arizona humor Puns of the Weak 10-04-04

PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 10-04-04

THE ONE-LINERS

The baker's bread recipe won the contest because it rose to the
occasion. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

In every conversation I make a casual remark about my glasses. It is an
optical allusion. (SGT Snorkel)

Masseurs are people who knead people! (Norm Gilbert)

Members of an Eastern religion pay for their sins by beating themselves
with small, triangular flags. It is their way of doing pennants. (SGT
Snorkel)

Ivan the Terrible wasn't totally bad. He was just mid-evil. ("pun"jab)

My company sent a check down to the marina to cover the rent for my
boat slip. They paid my dock. (Gary Hallock)

When you get old you can always avoid boredom by taking a trip to
Egypt. That's really a senile experience. (John S. Crosbie)

What did the law professor face when his students protested?
A class action (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

Black holes suck.(Owen K. Lorian)

The eye doctor wanted to re-locate but couldn't find a job because he
didn't have enough contacts. (Mike Bull)

"There's a new diet where you don't eat any carbohydrates." "What's
carbohydrates?" "No bread. No cereal. No rice. No potatoes. No chips,
crackers or pretzels at all!" "That would drive me starch-craving mad"
(Gard Webster)

If you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. (Tony Thoennes)

To most people solutions mean finding the answers but to chemists
solutions are things that are still all mixed up. (Owen K. Lorian)

Most people don't know that the disciples liked eating thin, cooked
cereal for breakfast. It was the Holy Gruel. (SGT Snorkel)

An applicant for a driver's license came to the question: "How many
feet are required to stop a car traveling 30 mph?" He answered: "Two
feet, one for the clutch, one for the brake." He got his license. (Joan
DeGrave)

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
(Owen K. Lorian)

I think we should outlaw toenail fungus, because if toenail fungus is
outlawed, only outlaws will have toenail fungus. (Fanny Bright)

My favorite sport is boxing. But then, I guess that's no surprise,
coming from a guy who works for UPS. (Larry Hollister)

In days of yore, there was a king who was a terrible tempered despot.
His disposition was partly the result of a severe case of hemorrhoids.
Historians refer to him as tyrannic soreass rex. (Gunjan Saraf)

The banker hired the seer because he need a teller. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)

The thing I treasure the most about the tale of the prodigal mushroom
is the morel of the story. ("pun"jab)

Pun' backwards is nup. And a nup is a nup is a nup. (Mike Bull)

My boss's secretary needed the day off to see the physician, but she
didn't have insurance, so he doctor pay. (Jason Dias)

The thing I treasure the most about the tale of the prodigal mushroom
is the morel of the story. ("pun"jab)

QUOTES

If you smoke your cigarettes shorter, you will smoke them longer.
(Henny Youngman)

The clock struck midnight, and I realized that Oktoberfest was now upon
us. I expected the wurst. (Joseph Harris)

Sirius, the dog star, is drawing closer to earth at a rate of nine
miles a second. Someday we could be in Sirius trouble (John S. Crosbie)

Medical Alert: Golf has been linked to risk of strokes due to iron
deficiencies. (Pun of the Day)

The Parson said, "Mr. Gibbs, we haven't seen you in a long time.
remember?" (Bob Dvorak)

The Chinese Nationalists are normally a temperate group. However, they
have been known to Taiwan on from time to time. ("pun"jab)

The gift of your presence is always better than the presence of your
gifts. (Mardy Grothe)

My lawyer usually only represents the meanest, nastiest thugs. Everyone
says I have taken attorney for the worse. (SGT Snorkel)

"Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't
matter." (Satchell Paige)

In a world without walls and fences, who needs Windows and Gates? (Gail
S. Angel)

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain. And as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
(Albert Einstein)

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can
change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. (Margaret
Mead)

The suburbs didn't invent sex, it only gave it a wilder distribution.
(Erma Bombeck)

I have always felt if the Good Lord had meant for people to go nude He
would never have invented the wicker chair. (Erma Bombeck)

Have you heard about the dial-a-prayer service for atheists? You call
a number and nobody answers (Humor Express)

We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find
out why no work is getting done (Gil Ross).

