arizona humor Humerus Puns Of The Weak 10-01-04

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS for 10-01-04
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY

A full transcript of Thursday's presidential debate between President
George W. Bush and Democratic nominee John Kerry was released today
(Wednesday, sparking criticism that the debate has been overly
choreographed by the committee representing the two major parties.
(Andy Borowitz)

Yesterday President Bush gave a major speech about Iraq. Today John
Kerry gave a major speech about Iraq. You know what this means? The
war in Vietnam may finally be over ladies and gentleman. (Jay Leno)

Compassionate Conservatism Circa 1967: Transplanting the heart of a
dying man into another man is against God and against mankind. It must
be banned.
Compassionate Conservatism Circa 2004: Using stem-cells from already
aborted embryos to cure disease is against God and against mankind. It
must be banned. (Stan Kegel)

What an election choice: A flip-flopper, or a flop. (Doug Robarchek,
Charlotte Observer)

A large number of soldiers being reactivated for duty in Iraq have not
yet reported to their bases, prompting the Army to threaten some with
punishment for desertion. Reservists who report a month late will be
fined, those who delay for 3 months will face prison, and soldiers who
don't report for a year or more will get the Republican nomination for
president. (Jake Novak)

Kerry: "George Bush lives in a fantasy land!" Bush: "Oh, please. You're
the lifelong Red Sox fan." (Steve Kelley, The New Orleans
Times-Picayune)

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said today that it was unfair to
compare the upcoming Iraqi elections to those held in America, "except
for Florida." (Jon Stewart)

And G-d said to Jeb: "Count all the votes and I will lift the plague of
hurricanes." (Bonnie D. Graham)

Rumors are already circulating about the formation of a third party to
run in the 2008 elections, a party that could unify all Americans. The
proposed candidates are John Moore and Jeb Bush. Their slogan would be,
"Everyone wants Moore Bush" (Stan Kegel)

Aide to Bush: "Our best intelligence reports say the situation is
deteriorating! More explosions and flare-ups expected! This calls for
our usual rapid response!" Bush standing on rim of volcano: "Mount
Saint Helens is safer than ever!" (Kevin Siers, The Charlotte Observer)

All the experts have been on TV saying the one thing that each
candidate must do to win. Like Kerry can't look like a know-it-all. And
Bush can't be too simplistic. So basically the entire presidential race
comes down to this, the smart guy has to look a little dumber, and the
dumb guy has to look a little smarter. To win, each guy has to pretend
to be more like the other guy. (Jay Leno)

Republicans are calling George W. Bush the greatest American President
of the 21st century. Democrats counter that Bush was the worst
President of the 20th Century. But that's only because most of them are
too young to remember Calvin Coolidge. (Stan Kegel)

Capital steps laughs at supporters of both candidates.
http://www.capsteps.com/sounds/kerrybush-medley.mp3
Also listen to the Edwards-Cheney debate:

or go to http://www.capsteps.com for the songs of the past 5 weeks

IN THE NEWS * TODAY'S COMIC STRIPS

"The trouble with you Democrats is that all you guys do is Bash Bush.
'Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction' 'Bush lied about a link
between Iraq and Al-Qaeda' 'Bush let Osama get away.' You can't run on
that stuff. You need more than that." "Why?" (Ted Rall, The Washington
Post)

"Hello, I'm Dan Rather and this is 60 Minutes 2. Much has been made
regarding the authenticity of memos that suggest special treatment in
President Bush's National Guard service and who better to comment than
Iowa Senator Tom Harkin." " Thanks, Dan. President Bush should be
ashamed! These documents show his service in the Guard to be a sham!
I'm convinced of their authenticity." "And lest our viewers forget,
Senator Harkin, you were forced out of the 1988 presidential race for
making up your own service record." "Right, Dan. When it comes to
frauds, I'm in the know!" (Prickly City: Scott Stantis)

A young girl tells her father that she accidentally hit the send button
on the computer before she was ready. Father reassures her not to
worry, that it could cause little harm. Suddenly the TV announces:
"This just in. Despite the election being over a month away, the states
using computer voting machines have just reported their final tally."
The girl walks away whistling. (Non Sequitur: Wiley)

