fox News and talk shows, (Stan Kegel)
1984 ⢠20 YEARS LATER
I am a compassionate Republican but no woman or young girl has the
right to decide whether to stop a pregnancy even if she were raped.
(Big Brother 2004)
IN THE NEWS * THE POLLS
According to polls by the Annenberg Public Policy Center, before the
Democratic convention, 57 percent of veterans thought President Bush
was a "stronger leader" than John Kerry. Shortly after the convention,
only 43 percent thought Bush was stronger. And a month later, the
center says, 56 percent felt Bush is the stronger leader. Oh, horrors!
Do you realize what this means? The voters are flip-flopping. They're
so unreliable. (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte Observer)
The reelection bid of President George W. Bush received some positive
news today in the form of a new poll showing voters giving him high
marks in the war on CBS newsman Dan Rather. The poll asked likely
voters, "Who do you trust more in the war against Dan Rather, President
Bush or Sen. John Kerry?" According to the survey, 97% chose President
Bush while only 2% said Mr. Kerry was better equipped to fight the war
on Rather. (Andy Borowitz)
IN THE NEWS * THE DEBATES
Now the candidate are arguing over the exact format these debates will
take. Kerry wants to stand behind a podium, Bush wants to stand behind
Dick Cheney. (Jay Leno)
IN THE NEWS ⢠THE STATES
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill Friday outlawing anybody
having sex with a corpse in California. The practice was fairly
widespread. However with one stroke of the pen, he put every estate
attorney in Beverly Hills out of business. (Argus Hamilton) .
15 state governors have now received booby-trapped letters rigged to
set fire when opened. The only Governor safe from these attacks in Jim
McGreevey, because he's already flaming. (Jake Novak)
A measure on Oregonâs ballot would allow possession of 1lb. of pot for
medical use. Proponents are optimistic. They may not win the vote, but
the post election party should really be something. (Alan Ray)
IN THE NEWS * CONGRESS
The U.S. House has voted itself a pay raise. The purpose is to offset
the high cost of living. A bribe doesnât go as far as it used to. (Alan
Ray)
IN THE NEWS * TERRORISM
President Bush, who has been saying all along that "of course" we can
win the war against terrorism, said in a recent television interview
that, "I don't think you can win it." Well, we think it's a damn shame.
But if the war on terrorism is unwinnable, we know who is to blame,
don't we? That flip-flopping John Kerry! (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte
Observer)
Two terrorists in a cave in Afghanistan: "Cheney's right! The second
Kerry is elected. We attack!" "And because of Iraq, we've had plenty of
time to plan it!" (John Heller, The Green Bay Press-Gazettte)
Dick Cheney said that if John Kerry wins, there will be another attack.
Then Cheney said, if Bush wins, I'll call it off. (Conan O'Brien)
IN THE NEWS * BUSINESS & THE ECONOMY
Michael Eisner announced Friday he will step down as head of the Walt
Disney Company. Shareholder meetings had become town mobs. If Disney
shareholders have anything to say about it, he will get the same
severance package as Marie Antoinette. (Argus Hamilton)
Vice President Dick Cheney made a stop at a Wal-Mart today, Cheney said
that Wal-Mart is a great American institution. Well, that's true, all
the workers are Mexican and all the stuff's made in China. (Jay Leno)
Redmond, WA - Microsoft Corporation has reconfirmed its commitment to
bringing the "total PC experience" to Macintosh computer users. MS
software developers this week announced the latest version of its
"Windows for Macintosh" bundle comes with MyDoom, Bagle, SoBig,
LovSan/Blaster and Melissa already installed. "We're saddened that
nobody bothers to write crippling hacks for the Mac OS any more," said
Chief Software Architect Bill Gates. "We know Mac people have been
feeling left out for a very long time now, and we want to welcome them
back into the family." (Dave's Daily)
Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan says the economy is finally showing 'signs
of traction.' Apparently our jobs are leaving the country so fast,
they're leaving skid marks now. (Caboom)
International Trucks unveiled a monster truck Monday that's four feet
longer and twice as heavy as the Hummer. The price is a hundred grand.
It's advertised as the world's largest production pick-up now that Bill
Clinton must lose weight or die. (Argus Hamilton)
IN THE NEWS * IRAQ
My bet is that the ill winds that are blowing in Iraq will eventually
cause a draft in the United States (Fred Barling)
Why haven't the US military given up power to the Iraqi's?
They are afraid of Premature Iraqi-nation. (Daily Groaner)
The U.S. has hired Saddam's former generals to fight the insurgents in
Iraq. Returning Baathists to power is part of the Bush Administration's
new strategy. Operation: Back to Square One. (Alan Ray)
Secretary of State Colin Powell vowed that the insurgency "will be
brought under control" ... And Paris Hilton will enter the Carmelites
... Ivana and the Donald will remarry ... Boy George will have a son
... Howard Stern will say something funny ... Mike Tyson will win a
Nobel Peace Prize ... Kathy Lee Gifford will wake up one morning
with perfect pitch ... Chris Rock will work clean ... Pete Rose
will . . . (The Wit Wizard)
IN THE NEWS * GREAT BRITAIN
Amid protests, Britain's House of Commons votes to outlaw fox hunts.
It's still legal in the US as long as the hunters carry assault rifles.
