arizona humor Groaners of the Weak 10-02-04

GROANERS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 10-02-04

THE GROANERS

Crouching behind the pyramid of cantaloupes, a bottle of vodka in one
hand and a glass of tomato juice in the other, I spied my prey,
lounging languidly between the green peppers and carrots. I can only
hope the produce department lackeys at this supermarket haven't yet
instituted rules against celery stalking. (Brad Simanek)

The conservative businessman got on the elevator and curtly asked the
bellboy to take him to the 18th floor. "Sure thing, son." replied the
bellboy. "How dare you call me son!!" exclaimed the outraged man.
"Well," replied the boy... "I brought you up, didn't I?" (Douglas
Helsel)

My mother and I were walking down the street when a man stopped us.
"I'm taking a survey," he said. "Do you think there is too much sex in
movies?" "I'm not sure," replied my mother. "I'm usually too wrapped up
in the film to notice what the rest of the audience is doing."
(Reader's Digest)

Did you hear about the two bartenders arguing over how much foam to put
on top of a pint of bitter? Yeah, they were at lagerheads over the
issue. The argument about when a champagne bucket was appropriate
pailed in comparison. (Jason Dias)

A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to
help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other
night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an
Alpha Romero. Last night I dreamed I was a Porche. What does this
mean?" "Relax," says the doctor, . . "You're just having an auto-body
experience."

The doorbell rang this morning... When I opened the door, there was my
mother-in-law on the front step. She said, "Can I stay here for a few
days?" I said, "Sure you can." and shut the door in her face. (Ted
Wilson)

A friend of mine works in a busy office where a computer going down
causes quite an inconvenience. Recently, one of the computers not only
crashed, it made a sound like a heart monitor. 'This computer has
flat-lined!' a co-worker called with mock horror. 'Does anyone here
know mouse-to-mouse?' (Syman Hirsch)

A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she
wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good
selection of pink curtains. He shows her many kinds and different
fabrics of curtains she finally picks out a pink floral pattern. The
salesman asks, "What size do you need?" She says, "15 inch." He
exclaims, "15 inches! What room are they for?" She says, "It's not for
a room, it's for my computer monitor." The surprised salesman exclaims,
"Miss, computers do not need curtains." The blond says, "HELLooooooo...
I've got windows.!" (Buffy Lee)

A Blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. He tells her,
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat
the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost
at least five pounds." When the Blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20
pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my
instructions?" The Blonde nods and answers, "I'll tell you, though, I
thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you
mean?" asks the doctor. "No", replied the Blonde, "From skipping".
(Joan DeGrave)

Before setting off on a business trip to Tulsa, I called the hotel
where I'd be staying to see if they had a gym. The hotel operator's
sigh had a tinge of exasperation in it. We have over 300 guests at at
this facility, "she said. "does this 'Gym' have a last name?" (Daily
Groaner)

This of course, reminded me of a wonderful trip I took when I was in
college to the deepest darkest reigons of the Congo, where we were
advised that cannibalism was still in practice among many of the more
remote tribes. As we explored, I happened upon a young man bound to a
tree and struggling to free himself. Around his neck was a gold
medallion that read "Be Prepared". As I was loosening the ropes that
bound him I inquired "Are you a Boy Scout?" "No" he replied "The main
course".(Bradley D.)

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were
ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell
her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou
shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife." (little Johnny)

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and
announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure
would like a piece of cake when you're finished." Later, when his
mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed,
"Golly, it worked!" Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around
here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!" (Douglas
Helsel)

A man is standing on the highway, bumper to bumper, nothing moving,
when suddenly a man is tapping his window. He rolls the window down and
asks " What's up? Can I help you?" The other guy answers "President
Bush has been kidnapped by fanatic Muslims! They demand ten million
dollars, or they'll douse him with gas and set him on fire. So we're
kinda passing the bucket and collecting." "Well, I'll be glad to help.
How much are people giving?" "About a gallon each." (Able2Know)

A pedestrian is hit by a bus on a busy street. "Somebody get me a
priest," the man gasps." Out of the crowd steps an elderly man. Darth
Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father-
and-son chats, lightsabers drawn and sparks flying! Vader pinned Luke
against a bulkhead and glared into his face -- "I know what you're
getting for your birthday, Luke," he said Luke fought himself free and
jumped to a higher platform just out of Vader's reach, "How do you
know!?" Luke yelled at him. "How do you know what I'm getting for my
birthday!?" Darth Vader shot Luke an icy glare and said, "I felt your
presents." (Clean Laughs)

THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

In a very exclusive private school near California's Silicon Valley, a
third-grade teacher was lecturing her upper-high-class students about
the less fortunate. She asked them each to write an essay about a poor
family in the area. One little girl's paper began: "Once upon a time
there was a poor family. The father was poor. The mother was poor. The
children were poor. The nannies were poor. The pool man was poor. The
personal trainer was poor. The gardners were poor. ... This was a very
poor family!