Today George Bush and John Kerry are coming to Pigville in search of
Candorville's one remaining swing vote. The swing voter is a nearly
extinct species of man who's so open-minded and deliberate that he
hasn't yet decided which candidate deserves his vote, even after months
of debate. I wonder who this last noble voter is.. Hippy-like teen
being interviewed, "Check it, fool. The one dude looks like Herman
Munster and I like the Munstrs. But the other dude is straight up
gangsta which appeals to me" (Candorville: Darrin Bell)

"I can't believe Dan rather won't admit those memos about the
President's National Guard service are obvious fakes. I mean, you used
to be able to trust TV news. Walter Cronkite, Huntley and Brinkley. And
now… look who I'm talking to, a guy who gets all his news from Comedy
Central" "Jon Stewart hasn't lied to me yet." (Prickly City: Scott
Stantis)

IN THE NEWS * THE DEBATES

John Kerry will debate President Bush in Florida. Right now Kerry has
a bad cold, you can barely understand what he's saying, so it looks
like it should be a fair fight. In fact his voice is so bad, doctors
have advised him to rest his throat and only give one position on each
issue for awhile. (Jay Leno)

They've scheduled the presidential debates. It'll be John Kerry and
George Bush. There's going to be three debates. And there's going to be
categories. Each debate will have a separate category. First category
is domestic policy. Second category is foreign policy. The third
category will be girl groups from the '60s. (David Letterman)

Many political experts are complaining that the strict rules for the
Presidential debates will provide few surprises. But organizers insist
there's nothing in the rules that will stop President Bush from
uttering a coherent sentence and John Kerry from sticking to one
position for more than 30 minutes. (Jake Novak)

The new rule for the debate this year: candidates can't touch each
other. ... This is the result of a last series of debates where Al Gore
tried to get George Bush to dirty dance. (David Letterman)
CBS News said Sunday Dan Rather will anchor the presidential debates
despite rumors of the anchor's imminent firing. People who thought Dan
Rather would be with CBS forever forgot the first rule of show
business. Only penguins mate for life. (Argus Hamilton)

There are some rules in the debates. The candidates for example must
stand at least ten feet apart. They must not address each other
directly. It's the same rules in the John Kerry and Teresa Heinz
pre-nup agreement. (David Letterman)

Coral Gables will host the first presidential debate between President
Bush and John Kerry Thursday. They picked Florida for a good reason. At
this point Floridians are like a Bob Hope audience in a war zone, they
will laugh at anything. (Argus Hamilton)

The first debate between President Bush and John Kerry will be held on
the campus of the football powerhouse, the University of Miami.
Organizers chose the site because like a Miami football game, it's
really a better idea to watch the debate after you spend about 3 hours
getting drunk. (Jake Novak)

The first presidential debate is Thursday. The final weeks of a
campaign are always hectic. Candidates only have a few more
opportunities for last minute name calling. (Alan Ray)

John Kerry asked Wednesday that the debate room temperature be below
seventy degrees because he sweats. Image is everything. Politicians
look a lot better in debates ever since Max Factor invented a new
television makeup called Instant Honest. (Argus Hamilton)

Well, the first Kerry-Bush debate between President Bush and John Kerry
takes place Thursday in Miami. And today, thousands of local residents
began evacuating. (David Letterman)

The first presidential debate is Thursday in Florida. I think it's
Bush's way of saying thank-you for that last crooked election. (David
Letterman)

Coral Gables will host the first presidential debate between President
Bush and John Kerry Thursday. They picked Florida for a good reason. At
this point Floridians are like a Bob Hope audience in a war zone, they
will laugh at anything. (Argus Hamilton)

Despite Hurricane Jeanne, this Thursday's presidential debate in Miami
is still on. Is that a good idea with a hurricane going? Do you realize
if both candidates were to drown, we could be looking at President
Ralph Nader? (Jay Leno)

The two sides have been going through all sorts of (debate)
negotiations. Supposedly there’s a perspiration clause, which requires
the room to be kept at a certain temperature to prevent sweating. The
Bush team wants the president to be far enough away from Kerry that
people won't see how much shorter he is. Also on the height issue, the
Bush people want a podium small enough that he doesn’t appear short,
but still big enough that Dick Cheney can hide inside it. (Jimmy
Kimmel)

Before the debate, Bush is concerned about the lectern, he's worried
about the room temperature and the lighting. Kerry is making the
mistake of worrying about the issues. (David Letterman)