(The Wit Wizard)
.IN THE NEWS * INTERNATIONAL
A protester dressed as Batman has scaled a wall at Buckingham Palace,
causing huge embarrassment for Britain's security forces. But the
incident is even more embarrassing for the folks at Warner Borthers
Studios, who could have prevented this whole incident if they had just
made Val Kilmer give his costume back. (Jake Novak)
North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il today threw cold water on speculation
that a massive explosion in his country last week was the result of a
nuclear weapons test, explaining that the two-mile-wide mushroom cloud
originated at a concert by the singer/entertainer Cher. `(Argus
Hamilton)
The Chinese government has executed four executives from state-run
banks for fraud. Americans are reacting to the news by asking whether
we can extradite Ken Lay and Bernie Ebbers to China (Jake Novak)
IN THE NEWS * HEALTH & SCIENCE
The Great Britain edition of Good Housekeeping reports one out of four
English women prefer housecleaning to sex with men. Well, vacuum
cleaners have eight attachments. Men only have one. (Jay Leno)
Today some French scientists announced that they have cloned a rat.
Thank God! This will solve that big rat shortage. - (David Letterman)
The U.S. government says seat belt use is at an all-time high. It's not
because we're more safety-conscious, it's just that we're desperate to
use anything that makes our stomachs look thinner. (Jake Novak)
IN THE NEWS * SPORTS
When Panthers players Melvin Tuten and Tutan Reyes are on the
sidelines, the team leads the league in rootin' Tutens. Now if we could
hire a German soccer-style place-kicker as a backup to John Kasay, we'd
have a rootin' Teuton, too. In fact, if he was an upper-crust German
skydiver who flew in from Berlin for the games, there's no disputin'
that he'd be a sky-commutin', high-falutin', field-goal-bootin',
parachutin', rootin' Teuton, too. (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte Observer)
The National Hockey League is headed for a lockout of players. Owners
say union demands would cost them billions. Free dental. (Alan Ray)
Redskins coach Joe Gibbs won Sunday in his NFL return after years in
auto racing. It really showed. Whenever a player came off the field, a
dozen guys filled him up with Gatorade and rotated his cleats and had
him back on the field in twenty-five seconds. (Argus Hamilton)
Another college football poll is out. When an LSU player holds his
index finger high into the air, it can only mean one thing. Somebody
asked him how many classes heâs taking. (Alan Ray)
The Ryder Cup matches this week feature the U.S. team versus Europe at
Oakmont Country Club in Detroit. The advertising market is elite. In an
effort to target the scotch-drinking crowd, Pfizer plans to run
commercials for seven-year-old Viagra. (Argus Hamilton)
The Texas Rangers suspended a pitcher for hurling a chair into the
bleachers and beaning a woman Monday. The first rule of any business is
never kill the customer. If OPEC could grasp this simple concept, the
War on Terror would be over by Tuesday. (Argus Hamilton)
Anybody going to the Anaheim Angels and Texas Rangers game this
weekend? A lot of good seats are still available. If you canât find a
seat just yell into the ranger bullpen, theyâll through one up for you.
(Jay Leno)
Former National League MVP Frank Caminiti was charged with violating
his probation arising from a 2001 cocaine possession conviction. He was
held overnight in the Whitney Houston wing of the Rush Limbaugh
Substance Abuse and Detoxification Center for High Profile
Entertainment and Sports Luminaries. (The Wit Wizard)
Svetlana Kuznetsova defeated Elena Dementieva in a tough match to win
the U.S. Open women's final last night in Flushing. It was the fiercest
battle ever fought by two Russian women in Queens that wasn't in some
way connected to the last parking spot in front of a nail salon. (Jake
Novak)
IN THE NEWS * ENTERTAINMENT
CBS refused to air a two-hour Madonna concert without interruption,
saying that such a broadcast would be in violation of the Geneva
Conventions. (Andy Borowitz)
Michael Jackson has checked into the Betty Ford Rehab center to cure
him of his 12 year old crack habit. (Gard Webster)
If you haven't heard; Oprah Winfrey celebrated the first show of her
19th season by giving every member of the audience a new car. She gave
away 276 cars. We're doing something even better for our audience.
Everybody here will get a picture of me standing next to my 276 cars.
(Jay Leno)
This is an exciting time in New York City. It's fashion week. Earlier
today I was at Rupert G's Hello Deli and I saw two supermodels
splitting a crouton. (David Letterman)
In a Playgirl survey, MSNBC anchorman Keith Olberman was voted the male
journalist women most want to see naked. So in hope of gaining female
votes, President Bush is having Olberman arrested and sent to Abu
Ghraib prison. (Jake Novak)
Federal officials say legal rules won't allow them to honor Martha
Stewart's new request to be sent to prison right away. It's not
Martha's rights they're protecting, it's just that her future cellmates
deserve at least a two week warning. (Jake Novak)
"Playboy" is going to have a nude pictorial of McDonald's workers -
because if there's one thing you think when going into McDonald's it's
'Gee, I wish I could see them naked.'" (David Letterman)
In order to capitalize on the recent public interest in obtaining
assault weapons, several Hollywood studios are preparing movies
glorifying the lives of Dillinger, Capone and others famous for their
use of machine guns. Warren Beatty has reportedly been offered the
title role in "The Return of Dick Tracy." (Stan Kegel)
The Miss America Pageant will be televised on Saturday in Atlantic
City. The pageant says the event encourages women's education by giving
the winner a full college scholarship. That's just what CalTech needs,
bulimics who play the ukulele. (Argus Hamilton)
The Miss America pageant finals are Saturday. Each finalist will say
the one thing she prays for is peace. With her mom. (Alan Ray)
The Emmys will be awarded Sunday. âWest Wingâsâ Martin Sheen is a take
charge president with the wisdom to lead during crisis. Itâs nominated
in the category âBest Science Fictionâ. (Alan Ray)
Martha Stewart asked a federal judge to start her 5-month prison
sentence after deciding that Thanksgiving and Christmas offer a wider
array of possibilities for holiday cell-block craft projects than
Easter. (The Wit Wizard)
Brittney Spears is being considered for a role as a Bond girl in the
next 007 movie. She would play a Russian spy, Natasha Lipsyncha. (Jay
Leno)
Madonna's current visit to Tel Aviv is generating great publicity for
Israel. Not because she's promoting tourism, but the fact that she
entered the country so easily has finally convinced the rest of the
world that Israel really does need that security fence. (Jake Novak)
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are now doing commercials for McDonalds in
France even though Mary Kate has an eating disorder. Actually, Mary
Kate is the perfect person to endorse McDonalds since she already knows
how to throw up. (Jake Novak)
IN THE NEWS * EDUCATION
The United Way released a shocking report to the media on Thursday
revealing that over one-half of the entire workforce in Los Angeles is
functionally illiterate. That's not true. A good seventy-five percent
of our parents are married. (Argus Hamilton)
A report shows the U.S. high school graduation rate lower than that of
other developed nations. American students do score higher on 2 other
levels of achievement. Playstation and X Box. (Alan Ray)
A new study shows that 1 in 4 college students in America is suicidal.
