arizona humor Weakly Humerus News for 09-10-04
WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS for 09-10-04
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY
We have a presidential election coming up. And I think the big problem,
of course, is that someone will win. (Barry Crimmins)
Bush pointing to picture of Kerry: Vote for him and there's no telling
what you'll get. Vote for me and you know exactly what you're getting.
(Chip Bok, The Akron Beacon-Journal)
We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special report. The Terror
Alert level has been heightened to Orange. The President fears the
nation has become unafraid. He cautions we are still vulnerable and a
catastrophic terrorist attack is not only inevitable, but probably
imminent. Mr. Bush reminds us our best defense against terrorism is to
carry on with our lives as usual. He warns us not to give in to fear;
if we do, the terrorists will win. So, we now return you to our
regularly scheduled program already in progress. Please try to enjoy.
(Author Unknown)
The A. C. L. U. today named The Men's Warehouse the "2004 Corporation
of the Year" for its guarantee of a free press. (Stan Kegel)
President Bush kicked off the Labor Day weekend with a surprise visit
to workers in Bangalore, India. (Ed Stein, The Rocky Mountain News)
Did you read this strange story of a woman that was caught trying pass
a counterfeit $200 bill with a picture of George Bush on it? Turns out
there is also a John Kerry bill -- pretty realistic, he's on both
sides. (Jay Leno)
Charley, Frances, maybe Ivan... seems like these Hurricanes are God's
warning to Florida _ in the tradition of Rev. Jerry Falwell or Pat
Robertson or whoever saying that the attacks on the twin towers was
"God's Judgment for America's declining moral values" - warning
Florida, "YOU_D BETTER NOT SCREW UP THE ELECTIONS LIKE YOU DID IN THE
YEAR 2000!!!" (Randall Woodman)
Nowadays, men of so-called Presidential timber are mostly bark.
(Venkatech).
Many GOP delegates laughingly adorned themselves with small purple
hearts, thus mocking a decoration honoring bloodied veterans who faced
the horrors of war fighting for our country. Ha, Ha, Ha. Isn't that
funny? (Don Wright, The Palm Beach Post)
IN THE NEWS * WEB SITES TO VISIT
The 10 Dumbest Quotes of Campaign 2004
Political Posters (Pro Kerry):
To Be A Republican http://www.kinseysicks.com/audio/republican.mp3
IN THE NEWS * TODAY'S COMIC STRIPS
Gay Conservative talk host: "We're back. Some weeks ago, Senae
Republicans proposed a constitutional amendment banning gay marriages
in order to protect the sanctity of straight marriages from, who knows,
gay cooties, I guess. The amendment never had a chance, of course. It
had no purpose other than to inflame the electorate!. But as a married
gay couple, Mark and I are puzzled." Mark: "Mystified, really."
"Shouldn't my fellow conservatives support our entering into a union
that promotes commitment, responsibility and fidelity?" "You'd think."
"Never mind we're thinking of getting divorced." "So we're a little
ahead of the curve. Big Whoop!" (Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)
At the Republican Convention: "Mark, I'm now talking to a 40ish medium
build white bald guy about the homeless problem" "Homeless problem?
What homeless proble? Who talks bout the homeless any more? Homeless is
so over!" "Oh? Bad news, Mark. I've been living a lie!" "Go home and
think it over, El." (Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)
"I say Martin Sheen's got the election all sewn up! He's strong, but
sensitive, decisive but introspectiveâ¦" "Uh. He's really not the
President." "Did I mention that he is occasionally Hispanic?" (Mallard
Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)
Kerry: "And so we must ask ourselves whether or not it is fair that
under the Bush Administration, one American wins over a million dollars
on 'Jeoprady' while all those other Americans get nothing!" (Mallard
Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)
Kerry: Is it fair that under the Bush administration, one guy can win
over a million bucks on "Jeopardy" while others get nothing! And all
for answering questions when, as everyone knows, the same question can
have lots of answers depending on what day it is and who you're
speaking to⦠(Mallard Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)
Kerry: Under the Bush administration, one man has hogged over one
million bucks on 'Jeopardy' while the rest get nothing. Under my plan,
they'd still get nothing, of course, but with the satisfaction of
knowing we were going to tax Ken Jenning's smarty pants off!" (Mallard
Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)
"I'm George W. Bush and I approve this message." "Recently urban youth
have been receiving a lot of messages about voting. Some of it may be
confusing.. Is there reading involved? How do I work the voting
machine? Am I legally allowed to vote if I'm a felon? Politics is very
complicated an if you're unsure about the issues or your voting status,
you could be embarrassed even arrested, if you try to vote. And
depending on where you live, your vote may not even count! So before
you get up and go all the way to the polls, ask yourself, 'Is it really
worth it?'" "No Way Homie!!" Sign: Voting: If it ain't worth it, Homie
(Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)
The Stem Cell Fiasco. Caught lying? Say anything!: Cheney: "Of course,
we didn't know we were getting intelligence from the ODB. It was the
CIA's fault." Rice: "We still believe that stem cell researchers and
their life-saving cures were a credible threat to this country. We did
the right thing." Bush: "Regardless of whether or not they were
actually terrorists, we can all agree the world is a better place with
those scientists dead!" (Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)
"Stem cell drama: To weather the storm you must think on your feet:
"Mr. President, did you deliberately exaggerate to the public about the
dangers of stem-cell research." "Um⦠There's a um⦠terror alert for umâ¦
this building and" "You tried that yesterday, Mr. President."
(Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)
The Stem wars: Epilogue: Destroy Kerry by asking him a really stupid
question: Bush: "Today, I have a simple yes-or-no question for my
opponent, 'Would you still support the elimination of terrorist stem
cell scientists even if they aren't necessarily terrorists?'" 'cause
he's stupid enough to answer it: Kerry: "I've been very clear on this.
Scientists are not terrorists. Yes, I would have killed them anyway.
But I would have asked our allies to help us!" (Boondocks: Aaron
McGruder)
"Is there anyone who still doesn't think deep down that the President
didn't lie about Iraq?" "Yeah, the same people who think Sarah Jessica
Parker actually shops at The Gap." (Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)
"The Democrats will make America a bright shining city." "The
Republicans will make America a spectacular bright shining city." "A
land of kindness, love, wealth and joy!" "The very land that God
Intended." "An end to disease." "Goodbye, common cold." Observer:
"Dueling Optimists" (Rudy Park: Bell & Heir)
"Why don't Latinos vote more?" "Because it's free. If you charged to
vote, then Latinos would vote all the time! Maybe if voting had a good
layaway plan or charged 2.9% interest, and if 'voting' was a really
tricked out truck!" (La Cucaracha: Luis Alcaraz)
I'ts obvious why Latinos and people in general don't vote. If the
candidates who ran for office were more interesting and had a lot more
credibility, maybe we'd vote for them. Posters "Cheech '04 I took
Spanish and got a 'B'" "Chong '04 Some pot in every pot." "I see your
pointâ¦"(La Cucaracha: Luis Alcaraz)
"Actress Rosario Dawson and singer J. Lo. are out motivating young
Latinos to vote." "No way! That's a lie!" "No, it isn't!" "Prove to me
that J. Lo. is a singer." (La Cucaracha: Luis Alcaraz)
1984: The problem with gays is there's no commitment in their
relationships. Their promiscuity is a threat to traditional
institutions like marriage.
2004: The problem with gays is they want to get married, That's a
threat to traditional institutions like marriage. (Candorville: Darrin
Bell)
"So, how were things on the Raw Deal express?" "For two rich guys, Mr.
Kerry and Mr. Edwards seemed nice enough. For a couple of Republicans,
that is." "Winslow, they're Democrats!" "They certainly hide it well."
"You would too, if you had their voting record." (Prickly City: Scott
Stantis)
IN THE NEWS * THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION
"Tonight at the Republican National Convention, in what was called the
biggest speach of his career, President Bush took on his enemy, the
English language." --Jay Leno
George Bush accepted the nomination and promised that if he's
re-elected he promised to start reading memos. Thats a good sign.
(David Letterman)
Now that Bush has accepted the nomination the next step, of course, is
the rigging of the voting machines. (David Letterman)
For the first 2 nights, the Republicans played the role of
mild-mannered Bruce Banner -- courageous, compassionate. But last
night, the green, monstrously muscled and angry face they tried to hard
to conceal finally tore through their t-shirt of civility and announced
to the world, you wouldn't like us when we're angry. ... Last night,
the Republican faithful were angry. After four years of being in charge
of the House, Senate, Supreme Court and Executive branch, they were not
gonna take it anymore. ... Yeah! Down with the people who are already
down! (Jon Stewart)
In his speech tonight, President Bush said that America should create
an ownership society. For example, if you're homeless, buy a home.
Don't have a job? Buy a company, give yourself a job. These are simple
solutions. (Jay Leno)
Speaking about President Bush last night, Zell Miller said, 'I have
knocked on the door of this man's soul and found someone home.' See, he
originally tried to knock on the soul of Dick Cheney, but it had
already been sold to the oil companies. So, he went to the president
instead. (Jay Leno)
Don King was at the convention. He is a big Republican. He has given
out a lot of Tyson's money. He wasn't there for the convention. He was
at Madison Square Garden to promote the big Chris Matthews/Zell Miller
fight. ... Zell Miller was just crazy. Chris Matthews was trying to
interview him. The secret service had to take him down with a
tranquilizer (Jay Leno)
That's Democratic Georgia Senator Zell Miller, building that bridge to
the 18th century. (Jon Stewart, on Zell Miller challenging Chris
Matthews to a duel)
There were so many journalists that I actually saw a news anchor being
interviewed by a print journalist while being recorded by a film crew.