It takes a village to lose the battle and win the war. (Stephen Kramer)

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. (Gail S. Angel)

A little knowledge is the mother of invention. (Stephen Kramer)

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which
I disapprove. (Ashleigh Brilliant)

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but
they've always worked for me. (Hunter S. Thompson)

If at first you don't succeed, weep, and you weep alone.(Stephen
Kramer)

Never have children, only grandchildren. (Gore Vidal)

Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican
girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. (Anonymous)

PUNY CONUNDRUMS

A group of students is being taught and/or coached in a gymnasium. Each
student is issued a set of clothing designed to allow him to freely
move, stretch, jump, etc. What would you call this outfit that makes it
sound like it was designed by a lawyer?
a "Class Action Suit" (Bob Dvorak)

Most stadiums and events have been renamed by sponsors. A well known
manufacturer is going to be the sole sponsor of a music award show and
has added their name to the event. It now sounds like it should be a
medical test. What is the name of the event?
Sony Grammies (Gary Reeves )

Why are rabbis not required to have driver's licences
They have their own shofars. (Stan Kegel)

The briny predators grew tired of their fishy diet and decided to take
up cheese making to add variety. Using whale milk, they started
operations near the great abyss. However their waste product soon
caused pollution that led the neighborhood denizens to complain about
the… What?
Great White Whey (Norm Stevenson)

Recently a new religious cult has sprung up in the state of Washington
What might their gospel be called?
The Spokane Word (Lars Hanson)

A naval architect was concentrating in the midst of some stability
calculations involving the tonnage of a heavy object and the product of
its perpendicular distance from an axis. A colleague interrupted him by
asking a question. How did the naval architect reply?
Weight a moment (James Ertner )

Minerva Alonzo made her living directing sightseers through her town,
but when they heard the name of her business, it led some people to
think she was in the business of selling figurines. What was her
business name?
Minnie A. Tours (Cynthia MacGregor)

Even through it precedes it on the calendar, after June what should be
the most common month for weddings, and why?
Marry marry month of may (Gary Hallock)

What is a Honeymoon Salad?
Lettuce Alone Without Dressing (Stan Kegel)

A deep-sea diving operation found the lost continent of Atlantis
somewhere around 22,000 feet below sea level. Everything was remarkably
well-preserved. Scientists were baffled until one of the team with
substantial architectural- antiquities experienced noted all the
ornamentation along the rooflines of the buildings. What was his
explanation?
A Deep Frieze (Bob Dvorak)

What sort of instrument would be used to measure the age of a blackbird?
A Crow-nometer (Gary Hallock)

Compare a prisoner in shackles to one unshackled.
It‘s the difference of a pinion (Stan Kegel)

In feudal times there was an enlightened landowner who was so
concerned about treating his bondsmen right that he had the form an
advisory group to give him input on how to deal with them fairly.
Historians refer to this group as the world's first? What?
A Serf Board (Norm Stevenson)

A guy who works at a pharmaceutical company has the strangest medical
disorder. He‘s always falling asleep on the job. While unconscious, he
was caught stuffing his pockets with powerful prescription drugs.
Although he‘s obviously guilty, he claims that he‘s not responsible for
his actions as his doctor has identified him as a?
Narcoleptomaniac (Gary Hallock

What do you call those after dinner candies that give you bright ideas?
Enlighten Mints (Stan Kegel)

What kind of stockings do the beefeaters wear when they're standing
watch at the royal palace?
Guardin' hose (Gary Hallock)

My father's sister was a political activist who deplored the current
administration. For years I listened to her ranting and raving and
pleas to "throw the rascals out". When I entered high school I learned
the perfect name for her and privately started thinking of her As …
what
auntie disestablishmentarian (Norm Stevenson)

What is the motto of the Colorado ski resort that was converted into a
rehabilitation center for paronomastic addicts?
Use a pun. Go to Vale (Stan Kegel)

10-4






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