Experts are pretty sure those are the same 1 in 4 college students in
America who pay their own tuition. (Jake Novak)
LEGAL DISCLAIMERS
The statements of Big Brother 2004 is an attempt to make George
Orwellâs prophetic book, written over a half century ago, more relevant
to the 21st century. Any resemblance of the statements of Big Brother
2004 to those of any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
(Stan Kegel)
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AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY
Votings not like sex you know. You're not going to go out and do it
once and then say, "Gee, I'm going to do it again. That was fun."
(James Karpel on trying to get young adults to vote)
What difference does it make how well President Bush avoided combat.
Isn't it just enough to know he avoided it. In these difficult times,
do you really want a President who wasn't smart enough to get out of
going to Vietnam. (Rob Cordrer)
You must be a member of the National Rifle Association if you believe
assault weapons are the only humane way of hunting birds and animals
because they die more rapidly with minimal pain and suffering. (Stan
Kegel)
What's the difference between George W. Bush and John Kerry? Bush is
accused by many of being in bed with a bunch of rich executives with
their own agendas. John Kerry's only in bed with one. (Tom Evans)
Bill Clinton went home Friday only four days after heart surgery. The
procedure is common. It's the second presidential bypass operation in a
year if you count the decision to let Osama bin Laden off the hook in
favor of going after Saddam Hussein. (Argus Hamilton
John Kerry criticized President Bush for not renewing the ban on
assault weapons. Well, you can understand why President Bush doesn't
want to renew the ban. These are the first weapons of mass destruction
that he's been able to find. (Jay Leno)
Have you seen the tripe the TV networks are offering us this fall. It's
hour after hour of the same lame sitcoms, pseudo-news and phony reality
shows. If we had them tested I think we'd find that most network
programmers tend to be extremely banal retentive. (Gary Hallock)
IN THE NEWS * WEB SITE OF THE DAY
Song of the Week; Capital Steps; Fakey Purple Heart
http://www.capsteps.com/sounds/kerry-fakeypurpleheart.mp3 or go to
http://www.capsteps.com for the sons of the past 9 weeks.
White House.Org: "Unprotected":
http://www.georgewbush.org/spots/index.asp> and watch "Four More Wars"
& "Questions" as well
IN THE NEWS * TODAY'S COMIC STRIPS
Hi folks! Are you still confused by color-coded threat levels? Well,
you needn't be! Let me walk you through this simple system! LOW: GREEN
means a low risk of bush losing the election. Citizens should be
vigilant but basically re-elections in the bag. GUARDED: BLUE means the
election is under control but bears monitoring. Citizens should check
to make sure they have registered as Republicans. ELEVATED: YELLOW
means an elevated risk of losing! All citizens should remind each other
how dangerous it is to switch leaders in the middle of a war on terror.
HIGH: ORANGE means a high risk of losing the election! Citizens are
strongly urged to raise the subject of gay marriage! SEVERE: RED means
the President's numbers are in free-fall. Citizens should max out and
the Supreme Court put on High Alert just in case! And remember folks â
No matter what color the day, you either support our President during
our time of crisis or you don't! It's up to you! (Doonesbury: Garry
Trudeau)
"Welcome to 'Ask President Bush, Everyone! You know, some people wonder
why my Dad had 141 press conferences and I've had only 12. The answer
is I don't need 'Filter Conferences' as I call them. I prefer to answer
the people's questions!" "Sir, Can I have your autograph?" "See! Great
question! Great!" (Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)
Bush: "Yes, do you have a question, young lady?" "Yes Sir. Let me just
say first what a thrill it is to have you here, You're even more
resolute in person. I'd like to ask you what your favorite achievement
as president is!" "Oh. Tough question!" "Oh, I'm sorry. Should I
reframe it?" (Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)
"Mr. President, I have a question for you. When I filled out my loyalty
form at the door here I couldn't find a box to check that said,
'Promises not to vote for flip-flopping surrender monkeys," Mr
President, if there had been such a box, I'd have been honored to check
it!" Audience: "Ueah!" Bush: "Wow! Another great question!"
(Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)
Thousands of students heading off to college this month will be
greeted by 'Free-Speech Zones', the only places on campus where they
can speak freely, no matter how politically incorrect the idea.
"Colleges used to thrive on the noisy offensive clash of ideas. Thank
goodness we have put those dark days behind us." "Doesn't designating
'Free Speech Zones' make the rest of campus a speech free zone?" "We
prefer the term, 'Zone of Niceness'!" "That sounds like '1984' when
Orwell saysâ¦" "Ahem, this is not a 'Free Speech Zone!" "Ya don't say."
"Exactly." (Mallard Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)
Producer: "Peter, Mallard Fillmore says the media are ignoring data
that show the rich have paid more taxes since the Bush Tax cuts!"
Peter: "Okay, I guess we'd better do a story." TV: "According to data
from the extremist right-wing Treasury Departmentâ¦" (Mallard Fillmore:
Bruce Tinsley)
TV gets more revolting every season Insipid plots, vile language,
gratuitous violence, ads begging people to vote. On TV: "Hey, all you
young people out there. Get out and vote 'cause it's really hip and
cool, so please if it's not too much troubleâ¦" (Mallard Fillmore: Bruce
Tinsley)
"According to National Review Online, CBO and Treasury Department data
show that the rich have actually paid more in taxes since the Bush Tax
cuts while one million low-income taxpayers have gone off the tax
rolls. Meanwhile the media are heeding their mothers' advise, 'If you
can't say anything bad about tax cuts, don't say anything at all."
(Mallard Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)
[Editor's Note: What this actually means is that the rich are paying
more taxes in spite of a decreased tax rate because of a substantial
increase in their income, while one-million previously tax-paying
Americans are no longer paying taxes because they are no longer
employed or are now working at minimum wage jobs.]
"Hmmm. This article makes a great case for replacing our income tax
with a national sales tax, but goes on to say that John Kerry won't
even consider it. Wow! Two great cases for a national sales tax."
(Mallard Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)
TV: "John Kerry is a lying, cowardly man who betrayed his country,
disrespected the armed forces, misrepresented his military record, shot
children in the back and engaged in questionable activity with a
Cambodian goat. But we honor his service to his country." (Boondocks:
Aaron McGruder)
Kid: "When I grow up I want to be a swing voter. I want to vote for
whoever can say just the right last-minute words to make me ignore his
record or dishonesty or incompetence. I want to chose a president based
on who I'd have an imaginary beer with." "Some kids are too into trendy
fads." (Candorville: Darrin Bell)
The President has been accused by opponents of stifling dissent in
advance of the November election. His opponents claim the President is
afraid of hearing opposing views and surrounds himself only with
"yes-men". The President is expected to refute that in a speech at a
local eatery on Monday, At he eatery: "A loyalty oath?" "Sign it in
blood." (Candorville: Darrin Bell)
IN THE NEWS * HURRICANES
Dick Chaney has a message for Florida residents: "If you vote for John
Kerry, you will be hit (by hurricanes) again, and again, and again,
andâ¦" (M. e. Cohen)
Orlando theme parks closed for Hurricane Frances' arrival, but long
lines on the highways and rampant price gouging by merchants meant
tourists didn't have to miss out on the Disney experience. (Jim
Barach)
Bush toured the hurricane damage in Florida and Bush really looked
surprised at places boarded up for reasons other than his economic
policies. (Jay Leno)
Hurricane Ivan was predicted Friday to pummel Florida today with the
state's third devastating hurricane in just the past three weeks. It's
no coincidence. Nobody's life or property can be considered safe when
the U.S. Congress is in session. (Argus Hamilton)
Hurricane Ivan roared through the Caribbean Sea Sunday, hauling
Category Five winds toward the U.S. mainland. It's starting to look
like terrorism. The Weather Channel ran a video Thursday from the
leader of El Nino stating the group's demands. (Argus Hamilton)
The hurricanes hit Cuba so hard that some Cubans who were not baseball
players landed in Florida. (Jay Leno)
New Orleans was warned to evacuate Tuesday due to the uncertainty over
where Hurricane Ivan might land. Not everyone minded the evacuation
order. The jazz community in the French Quarter never needs any
encouragement to seek higher ground. (Argus Hamilton)
House being blown away by the hurricane: "That's the nice thing about
Florida. We can stay at home and still rack up frequent flyer miles."
(Mike Keefe, The Denver Post)
Cheney: "We found a direct link between hurricanes and al_Quada, and
making the wrong choice in the election will increase the chance of
hurricanes! (Jimmy Margulies, The New Jersey Record)
I was hoping (Hurricane) Ivan would force Amtrak to shut down, so the
headlines could read: "Ivan Working On The Railroad." (Lowrie Beacham)
The Gulf Coast picks up from hurricane Ivan. Meanwhile, Florida braces
for yet another devastating disaster. The election! (Alan Ray)
IN THE NEWS * ASSAULT WEAPONS
The assault weapons ban expires on Monday. Thank God, I can go back to
shooting ducks with my uzi. (David Letterman)
The federal ban on assault rifles is over. The freedom to possess an
AK-47 has immediate implications. High school kids will need much
bigger backpacks. (Alan Ray)
South Florida residents own as many guns as the North Korean army,
although ours are generally of a higher caliber. (Dave Berry)
Moosehead on wall riddled with bullet holes. Man says proudly, "And I
bagged this bad boy the day after the assault weapons ban expired!"
(Mike Keefe, The Denver Post)
Bush: I'd stop at nothing to keep assault weapons off the street!"
