arizona humor Specialty Puns of thee Weak 10-20-04

SPECIALTY PUNS OF THE WEAK 10-20-04

DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

Ski jump: A soar spot (Kostick Foxgrover & Pellowski)

Breastplate: the film taken out of the x-ray unit by the mammographer.
(Jason Dias)

Gossip columnist: One who writes other's wrongs.

Heat Exhaustion: Summer daze. (Sandy Sibert)

Kindred: fear of relatives (Kostick Foxgrover & Pellowski)

Freudian slip: Foot-in-mouth disease (Art. Moger)

Morning star: what the fans are doing when the celebrity dies. (Jason
Dias)

Realm: To be charitable ... once again ! (Gunjan Seraf)

Yeast: A good razor (Art. Moger)

Grasshopper: Hula Dancer (Sandy Sibert)

Actress: Hair extension for the stage (Joseph Harris )

Middle-ages: a historical period well known for the onset of male
pattern baldness. (Jason Dias)

Vote: To choose the lesser of two evils (Art. Moger)

Adolescence: The age when children try to bring up their parents.

Yacht: A floating debt (Art. Moger)

Alcoholics Anonymous: An Irishman drinking under an assumed name (Marty
Dee)

Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.
(Anon.)

Matrix: Flying carpet (as in 'let me show you some mat tricks') (Joseph
Harris)

Vision: What people think you have when you guess right (Art. Moger)

Cider: Along came a spider that sat down be CIDER. (Stan Kegel)

Acquaint: I found ACQUAINT Bed and Breakfast near the beach. (Stan
Kegel)

Alpine: My boyfriend left me and ALPINE for him for a long time.
(Cynthia MacGregor)

Fender: I should be able to get you off with probation because you're a
first a FENDER (Stan Kegel)

Aspen: Herd the donkeys into the ASPEN. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Eavesdropping: We returned to the church after the hurricane just in
time to see the EAVESDROPPING. (Stan Kegel)

Tutelage: The cliff where the sect members stand to play their piccolos
is known as the TUTELAGE. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Excel: Did my EXCEL the house before moving.. (Stan Kegel)

POETRY

If seeking in haste
To be bedded or wedded
just lose if you're chaste!
(John S. Crosbie)

Respect hard to get
For funeral cremators
They have to urn it
(Guy Ben-Moshe)

Because often, from sodas he'd slurp
Einstein would be ill but just burp
He determined the place
Of a warp in time-space
And went back to observe Wyatt urp.
(Ross)

Serious digging
For cemetery workers.
A grave business
(Joseph Harris)

A Bush-pushing dittohead, Geoff,
From wife had been cleanly uncleft.
His badmouth persistence
Put her at a distance --
He thought he was right, but was left.
(Bob Dvorak)

Don't hire a hack
To dig your grave for they will
Never stop coffin
(Gary Hallock)

To go out, climb a tree I just might
No computer, the fresh air, what a sight
But Fall days like these
With my allergies
Finds the bark is much worse than the byte
(Guy Ben-Moshe)

Once, when in college,
I sought a sweet girl just for
Caramel knowledge.
(John S. Crosbie)

In a night club in down town Hong Kong,
The star singer starts off with her song.
It starts off eastern style
But just listen a while,
It's hard to know if the tune's white or Wong!
(Arthur's Limericks)

TOM SWIFTIES, CROCKERS AND WELLERISMS

"It's where we store the hay," Tom said loftily. (Steve Page)

"I have had too many children," said Mary overbearingly. (Stan Kegel)

"I've swallowed some glass," Tom said painfully. (Gil Krebs)

"I never play any music by Hungarian composers," said Tom listlessly.
(Think.com)

"My glasses are Jogged up," said Tom optimistically. (Anon.)

"I accidentally shot a hole in the ceiling," said Tom aimlessly. (Simon
Champion)

"There's no need for silence," Tom allowed. (Fun With Words)

"It's time for our shots," said Tom innocuously. (Jason Dias)

"I don't know what (b^2 - 4ac) equals and I don't care!" said Tom
indiscriminately. (Clinton Rogers)

"I'm about to hit that target with my arrows," said Tom, quivering.
(Stan Kegel)

"I want an all-female group!" Tom demanded. (Cynthia MacGregor)

"I teach at a university," Tom professed. (Think.com)

"I think as a Congressman I'm entitled to free mail," said Tom frankly.
(Bob Dvorak)

"I composed a lot of poetry while in prison," Tom said conversely.
(Simon Champion)

You seem to be wearing your mink coat inside-out," Tom inferred. (Gil
Krebs)

"Nay!" Tom bridled hoarsely. (Archives)

"As soon as the rain stops, we'll break camp," said Tom intently.
(Jokes 'N Jokes)

"No, let's have TWO parties!" Tom exclaimed bashfully. (Jason Dias)

"I'm out for blood," said Tom hawkishly. (Bob Dvorak)

"I've struck oil!" Tom gushed. (Richard Lederer)

MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS

There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that
Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been
trap shooting. (Richard Lederer)

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the
Episcopal Church." (Irene Ariel Mystery)

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets." (Eric
Hodgson)

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what
he sees." (Eric Hodgson)

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big
race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about
coming from different positions." (Eric Hodgson)

Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on
front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting
inadvertently left out the word "sheep." (Richard Lederer)

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath
away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection." (Eric
Hodgson)

I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family. (George W.
Bush)

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
(Eric Hodgson)

Thanks To President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has A Son (The
Arkansas Plainsman)

TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case (Richard Lederer)

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too. (Phill Rock)

Headline: Electricity Outages In California Not Shocking Anyone (Guy
Ben Moshe)

Sign in a bankrupt bakery: No dough! (Anna Kostick)

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years (Richard Lederer)

In a suspender factory: We specialize in hold-ups! (Anna Kostick)

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter (Richard
Lederer)

Wanted: Employee needed to test tongue depressors-Applicants must be
willing to stick it out. (Anna Kostick)

Sign at a match-making company: We want to light your fire. (Anna
Kostick)

Sign at the stage door during auditions: "Let's Role!" (Gary Hallock)

Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee (Toronto Star)

Sign at the hair salon in Hell: "Give the Devil his do." (Gary Hallock)

In an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for,
you're in the right place! (Anna Kostick)

Poultry farm sign: Better laid than never. (Phill Rock)

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let
our washing machine do the dirty work." (Irene Ariel Mystery)

Nordic Track $300 Hardly Used. Call Chubbie (Douglas Helsel)

Publicize your business absolutely free! Send $6. (Entrepreneur
Magazine)

Sign above the toilet at the bar: "Our spirits swilling but the flush
is weak." (Gary Hallock)

Nice Parachute: Never Opened - Used Once - Slightly Stained (Douglas
Helsel)

Sign on the side of the carpet layers van: "Rugged individualist."
(Gary Hallock)

Sign advertising appetite suppression pills: We'll sweep you off your
feed! (Jason Dias)

Tickle Me Elmo, Still In Box, Comes With It's Own 1998 Mustang, 5L,
Auto, Excellent Condition $6800 (Douglas Helsel)






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