(Scott Stantis, The Birmingham News)
Senator Zell Miller addressed the GOP Convention. He was once chief of
staff for Lester Maddox, he nominated Bill Clinton and now he's
endorsed George Bush. If they ever teach evolution in Southern schools,
it will be all about Zell Miller. (Argus Hamilton)
Arnold Schwarzenegger told the convention how he was welcomed to
America when all he could speak was German. That's nothing. His father
could only speak German and he was welcomed to Poland, France, and
Russia, if they knew what was good for them. (Argus Hamilton)
Elsewhere, the security team responsible for the Republican National
Convention was still trying to determine how a lunatic slipped into
Madison Square Garden and delivered the keynote address. (Andy
Borowitz)
1984 ⢠20 YEARS LATER
As a Compassionate Republican I believe a woman can't be trusted with
decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations should be
allowed make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.
(George Orwell)
All people were created equal but the rich are more equal than others,
(Big Brother 2004)
IN THE NEWS * GEORGE W. BUSH & DICK CHENEY
One of the things President Bush wants the astronauts to do on the Moon
is look for fuel. See, apparently the Marines didn't find enough in
Iraq. (Bill Williams)
New reports say that when President Bush was in the Air National Guard,
many of his superiors were politically pressured to give him good
evaluations even though he didn't show up for duty. That's kind of like
what happens every day on the FOX News Channel. (Jake Novak)
On the theme of President Bush's acceptance speech at the Republican
National Convention: "In the end, this is an election campaign focused
squarely on the future. ... In other words, vote for George Bush - so
he can finish the work he hasn't begun yet." (Jon Stewart)
It was so hot, I was sweatinâ like President Bush trying to make up his
mind on the war on terrorism! (Jay Leno)
There Ãs a new book out that says President Bush used marijuana while
in the National Guard. When President Bush heard the news he said, "See
I told you I was in the National Guard!" (David Letterman)
In a shocking new book by Kitty Kelley, acquaintances of President Bush
say that when he was in the National Guard that he liked to sneak out
back for a joint or go in the bathroom and do cocaine. Isn't that
unbelievable? They actually found people who saw Bush in the National
Guard. (Jay Leno)
According to a new book, when President Bush was on National Guard duty
he would sometimes sneak off to smoke marijuana and snort cocaine. When
he heard this, President Bush said, "That's ridiculous. I never showed
up for National Guard duty."(Conan O'Brien)
At the President's stop in Ohio, 5,000 people gathered to cheer his
record on jobs. Then they all flew back to India. (David Letterman)
During a speech in Poplar Bluff, Missouri Monday, George W. Bush began
to rail against âfrivolous [medical] lawsuitsâ that he claims boost the
price of health care and push doctors out of business. Then he tabled a
strange reason for getting tough on the suits. âWe've got an issue in
America. Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many
OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this
country.â He appeared unfazed by his strange choice of words though and
moved on with his speech. (Strange But True)
Millions of Americans tuned in to 60 Minutes this week to see an
interview with a man who said he regrets giving George W. Bush a
coveted job he didn't deserve. But they were all disappointed when it
turned out the guy getting interviewed wasn't Chief Justice Rehnquist.
(Jake Novak)
Recently, President Bush was in Queens, New York. I think this is where
President Bush gets a little confused. Like he told the residents of
Queens that while he respects their lifestyle, he's still against them
getting married." (Jay Leno)
In an interview with USA Today, former first lady Barbara Bush says she
tries to avoid news coverage of world events. So apparently it's
hereditary. (Jay Leno)
One day after Mr. Kerry told a rally that "W stands for wrong,"
President Bush responded, "W stands for wright." (Andy Borowitz)
That's quite a claim that Bush did coke and marijuana. You know who's
going to get hurt by this? John Kerry. This means Bush could now carry
California. (Jay Leno)
President Bush is on the stump. He can relate to military families who
have loved ones in Iraq. When his was in the National Guard, no one
knew exactly where he was either. (Alan Ray)
Cheney warns of risk if rivals win ... 'If we make the wrong choice,
the danger is we'll get hit again by terrorists ... " Doctors say a
heart attack kills off a portion of the heart. Sounds like Dick's
myocardial infarctions did a number on his brain, too. (Wit Wizard)
Cheney: "If you make the wrong choice Nov. 2, we risk another terrorist
strike, along with plague, pestilence, locusts, frogs. Relentless
telemarketers and bubbling pits of burning sulphur, But, heh, it's your
choice." (Stuart Carlson, Milwaukee Sentinel)
President Bush has clarified his position on whether or not the United
States could win the war on terror, telling an audience in Ohio that he
now believes the war on terror would end in a tie. (Andy Borowitz)
Dick Cheney said that if John Kerry wins, there will be another attack.
Then Cheney said, if Bush wins, I'll call it off. (Conan O'Brien)
Yesterday in Iowa, Vice-President Dick Cheney warned voters that a
Kerry victory in Novemberâs election will result in another terrorist
attack. He also warned that a drunk and celebrating Michael Moore
could crush dozens of registered voters! (Jimmy Kimmel)
Dick Cheney is saying there is great risk if John Kerry wins. Yeah, the
risk is that President Bush won't be able to find another job. (David
Letterman)
IN THE NEWS * JOHN KERRY & JOHN EDWARDS
Hereâs some important news. The U.S. is bracing for its third hurricane
this year. When John Kerry heard this he said, "This is proof that
President Bush is losing the war on weather. (David Leterman)
John Kerry relaxed on Nantucket Sound while the GOP Convention was
pummeling him last week. The pictures didn't help. The cameras caught
him wind-surfing, and it occurred to viewers that even his hobby
depends on which way the wind is blowing. (Argus Hamilton)
John Kerry campaigned Monday in West Virginia, where the Democrats own
a wide plurality. The party may be all they have in common. John Kerry
comes from a crowd that thinks Dale Earnhardt was the first woman
aviator to fly across the Pacific. (Argus Hamilton)
Vice-presidential nominee John Edwards today confirmed that he had
become invisible and would remain so for the duration of the campaign.
In a press conference in Davenport, Iowa, the disembodied voice of Mr.
Edwards vowed to use his powers of invisibility "for good, not evil."
(Andy Borowitz)
John Kerry gave a thunderous response in Ohio Thursday to all the
charges made at the convention. He ripped Dick Cheney for avoiding the
draft five times and accused the president of misleading the nation
into war in Iraq. At any minute you expected Teresa to step up and say
that her man takes Cialis because it gives him the response he likes.