Reporter: "But, Sir. You did nothing to extend the ban on them." Bush:
"Right. Then I stopped." (Steve Kelley, The New Orleans Times-Picayune)
Despite a decade of plummeting crime rates, Congress has allowed the
1994 ban on assault weapons to expire. Ironically, the cause of the
bill's death ⦠multiple bullet wounds. (Jon Stewart)
Expired Present: Picture of Assault Weapon
Expired Future: Multiple tombstones inscribed "Assault Weapon Victims"
(Jack Ohman, The Portland Oregonian)
IN THE NEWS * THE MEDIA
Republicans are warning CBS anchor Dan Rather to stop investigating
President Bush's National Guard service... or else. Just to make sure
Rather gets the message, they're having New York cops beat up Mike
Wallace one more time. (Jake Novak)
Two men examining "CBS Bush Memos" with magnifying glasses: "This "New
Times Roman" font with superscript appear totally consistent with 1970s
IBM typefaces." "Nonsense! The Selectric 307-AB2 could never have
formatted with this kerning! Furthermoreâ¦" (Steve Carlson, Milwaukee
Sentinel)
A new report shows that despite warnings from experts that the
documents were low quality and could not authenticated, CBS still aired
the story about President Bush's alleged National Guard service memos.
But if CBS always refused to broadcast low-quality items, it never
would be able to air "Two and Half Men," "Yes Dear," or "The Amazing
Race." (Jake Novak)
Did you hear this? "60 minutes" has a new policy. From now on they're
going to spend at least "60 minutes" verifying their stories. (Jay
Leno)
Earlier this week, '60 Minutes' featured documents that they say proved
President Bush did not fulfill his requirements for National Guard
service. Well, now there's talk that the documents are forged. Well, of
course, President Bush is stunned. He said, 'You mean I did show up for
duty? (Jay Leno)
There's a lot of controversy surrounding the authenticity of this memos
shown on '60 Minutes' concerning President Bush and his service in the
National Guard. If there's one thing you don't want to see, it's a
president who didn't really win the election being brought down by
phony documents. (Jay Leno)
President Bush told reporters today that he âdoubtedâ that the Texas
National Guard memos discovered by CBS last week could be authentic
because âI know exactly where the real ones are hidden.â(Andy Borowitz)
White House officials say they knew all along that the memos shown on
"60 Minutes" attacking President Bush's National Guard duty were fakes.
But that's only because they were written by the same guy they paid to
forge documents proving there were WMDs in Iraq. (Jake Novak)
Dan Rather says there are some answered questions. Really. The last
time a TV show had so many unanswered questions was when Jessica
Simpson was on Jeopardy. (Jay Leno)
CBS. You know what CBS stands for ⦠"Cock and Bull Story". (Jay Leno)
Article in current "Cosmo": "How You Can Tell If Dan Rather Is Faking
It" (Cosmo Cover)
IN THE NEWS * GEORGE W. BUSH & DICK CHENEY
Bush & Chaney watching coffins draped in American flags on a conveyer
belt into a cargo plane. Bush: I guess their daddies didn't know the
right people. (Nick Anderson, The Louisville Courier-Journal)
Cheney reading a bedtime story to a boy in an Uncle Sam hat: "And then
the Big Bad Kerry invited a terrorist attack on America." (Daryl Cagle,
Slate)
Cheney explains: "What I meant was ⦠Even if we're reelected, and we
are again hit by terrorists, it's still John Kerry's fault. (J. D.
Stone)
Vice President Dick Cheney denied saying that if John Kerry were
elected the United States would have another terrorist attack. Cheney
explained, what I actually said was that if Kerry were elected I would
have a heart attack. (Conan O'Brien)
TV: George Bush ignored warnings about 9/11⦠Said Iraqis would welcome
our troops with open arms⦠Said we knew where WMDs were. Said oil would
pay for the war and we don't need a military draft. (Bruce Plante, The
Chattanooga Times Free Press)
If you accept the statement, "I think, therefore I am," does it mean
President Bush -- isn't? (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte Observer)
President Bush says he is now working on a plan to destabilize the
Cuban economy and drive it into huge deficits. He knows it works
because he's been testing it here since the day he took office. (Jay
Leno)
President Bush spoke to a meeting of the National Guard in Las Vegas
today. Boy, a lot of those guys were excited to see him. Well, sure, a
lot of them have been waiting since the early '70s. (Jay Leno)
Dick Cheney says the economic numbers don't take into account all the
people making money on eBay. Yeah, if you lose your job, you've got to
sell your car, your clothes, your house. (Jay Leno)
Dick Cheney is saying there is great risk if John Kerry wins. Yeah, the
risk is that President Bush won't be able to find another job. (David
Letterman)
It's been reported that the White House called the producers of the
'Today' show and asked them not to air anymore interviews with an
author of a new book that's critical of President Bush. I guess they
mean business, because at the end of the call they said, "Do as we say,
or you'll be asking where in the world is Matt Lauer?" (Conan O'Brien)
IN THE NEWS * JOHN KERRY & JOHN EDWARDS
John Kerry at the supermarket: "Plastic. No, paper. No, wait...I may
not want either kind. No, I want paper. Yes! Definitely paper! Or
plastic. "OK, this is definitely my decision: Paper. "No, wait. On
second thought, I don't want any groceries at all. Just some Heinz
ketchup." (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte Observer)
John Kerry unveiled his new campaign slogan: A mind is a terrible thing
to make up. (Jay Leno)
One of the commentators on MSNBC was saying that John Kerry seems to be
a man who likes himself. Well, you know, opposites attract. (Jay Leno)
John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he
still can't explain what John Kerry stands for. (David Letterman)
It's been reported that a record made by a band that John Kerry was in
during college has been bought for $2,500. Meanwhile, the White House
said that President Bush was in a college band, but that all the
records have been lost. (Conan O'Brien)
Teresa Heinz Kerry said today that only an idiot would fail to support
her husband's healthcare plan. See I'm confused, I thought she was John
Kerry's healthcare plan. And his economic plan, and his retirement
plan. Am I wrong? (Jay Leno)
The Republicans are now accusing John Kerry of using rich friends to
help him get into Vietnam. (David Letterman)
John Kerry in Ohio Tuesday called Iraq the wrong war at the wrong time.