The first presidential debate is Thursday in Miami. John Kerry is not
happy with the format. One minute responses for questions don’t give
him a lot of time to detail both of his answers. (Alan Ray)

Are you all ready for the presidential debate this Thursday? It's kind
of like "The Apprentice" except WE get to fire somebody. (Jay Leno)

Debates experts say President Bush could win if he doesn't get off
message. But John Kerry could win if he gets a message. (Jay Leno)

I tell you, Bush is working very hard getting prepared for these
debates. He got one of those 'Hooked on Phonics' tapes. (Jay Leno)

Problems at Kerry debate prep: They keep trying to tell him he doesn't
talk like a regular average Joe and he said, "Au contraire!" (Jay Leno)

Ralph Nader couldn't get into the debates in Florida. But here's the
good news: Nader will be making a special appearance on "CSI: Miami" as
a guest cadaver. (David Letterman)

During last night's debate, President Bush and John Kerry agreed that
the biggest threat facing America is the chance that nuclear weapons
could get into the hands of a terrorist network. The only difference is
the President believes that terrorist network is CBS. (Jake Novak)

In last night's debate, President Bush said he was very concerned about
Russian President Putin's decision to eliminate democratic rights, all
in the name of fighting terrorism. But of course the President always
hates it when people steal his best ideas. (Jake Novak)

A quick poll of Americans who watched the debate on TV Thursday night
found that 53% thought John Kerry did a better job, 37% thought
President Bush prevailed, and the other 10% were angry that Donald
Trump didn't fire anybody. (Jake Novak)

Two men fishing, one reading a paper: "Did you watch the debate?" "Far
as I'm concerned, debate is something you put in the water." (Mike
Lester, Rome, News-Tribune)

IN THE NEWS * HURRICANES AND THE WEATHER

The National Weather Service has issued a warning for yet another
catastrophic hurricane following on the heels of Ivan and Jeanne. The
path of this hurricane zigs and zags, and is therefore highly
unpredictable. Experts predict that this one will cause the most damage
to the United States that we have experienced in four years. They are
naming this one Hurricane Kerry. Be advised, the only way for citizens
to protect themselves is by hiding behind a Bush. (Firesong)

When asked about the recent weather in Florida, one resident said he
was blown away. (Leonard Stevens)

Monterey County in California was hit by a huge earthquake Tuesday.
Florida cleaned up after its fourth hurricane while a volcano
threatened to erupt near Seattle. John Kerry said it proves that
President Bush is losing the war on weather. (Argus Hamilton)

NASA reported that a three-mile-wide asteroid came within a million
miles of striking Earth Wednesday. It was large enough to cause global
devastation if it hit the planet. Without even being told, Florida
residents boarded up their ceilings. (Argus Hamilton)

Cheney: "If Kerry is elected, there will be more hurricanes. (John
Deering, the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette)

IN THE NEWS * THE MILITARY

Thirty percent of former US soldiers----the Individual Ready
Reserve----who have been called back to serve in Afghanistan and Iraq
have failed to report. In a related story, John Travolta is considering
a re-release of "Staying Alive." (Jerry Lerman)

During a speech this week John Kerry said if President Bush is
re-elected he might bring back a military draft. When asked, Bush said,
"Trust me, even if I bring back the draft there are plenty of ways to
get around it." (Conan O'Brien)

Bush: "We have no plans to bring back the draft. But even if we did…"
Cheney: "Dick and I can show you how to beat it! Big Time!" (Mike
Keefe, The Denver Post)

IN THE NEWS * ASSAULT WEAPONS

Assault Weapons Ban Lifted, President Proclaims "Free At Last, Free At
Last, Thank God Almighty, We're Free To Mince Bambi Into Kibbles 'N
Bits With AK-47's At Last!" (Whitehouse.org)

Bush: Even though I swore to uphold the ban on assault weapons in 2000,
I do not flip-flop like that Kerry character does. (Stan Kegel)

IN THE NEWS * GEORGE W. BUSH & DICK CHENEY

President Bush attended the opening of the Smithsonian Institute
American Indian Museum. President Bush said he was proud of the history
of the Indians and proud that the white man could come to this country
to liberate them and bring them democracy. (Jay Leno)