(Argus Hamilton)
John Kerry performed with great vigor Thursday after the pounding he
took at the GOP Convention. He must improve his message. It leaves
audiences cross-eyed to hear that we're a great country, we're a
powerful country, and it's time for a change. (Argus Hamilton)
John Kerry told the American Legion Convention meeting in Nashville he
would have done everything differently in Iraq. He drew a full
auditorium. It was so hot in Tennessee that strangers came in off the
street to enjoy the chilly reception. (Argus Hamilton)
John Edwardâs optometrist disclosed that the vice presidential
candidate of the Democratic ticket suffers from a condition that causes
double vision. âHe not only sees two Americas, frankly he sees two of
everything,â his long-term eye doctor said from his office in Raleigh,
North Carolina. (Bob Hirsdhfield)
Responding to calls from Democratic Party insiders to shake up his
listless campaign for president, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) today changed
his tie. According to those in Mr. Kerry's inner circle, the senator
believes that his new neckwear could close the widening gap in the
polls between him and President George W. Bush. "Bush got a nice bounce
coming out of his convention," Mr. Kerry reportedly told his campaign
aides, "but wait 'til the voters get a load of this new tie." The new
cravat, a satin and twill model from Brooks Brothers, will replace his
old one, a classic repp tie, also from Brooks Brothers. Some Democratic
insiders were harshly critical of Mr. Kerry's decision to change ties,
arguing that the move fell far short of the wholesale shakeup they had
been hoping for. (Andy Borowitz)
John Kerry campaigned on front porches in Pennsylvania and Minnesota
this week. He likes to talk to small groups. It takes time for each
voter to sit on the candidate's lap and whisper into his ear exactly
what he wants for Election Day. (Argus Hamilton)
John Kerry hired former Clinton spokesman Joe Lockhart Monday and
recruited the advice of former Clinton masterminds Paul Begala and
James Carville. He's pulling out all the stops to win. John Kerry
telephoned Hillary Clinton Sunday night at the hospital and said if she
ever finds herself single, he has always loved her. (Argus Hamilton)
Since the Republican National Convention, Kerry has been slipping in
the polls. I think he's lost his confidence -- all week he's been
telling people it's an honor just to be nominated. (David Letterman)
John Kerry has a new theme to his campaign. He says the 'W' in George
W. Bush stands for 'wrong', the wrong direction, the wrong policy. Gee,
I wonder if President Bush is going to say the 'F' in John F. Kerry
stands for 'flip-flop.' What, are they running for the president of the
8th grade? Shut up! Actually, Bush got the last laugh, he said, "Hey,
everybody knows 'wrong' starts with the letter 'R.'" (Jay Leno)
Pundits are saying that Kerry's message is garbled. You know you're
doing badly when you're running against Bush and you're the one who is
garbled. (David Letterman)
John Kerry said Bush's middle initial 'W' stands for 'Wrong.' ... And
Bush fired back today, saying the 'F' in John F. Kerry stands for
'Phony.' (Jay Leno)
IN THE NEWS * THE CLINTONS
News that former President Bill Clinton is having heart bypass surgery
is shocking his friends and family. Usually when Clinton runs into any
problems, it's his prostate that causes all the trouble. (Jake Novak)
A hospitalized Bill Clinton called John Kerry Saturday night. He told
him to stop talking about Vietnam and start asking questions about
Iraq. And then as the doctors wheeled him away, he asked him to win one
for the groper. (Argus Hamilton)
Bill Clinton was in New Orleans Wednesday and hinted that his memoir My
Life would make a terrific movie. He doesn't read the trades. The porno
industry is still shut down in Los Angeles until the actors' guild is
satisfied that no more actors will get infected. (Argus Hamilton)
Former President Bill Clinton underwent reportedly successful bypass
surgery Monday at New York's Presbyterian Hospital/ Columbia. It's a
good thing he's a Democrat -- surgeons had no trouble locating his
heart. (Bob Dvorak)
Apparently, there were warning signs something was up. Like when
President Clinton started grabbing his own chest for a change. (Jay
Leno)
Now that his heart surgery is over, former President Clinton is vowing
to stay away from all things that are high in fat. If only this had
happened 10 years ago, he could avoided that whole Monica Lewinsky
scandal. (Jake Novak)
The anesthesiologist had a news conference today and he said they had a
little problem using the gas on Bill Clinton to put him under,
apparently they couldn't get him to inhale. ... They couldn't get him
to go under. Luckily John Kerry called, spoke to him for ten minutes,
and he was out like a light. (David Letterman)
Former President Bill Clinton had quadruple bypass surgery earlier
today and apparently the surgery went fine and he's going to be just
great, so that's good news. I had five bypasses, he had four.
Beginners. The doctors say within 48 hours I will be able to start
doing jokes about him again. (David Letterman)
"A parently Al Gore had a similar procedure. Yeah, it's true, about
four years ago he had what is called an oval office bypass (David
Letterman)
Bill Clinton sailed through heart bypass surgery at Presbyterian
Hospital on Monday. His doctor at the press conference described his
condition as sedated but still arousable. Only one hour after the
operation, he took a turn for the nurse. (Argus Hamilton)
As you know, this whole thing came as quite a shock to most people
because when you see Clinton, he looks great, doesn't he? He's slim,
he's trim, he looks like the picture of health. Here's my question -
what the hell is keeping Michael Moore alive? (Jay Leno)
Bill Clinton was the subject of intense medical scrutiny Monday to see
if he can recover in time to save the Democrats from defeat in
November. He's done it again. For the fourth consecutive national
election, it's going to be All About Bill. (Argus Hamilton)
Former President Clinton is recovering from heart bypass surgery, but
his doctors are keeping him sedated. That should help him heal faster,
and give his nurses a few days of peace before he starts trying to grab
them again. (Jake Novak)
President Clinton had quadruple bypass surgery over the weekend and is
recovering nicely. The doctors told him he can resume having sex in
about two weeks. And Hillary said, "If he does, I'll kill him." (David
Letterman)
Bill Clinton was reported Tuesday to be recovering rapidly from heart
bypass surgery in New York. Even his operation had political
implications. The heart surgeon is a big contributor to President Bush,
and the anesthesiologist was John Kerry. (Argus Hamilton)
Insiders say Clinton is recovering nicely --- he's already hitting on
the chubby nurse. (David Letterman)
President Clinton's operation was a complete success. He's up and
walking. In fact, today, Clinton seen roaming the halls with his
hospital gown on backwards. (Jay Leno)
A new study shows that too much inactivity puts you at greater risk for
a heart attack than eating a high-fat diet. Bill Clinton is reacting to
the news by hiring 6 new interns. (Jake Novak)
They said today this will be a life changing experience for President
Clinton. And it is, it does change your life. The doctors told him,
from now on, lay off the fat, and he said, "Look, I haven't seen her in
years." (Jay Leno)
Bill Clinton recovers from bypass surgery. Hospital administrators say
the medication alone during his stay could cost over 100,000 dollars.
And thatâs just the Viagra. (Alan Ray)
Former President Clinton is doing very well and getting better every
day. In fact yesterday they took him off his respirator and today they
took him off a nurse. (Conan O'Brien)
Former President Clinton is wide awake and alert. I wish we could say
the same for our current president. (David Letterman)
For 73 minutes during the surgery, Clinton had no pulse, no heartbeat.
Just like the Kerry campaign. (David Letterman)
The main doctor who performed surgery on Clinton just a few months ago
gave $2,000 to the Bush campaign. The doctor said he's not a big
Republican, it's just a thank you note for all the business he's gotten
from Dick Cheney. (Jay Leno)
The doctors said Clinton could live a long, normal life if he practices
some "lifestyle control." He could be dead in a week. (Jay Leno)
IN THE NEWS * NADER
Ralph Nader has managed to get his name on the Florida ballot. He can't
get his name on most ballots, but he managed to do it in Florida. Gee,
I wonder who helped him there? (Jay Leno)
Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader is "seriously
considering" dropping out of the 2004 presidential contest amid fears
that the election "may not be close enough to wreck," Mr. Nader
confirmed today. (Andy Borowitz)
IN THE NEWS * THE CAMPAIGN
Vice President Dick Cheney made his most dire remarks to date about a
November victory by Democratic nominee John Kerry, saying that the
French seer Nostradamus warned that Mr. Kerry's election would signal
the end of the world. "Nostradamus made it quite clear that John
Kerry's election would be followed shortly thereafter by the end of the
universe," Mr. Cheney soberly informed his audience at an Akron, Ohio
rally yesterday. "So if you want the world to end, John Kerry is your
man." (Andy Borowitz)
They said Bush is ahead in a lot of issues like Iraq, terrorism and the
economy, but Kerry is ahead in grammar, pronunciation and overall
nuance. (Jay Leno)
In a speech to the national Association Of Wealthy CEO's today, Dick
Cheney warned that if John Kerry were elected, everyone would get
painful, itching hemorrhoids, and "a lot of other bad things." (Tom
Burka)
Bush and Kerry both focused on the battleground state of Ohio. See Bush
knows no Republican has ever won the White House without winning Ohio.
Of course, before Bush, no Republican had ever won the White House
without winning the election. (Jay Leno)
Political experts are saying that this presidential race could be the
country's first billion-dollar political campaign. And that doesn't
even include the $875 raised by Ralph Nader. (Jay Leno)
IN THE NEWS * THE POLLS
According to the latest polls taken right after the convention,
President Bush is way up, way up in the polls. In fact, they said if
the election was held today, the Supreme Court would re-elect him 7 to
2, which is better than last time. (Jay Leno)
IN THE NEWS ⢠THE STATES
Florida endures the wrath of hurricane Frances. Despite ferocious winds
and pounding rain, the thickest of foundations didnât crack. And that
was Katherine Harrisâ makeup. (Alan Ray)
Wildfires burn out of control in Californiaâs wine country. Sonoma
County vintners are trying put on a positive spin. The cabernetâs there
are extremely dry. (Alan Ray)
New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey discussed his resignation from office
Tuesday over his gay affair. What a breath of fresh air he is. Jim
McGreevey is the first politician ever to leave public office in order
to spend less time with his wife and children. (Argus Hamilton)
IN THE NEWS * THE ADMINISTRATION
Concerned about the appearance of disarray and feuding within his
administration as well as growing resistance to his policies in Iraq,
President Bush - living up to his recent declaration that he is in
charge - told his top officials to "stop the leaks" to the media, or
else. News of Bush's order leaked almost immediately. Bush told his
senior aides Tuesday that he "didn't want to see any stories" quoting
unnamed administration officials in the media anymore, and that if he
did, there would be consequences, said a senior administration official
who asked that his name not be used. (Joseph L. Galloway and James
Kuhnhenn. Philadelphia Inquirer)
At a Pentagon news briefing, Rumsfeld said that in the overall scheme
of the Iraq war, the losses were relatively small." quoting the
relatively obscure speech of his idol Heinrich Himmler during the
Nazi's winter assault on Moscow. (Wit Wizard re bombing in Iraq)
IN THE NEWS * CRIME & THE COURTS
Crime in New York City dropped 40% during the Republican National
Convention last week. That's because there were thousands more cops on
the streets, stores were closed, and the nation's top corporate
criminals were too busy attending convention parties to do any quality
embezzling. (Jake Novak)
IN THE NEWS * CONGRESS
We in congress are shocked and saddened by the school children massacre
in Russia and will work to prevent such a tragedy from happening here,
So we're not renewing the assault weapons ban! (Jim Moran, The Miami
Herald)
Congress wonât renew the federal ban on assault rifles. The NRA is
happy because it believes the law violated an inalienable right. The
right to own a politician. (Alan Ray)
IN THE NEWS * THE MEDIA
The Fox News Network took the unprecedented step of calling the 2004 US
Presidential election result as a win for incumbent Republican George W
Bush, almost 2 months before a single vote has been cast, and three
weeks before the first televised debate, last night.