It's exhausting. Every time President Bush thinks of a new reason why
he went to war in Iraq, John Kerry has to think of two new reasons why
he was for it and against it. (Argus Hamilton)
John Kerry's favorable ratings tumbled this week as he trailed
President Bush by double digits. He's sinking fast. John Kerry's only
hope is a debate format that's suited to his skills, but the Secret
Service would never allow the president to duel. (Argus Hamilton)
John Kerry and his service in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It
all took place in Vietnam and now it just won't go away. I was thinking
about this -- if John Kerry had just ducked the war like everybody else
he wouldn't have this trouble. (David Letterman)
John Kerry hired President Clinton's former White House press secretary
Mike McCurry on Tuesday. He will be bored out of his mind. When you've
worked for Indiana Jones, the problems of Thurston Howell III don't
really get your blood pumping. (Argus Hamilton)
John Kerry told seniors in Milwaukee Tuesday that the White House is
hiding the truth about higher Medicare premiums. The good news is, he
reminds a lot of seniors of Humphrey Bogart. The bad news is, it's
Humphrey Bogart in The Big Sleep. (Argus Hamilton)
A copy of the 1961 Electras album featuring John Kerry on bass sells
for $2,000 on eBay. Kerry likes the old vinyl records compared to
today's CDs, because they have two sides. (Jim Barach)
IN THE NEWS * THE CLINTONS
Now that former U.S. President William Jefferson Clinton is
recuperating from recent heart problems, an interviewer inquired about
his experience and asked if he might tell the public about his pain.
"Well," began Clinton, "the pain reminded me of John Kerry." "In what
way," asked the interviewer. "It was dull," said Clinton, "it was a
dull pain; and it kept shifting from side to side." (David J. Wardell)
Former President Clinton is expected to be released from the hospital
and he'll be able to go home. Clinton was excited about it and said, I
never thought I'd be this eager to put my pants on. (Conan O'Brien)
President Clinton is doing well after his bypass surgery on Monday. But
he's still heavily sedated on painkillers. In fact, he's still so loopy
that yesterday he accidentally hit on Hillary (David Letterman)
Since Bill Clinton's operation, the number of patients complaining of
similar chest pains has increased dramatically. Doctors are calling the
trend the Bill Clinton Syndrome. That's true. Yeah, before the
operation the Bill Clinton Syndrome was characterized as a burning
sensation in the groin. (Conan O'Brien)
IN THE NEWS * RALPH NADER
According to the latest poll today, Ralph Nader is down to 1 percent of
the popular vote. 1 percent! That's embarrassing. He's even trailing
low-fat milk, that's 2 percent. (Jay Leno)
IN THE NEWS * THE REPUBLICANS
Conservative commentator Pat Buchanan is attacking Republicans for
abandoning their values. Republicans are responding by asking: "We have
values?" (Jake Novak)
You know why there are no Republicans on Star Trek? Because it's set
in the future. (Will Durst)
IN THE NEWS * THE DEMOCRATS
Only a Democrat would believe that most Americans get their news from
sources other than Fox News and talk shows, (Stan Kegel)
1984 ⢠20 YEARS LATER
I am a compassionate Republican but no woman or young girl has the
right to decide whether to stop a pregnancy even if she were raped.
(Big Brother 2004)
IN THE NEWS * THE POLLS
According to polls by the Annenberg Public Policy Center, before the
Democratic convention, 57 percent of veterans thought President Bush
was a "stronger leader" than John Kerry. Shortly after the convention,
only 43 percent thought Bush was stronger. And a month later, the
center says, 56 percent felt Bush is the stronger leader. Oh, horrors!
Do you realize what this means? The voters are flip-flopping. They're
so unreliable. (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte Observer)
The reelection bid of President George W. Bush received some positive
news today in the form of a new poll showing voters giving him high
marks in the war on CBS newsman Dan Rather. The poll asked likely
voters, "Who do you trust more in the war against Dan Rather, President
Bush or Sen. John Kerry?" According to the survey, 97% chose President
Bush while only 2% said Mr. Kerry was better equipped to fight the war
on Rather. (Andy Borowitz)
IN THE NEWS * THE DEBATES
Now the candidate are arguing over the exact format these debates will
take. Kerry wants to stand behind a podium, Bush wants to stand behind
Dick Cheney. (Jay Leno)
IN THE NEWS ⢠THE STATES
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill Friday outlawing anybody
having sex with a corpse in California. The practice was fairly
widespread. However with one stroke of the pen, he put every estate
attorney in Beverly Hills out of business. (Argus Hamilton) .
