arizona humor Puns of the Weak 10-25-04

PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 10-25-04

THE ONE-LINERS

When Queen Elizabeth the First was greeted by the Lord Mayor of London
with "Hail to the Queen!" she reproved him by exclaiming, "How dare you
hail when I am reigning?" (John S. Crosbie)

What did the bartender ask Charles Dickens when he ordered a martini?
Olive or Twist? (Tony Thoennes)

Some guys view marriage as a matter of wife and debt. (Gail S. Angel)

Insomnia? Well, don't lose any sleep over it.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the
street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force
yourself," she replied. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Women should be obscene and not heard. (Groucho Marx)

When the cannibal ate the missionary it was a case where one man's meat
was another man's parson.

An unscrupulous lawyer stayed up with a pretty widow all one night
trying to break her will.

Families are like fudge, mostly sweet with a few nuts. (Fred Barling)

Outdoor lights were put up at the golf course for people who liked
swinging nightclubs. (Pun of the Day)

The email of the species is more deadly than the mail. (Joseph Harris )

She divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I
didn't have any. (Haust Javeri)

There's one tiny of island that is never bothered by hurricanes. It's
called "No problem atoll." (Gary Hallock)

The casinos in Las Vegas have something new for the gambler: races
between rabbits and rodents. If you don't want to bet any bunny, you
can always baccarat! (John S. Crosbie)

The chimney sweep crouched down in the fireplace and peered up the
chimney. "Looks like this one hasn't been touched in about eighty
years! I'm not sure, but I'll give it my best flue shot." (Bob Dvorak)

I heard that 12 mad cows were found in Japan. One cow got mad during
milking and said, "this is udderly ridiculous and now it can even be
said of us we are Mad in Japan." (Edgar McAvoy from Ruminations.com)

There is a place here in NW Arkansas called "Knight Times" Tattoo and
Body Piercing. It is in the shape of a miniature castle and has faux
stone facade. We passed it the other day and I asked my husband if they
Lancelot there. (Tiff Wimberly)

Now you can have an athlete in the family. The producers of a major
ice-skating show have made a deal with a medical research firm so that
they can offer everyone who attends their performances a free ice-queen
clone. (John S. Crosbie)

My brother called me the other day and said that he had watched the
Siegfried and Roy Special on NBC. I asked him how Roy looked. He said
"like something the cat dragged in". (Tom Evans)

After spending all day Sunday watching football on television, a man
fell asleep and spent the night in the chair. His wife woke him in the
morning. "It's twenty to seven," she called. "In who's favor?"
(Pastor Tim Davis)

On an AM radio talk show in Austin this morning I heard a caller say
that "Bush ran an oil drilling company into the ground". Well, DUH,
isn't that what drilling companies do? (Guy Ben-Moshe)

The Muzak Corporation once considered going into the water-bed
business, feeling that they could make extra profits on the sheet
music. (John S. Crosbie)

In Switzerland, disabled men are not allowed to serve in the military.
As a result, their taxes are higher. I could never see this happening
in America. For one thing, the Quadriplegics Union would be up in arms
over the idea. (D. Cook)

The labor boss and his wife gave the marriage counselor a union
grievance. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

The consequence of playing drums often is re-percussions. (Tony
Thoennes)

QUOTES

If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something
called labor! (Anon.)

Behind every successful man you'll find a woman who has nothing to
wear. (Harold Coffin)

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. (W. H. Auden)

A little bit of love goes a long way in our lives. It can provide us
with higher highs and lower lows. But, if it comes with a persistent
burning sensation, see your physician. (Paul Cooper)

The electric chair is period furniture. It ends a sentence.

To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't
kill you to wash your hands in between either. (Paul Cooper)

If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body,
then only left handed people are in their right mind. (Douglas Helsel)

Jazz is the only music in which the same note can be played night after
night but differently each time. (Ornette Coleman)

True Bravery is arriving home late after a night out with the boys,
being assaulted by your wife with a broom and still having the guts to
ask... "Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?" (GIL Ross)

Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly
understood that they are on the same side. (Zig Ziglar)

Ham and Eggs. Just a day's work for a chicken but a lifetime commitment
for a pig. (Anon.)

If at first you don't succeed, lie, lie again. (Laurence J. Peter)

When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider dating
outside the family. (Paul Cooper)

The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children
are finally in bed. (Anon.)