A conservative Republican group has launched a series of TV ads which
accuse John Kerry of being an "elitist." Of course, for President Bush,
anyone who can correctly pronounce the word "elitist" is an elitist.
(Patrick M. Rhody)

President Bush ripped John Kerry for sending mixed signals to the enemy
and our allies and U.S. troops. Indecisiveness has its virtues. No one
was more decisive than George Armstrong Custer and the last thing that
went through his mind was an arrow. (Argus Hamilton)

Bush bragged that more Iraqis say their country is on the right track
than American say our country is on the right track. Boy, there’s a
campaign slogan for you -- "America: More F*cked Up Than Fallujah!"
(Bill Maher)

President Bush says that he has no regrets about standing on the deck
of an aircraft carrier last year with a sign behind him declaring
"Mission Accomplished." But that's only because he's still really proud
that he was able to spell it right. (Jake Novak)

President Bush said that he has no plans to read a new book trashing
him, by Kitty Kelley. When reporters asked him why he wasn't going to
read it, he said, "Because it's a book.'" (Jay Leno)

TV: "Mistakes were made. I'm sorry." Viewer: "Hah! Dan Rather! Can't
believe a word he says. See ya!" TV: "Saddam has WMDs. The economy is
strong, Social Security is safe and we're winning the peace." Viewer:
"At least Bush is honest with me." (Bruce Plante, The Chattanooga Times
Free Press)

Reporter in the middle of a hurricane storm, "Continued clear and
sunny" Caption: If George W. Bush had been a weatherman. (Walt
Handelsman, Newsday)

George W. Bush refused to take Al-Quada seriously before 9/11. He
failed to get Osama dead or alive. He diverted resources from the war
on Al-Quada to Iraq. Only Bush can protect us! Caption: "Mission
Accomplashed" (Tony Auth, The Philadelphia Inquirer)

Bush shooting off six-guns in all directions wildly. Mother, small
child in hand, says, "I' m voting for him because he makes me feel
safe." (Daryl Cagle, Slate)

IN THE NEWS * JOHN KERRY & JOHN EDWARDS

John Kerry vowed to go after terrorists Thursday and defeat them his
way. He does things just so. If John Kerry is president, he will have
two buttons on his phone inside the nuclear briefcase, one for the
butler and one for the night butler. (Argus Hamilton)

John Kerry told Temple University Friday he will wage war in Iraq
differently. It's called personal diplomacy. Due to his superior people
skills and sensitivity he will be better able to get allies to send
their soldiers into the wrong war at the wrong time. (Argus Hamilton)

John Kerry hired a bunch of former Clinton advisers. Don't kid
yourself, these guys are good. They're the ones who got him elected
twice to president. So now, they're working for Kerry. The first thing
they did, honest to God, they got Kerry a chubby girlfriend. (David
letterman)

Forbes magazine came out with their list of the 400 richest Americans
... And this year there are 50 women on the Forbes richest list, or as
John Kerry calls that, his little black book. (Jay Leno)

John Kerry says if he's elected president, he will go to the U.N. and
persuade the other nations to help fight the war on terror. We can't
get them to pay their parking tickets. Why don't you start with that?
(Jay Leno)

IN THE NEWS * THE CLINTONS

Bill Clinton waved to photographers on Tuesday as he walked out to his
patio to read a book. His recovery is right on schedule. He was wearing
a baseball cap sideways in a transparent attempt to get Britney Spears
to pretend to marry him. (Argus Hamilton)

Bill Clinton was photographed walking Saturday as he recuperated
comfortably from his recent heart bypass. The operation didn't go
smoothly at all. Every time the surgeon called for suction, the patient
regained consciousness and denied everything. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * HURRICANES AND THE WEATHER

The fourth hurricane this year is hitting Florida. Jeb Bush said if the
state were any more devastated, his brother would declare it a complete
success (Bill Maher)

There's an increased likelihood that Mount St. Helens may erupt again
in the coming weeks. Experts say that's because of a strengthening
series of tremors in the volcano, and the mountain is probably jealous
of all the coverage the hurricanes have been getting on CNN. (Jake
Novak)

So far, Hurricane Ivan has hit Alabama, Georgia, South Carolina, North
Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, New York and
Texas. Next up, the storm will face it's most formidable opponent to
date: "Jeopardy!" champion Ken Jennings. (Elliott Schiff)