(TheVoiceofReason.com)
Rush Limbaugh and CNN anchorwoman Daryn Kagen are now an item. If a guy
like him gets any action from her, I guess he'll finally prove the
media really IS too liberal. (Jake Novak)
IN THE NEWS * TERRORISM
A Bush administration official said today we're moving closer and
closer to capturing Osama bin Laden. Of course we're moving closer,
it's almost election day. I'm predicting we'll get him, maybe, November
1st. (Jay Leno)
Al Qaeda kingpin Osama bin Laden, reportedly "furious" that his name
was not mentioned once at last week's Republican National Convention,
fired his publicist today and warned that more changes in the Qaeda
publicity department may be imminent. (Andy Borowitz)
Al Qaeda leader Aymin al-Zawahiri is featured in a new video blasting
the U.S. It's hard to tell what's more embarrassing: the fact that he's
still free and thumbing his nose at America, or the fact that he reads
the TelePrompTer much better than Tom Brokaw. (Jake Novak)
IN THE NEWS * BUSINESS & THE ECONOMY
I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
toilet seat. (Michael McShane)
April 20, 2104: The world's leading (and only) gasoline producer,
Halliburton-Bush-OPEC, announces that the price at the pump is rising
to $1.19 this week. (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte Observer)
Continental Airlines is cutting 425 jobs. Affected employees say the
termination notice was cold. âPlease return your chairs to an upright
position and be sure to take all personal items with you.â (Alan Ray)
Experts are predicting that gas could go up to $3 a gallon by the end
of the year. But, the oil companies say no, no, no - it'll go down to
$3 a gallon by the end of the year. (Jay Leno)
President Bush's budget deficit is supposed to be stimulating job
growth. By that reckoning, the government input of an excess $500
billion this year should have produced 10 Million new jobs, each at
$50,000 annual compensation. (Bob Dvorak)
After years of criticism, Disney CEO Michael Eisner announced today
that he'll finally step down in 2006. That will give him enough time to
groom a successor, shore up his finances, and figure out what the Hell
he was thinking when they opened Euro Disney and California Adventure.
(Jake Novak)
There was a robbery in Atlantic City at one of Donald Trump's casinos.
Thieves got away with $8 million dollars in debt." (David Letterman)
IN THE NEWS * IRAQ
July 28, 2104: President Muffin X. Bush calls the war in Iraq
"practically almost just about over," declaring, "We has turned the
corner." Critics remind the president that this is the fourth time this
year she has said we have "turned the corner," which, assuming we're
not turning in random directions, would put us right back where we
started. (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte Observer)
IN THE NEWS * INTERNATIONAL
The aftermath of the terrorist attack on a Russian school has pushed
that nation into a state of confusion. Mostly because it's the first
national tragedy in the country's history that the government can't
blame on the Jews. (Jake Novak)
Russian President Vladimir Putin promised Wednesday the Red Army will
strike back whenever and wherever he feels like it. He announced that
Russia is joining the war on terrorism. We're still waiting to find out
on which side. (Argus Hamilton)
IN THE NEWS * HEALTH & SCIENCE
Bush to media: "The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth went to the African
Coast and guess what they found? A huge revolving hydromatrix generator
ten stories tall with a bunch of Democrats sitting at computers making
tropical storms and aiming them at the U. S. Mind you, the Swift Boat
Vets for Truth did this on their own. I'm not saying this. They're
saying this." Media: "Saying what?" Bush: "John Kerry's behind all the
hurricanes!" (Don Wright, The Palm Beach Post)
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration Thursday approved Actiq, a new
cancer pain drug in the form of a lollipop. Now, if they can just get
Prozac in the shape of a breast, the world will be rid of psychiatry.
(Fred Barling)
Men's Health predicted super-long lifespans in America due to much
healthier lifestyles. Evidence is pouring in. One guy gave up sugar,
bread, tobacco, sex, caffeine and alcohol, and he was healthy right up
to the day he killed himself. (Argus Hamilton)
UCLA hospital warned couples Wednesday not to use ultrasound machines
to take pre-natal baby snapshots. Sometimes pictures are essential. One
couple in Beverly Hills had a real scare during the first trimester
when they almost lost the surrogate's phone number. (Argus Hamilton)
IN THE NEWS * SPORTS
The effects of Hurricane Frances delayed yesterday's Yankees-Devil Rays
game, and Yankee fans had to wait four hours until their team finally
started to play. That's opposed to Mets fans, who have been waiting all
season for their team to start playing. (Jake Novak)
San Diego Charger football practice was delayed nearly two hours
yesterday after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery
substance on the practice field. Head Coach Marty Schottenheimer
immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators
were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, FBI forensic
experts determined that the white substance unknown to the players was
the goal line. Practice was resumed after special agents decided the
team was unlikely to encounter the substance again. (Fartiminer)
On Serena Williams' loss to Jennifer Capriati at the U.S. Open: "It was
hard to tell what was more controversial: the umpire's questionable
baseline calls, or Serena's outfit." (Nanette Wyatt)
Bobby Knight met with CBS executives in Hollywood Thursday where they
agreed to produce a situation comedy about his life as a college
basketball coach. The show is slated to begin airing next year. The
working title is Mad About Everything. (Argus Hamilton)
IN THE NEWS * ENTERTAINMENT
"The Passion of the Christ" is now in video stores. The Blockbuster
rental agreement is a bit tacky. "On the third day, the Lord will
return, or youâll be charged a late fee." (Alan Ray)
French President Jacques Chirac named Steven Spielberg a Knight in the
French Legion of Honor last night, but the ceremony was not without
controversy. While Chirac introduced Spielberg as the "genius who
directed 'E.T.,' and 'Saving Private Ryan,' he still insisted on also
describing him as "the Jew from America responsible for '1941,' and
'Jurassic Park 2.' (Jake Novak)
William Kennedy Smith was sued for sex assault by his employee Audra
Soulias last week. He met her in Bosnia and convinced her to immigrate
to America to work for him. The producers of Alien versus Predator
couldn't buy this kind of publicity. (Argus Hamilton)
Michael Moore decided Monday to submit Fahrenheit 9/11 for the Academy
Award for Best Picture against The Passion of the Christ. What a huge
ego. It's not enough that he's trying to defeat the President of the
United States, now he's trying to beat Jesus. (Argus Hamilton)
Michael Moore is submitting "Fahrenheit 9/11" to the Oscar voters for
"Best Picture," and not in the "Best Documentary" category. That's
mostly because movies nominated for "Best Picture" can be works of
fiction. (Jake Novak)
Thanks for coming out on such a hot day! Man was it hot today! What was
it 106? I tell you, it was so hot, today Michael Jackson paid off an
Eskimo kid-what would you do for a Klondike Bar? (Jay Leno)
IN THE NEWS * HISTORY & CULTURE
Do you hear that they are even making a movie now about Dan Quayle's
Vietnam War experience? It's called "Full Dinner Jacket." (Jay Leno)
Environmental groups say the national park system is under funded. Some
remote areas have not been visited by humans for centuries. And those
are the rest rooms. (Alan Ray)
On the expensive side of the tracks lawyers charge you about $50,000
for a non-contested divorce. Some will offer a discount package deal
though -- you can sign-up for three for $125,000. (Fred Barling)
IN THE NEWS * EDUCATION
The American Academy of Pediatrics says soft drinks should be
eliminated from schools to help tackle the nation's obesity epidemic.
The doctors say the drinks should be replaced in vending machines with
items the kids really need to survive in the schools these days - guns
and ammunition. (Jacob Novak)
College students head back to campus. This is a chance for an 18-22
year old to grow. Marijuana in his dorm room. (Alan Ray)
Kids head back to college this month. At most universities, the student
union is the focal point of campus life. Itâs where undergraduates hang
out in between beers. (Alan Ray)
IN THE NEWS * OTHER
After a massive rainstorm crippled New York's subway's yesterday,
trains were running normally again today. But commuters were more
impressed that even after thousands of gallons of water flooded the
system, each station still smells like urine. (Jake Novak)
A Florida man who tried to shoot seven puppies was shot himself when
one of the dogs put its paw on the revolver's trigger. So, it looks
like the NRA has finally found a new spokesman to replace Charlton
Heston! (Jake Novak)
Since you're already in the city you know it's fashion week. The entire
city is on lavender alert! (David Letterman)
It was one thing when the diner started serving "freedom" fries, but
with the debut of "without-us-your-country-would-be" toast, I think
things have gotten out of hand. (Brad Simanek)
LEGAL DISCLAIMERS
The statements of Big Brother 2004 is an attempt to make George
Orwellâs prophetic book, written over a half century ago, more relevant
to the 21st century. Any resemblance of the statements of Big Brother
2004 to those of any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
(Stan Kegel)
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AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY
We have a presidential election coming up. And I think the big problem,
of course, is that someone will win. (Barry Crimmins)
Bush pointing to picture of Kerry: Vote for him and there's no telling
what you'll get. Vote for me and you know exactly what you're getting.