15 state governors have now received booby-trapped letters rigged to
set fire when opened. The only Governor safe from these attacks in Jim
McGreevey, because he's already flaming. (Jake Novak)
A measure on Oregonâs ballot would allow possession of 1lb. of pot for
medical use. Proponents are optimistic. They may not win the vote, but
the post election party should really be something. (Alan Ray)
IN THE NEWS * CONGRESS
The U.S. House has voted itself a pay raise. The purpose is to offset
the high cost of living. A bribe doesnât go as far as it used to. (Alan
Ray)
IN THE NEWS * TERRORISM
President Bush, who has been saying all along that "of course" we can
win the war against terrorism, said in a recent television interview
that, "I don't think you can win it." Well, we think it's a damn shame.
But if the war on terrorism is unwinnable, we know who is to blame,
don't we? That flip-flopping John Kerry! (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte
Observer)
Two terrorists in a cave in Afghanistan: "Cheney's right! The second
Kerry is elected. We attack!" "And because of Iraq, we've had plenty of
time to plan it!" (John Heller, The Green Bay Press-Gazettte)
Dick Cheney said that if John Kerry wins, there will be another attack.
Then Cheney said, if Bush wins, I'll call it off. (Conan O'Brien)
IN THE NEWS * BUSINESS & THE ECONOMY
Michael Eisner announced Friday he will step down as head of the Walt
Disney Company. Shareholder meetings had become town mobs. If Disney
shareholders have anything to say about it, he will get the same
severance package as Marie Antoinette. (Argus Hamilton)
Vice President Dick Cheney made a stop at a Wal-Mart today, Cheney said
that Wal-Mart is a great American institution. Well, that's true, all
the workers are Mexican and all the stuff's made in China. (Jay Leno)
Redmond, WA - Microsoft Corporation has reconfirmed its commitment to
bringing the "total PC experience" to Macintosh computer users. MS
software developers this week announced the latest version of its
"Windows for Macintosh" bundle comes with MyDoom, Bagle, SoBig,
LovSan/Blaster and Melissa already installed. "We're saddened that
nobody bothers to write crippling hacks for the Mac OS any more," said
Chief Software Architect Bill Gates. "We know Mac people have been
feeling left out for a very long time now, and we want to welcome them
back into the family." (Dave's Daily)
Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan says the economy is finally showing 'signs
of traction.' Apparently our jobs are leaving the country so fast,
they're leaving skid marks now. (Caboom)
International Trucks unveiled a monster truck Monday that's four feet
longer and twice as heavy as the Hummer. The price is a hundred grand.
It's advertised as the world's largest production pick-up now that Bill
Clinton must lose weight or die. (Argus Hamilton)
IN THE NEWS * IRAQ
My bet is that the ill winds that are blowing in Iraq will eventually
cause a draft in the United States (Fred Barling)
Why haven't the US military given up power to the Iraqi's?
They are afraid of Premature Iraqi-nation. (Daily Groaner)
The U.S. has hired Saddam's former generals to fight the insurgents in
Iraq. Returning Baathists to power is part of the Bush Administration's
new strategy. Operation: Back to Square One. (Alan Ray)
Secretary of State Colin Powell vowed that the insurgency "will be
brought under control" ... And Paris Hilton will enter the Carmelites
... Ivana and the Donald will remarry ... Boy George will have a son
... Howard Stern will say something funny ... Mike Tyson will win a
Nobel Peace Prize ... Kathy Lee Gifford will wake up one morning
with perfect pitch ... Chris Rock will work clean ... Pete Rose
will . . . (The Wit Wizard)
IN THE NEWS * GREAT BRITAIN
Amid protests, Britain's House of Commons votes to outlaw fox hunts.
It's still legal in the US as long as the hunters carry assault rifles.
(The Wit Wizard)
.IN THE NEWS * INTERNATIONAL
A protester dressed as Batman has scaled a wall at Buckingham Palace,
causing huge embarrassment for Britain's security forces. But the
incident is even more embarrassing for the folks at Warner Borthers
Studios, who could have prevented this whole incident if they had just
made Val Kilmer give his costume back. (Jake Novak)
North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il today threw cold water on speculation
that a massive explosion in his country last week was the result of a
nuclear weapons test, explaining that the two-mile-wide mushroom cloud
originated at a concert by the singer/entertainer Cher. `(Argus
Hamilton)
The Chinese government has executed four executives from state-run
banks for fraud. Americans are reacting to the news by asking whether
we can extradite Ken Lay and Bernie Ebbers to China (Jake Novak)
IN THE NEWS * HEALTH & SCIENCE
The Great Britain edition of Good Housekeeping reports one out of four
English women prefer housecleaning to sex with men. Well, vacuum
cleaners have eight attachments. Men only have one. (Jay Leno)
Today some French scientists announced that they have cloned a rat.
