arizona humor Groaners of the Weak 10-22-04

GROANERS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 10-22-04

THE GROANERS

A surgical patient was given the usual postoperative instructions. That
night she called, wanting to know if her mother could visit. "Any
time," the doctor replied. "Why do you ask?" "It says here in your
instructions, 'no relations until after your post-op checkup.'" (Daily
Groaner)

Martin was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he
sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When asked the reason for
his haste, he shivered and explained: "I'm afraid that if I should ever
fall behind in my payments she might decide to repossess me." (Mickey
Hennigan)

"Do you remember first meeting your wife?" "Sure, I found Jill lying
face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her feet and promised her that
if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new life and I'd never
allow her near the gutter again." "Wow, I hope she appreciates what you
did for her." "Not really. Jill hated to give up bowling." (Gard
Webster)

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they
come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to
take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking
a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to
take a bath, too. Snow White relents and says, "When I get into the
water and you hear the splash, you can turn around." Snow White
undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very
moment, she is startled by a frog that jumps into the water before she
can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see
Snow White standing NAKED. Now, given that this incident is an idea for
a TV ad, what product is being advertised? "SEVEN UP" (Terry Galan)

I was making rounds one morning with a physician when we were
interrupted by a co-worker who inquired about a patient's diet. "Mrs.
Jones does nothing but complain about her food," my co-worker said.
"She says the coffee tastes like mud." "Well, it should," the doctor
quipped. "It was fresh ground this morning." (GMNI Rising)

There's a little island in the South Pacific where the waves gently lap
at the beach, and the soft wind sighs as it caresses the palms. The
palm leaves brush together in a gentle rhythm with the wind, and over
all of this one hears the soft chatter of the birds and the monkeys.
Yes, it's a choral reef. (Bob Dvorak)

The town elders were having a meeting. The subject currently on the
table: a controlled burn, which would get rid of some dead underbrush
in the woods outside of town. The town's fire chief was arguing
forcefully in favor of the burn, which he felt would forestall a
possible problem later. The town's elders, horrified at the idea of
setting a fire deliberately and feeling it was far too dangerous, tried
to shout him down...all but one, who wasn't in accord with the fire
chief's thinking but still felt he should be granted the right to speak
up at the meeting and say his piece. One of the councilmen, aghast at
his fellow member's insistence on letting the fire chief had his say,
exclaimed, "Don't tell me you're pro-risk?!" "No," the parliamentarian
answered, "I'm con-flagration." (Cynthia MacGregor)

After many years of faithful duty with the US Forest Service, their
beloved fire prevention mascot was unceremoniously "retired." Still in
the prime of his life and bearing one of the world's most recognizable
faces, he quickly found work as a spokesman for the world's leading
exporter of diamonds. He's now working as "Smokey Debeers." (Gary
Hallock)

Man works in a hardware store, and all of a sudden one day, a whole lot
of tins of paint fall on him. Of course, he's whisked off to hospital
where they manage to clean him up physically, but mentally there's some
definite scarring. It was such an unusual case that the psychologist,
treating the victim, called it by a brand-new term - Post-chromatic
Stress Disorder. (By Leonie Edge)

The minister was exhausted as he started planning his afternoon. He
decided he had better take a nap before he canvassed the congregation
about their thoughts on a new organ and then performed the Smedley
wedding. thus his schedule read, peter, poll and marry. (Norm
Stevenson)

A prison inmate had his prosthetic leg confiscated after he used it in
a brawl with another prisoner. When the inmate found out the
authorities were taking away his leg, he was hopping mad. (Bree
Schultz)

There's a scuba diving geologist who has made it his business to
measure the relative sizes of the rises, drops, cavities and
undulations of coral formations. Of course this can only be done in
the summer months so he takes the winters off to avoid the frigid air.
You may tag him as a frost-free reef ridge rater. (Gary Hallock)

THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

One day this mechanic was working late under a car and some brake fluid
dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting" he
thought. Next day he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "Not
bad," he said. "Think I'll have a little more today." His friend got a
little concerned but didn't say anything. Next day he told about
drinking a cup full of the brake fluid. "Great stuff! Think I'll have
some more today." And so he did. A few days later he was up to a bottle
a day, and told his friend "This brake fluid is really great stuff."
His friend was now really worried. "You know that brake fluid is poison
and really bad for you. You better stop drinking that stuff." "Hey, no
problem," he said, ... "I can stop any time. (Douglas Helsel)

James Bennett, no fan of rival publisher William Randolph Hearst, was
one day irked to discover that Hearst was plotting to buy his ailing
New York Herald. Sure enough, he soon received a correspondence from
Hearst asking how much the newspaper would cost, and promptly sent a
cable in return... "Price of Herald is three cents daily. Five cents
Sunday. -Bennett." (Clean laffs)

During the Second World War an American secret service agent was sent
to Wales to pick up some very sensitive information from an agent
called Jones. His instructions were to walk around town using a code
phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate
country road and where he ran into a farmer. "Hello," said the agent,
"I'm looking for a man called Jones." "Well you're in luck boy-o," said
the farmer, "there's lots of folk named Jones 'round here. There's
Jones the butcher, Jones the baker, Jones the blacksmith, why even my
name is Jones." "Aha," thought the agent, "this could be my man." So he
whispered the secret code. "The sun is shining... the grass is
growing... the cows are ready for milking." "Oh," said the farmer,
"you're looking for Jones the spy." (Dean Rackley)

Two heavy drinkers were standing at the bar, downing one beer after
another. When they had gotten a little inebriated, one man said to the
other, "I bet you one hundred dollars you cannot swallow one hundred
coins!" The second man said, "Bartender! Another round for both of us.
And, I got 20 cents back, right? Well, give me the change all in
pennies -- and another dollar's worth, besides!!" After he finished
drinking the brew, and drinking the pennies down, he passed out on the
floor -- completely unconscious! When the bartender called the
ambulance, a local newspaper reporter showed up at the hospital where
he was taken. "How is he doing?" the reporter asked. The Doctors
monitoring his situation say, "So far, no change." (Joan DeGrave)

Customers of a pharmaceutical company were constantly being pestered
for testimonials to use in promoting the firm's products. Finally one
senior citizen decided he'd had enough. "I've been totally deaf for the
last fifteen years", he wrote. "But after using your ointment for only
two weeks, I heard from my brother in Phoenix." (Herm Albright)

The new Vice Principal, made an announcement, over the school intercom
"The staff and students would like to congratulate Mr. Spenser on his
forthcoming marriage." Later, when she saw him he thanked her for the
special attention. He added, that perhaps, for grade school, she should
use smaller words. It seems 2 or 3 students had asked him about his 3
earlier marriages. (Bill Stebbins)

My daughter's husband owns thoroughbred horses, and she was upset with
him because he was spending so much time with them. One day while she
was out shopping, she saw a bumper sticker that read "Treat her like a
thoroughbred so she won't become a nag." Amused and trying to get her
point across, she bought one and put it on the back of her husband's
truck. A day or two later, her husband came home one night on time,
kissed his wife and gave her a small box wrapped with a blue ribbon.
Inside were two sugar cubes. (Patricia/Haust Javeri)

Mark Twain sat on the train next to a gloom-and-doomer who said, "Do
you realize that every time I take a breath, 10,000 people on this
planet die?" Twain replied, "Hmmm...ever try cloves?" (Douglas Helsel)

A four-year-old was showing a little friend the family photos that
covered one wall in their basement. Out of sight but not out of
earshot, her mother overheard her say, "Here's a picture of my mommy
when she was a little girl. I wasn't there, but people say she used to
be nice."(Bill Stebbins)






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