(Chip Bok, The Akron Beacon-Journal)
We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special report. The Terror
Alert level has been heightened to Orange. The President fears the
nation has become unafraid. He cautions we are still vulnerable and a
catastrophic terrorist attack is not only inevitable, but probably
imminent. Mr. Bush reminds us our best defense against terrorism is to
carry on with our lives as usual. He warns us not to give in to fear;
if we do, the terrorists will win. So, we now return you to our
regularly scheduled program already in progress. Please try to enjoy.
(Author Unknown)
The A. C. L. U. today named The Men's Warehouse the "2004 Corporation
of the Year" for its guarantee of a free press. (Stan Kegel)
President Bush kicked off the Labor Day weekend with a surprise visit
to workers in Bangalore, India. (Ed Stein, The Rocky Mountain News)
Did you read this strange story of a woman that was caught trying pass
a counterfeit $200 bill with a picture of George Bush on it? Turns out
there is also a John Kerry bill -- pretty realistic, he's on both
sides. (Jay Leno)
Charley, Frances, maybe Ivan... seems like these Hurricanes are God's
warning to Florida _ in the tradition of Rev. Jerry Falwell or Pat
Robertson or whoever saying that the attacks on the twin towers was
"God's Judgment for America's declining moral values" - warning
Florida, "YOU_D BETTER NOT SCREW UP THE ELECTIONS LIKE YOU DID IN THE
YEAR 2000!!!" (Randall Woodman)
Nowadays, men of so-called Presidential timber are mostly bark.
(Venkatech).
Many GOP delegates laughingly adorned themselves with small purple
hearts, thus mocking a decoration honoring bloodied veterans who faced
the horrors of war fighting for our country. Ha, Ha, Ha. Isn't that
funny? (Don Wright, The Palm Beach Post)
IN THE NEWS * WEB SITES TO VISIT
The 10 Dumbest Quotes of Campaign 2004
Political Posters (Pro Kerry):
To Be A Republican http://www.kinseysicks.com/audio/republican.mp3
IN THE NEWS * TODAY'S COMIC STRIPS
Gay Conservative talk host: "We're back. Some weeks ago, Senae
Republicans proposed a constitutional amendment banning gay marriages
in order to protect the sanctity of straight marriages from, who knows,
gay cooties, I guess. The amendment never had a chance, of course. It
had no purpose other than to inflame the electorate!. But as a married
gay couple, Mark and I are puzzled." Mark: "Mystified, really."
"Shouldn't my fellow conservatives support our entering into a union
that promotes commitment, responsibility and fidelity?" "You'd think."
"Never mind we're thinking of getting divorced." "So we're a little
ahead of the curve. Big Whoop!" (Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)
At the Republican Convention: "Mark, I'm now talking to a 40ish medium
build white bald guy about the homeless problem" "Homeless problem?
What homeless proble? Who talks bout the homeless any more? Homeless is
so over!" "Oh? Bad news, Mark. I've been living a lie!" "Go home and
think it over, El." (Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)
"I say Martin Sheen's got the election all sewn up! He's strong, but
sensitive, decisive but introspectiveâ¦" "Uh. He's really not the
President." "Did I mention that he is occasionally Hispanic?" (Mallard
Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)
Kerry: "And so we must ask ourselves whether or not it is fair that
under the Bush Administration, one American wins over a million dollars
on 'Jeoprady' while all those other Americans get nothing!" (Mallard
Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)
Kerry: Is it fair that under the Bush administration, one guy can win
over a million bucks on "Jeopardy" while others get nothing! And all
for answering questions when, as everyone knows, the same question can
have lots of answers depending on what day it is and who you're
speaking to⦠(Mallard Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)
Kerry: Under the Bush administration, one man has hogged over one
million bucks on 'Jeopardy' while the rest get nothing. Under my plan,
they'd still get nothing, of course, but with the satisfaction of
knowing we were going to tax Ken Jenning's smarty pants off!" (Mallard
Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)
"I'm George W. Bush and I approve this message." "Recently urban youth
have been receiving a lot of messages about voting. Some of it may be
confusing.. Is there reading involved? How do I work the voting
machine? Am I legally allowed to vote if I'm a felon? Politics is very
complicated an if you're unsure about the issues or your voting status,
you could be embarrassed even arrested, if you try to vote. And
depending on where you live, your vote may not even count! So before
you get up and go all the way to the polls, ask yourself, 'Is it really
worth it?'" "No Way Homie!!" Sign: Voting: If it ain't worth it, Homie
(Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)
The Stem Cell Fiasco. Caught lying? Say anything!: Cheney: "Of course,
we didn't know we were getting intelligence from the ODB. It was the
CIA's fault." Rice: "We still believe that stem cell researchers and
their life-saving cures were a credible threat to this country. We did
the right thing." Bush: "Regardless of whether or not they were
actually terrorists, we can all agree the world is a better place with
those scientists dead!" (Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)
"Stem cell drama: To weather the storm you must think on your feet:
"Mr. President, did you deliberately exaggerate to the public about the
dangers of stem-cell research." "Um⦠There's a um⦠terror alert for umâ¦
this building and" "You tried that yesterday, Mr. President."
(Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)
The Stem wars: Epilogue: Destroy Kerry by asking him a really stupid
question: Bush: "Today, I have a simple yes-or-no question for my
opponent, 'Would you still support the elimination of terrorist stem
cell scientists even if they aren't necessarily terrorists?'" 'cause
he's stupid enough to answer it: Kerry: "I've been very clear on this.
Scientists are not terrorists. Yes, I would have killed them anyway.
But I would have asked our allies to help us!" (Boondocks: Aaron
McGruder)
"Is there anyone who still doesn't think deep down that the President
didn't lie about Iraq?" "Yeah, the same people who think Sarah Jessica
Parker actually shops at The Gap." (Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)
"The Democrats will make America a bright shining city." "The
Republicans will make America a spectacular bright shining city." "A
land of kindness, love, wealth and joy!" "The very land that God
Intended." "An end to disease." "Goodbye, common cold." Observer:
"Dueling Optimists" (Rudy Park: Bell & Heir)
"Why don't Latinos vote more?" "Because it's free. If you charged to
vote, then Latinos would vote all the time! Maybe if voting had a good
layaway plan or charged 2.9% interest, and if 'voting' was a really
tricked out truck!" (La Cucaracha: Luis Alcaraz)
I'ts obvious why Latinos and people in general don't vote. If the
candidates who ran for office were more interesting and had a lot more
credibility, maybe we'd vote for them. Posters "Cheech '04 I took
Spanish and got a 'B'" "Chong '04 Some pot in every pot." "I see your
pointâ¦"(La Cucaracha: Luis Alcaraz)
"Actress Rosario Dawson and singer J. Lo. are out motivating young
Latinos to vote." "No way! That's a lie!" "No, it isn't!" "Prove to me
that J. Lo. is a singer." (La Cucaracha: Luis Alcaraz)
1984: The problem with gays is there's no commitment in their
relationships. Their promiscuity is a threat to traditional
institutions like marriage.
2004: The problem with gays is they want to get married, That's a
threat to traditional institutions like marriage. (Candorville: Darrin
Bell)
"So, how were things on the Raw Deal express?" "For two rich guys, Mr.
Kerry and Mr. Edwards seemed nice enough. For a couple of Republicans,
that is." "Winslow, they're Democrats!" "They certainly hide it well."
"You would too, if you had their voting record." (Prickly City: Scott
Stantis)
IN THE NEWS * THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION
"Tonight at the Republican National Convention, in what was called the
biggest speach of his career, President Bush took on his enemy, the
English language." --Jay Leno
George Bush accepted the nomination and promised that if he's
re-elected he promised to start reading memos. Thats a good sign.
(David Letterman)
Now that Bush has accepted the nomination the next step, of course, is
the rigging of the voting machines. (David Letterman)
For the first 2 nights, the Republicans played the role of
mild-mannered Bruce Banner -- courageous, compassionate. But last
night, the green, monstrously muscled and angry face they tried to hard
to conceal finally tore through their t-shirt of civility and announced
to the world, you wouldn't like us when we're angry. ... Last night,
the Republican faithful were angry. After four years of being in charge
of the House, Senate, Supreme Court and Executive branch, they were not
gonna take it anymore. ... Yeah! Down with the people who are already
down! (Jon Stewart)
In his speech tonight, President Bush said that America should create
an ownership society. For example, if you're homeless, buy a home.
Don't have a job? Buy a company, give yourself a job. These are simple
solutions. (Jay Leno)
Speaking about President Bush last night, Zell Miller said, 'I have
knocked on the door of this man's soul and found someone home.' See, he
originally tried to knock on the soul of Dick Cheney, but it had
already been sold to the oil companies. So, he went to the president
instead. (Jay Leno)
Don King was at the convention. He is a big Republican. He has given
out a lot of Tyson's money. He wasn't there for the convention. He was
at Madison Square Garden to promote the big Chris Matthews/Zell Miller
fight. ... Zell Miller was just crazy. Chris Matthews was trying to
interview him. The secret service had to take him down with a
tranquilizer (Jay Leno)
That's Democratic Georgia Senator Zell Miller, building that bridge to
the 18th century. (Jon Stewart, on Zell Miller challenging Chris
Matthews to a duel)
There were so many journalists that I actually saw a news anchor being
interviewed by a print journalist while being recorded by a film crew.