Thank God! This will solve that big rat shortage. - (David Letterman)
The U.S. government says seat belt use is at an all-time high. It's not
because we're more safety-conscious, it's just that we're desperate to
use anything that makes our stomachs look thinner. (Jake Novak)
IN THE NEWS * SPORTS
When Panthers players Melvin Tuten and Tutan Reyes are on the
sidelines, the team leads the league in rootin' Tutens. Now if we could
hire a German soccer-style place-kicker as a backup to John Kasay, we'd
have a rootin' Teuton, too. In fact, if he was an upper-crust German
skydiver who flew in from Berlin for the games, there's no disputin'
that he'd be a sky-commutin', high-falutin', field-goal-bootin',
parachutin', rootin' Teuton, too. (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte Observer)
The National Hockey League is headed for a lockout of players. Owners
say union demands would cost them billions. Free dental. (Alan Ray)
Redskins coach Joe Gibbs won Sunday in his NFL return after years in
auto racing. It really showed. Whenever a player came off the field, a
dozen guys filled him up with Gatorade and rotated his cleats and had
him back on the field in twenty-five seconds. (Argus Hamilton)
Another college football poll is out. When an LSU player holds his
index finger high into the air, it can only mean one thing. Somebody
asked him how many classes heâs taking. (Alan Ray)
The Ryder Cup matches this week feature the U.S. team versus Europe at
Oakmont Country Club in Detroit. The advertising market is elite. In an
effort to target the scotch-drinking crowd, Pfizer plans to run
commercials for seven-year-old Viagra. (Argus Hamilton)
The Texas Rangers suspended a pitcher for hurling a chair into the
bleachers and beaning a woman Monday. The first rule of any business is
never kill the customer. If OPEC could grasp this simple concept, the
War on Terror would be over by Tuesday. (Argus Hamilton)
Anybody going to the Anaheim Angels and Texas Rangers game this
weekend? A lot of good seats are still available. If you canât find a
seat just yell into the ranger bullpen, theyâll through one up for you.
(Jay Leno)
Former National League MVP Frank Caminiti was charged with violating
his probation arising from a 2001 cocaine possession conviction. He was
held overnight in the Whitney Houston wing of the Rush Limbaugh
Substance Abuse and Detoxification Center for High Profile
Entertainment and Sports Luminaries. (The Wit Wizard)
Svetlana Kuznetsova defeated Elena Dementieva in a tough match to win
the U.S. Open women's final last night in Flushing. It was the fiercest
battle ever fought by two Russian women in Queens that wasn't in some
way connected to the last parking spot in front of a nail salon. (Jake
Novak)
IN THE NEWS * ENTERTAINMENT
CBS refused to air a two-hour Madonna concert without interruption,
saying that such a broadcast would be in violation of the Geneva
Conventions. (Andy Borowitz)
Michael Jackson has checked into the Betty Ford Rehab center to cure
him of his 12 year old crack habit. (Gard Webster)
If you haven't heard; Oprah Winfrey celebrated the first show of her
19th season by giving every member of the audience a new car. She gave
away 276 cars. We're doing something even better for our audience.
Everybody here will get a picture of me standing next to my 276 cars.
(Jay Leno)
This is an exciting time in New York City. It's fashion week. Earlier
today I was at Rupert G's Hello Deli and I saw two supermodels
splitting a crouton. (David Letterman)
In a Playgirl survey, MSNBC anchorman Keith Olberman was voted the male
journalist women most want to see naked. So in hope of gaining female
votes, President Bush is having Olberman arrested and sent to Abu
Ghraib prison. (Jake Novak)
Federal officials say legal rules won't allow them to honor Martha
Stewart's new request to be sent to prison right away. It's not
Martha's rights they're protecting, it's just that her future cellmates
deserve at least a two week warning. (Jake Novak)
"Playboy" is going to have a nude pictorial of McDonald's workers -
because if there's one thing you think when going into McDonald's it's
'Gee, I wish I could see them naked.'" (David Letterman)
In order to capitalize on the recent public interest in obtaining
assault weapons, several Hollywood studios are preparing movies
glorifying the lives of Dillinger, Capone and others famous for their
use of machine guns. Warren Beatty has reportedly been offered the
title role in "The Return of Dick Tracy." (Stan Kegel)
The Miss America Pageant will be televised on Saturday in Atlantic
City. The pageant says the event encourages women's education by giving
the winner a full college scholarship. That's just what CalTech needs,
bulimics who play the ukulele. (Argus Hamilton)
The Miss America pageant finals are Saturday. Each finalist will say
the one thing she prays for is peace. With her mom. (Alan Ray)
The Emmys will be awarded Sunday. âWest Wingâsâ Martin Sheen is a take
charge president with the wisdom to lead during crisis. Itâs nominated
in the category âBest Science Fictionâ. (Alan Ray)
Martha Stewart asked a federal judge to start her 5-month prison
sentence after deciding that Thanksgiving and Christmas offer a wider
array of possibilities for holiday cell-block craft projects than
Easter. (The Wit Wizard)
Brittney Spears is being considered for a role as a Bond girl in the
next 007 movie. She would play a Russian spy, Natasha Lipsyncha. (Jay
Leno)
Madonna's current visit to Tel Aviv is generating great publicity for
Israel. Not because she's promoting tourism, but the fact that she
entered the country so easily has finally convinced the rest of the
world that Israel really does need that security fence. (Jake Novak)
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are now doing commercials for McDonalds in
France even though Mary Kate has an eating disorder. Actually, Mary
Kate is the perfect person to endorse McDonalds since she already knows
how to throw up. (Jake Novak)
IN THE NEWS * EDUCATION
The United Way released a shocking report to the media on Thursday
revealing that over one-half of the entire workforce in Los Angeles is
functionally illiterate. That's not true. A good seventy-five percent
of our parents are married. (Argus Hamilton)
A report shows the U.S. high school graduation rate lower than that of
other developed nations. American students do score higher on 2 other
levels of achievement. Playstation and X Box. (Alan Ray)
A new study shows that 1 in 4 college students in America is suicidal.
Experts are pretty sure those are the same 1 in 4 college students in
America who pay their own tuition. (Jake Novak)
LEGAL DISCLAIMERS
The statements of Big Brother 2004 is an attempt to make George
Orwellâs prophetic book, written over a half century ago, more relevant
to the 21st century. Any resemblance of the statements of Big Brother
2004 to those of any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
(Stan Kegel)
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