IN THE NEWS * THE LAW AND THE COURTS

I hear that Martha Stewart is going to be assigned to drive the John
Deere on the prison farm. Which means she will be running a federal con
tractor. (Norm Stevenson)

Martha Stewart is calling the Bureau of Prisons' decision to send her
to a camp in West Virginia, "a disappointment,' since she wanted to be
closer to members of her family and her attorneys. However, the
decision is being hailed as a "victory" by members of her family and
her attorneys. (Jake Novak)

Defense lawyer Lynne Stewart says she gets perks for representing
Islamic extremists, including getting free food from Arab vendors on
the streets of New York. On the other hand, the men and women
prosecuting Islamic extremists say they face many added dangers... like
getting free food from Arab vendors on the streets of New York. (Jake
Novak)

Legendary rock producer Phil Spector went nuts outside the courtroom
when he was indicted for murder Monday. He didn't understand the
justice system in Los Angeles. Maybe next time he'll agree to listen to
a few of the songs the judge wrote. (Argus Hamilton)

Johnnie Cochran was taken to the U.S. Supreme Court on Tuesday by a
disgruntled client who claims the defense attorney is unfit to
practice. That's ridiculous. Johnnie Cochran is such a great lawyer
that he even had O.J. convinced he didn't do it. (Argus Hamilton)

Have you heard about this - Martha Stewart has been ordered to report
to Alderson Federal Prison West Virginia by October 8th. What does that
mean "by" October 8th? Why would you go sooner? Do a lot of criminals
like to get to prison a few days early? So they understand, so it?s not
all rush, rush, rush the first day. Get your curtains up, paint the
room, do that kind of thing. (Jay Leno)

IN THE NEWS * THE POLLS

President Bush is leading John Kerry in an unscientific poll by a chili
company in Nashville. They sold twenty-four hundred cans of
Conservative Republican Texas Chili Beans and only twenty- two hundred
cans of Liberal Democrat Boston Baked Beans. We have got a lot of nerve
accusing Saddam Hussein of gassing his own people. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * THE MEDIA

Republicans are now saying that Dan Rather should lose his job because
he misled the country with bogus information. Which is odd because the
Democrats are saying the exact same thing about President Bush. (Jay
Leno)

Janet Jackson's 'wardrobe malfunction' cost CBS $550 grand this week.
Boy, what a tough week for the network. First, the false documents on
President Bush's National Guard record and now this. CBS says they have
learned their lesson, no more trying to expose boobs. (Bill Maher)

IN THE NEWS * THE ELECTION

Donald Rumsfeld said they are going to have elections even if only
three quarters of the country votes. He said life isn't perfect. He
said sometime when you have elections, you have to exclude parts of the
country. You know, like we did with the blacks in Florida. (Bill Maher)

John Kerry said that you can't have fair and free elections in a place
where there's no rule of law. President Bush said, "Oh yeah, what if
your brother's governor of that state?" (Jay Leno)

What do you call elections where a large percentage of people do not
vote?
The American way (Michael Ramirez, The Los Angeles Times)

Since the American people don't elect the president anyway, why not
eliminate the whole slow, inefficient, corrupt and horrifically
expensive sham-election process? Here's a more rational way to choose a
leader, combining a face-to-face debate with a real test of how
knowledgeable, steady and quick-witted the candidates are: Let George
W. Bush and John Kerry play "Jeopardy" for electoral votes. And lest
anyone complain that the deck is stacked, to make it a fair contest,
mispronounced answers would be accepted. What do you say, folks? The
person more of us vote for may or may not become president anyway, so
why not simplify the whole process? (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte
Observer)

George W. Bush sees a domino effect from Iraq. If democratically held
elections work in that country, they could eventually spread to
Florida. (Alan Ray)

IN THE NEWS • THE STATES

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is banning smoking in all California
prisons. With no cigarettes, the only thing left for the prisoners to
use as currency will be jugs of Vaseline. (Jake Novak)

After an earthquake in central California failed to cause any serious
damage, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger called the 5.9 trembler "a
girlie quake." (Andy Borowitz)

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is banning the force-feeding
of ducks to make the gourmet dish foie gras. But he will allow farmers
to use other methods to make the ducks larger, including bringing them
to Gold's Gym for a complete workout every morning. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * THE MEDIA

