arizona humor Religious Humor (Part II)

Every evening, a mother and her young son, knelt down beside his bed so he could say his prayers. One night, obviously bored with the same old prayer, the little boy said this: "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake......can I have breakfast with you in the morning?"
~~~~~

One day a boy and his grandparents came to visit the 150-year-old church, a national landmark, where I was working one summer. As they toured the church, the grandfather was explaining some of the features, and the boy listened attentively. Then they reached the confessional in the back.
"I know what this is!" the boy said excitedly, turning to his grandfather. "This is time out, isn't it?"

~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

~~~~~

A little girl from Minneapolis came home from Sunday School with a frown on her face. "I'm not going back there anymore," she announced with finality. "I don't like the Bible they keep teaching us."
"Why not?" asked her astonished mother.
"Because," said the little girl, "the Bible is always talking about St. Paul, and it never once mentions Minneapolis."

~~~~~

The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.
"Six feet under!", yelled Little Johnny.

~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.


With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!"

~~~~~

A mother was teaching her three-year-old the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail, Amen."

~~~~~

To close each day's activities in summer and on holidays in the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World at Lake Buena Vista, Fla.,
a huge fireworks display lights up the sky.
One night I noticed a small boy about three years old perched on his father's shoulder. The child sat mesmerized, aware only of what was exploding in the heavens. When the fireworks were over, the little boy looked up into the sky again and said, "Thank you, God."

~~~~~

After listening restlessly to a long and tedious sermon, a six-year-old boy asked his father what the preacher did the rest of the week.
"Oh, he's a very busy man," the father replied. "He takes care of church business, visits the sick, ministers to the poor...and then he has to have time to rest up. Talking in public isn't an easy job, you know."
The boy thought about that, then said, "Well, listening ain't easy, either!

~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

Submitted by SandyD707~~~~~

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

~~~~~

This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched
or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world,
so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son
to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived,
they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead
and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony,
which is another name for marriage.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

~~~~~

My pastor was about to take offering and asked if anyone would like to sing a special. My friend's six-year-old daughter raised her hand. Her mother reached out to grab her hand and pull it down but it was too late. The pastor saw it....called out to her and asked her to come forward and share her song.

She stood up straight and grabbed the microphone and proceeded to sing...
"I wish they could all be California girls".
Submitted by J. Williams
~~~~~
At our Mother/Daughter banquet the pastor's wife asked for the daughters
to come forward to share what their mother has taught them.
She choose my 14-year-old daughter and as I sat their reviewing
all the wonderful things I taught her, she said,
"My mom taught me to love my body now, because
I'm going to hate it when I'm 40."

Submitted by J. Williams
~~~~~
A child was watching his mother sift through and delete a long list
of junk E-mail on the computer screen.
"This reminds me of the Lord's Prayer," the child said.
"What do you mean?" the mother asked.
"You know. That part about 'deliver us from E-mail."

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