(Scott Stantis, The Birmingham News)
Senator Zell Miller addressed the GOP Convention. He was once chief of
staff for Lester Maddox, he nominated Bill Clinton and now he's
endorsed George Bush. If they ever teach evolution in Southern schools,
it will be all about Zell Miller. (Argus Hamilton)
Arnold Schwarzenegger told the convention how he was welcomed to
America when all he could speak was German. That's nothing. His father
could only speak German and he was welcomed to Poland, France, and
Russia, if they knew what was good for them. (Argus Hamilton)
Elsewhere, the security team responsible for the Republican National
Convention was still trying to determine how a lunatic slipped into
Madison Square Garden and delivered the keynote address. (Andy
Borowitz)
1984 ⢠20 YEARS LATER
As a Compassionate Republican I believe a woman can't be trusted with
decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations should be
allowed make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.
(George Orwell)
All people were created equal but the rich are more equal than others,
(Big Brother 2004)
IN THE NEWS * GEORGE W. BUSH & DICK CHENEY
One of the things President Bush wants the astronauts to do on the Moon
is look for fuel. See, apparently the Marines didn't find enough in
Iraq. (Bill Williams)
New reports say that when President Bush was in the Air National Guard,
many of his superiors were politically pressured to give him good
evaluations even though he didn't show up for duty. That's kind of like
what happens every day on the FOX News Channel. (Jake Novak)
On the theme of President Bush's acceptance speech at the Republican
National Convention: "In the end, this is an election campaign focused
squarely on the future. ... In other words, vote for George Bush - so
he can finish the work he hasn't begun yet." (Jon Stewart)
It was so hot, I was sweatinâ like President Bush trying to make up his
mind on the war on terrorism! (Jay Leno)
There Ãs a new book out that says President Bush used marijuana while
in the National Guard. When President Bush heard the news he said, "See
I told you I was in the National Guard!" (David Letterman)
In a shocking new book by Kitty Kelley, acquaintances of President Bush
say that when he was in the National Guard that he liked to sneak out
back for a joint or go in the bathroom and do cocaine. Isn't that
unbelievable? They actually found people who saw Bush in the National
Guard. (Jay Leno)
According to a new book, when President Bush was on National Guard duty
he would sometimes sneak off to smoke marijuana and snort cocaine. When
he heard this, President Bush said, "That's ridiculous. I never showed
up for National Guard duty."(Conan O'Brien)
At the President's stop in Ohio, 5,000 people gathered to cheer his
record on jobs. Then they all flew back to India. (David Letterman)
During a speech in Poplar Bluff, Missouri Monday, George W. Bush began
to rail against âfrivolous [medical] lawsuitsâ that he claims boost the
price of health care and push doctors out of business. Then he tabled a
strange reason for getting tough on the suits. âWe've got an issue in
America. Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many
OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this
country.â He appeared unfazed by his strange choice of words though and
moved on with his speech. (Strange But True)
Millions of Americans tuned in to 60 Minutes this week to see an
interview with a man who said he regrets giving George W. Bush a
coveted job he didn't deserve. But they were all disappointed when it
turned out the guy getting interviewed wasn't Chief Justice Rehnquist.
(Jake Novak)
Recently, President Bush was in Queens, New York. I think this is where
President Bush gets a little confused. Like he told the residents of
Queens that while he respects their lifestyle, he's still against them
getting married." (Jay Leno)
In an interview with USA Today, former first lady Barbara Bush says she
tries to avoid news coverage of world events. So apparently it's
hereditary. (Jay Leno)
One day after Mr. Kerry told a rally that "W stands for wrong,"
President Bush responded, "W stands for wright." (Andy Borowitz)
That's quite a claim that Bush did coke and marijuana. You know who's
going to get hurt by this? John Kerry. This means Bush could now carry
California. (Jay Leno)
President Bush is on the stump. He can relate to military families who
have loved ones in Iraq. When his was in the National Guard, no one
knew exactly where he was either. (Alan Ray)
Cheney warns of risk if rivals win ... 'If we make the wrong choice,
the danger is we'll get hit again by terrorists ... " Doctors say a
heart attack kills off a portion of the heart. Sounds like Dick's
myocardial infarctions did a number on his brain, too. (Wit Wizard)
Cheney: "If you make the wrong choice Nov. 2, we risk another terrorist
strike, along with plague, pestilence, locusts, frogs. Relentless
telemarketers and bubbling pits of burning sulphur, But, heh, it's your
choice." (Stuart Carlson, Milwaukee Sentinel)
President Bush has clarified his position on whether or not the United
States could win the war on terror, telling an audience in Ohio that he
now believes the war on terror would end in a tie. (Andy Borowitz)
Dick Cheney said that if John Kerry wins, there will be another attack.
Then Cheney said, if Bush wins, I'll call it off. (Conan O'Brien)
Yesterday in Iowa, Vice-President Dick Cheney warned voters that a
Kerry victory in Novemberâs election will result in another terrorist
attack. He also warned that a drunk and celebrating Michael Moore
could crush dozens of registered voters! (Jimmy Kimmel)
Dick Cheney is saying there is great risk if John Kerry wins. Yeah, the
risk is that President Bush won't be able to find another job. (David
Letterman)
IN THE NEWS * JOHN KERRY & JOHN EDWARDS
Hereâs some important news. The U.S. is bracing for its third hurricane
this year. When John Kerry heard this he said, "This is proof that
President Bush is losing the war on weather. (David Leterman)
John Kerry relaxed on Nantucket Sound while the GOP Convention was
pummeling him last week. The pictures didn't help. The cameras caught
him wind-surfing, and it occurred to viewers that even his hobby
depends on which way the wind is blowing. (Argus Hamilton)
John Kerry campaigned Monday in West Virginia, where the Democrats own
a wide plurality. The party may be all they have in common. John Kerry
comes from a crowd that thinks Dale Earnhardt was the first woman
aviator to fly across the Pacific. (Argus Hamilton)
Vice-presidential nominee John Edwards today confirmed that he had
become invisible and would remain so for the duration of the campaign.
In a press conference in Davenport, Iowa, the disembodied voice of Mr.
Edwards vowed to use his powers of invisibility "for good, not evil."
(Andy Borowitz)
John Kerry gave a thunderous response in Ohio Thursday to all the
charges made at the convention. He ripped Dick Cheney for avoiding the
draft five times and accused the president of misleading the nation
into war in Iraq. At any minute you expected Teresa to step up and say
that her man takes Cialis because it gives him the response he likes.