Welcome to the show. I have a warning for everyone before we start. CBS
can not vouch for the authenticity of these jokes. (David Letterman)

IN THE NEWS * TERRORISM

The former singer Cat Stevens, now known by his Islamic name Yusuf
Islam, was questioned by the FBI after his plane to Washington was
diverted because his name was on a government terror list. You know
it's bad enough our two candidates for president are stuck in the 70s.
Apparently so is airport security. (Jay Leno)

President Bush says he's very excited about Cat Stevens. He says that
we are winning the war on singer/song writers. (David Letterman)

Tom Ridge said today that Stevens was on the no-fly list because recent
intelligence indicates he likes Hamas. Cat Stevens shook his head.
"That's hummus." (Tom Burka)

Three years after the Sept. 11 attacks, more than 120,000 hours of
potentially valuable terrorism-related recordings have not yet been
translated by linguists at the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and
computer problems may have led the bureau to systematically erase some
Qaeda recordings, according to a declassified summary of a Justice
Department investigation that was released on Monday. Today the FBI
revealed today it had accidentally erased possibly important tapes of
intercepted al Qaeda communications because they had been stored on the
Agency's TIVO digital video recorder. "The tapes were erased to make
room for a very special episode of 'Everybody Loves Raymond,'" said a
spokesman. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * BUSINESS &THE ECONOMY

Britney Spears is coming out with her own line of perfume. She
guarantees the scent will last for at least 55 hours, long enough to go
from wedding to annulment without having to re-apply. (Patrick M.
Rhody)

General Electric formerly located it's customer service call center
in-house and onshore. Then the firm moved it offshore to India to cut
it's cost but kept it technically in-house. Now GE has decided to keep
the call center offshore but sell it off so it is no longer in-house.
GE is calling this latest move "out-housing," since their service in
recent years has admittedly gone in the crapper. (John Marien)

Reebok is voluntarily recalling 140,000 of it's Allen Iverson toddler
shoes because of a potential choking hazard, the Consumer Product
Safety Commission said Monday. The company had previously recalled
it's Latrell Sprewell model for the same exact reason. (David Parrish)

Wall Street reeled when crude oil hit fifty dollars a barrel on Monday.
It's a sneaky plot. Democrats think if they can get the price up to
sixty dollars by October, Bush and Cheney will concede the election and
go back into the oil business. (Argus Hamilton)

There's a new $50 bill out to help stop counterfeiting. They made some
changes to Ulysses Grant. There's now a red and blue background,
glowing threads, and ink that changes from copper to green. Sounds like
someone got a queer makeover. (David Letterman)

IN THE NEWS * IRAQ

For the first time ever an organized baseball game was played in Iraq.
I'm glad there wasn't a chair throwing incident like the one that
happened in San Francisco. Cause the last thing you want to see is the
Shiite hit the fan. (Jay Leno)

Two soldiers, one with an assault weapon, the other reading a newspaper
headlined "Kerry's Flip-Flop on Iraq Policy" One says, "Unlike the
President's policy which is just a flop." (Clay Bennett, The Christian
Science Monitor)

President Bush and Iraqi Prime Minister Allawi were here this week to
say things are going very well in Iraq indeed. Although Allawi did
admit there are pockets of terrorists. Most of whom are in one area,
called Iraq. (Bill Maher)

President Bush and Allawi have gotten their story straight. Some
newspapers have pointed out that not only did Allawi use a lot of the
themes that Bush uses, but some of the same phrases that are in the
Bush campaign. For example, Allawi said, "Yes Iraq, we have problems.
But it's still better than when we under the heel of a brutal
flip-flopper." (Bill Maher)

Yesterday in Washington, Iraq Prime Minister Iyad Allawi thanked
President Bush for liberating his country from Saddam Hussein, then
Allawi said, 'Oh please don't make me go back there." (Conan O'Brien)

Oh, so Iraqis are more optimistic about their country than Americans
are about ours? I don't think that helps you. (Jon Stewart, after
President Bush touted a poll showing that the right track/wrong track
in Iraq was better than in America)

The U.S. has sent several lawyers to Iraq to help prosecute Saddam
Hussein for war crimes. It's going to cost $75 million, which seems
like a lot, considering Judge Judy has already said she'd do it for a
million bucks, plus expenses. (Patrick M. Rhody)