A distraught dog owner called a vet pleading for an immediate
appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling
near the corner of its mouth that had appeared to grow overnight, so I
told him to bring the animal over. When the man came in with his dog,
the vet examined the animal as the man stood by, anxiously waiting the
vet's opinion. At last the doctor turned to him and asked, "Do you have
any children?" "Oh my gosh, is it contagious?" the man gasped. "No,"
the doctor answered. "It's bubble gum." (Kahan Ho)

A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night. He
awoke very ill, and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey
and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time. When he
returned, the lush remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this
town on Sunday." "There was no trouble with the liquor," replied the
bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday." (Jokes and
File)

As a youth, I totally missed the boat to Puberty Island. It sailed away
with all my classmates, leaving me standing on the dock. When it
returned, down the gangplank came tromping all these young adults
between six and eight feet tall, sporting muscles and beards and bosoms
(sometimes all three). Whereas I was still this little hairless dweeb
with a voice in the Pinocchio range.It was a difficult time for me, but
one day my mom, bless her heart, had a talk with me. She told me that
girls were not interested only in looks -- that the qualities that
really mattered were brains and a sense of humor. That little talk was
long ago, but it taught me an invaluable life lesson I have never
forgotten: Moms lie when they have to. The truth is that women are
definitely more interested in muscles than a sense of humor. You will
never hear a woman say: ''I wish Brad Pitt would put his shirt back on
and tell some jokes!'' (Dave Barry)

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm
constipated." The doctor examines him for a minute and then says,
"Lean over the table." The construction worker leans over the table,
the doctor whacks him on the rump with a baseball bat, CRACK... and
then sends him into the bathroom. He comes out a few minutes later and
says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags." (Wacky Jokes)

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away,
suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and
under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched
as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the
table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and
unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had
disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came
over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think
your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at
her and said, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door." (Katrina
Black)

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis
ball, and seeing nobody around, he slipped it into the pocket of his
shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing,
waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him saw the
large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, with her eyes
gleaming lustfully. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh,"
said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful, I had tennis
elbow once!" (Luke Davis)

A pedestrian is hit by a bus on a busy street. "Somebody get me a
priest," the man gasps." Out of the crowd steps an elderly man. "I'm
not a priest," he says, "I'm not even a Catholic. But for 50 years I've
lived behind St. Agnes church, and every night I overheard their
services. Maybe I can be of some comfort." The man kneels down next to
the victim and says in a solemn voice, "B-14, I-19, N-38, G-54, O-72."
(Tony Thoennes)

A depressed drunk decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a
tree in the park. A little bit later, a man was walking his dog and
spotted her hanging from the tree. He asked her what she is doing and
she replies, "I'm hanging myself." "You're supposed to put the noose
around your neck, not your waist,' said the onlooker. "I tried that,"
replied the drunk, "but I couldn't breath." (Bill Karpus)

A Doctor and his blonde wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
The Doctor husband gets up in a rage and says, "and you are no good in
bed either" and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he
was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. The phone rings
many times before she answers. Irritated he asks, "What took you so
long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this
late, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion," she says. (Wacky
Jokes)

At the pub, a little blonde guy exchanged words with a big bald guy,
and it looked like they were about to go to blows. "You've got a lot of
nerve for such a shrimp!" snarled the big guy. "Look, you big jerk,"
barked the little blonde guy. "I'm not scared of anybody, or anything!
I come from a long line of jumpers. My great-grandfather jumped with no
parachute from a balloon. My grand- father jumped without a 'chute from
a biplane. My mother and father both jumped from a jet. And tomorrow,
*I* jump from a rocket!" "You're crazy, you little twerp," said the big
guy. "You could get killed!" "So what?" said the little blonde guy. "I
have no family!" (Curt Dawson)

Aaron was playing a round of golf with Sidney when suddenly, Aaron
announces, "I want a divorce." "Why on earth do you want to do that?"
says Sidney. Why do you want to divorce your lovely Esther? She's
beautiful. And if I may say so, she seems so warm and gentle, with a
great figure to got with it." "Look at it this way Sidney," replies
Aaron, as he removes one of his shoes. "Just look at this shoe. The
leather seems soft and gentle, it looks great on my foot and its shape
is very modern. Don't you agree?" "Yes," replies Sidney, "but I don't
understand what you're getting at." "Well," says Aaron, "I'm the only
one who knows the shoe is pinching my toes and it hurts terribly."
(Jokes 'n' Stuff)


Turkey Recipes - World Famous Turkey Recipes
Turkey Recipes

Thanksgiving Recipes
Thanksgiving Recipes

Christmas Recipes
Christmas Recipes

Payday Loans





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