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had
smallpox. (Woody Allen)

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then
complain that he's not the man she married? (Barbara Streisand)

If I had to be either omniscient or omnipotent, I would choose
omnipotent, because that way I could beat up all those know-it-alls.
(Lawrence Serewicz from Ruminations.com)

A few families in Peru own estates larger than Belgium. Some other
landowners have to put up with estates only half, or even less than
half, the size of Belgium. (George Mikes)

In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim
with the current. (Thomas Jefferson)

Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the
spanking?" (Paul Cooper)

Women, can't live with 'em, can't make misogynistic generalizations
without 'em. (Emko Witteveen)

The food that you get in art museums is institutional revenge for the
art that you get in restaurants. (Douglas Helsel)

We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live
in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to
wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past. (Paul
Cooper)

PUNY CONUNDRUMS

What does earning minimum wage have to do with getting paid frequently?
Because you‘re paid weakly (Scott Ryan)

The young housewife was aghast as the kitchen towel fell into her
skillet and immediately caught fire, ruining the dinner and singeing
her hair. You might say she was not just scared, but what?
Terry-fried (Lars Hanson)

Researchers have virtually completed mapping the human chromosomes.
While the most obvious use of this undertaking will be in the treatment
of hereditary diseases, there is some concern that this new technology
could be used to develop a race of superhumans by accelerating the
process of random mutation. What could you call a device that causes
rapid mutating to occur?
A Gene Wilder (Stan Kegel)

What would be another term for corruption of the inheritors of an
estate?
Heir pollution (Clynch Varnadore)

When the escapee slipped through the jimmied door on Wednesday night he
saw the stainless steel vats and the rows of milk cartons. As the music
swells it is obvious he is in a...?
Drama dairy (Norm Stevenson)

The "science" of cloning is proceeding faster than the general public
realizes. The technicians that created Dolly have spread the word among
colleges that they can now create any other part of a human body from
any existing tissue from that body. A competing labratory, in
possession of a sample of tissue from the hearing organs of a defeated
US presidential candidate, has wagered them that they can not take this
sample and reproduce part of his reproductive system. Convinced that
they can, Dolly's creators announced they were WHAT?
"Betting Dole Ears To Dole Nuts" (Gary Reeves )

With election time close at hand, I'm getting more and more requests
from groups I'm associated with wanting donations so they can influence
what candidates become elected. The latest one did not ask for cash but
rather goods they could put up for bid on EBay to raise money. I guess
you could call them a? What?
Political auction committee (Gary Reeves )

When you're hiking in the hot desert you want to make sure you don't
get dehydrated. Thinking of what board game might remind you of how
vulnerable you are?
Parch Easy (Gary Hallock)

U.S. soldiers in Iraq sometimes attempt to avoid booby-trapped roadways
by taking short-cuts through private fields and gardens. Naturally
these independent agricultural workers get quite upset at having their
meager crops ruined. Often they take it upon themselves to protect
their investment by pelting the troops with rotten vegetables as they
pass. The army has a spoonerized term for being assaulted by this sort
of projectile at the hands of disgruntled agrarians. What is it?
Small Farm's Ire (Gary Hallock)

Environmental protection has become the most important issue of the
decade. So it is no surprise that the Department of Interior has
started placing electronic devices along the smallest streams to
protect them from pollution and other dangers. These devices are known
as:
Brook Shields (By Stan Kegel)

While on a recent campaign tour, George W. Bush made a stop at a
Federal Prison to do a bit of palm-slapping with the warden and his
staff, who were still undecided voters. The Secret Service made the
decision to part his limo inside the walls of the complex, in the hope
that this would provide better protection for the vehicle.
Unfortunately, they were unaware that a good deal of the cell windows
facing the interior were only covered with bars. The inmates took
advantage of this by hurling objects at the limo, causing damage of the
kind that the President most wanted to avoid during his election run.
What kind of damage did the President's limo receive?
In-de-Pen-dents. (Lee Jackson)

These Iraqi agrarians are a mixed lot. It turns out that not all of
them threw rotten vegetables. One peasant in particular didn't really
raise crops, per se. He raised a certain bird-of-prey. As he had no
vegetables to throw, he opted instead waking some of his birds and
having them pelt the troops with feces. The military name for the
smelly bombs is a spooner of the place where our friend raised his
birds.
Foul Arms (Owl Farms) (Clynch Varnadore)

What would a trench-coated exhibitionist use to display himself at
night?
A Flash Light (Bradley Williams)

The two cowboys involved in the range war with the farmers (they did
fight people other than Indians, you know!) rode hard when they saw the
shotgun barrels pointed at them, but though the cowpokes escaped injury
themselves, both their horses were less lucky. If the cattle drive was
to continue, the cowboys would need two new horses right away. How
crucial would you say it was?
It was of pair o'mount importance. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Many years ago Dirk was a young copywriter who was addicted to a
particular licorce flavored breath freshener. He ate so many that his
older coworkers gave him a nickname that reflected his job and his
addiction. they called him the…?
The sen sen addy kid (Norm Stevenson)

When Burundi found itself in fiscal crisis, it hired the Beach Boys to
sing a song asking a neighbor for assistance... Of course, titled...
Help Me, Rwanda (Bob Dvorak)

How might one describe an armed king of the beasts?
A cat with lion knives. (By Lars Hanson)

The important letter she was reading as she ate fell from her balcony
and fluttered toward the canal below. She was about to lose it! At the
last minute, she reached out and speared it with her fork, averting a
disaster. What did she exclaim?
I caught it just in tine! (By Cynthia MacGregor)





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