Allawi holding document titled "Traqi Democracy" Rumford: "Well, so be
it! So you have an election that's not quite perfect." Bush smiling:
"That's what you have a Supreme Court for!" (Kevin Siers, The Charlotte
Observer)

.IN THE NEWS * INTERNATIONAL

The U.N. conducted a worldwide survey with only one question: "Would
you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a total failure.
Africans didn't know what "food" meant. Eastern Europeans didn't know
what "honest" meant. Western Europeans didn't know what "shortage"
meant. The Chinese didn't know what "opinion" meant. Middle Easterners
didn't know what "solution" meant. South Americans didn't know what
"please" meant. And the Americans didn't know what "the rest of the
world" meant! (Dil Say)

I realize now that is is no more dangerous here (Jerusalem) than it is
to be in New York" (Madonna)

A man in Helsinki is selling his services as a "rent-a-husband" for
$25 an hour, to do chores around the house, but he insists he is not
selling sexual services... that's being taken care of by a separate
business called, "rent-a-pool boy." (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * HEALTH & SCIENCE

Well it is now officially fall - it's hard to believe it's officially
fall. That's what I miss back east - the fall colors. See it's so
different out here in Los Angeles. See out here when we have bright
orange, yellow, and reds, it just means all the trees are on fire. (Jay
Leno)

The Fred Hutchinson Cancer Center said Tuesday men who drink a glass of
wine a day are less likely to get prostate cancer. However, they didn't
bother testing the effects of wine on women. There has already been
centuries of research on that. (Argus Hamilton)

Swiss scientists have discovered what they believe is Europe's biggest
fungus. Actually, American scientists found it 250 years ago and named
it "France." (Jake Novak)

According to scientific research, dogs have the ability to smell cancer
in people. That means if a dog is sniffing you, it either likes you or
you're going to die. (Jay Leno)

U. S. Government to Big Tobacco companies: "We're slapping you with a
$280.000.000.000 lawsuit for 50 years of deceiving the public about the
ravages of smoking. And I almost forgot, here's this month's tobacco
subsidy check. (Stuart Carlson, Milwaukee Sentinel)

British entrepreneur Richard Branson plans to launch the world’s first
passenger service into outer space in the year 2007. Fly into outer
space. Isn’t that unbelievable? They say the flight will be available
to everyone except Cat Stevens. (Jay Leno)

Pfizer appealed the Chinese government's decision to ignore its Viagra
patent. The erection drug has a huge market in China, where many exotic
substances are used to maintain virility. Don't ask what Bill Clinton's
discarded artery fetched on eBay in Canton. (Argus Hamilton)

Merck Pharmaceuticals joined the fight against obesity Tuesday and
announced it's developing a nasal spray drug that helps people shed
pounds. The company said you just spray it up your nose and you lose
weight. Disco ball sold separately. (Argus Hamilton)

Doctors in Alabama say they've completed a surgery that has made the
local Zoo's resident ape the first gorilla to receive an advanced
pacemaker. But if that's really true, it must mean that Dick Cheney's
pacemaker is out of date. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * SPORTS

Lance Armstrong's five-million-dollar cash bonus for capturing his
sixth Tour de France was withheld Friday pending a drug test on him.
Why should he need to be on anything? Bicycling over the Alps is as
natural as hitting seventy-three home runs. (Argus Hamilton)

Los Angeles Dodger star Shawn Green took a day off Saturday during a
pennant race for his religion's holiest day of the year, Yom Kippur.
He's very sincere about it. It's not like when Dan Rather refuses to
work on George Washington's Birthday. (Argus Hamilton)

Deion Sanders, after two years of NFL retirement, left CBS Sports last
week to play cornerback for the Baltimore Ravens. He's trying to
improve his skills as a football analyst. Three more concussions and he
will be as good as Terry Bradshaw. (Argus Hamilton)

Major League Baseball agreed Friday to move the Montreal Expos to
Washington D.C. It's bad news for Rickey Henderson. Every time the
budget bill comes up there will be four hundred thirty- five
congressmen competing for the all-time steal record. (Argus Hamilton)