(Argus Hamilton)
John Kerry performed with great vigor Thursday after the pounding he
took at the GOP Convention. He must improve his message. It leaves
audiences cross-eyed to hear that we're a great country, we're a
powerful country, and it's time for a change. (Argus Hamilton)
John Kerry told the American Legion Convention meeting in Nashville he
would have done everything differently in Iraq. He drew a full
auditorium. It was so hot in Tennessee that strangers came in off the
street to enjoy the chilly reception. (Argus Hamilton)
John Edwardâs optometrist disclosed that the vice presidential
candidate of the Democratic ticket suffers from a condition that causes
double vision. âHe not only sees two Americas, frankly he sees two of
everything,â his long-term eye doctor said from his office in Raleigh,
North Carolina. (Bob Hirsdhfield)
Responding to calls from Democratic Party insiders to shake up his
listless campaign for president, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) today changed
his tie. According to those in Mr. Kerry's inner circle, the senator
believes that his new neckwear could close the widening gap in the
polls between him and President George W. Bush. "Bush got a nice bounce
coming out of his convention," Mr. Kerry reportedly told his campaign
aides, "but wait 'til the voters get a load of this new tie." The new
cravat, a satin and twill model from Brooks Brothers, will replace his
old one, a classic repp tie, also from Brooks Brothers. Some Democratic
insiders were harshly critical of Mr. Kerry's decision to change ties,
arguing that the move fell far short of the wholesale shakeup they had
been hoping for. (Andy Borowitz)
John Kerry campaigned on front porches in Pennsylvania and Minnesota
this week. He likes to talk to small groups. It takes time for each
voter to sit on the candidate's lap and whisper into his ear exactly
what he wants for Election Day. (Argus Hamilton)
John Kerry hired former Clinton spokesman Joe Lockhart Monday and
recruited the advice of former Clinton masterminds Paul Begala and
James Carville. He's pulling out all the stops to win. John Kerry
telephoned Hillary Clinton Sunday night at the hospital and said if she
ever finds herself single, he has always loved her. (Argus Hamilton)
Since the Republican National Convention, Kerry has been slipping in
the polls. I think he's lost his confidence -- all week he's been
telling people it's an honor just to be nominated. (David Letterman)
John Kerry has a new theme to his campaign. He says the 'W' in George
W. Bush stands for 'wrong', the wrong direction, the wrong policy. Gee,
I wonder if President Bush is going to say the 'F' in John F. Kerry
stands for 'flip-flop.' What, are they running for the president of the
8th grade? Shut up! Actually, Bush got the last laugh, he said, "Hey,
everybody knows 'wrong' starts with the letter 'R.'" (Jay Leno)
Pundits are saying that Kerry's message is garbled. You know you're
doing badly when you're running against Bush and you're the one who is
garbled. (David Letterman)
John Kerry said Bush's middle initial 'W' stands for 'Wrong.' ... And
Bush fired back today, saying the 'F' in John F. Kerry stands for
'Phony.' (Jay Leno)
IN THE NEWS * THE CLINTONS
News that former President Bill Clinton is having heart bypass surgery
is shocking his friends and family. Usually when Clinton runs into any
problems, it's his prostate that causes all the trouble. (Jake Novak)
A hospitalized Bill Clinton called John Kerry Saturday night. He told
him to stop talking about Vietnam and start asking questions about
Iraq. And then as the doctors wheeled him away, he asked him to win one
for the groper. (Argus Hamilton)
Bill Clinton was in New Orleans Wednesday and hinted that his memoir My
Life would make a terrific movie. He doesn't read the trades. The porno
industry is still shut down in Los Angeles until the actors' guild is
satisfied that no more actors will get infected. (Argus Hamilton)
Former President Bill Clinton underwent reportedly successful bypass
surgery Monday at New York's Presbyterian Hospital/ Columbia. It's a
good thing he's a Democrat -- surgeons had no trouble locating his
heart. (Bob Dvorak)
Apparently, there were warning signs something was up. Like when
President Clinton started grabbing his own chest for a change. (Jay
Leno)
Now that his heart surgery is over, former President Clinton is vowing
to stay away from all things that are high in fat. If only this had
happened 10 years ago, he could avoided that whole Monica Lewinsky
scandal. (Jake Novak)
The anesthesiologist had a news conference today and he said they had a
little problem using the gas on Bill Clinton to put him under,
apparently they couldn't get him to inhale. ... They couldn't get him
to go under. Luckily John Kerry called, spoke to him for ten minutes,
and he was out like a light. (David Letterman)
Former President Bill Clinton had quadruple bypass surgery earlier
today and apparently the surgery went fine and he's going to be just
great, so that's good news. I had five bypasses, he had four.
Beginners. The doctors say within 48 hours I will be able to start
doing jokes about him again. (David Letterman)
"A parently Al Gore had a similar procedure. Yeah, it's true, about
four years ago he had what is called an oval office bypass (David
Letterman)
Bill Clinton sailed through heart bypass surgery at Presbyterian
Hospital on Monday. His doctor at the press conference described his
condition as sedated but still arousable. Only one hour after the
operation, he took a turn for the nurse. (Argus Hamilton)
As you know, this whole thing came as quite a shock to most people
because when you see Clinton, he looks great, doesn't he? He's slim,
he's trim, he looks like the picture of health. Here's my question -
what the hell is keeping Michael Moore alive? (Jay Leno)
Bill Clinton was the subject of intense medical scrutiny Monday to see
if he can recover in time to save the Democrats from defeat in
November. He's done it again. For the fourth consecutive national
election, it's going to be All About Bill. (Argus Hamilton)
Former President Clinton is recovering from heart bypass surgery, but
his doctors are keeping him sedated. That should help him heal faster,
and give his nurses a few days of peace before he starts trying to grab
them again. (Jake Novak)
President Clinton had quadruple bypass surgery over the weekend and is
recovering nicely. The doctors told him he can resume having sex in
about two weeks. And Hillary said, "If he does, I'll kill him." (David
Letterman)
Bill Clinton was reported Tuesday to be recovering rapidly from heart
bypass surgery in New York. Even his operation had political
implications. The heart surgeon is a big contributor to President Bush,
and the anesthesiologist was John Kerry. (Argus Hamilton)
Insiders say Clinton is recovering nicely --- he's already hitting on
the chubby nurse. (David Letterman)
President Clinton's operation was a complete success. He's up and
walking. In fact, today, Clinton seen roaming the halls with his
hospital gown on backwards. (Jay Leno)
A new study shows that too much inactivity puts you at greater risk for
a heart attack than eating a high-fat diet. Bill Clinton is reacting to
the news by hiring 6 new interns. (Jake Novak)
They said today this will be a life changing experience for President
Clinton. And it is, it does change your life. The doctors told him,
from now on, lay off the fat, and he said, "Look, I haven't seen her in
years." (Jay Leno)
Bill Clinton recovers from bypass surgery. Hospital administrators say
the medication alone during his stay could cost over 100,000 dollars.
And thatâs just the Viagra. (Alan Ray)
Former President Clinton is doing very well and getting better every
day. In fact yesterday they took him off his respirator and today they
took him off a nurse. (Conan O'Brien)
Former President Clinton is wide awake and alert. I wish we could say
the same for our current president. (David Letterman)
For 73 minutes during the surgery, Clinton had no pulse, no heartbeat.
Just like the Kerry campaign. (David Letterman)
The main doctor who performed surgery on Clinton just a few months ago
gave $2,000 to the Bush campaign. The doctor said he's not a big
Republican, it's just a thank you note for all the business he's gotten
from Dick Cheney. (Jay Leno)
The doctors said Clinton could live a long, normal life if he practices
some "lifestyle control." He could be dead in a week. (Jay Leno)
IN THE NEWS * NADER
Ralph Nader has managed to get his name on the Florida ballot. He can't
get his name on most ballots, but he managed to do it in Florida. Gee,
I wonder who helped him there? (Jay Leno)
Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader is "seriously
considering" dropping out of the 2004 presidential contest amid fears
that the election "may not be close enough to wreck," Mr. Nader
confirmed today. (Andy Borowitz)
IN THE NEWS * THE CAMPAIGN
Vice President Dick Cheney made his most dire remarks to date about a
November victory by Democratic nominee John Kerry, saying that the
French seer Nostradamus warned that Mr. Kerry's election would signal
the end of the world. "Nostradamus made it quite clear that John
Kerry's election would be followed shortly thereafter by the end of the
universe," Mr. Cheney soberly informed his audience at an Akron, Ohio
rally yesterday. "So if you want the world to end, John Kerry is your
man." (Andy Borowitz)
They said Bush is ahead in a lot of issues like Iraq, terrorism and the
economy, but Kerry is ahead in grammar, pronunciation and overall
nuance. (Jay Leno)
In a speech to the national Association Of Wealthy CEO's today, Dick
Cheney warned that if John Kerry were elected, everyone would get
painful, itching hemorrhoids, and "a lot of other bad things." (Tom
Burka)
Bush and Kerry both focused on the battleground state of Ohio. See Bush
knows no Republican has ever won the White House without winning Ohio.
Of course, before Bush, no Republican had ever won the White House
without winning the election. (Jay Leno)
Political experts are saying that this presidential race could be the
country's first billion-dollar political campaign. And that doesn't
even include the $875 raised by Ralph Nader. (Jay Leno)
IN THE NEWS * THE POLLS
According to the latest polls taken right after the convention,
President Bush is way up, way up in the polls. In fact, they said if
the election was held today, the Supreme Court would re-elect him 7 to
2, which is better than last time. (Jay Leno)
IN THE NEWS ⢠THE STATES
Florida endures the wrath of hurricane Frances. Despite ferocious winds
and pounding rain, the thickest of foundations didnât crack. And that
was Katherine Harrisâ makeup. (Alan Ray)
Wildfires burn out of control in Californiaâs wine country. Sonoma
County vintners are trying put on a positive spin. The cabernetâs there
are extremely dry. (Alan Ray)
New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey discussed his resignation from office
Tuesday over his gay affair. What a breath of fresh air he is. Jim
McGreevey is the first politician ever to leave public office in order
to spend less time with his wife and children. (Argus Hamilton)
IN THE NEWS * THE ADMINISTRATION
Concerned about the appearance of disarray and feuding within his
administration as well as growing resistance to his policies in Iraq,
President Bush - living up to his recent declaration that he is in
charge - told his top officials to "stop the leaks" to the media, or
else. News of Bush's order leaked almost immediately. Bush told his
senior aides Tuesday that he "didn't want to see any stories" quoting
unnamed administration officials in the media anymore, and that if he
did, there would be consequences, said a senior administration official
who asked that his name not be used. (Joseph L. Galloway and James
Kuhnhenn. Philadelphia Inquirer)
At a Pentagon news briefing, Rumsfeld said that in the overall scheme
of the Iraq war, the losses were relatively small." quoting the
relatively obscure speech of his idol Heinrich Himmler during the
Nazi's winter assault on Moscow. (Wit Wizard re bombing in Iraq)
IN THE NEWS * CRIME & THE COURTS
Crime in New York City dropped 40% during the Republican National
Convention last week. That's because there were thousands more cops on
the streets, stores were closed, and the nation's top corporate
criminals were too busy attending convention parties to do any quality
embezzling. (Jake Novak)
IN THE NEWS * CONGRESS
We in congress are shocked and saddened by the school children massacre
in Russia and will work to prevent such a tragedy from happening here,
So we're not renewing the assault weapons ban! (Jim Moran, The Miami
Herald)
Congress wonât renew the federal ban on assault rifles. The NRA is
happy because it believes the law violated an inalienable right. The
right to own a politician. (Alan Ray)
IN THE NEWS * THE MEDIA
The Fox News Network took the unprecedented step of calling the 2004 US
Presidential election result as a win for incumbent Republican George W
Bush, almost 2 months before a single vote has been cast, and three
weeks before the first televised debate, last night.