Major League Baseball agreed Friday to move the Montreal Expos to
Washington D.C. this week. The sport will be an odd fit in the nation's
capital. The difference between baseball and politics is if you get
caught stealing in baseball, you're out. (Argus Hamilton)

Thousands rallied in New York yesterday in support of building a new
stadium for the Jets on Manhattan's West Side. Bringing Jets fans to
Manhattan would be a boon to restaurants, bars and every pharmacy that
sells anti-depressants on Sundays. (Jake Novak)

According to a new study, by the year 2156, female athletes will have
closed the gender gap enough so that they will be able to beat men in
Olympic events. The news is shocking sports fans who can't believe it's
going to take women more than 150 years just to get the same steroids
the men are taking now. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * ENTERTAINMENT

The new thriller, "The Forgotten," topped the box office this weekend.
The film is about a mysterious power that tries to convince people that
the horrible things that have happened never occurred... kind of like
what they're doing at the Bush campaign. (Jake Novak)

Congratulations to our good friend Billy Joel, received a star on the
Hollywood Walk of Fame on Monday. Quite an accomplishment. This is the
first time that Billy's been up on the sidewalk without his car. (Jay
Leno)

Barbra Streisand is in final negotiations to star as Ben Stiller's mom
in the sequel to Meet the Parents. Before she agrees, she wants to make
sure the script meets her approval. To do that, it will have to contain
the phrase, "President Bush is the devil," at least three times.
(Patrick M. Rhody)

UPN has ordered model Tyra Banks to cut out part of this week's episode
of her show, America's Next Top Model, because it showed an orgy with
the contestants and several men. As a professional courtesy, Banks is
going to provide an uncut copy of the show to Bill Clinton. (Patrick M.
Rhody)

Woody Allen was reported in New York Friday to be shopping his
autobiography to publishers around town. In the book he freely admits
to a chauvinist view of relationships. He wears the pants in the
family, especially after the court order. (Argus Hamilton)

According to the world entertainment news network, Justin Timberlake
had planned to marry Cameron Diaz this Christmas, but called it off
because his mom thinks he's too young to marry. I don't know. You think
he's too young to marry? You know how you can tell if you're too young
to get married? If your mom won't let you! (Jay Leno)

In his new autobiography, Bob Dylan admits he's often "hated and
feared" the people who come to his home and follow him around on tour.
But you won't need to buy his book for proof that Dylan dislikes his
fans; for that you just have to listen to his last 3 albums. (Jake
Novak)

Legendary rock producer Phil Spector went nuts outside the courtroom
when he was indicted for murder Monday. He didn't understand the
justice system in Los Angeles. Maybe next time he'll agree to listen to
a few of the songs the judge wrote. (Argus Hamilton)

The new TV season has begun. Several shows will have audiences
guessing. “Wonder what’s new out at Blockbuster? (Alan Ray)

I was talking earlier to the audience about the rain. It's rained all
day today and will tonight. It's rained so much that Oprah is giving
away boats."(David Letterman)

IN THE NEWS * HISTORY & CULTURE

Indian talking to his son in front of the National Museum of the
American Indian says, "Kind of ironic. We used to own the land it was
built on. (Mike Keefe, The Denver Post)

Parent to teen, in the year 2025: "I don't know how you kids can listen
to that `scrank' music all the time. Don't you ever have the urge to
hear some good music?"We got you that CDMS microkizzle of classic
oldies from Eminem, but you never play it. "When we were your age,
music had some heart, some feeling to it. Your dad and I still get all
romantic when we hear our song: `Ho, Ah Mone Slap Yo Big Ol Butt.'
(Doug Robarchek, Charlotte Observer)

A survey shows L. A. workers are the happiest in the U.S. The majority
put in a 9-5 day. And that's just on the freeway. (Alan Ray)

IN THE NEWS * RELIGION

"I've never seen a man in my life I wanted to marry, And I'm going to
be blunt and plain: if one ever looks at me like that, I'm going to
kill him and tell God he died." (Jimmy Swaggart)

IN THE NEWS * EDUCATION

The new president of MIT says America is forced to import most of our
science and math experts from abroad, posing a serious challenge to
U.S. high schools. Top educators are responding by promising to teach
all American students how to say "nerd" in at least 3 foreign
languages. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * WEB SITES

http://www.georgewbush.org/spots/media/rock.mov



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