(TheVoiceofReason.com)
Rush Limbaugh and CNN anchorwoman Daryn Kagen are now an item. If a guy
like him gets any action from her, I guess he'll finally prove the
media really IS too liberal. (Jake Novak)
IN THE NEWS * TERRORISM
A Bush administration official said today we're moving closer and
closer to capturing Osama bin Laden. Of course we're moving closer,
it's almost election day. I'm predicting we'll get him, maybe, November
1st. (Jay Leno)
Al Qaeda kingpin Osama bin Laden, reportedly "furious" that his name
was not mentioned once at last week's Republican National Convention,
fired his publicist today and warned that more changes in the Qaeda
publicity department may be imminent. (Andy Borowitz)
Al Qaeda leader Aymin al-Zawahiri is featured in a new video blasting
the U.S. It's hard to tell what's more embarrassing: the fact that he's
still free and thumbing his nose at America, or the fact that he reads
the TelePrompTer much better than Tom Brokaw. (Jake Novak)
IN THE NEWS * BUSINESS & THE ECONOMY
I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
toilet seat. (Michael McShane)
April 20, 2104: The world's leading (and only) gasoline producer,
Halliburton-Bush-OPEC, announces that the price at the pump is rising
to $1.19 this week. (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte Observer)
Continental Airlines is cutting 425 jobs. Affected employees say the
termination notice was cold. âPlease return your chairs to an upright
position and be sure to take all personal items with you.â (Alan Ray)
Experts are predicting that gas could go up to $3 a gallon by the end
of the year. But, the oil companies say no, no, no - it'll go down to
$3 a gallon by the end of the year. (Jay Leno)
President Bush's budget deficit is supposed to be stimulating job
growth. By that reckoning, the government input of an excess $500
billion this year should have produced 10 Million new jobs, each at
$50,000 annual compensation. (Bob Dvorak)
After years of criticism, Disney CEO Michael Eisner announced today
that he'll finally step down in 2006. That will give him enough time to
groom a successor, shore up his finances, and figure out what the Hell
he was thinking when they opened Euro Disney and California Adventure.
(Jake Novak)
There was a robbery in Atlantic City at one of Donald Trump's casinos.
Thieves got away with $8 million dollars in debt." (David Letterman)
IN THE NEWS * IRAQ
July 28, 2104: President Muffin X. Bush calls the war in Iraq
"practically almost just about over," declaring, "We has turned the
corner." Critics remind the president that this is the fourth time this
year she has said we have "turned the corner," which, assuming we're
not turning in random directions, would put us right back where we
started. (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte Observer)
IN THE NEWS * INTERNATIONAL
The aftermath of the terrorist attack on a Russian school has pushed
that nation into a state of confusion. Mostly because it's the first
national tragedy in the country's history that the government can't
blame on the Jews. (Jake Novak)
Russian President Vladimir Putin promised Wednesday the Red Army will
strike back whenever and wherever he feels like it. He announced that
Russia is joining the war on terrorism. We're still waiting to find out
on which side. (Argus Hamilton)
IN THE NEWS * HEALTH & SCIENCE
Bush to media: "The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth went to the African
Coast and guess what they found? A huge revolving hydromatrix generator
ten stories tall with a bunch of Democrats sitting at computers making
tropical storms and aiming them at the U. S. Mind you, the Swift Boat
Vets for Truth did this on their own. I'm not saying this. They're
saying this." Media: "Saying what?" Bush: "John Kerry's behind all the
hurricanes!" (Don Wright, The Palm Beach Post)
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration Thursday approved Actiq, a new
cancer pain drug in the form of a lollipop. Now, if they can just get
Prozac in the shape of a breast, the world will be rid of psychiatry.
(Fred Barling)
Men's Health predicted super-long lifespans in America due to much
healthier lifestyles. Evidence is pouring in. One guy gave up sugar,
bread, tobacco, sex, caffeine and alcohol, and he was healthy right up
to the day he killed himself. (Argus Hamilton)
UCLA hospital warned couples Wednesday not to use ultrasound machines
to take pre-natal baby snapshots. Sometimes pictures are essential. One
couple in Beverly Hills had a real scare during the first trimester
when they almost lost the surrogate's phone number. (Argus Hamilton)
IN THE NEWS * SPORTS
The effects of Hurricane Frances delayed yesterday's Yankees-Devil Rays
game, and Yankee fans had to wait four hours until their team finally
started to play. That's opposed to Mets fans, who have been waiting all
season for their team to start playing. (Jake Novak)
San Diego Charger football practice was delayed nearly two hours
yesterday after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery
substance on the practice field. Head Coach Marty Schottenheimer
immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators
were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, FBI forensic
experts determined that the white substance unknown to the players was
the goal line. Practice was resumed after special agents decided the
team was unlikely to encounter the substance again. (Fartiminer)
On Serena Williams' loss to Jennifer Capriati at the U.S. Open: "It was
hard to tell what was more controversial: the umpire's questionable
baseline calls, or Serena's outfit." (Nanette Wyatt)
Bobby Knight met with CBS executives in Hollywood Thursday where they
agreed to produce a situation comedy about his life as a college
basketball coach. The show is slated to begin airing next year. The
working title is Mad About Everything. (Argus Hamilton)
IN THE NEWS * ENTERTAINMENT
"The Passion of the Christ" is now in video stores. The Blockbuster
rental agreement is a bit tacky. "On the third day, the Lord will
return, or youâll be charged a late fee." (Alan Ray)
French President Jacques Chirac named Steven Spielberg a Knight in the
French Legion of Honor last night, but the ceremony was not without
controversy. While Chirac introduced Spielberg as the "genius who
directed 'E.T.,' and 'Saving Private Ryan,' he still insisted on also
describing him as "the Jew from America responsible for '1941,' and
'Jurassic Park 2.' (Jake Novak)
William Kennedy Smith was sued for sex assault by his employee Audra
Soulias last week. He met her in Bosnia and convinced her to immigrate
to America to work for him. The producers of Alien versus Predator
couldn't buy this kind of publicity. (Argus Hamilton)
Michael Moore decided Monday to submit Fahrenheit 9/11 for the Academy
Award for Best Picture against The Passion of the Christ. What a huge
ego. It's not enough that he's trying to defeat the President of the
United States, now he's trying to beat Jesus. (Argus Hamilton)
Michael Moore is submitting "Fahrenheit 9/11" to the Oscar voters for
"Best Picture," and not in the "Best Documentary" category. That's
mostly because movies nominated for "Best Picture" can be works of
fiction. (Jake Novak)
Thanks for coming out on such a hot day! Man was it hot today! What was
it 106? I tell you, it was so hot, today Michael Jackson paid off an
Eskimo kid-what would you do for a Klondike Bar? (Jay Leno)
IN THE NEWS * HISTORY & CULTURE
Do you hear that they are even making a movie now about Dan Quayle's
Vietnam War experience? It's called "Full Dinner Jacket." (Jay Leno)
Environmental groups say the national park system is under funded. Some
remote areas have not been visited by humans for centuries. And those
are the rest rooms. (Alan Ray)
On the expensive side of the tracks lawyers charge you about $50,000
for a non-contested divorce. Some will offer a discount package deal
though -- you can sign-up for three for $125,000. (Fred Barling)
IN THE NEWS * EDUCATION
The American Academy of Pediatrics says soft drinks should be
eliminated from schools to help tackle the nation's obesity epidemic.
The doctors say the drinks should be replaced in vending machines with
items the kids really need to survive in the schools these days - guns
and ammunition. (Jacob Novak)
College students head back to campus. This is a chance for an 18-22
year old to grow. Marijuana in his dorm room. (Alan Ray)
Kids head back to college this month. At most universities, the student
union is the focal point of campus life. Itâs where undergraduates hang
out in between beers. (Alan Ray)
IN THE NEWS * OTHER
After a massive rainstorm crippled New York's subway's yesterday,
trains were running normally again today. But commuters were more
impressed that even after thousands of gallons of water flooded the
system, each station still smells like urine. (Jake Novak)
A Florida man who tried to shoot seven puppies was shot himself when
one of the dogs put its paw on the revolver's trigger. So, it looks
like the NRA has finally found a new spokesman to replace Charlton
Heston! (Jake Novak)
Since you're already in the city you know it's fashion week. The entire
city is on lavender alert! (David Letterman)
It was one thing when the diner started serving "freedom" fries, but
with the debut of "without-us-your-country-would-be" toast, I think
things have gotten out of hand. (Brad Simanek)
LEGAL DISCLAIMERS
The statements of Big Brother 2004 is an attempt to make George
Orwellâs prophetic book, written over a half century ago, more relevant
to the 21st century. Any resemblance of the statements of Big Brother
2004 to those of any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
(Stan Kegel)
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