arizona humor Specialty Puns of the Weak 09-29-04

SPECIALTY PUNS OF THE WEAK 09-39-04

DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

Autumn: When Mother Nature goes through a change of leaf. (Sandy Sibert)

Soupcon: Chowder's pipin' hot! Come and get it! (Ken Shurget)

Ideal: My turn to shuffle. (Lexicon)

Assert: Sore butt.(Kathy)

Becalm: Insect settles down after being angry (Stan Kegel)

Realty: Tea drunk by real estate agents. (Tim Bruening)

LaPlace transform: quick tidying up when company is expected. (B.
Michael)

Aromatic: An Italian bloodsucking insect (Stan Kegel)

Emit: Computer glove. (Tim Bruening)

Vesuvius: The volcano where the creator usually smokes. (Phill Rock)

Transformer - What your mother wants to do to your new bride (J. Mc.).

Inflation: Having to pay to put air in your tires. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)

Color: A pigment of your imagination. (Owen K. Lorian)

Coincide: What you should do when it starts pouring. (Phill Rock)

Real estate agent: A person whose job it is to put you in your place.
(Anna Kostick)

Vibration: A motion that can't make up its mind which way it wants to
go. (Owen K. Lorian)

Arose: A sweet smelling flower with thorns (Stan Kegel)

Mitigate: External portal festooned with gloves. (Tim Bruening)

Italics: The language spoken by ancient Italians. (Phill Rock)

Decade: Tooth with a cavity (Stan Kegel)

Version: The mother of Jesus. (Phill Rock)

Roof repairman: A person who likes to stay on top of things at work.
(Anna Kostick)

Founder: "I FOUNDER at a garage sale." (Stan Kegel)

Fortune: For news set your radio dial to 90.7 but FORTUNE dial 101.
(Cynthia MacGregor)

Forestall: "Your mount is in the number FORESTALL." (Stan Kegel)

Beseech: BESEECH you when they sting. (Bob Dvorak)

Bold: "Have you ever BOLD a 300 game?" (Stan Kegel)

Florida: After an hour in the sun, his face was FLORIDA than I had ever
seen it. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Booze: "When Cobey had the ball, the cheers drowned out the BOOZE."
(Stan Kegel)

Dally: Take one of these pills twice DALLY. (Bob Dvorak)

Gantlet: "I'm sorry but I GANTLET you in here dressed like that." (Doug
Drill)

Gallon: "Hey Sheriff, there's a naked GALLON your horse." (Doug Drill)

Bitter: "He BITTER because she was teasing him" (Stan Kegel)

Farenheit: At 6'7 he was FARENHEIT over the others in his class.
(Cynthia MacGregor)

POETRY

A team of two siblings begins
Soon record for drinking Cokes, wins
Their age is the same
So they've a new name
They are "many soda's new twins"
(Gary Hallock)

Papa loved Mama,
Mama loved men,
Mama's in the graveyard
Papa's in the pen.
(Over Sexteen)

There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.

There ain't no justice
In this fair Ian'
Just got a divorce
From my old man
Had to laugh
At the judge's decision
Gave him the kids
And they ain't his'n.
(Over Sexteen)

I wish I could drink like a lady,
Two or three at the most;
But, two, I am under the table,
And three, I am under the host.
(Over Sexteen)

Long ago, back in nineteen oh three,
About typesetters people'd agree:
They work hard and are nice,
Rarely have a bad vice.
They're a fine bunch of characters, see?
(Kirk Miller)

Because she had such wrinkled fingers
A laundress sought job with church singers
If you so aspire
Avoid hand bell choir
So you won't be run through the ringers
(Gary Hallock)

The donkey was asked by a lass
Some questions. He wouldn't dare sass
When he gave his reply.
And of course you know why:
'Cause nobody likes a smart ass.
(Kirk Miller)

TOM SWIFTIES, CROCKERS AND WELLERISMS

"That canyon wall looks steep," Tom bluffed. (Jason Dias)

"I find you guilty," said the judge with conviction. (Fun With Words)

"Pete! PETE!!" Tom repeated. (Simon Champion)

"The prisoners set up a company," the warden confirmed. (Fun With Words)

"I need something to write with," said Tom pensively. (Simon Champion)

"I'm mentioned in this book," said Tom contentedly. (Fun With Words)

'I saw the man remove my ballot from the box,' said Tom devotedly.
(Syman Hirsch)

"I like variety in my sex," said Tom indifferently. (Margaret Kennebeck)

"These are my parents," said Einstein relatively (Stan Kegel)

"I think so," Heisenberg said uncertainly (Perfect Tommy).

"Although I say acerbic things to acids, I would never tell a lye. That
would be base." Tom said caustically. (R. Godfrey)

"I'll eat all of those clams myself," Tom said, selfishly. (David S.)

"Hey, what's it worth if I help you escape from prison?" asked Tom
contemptuously. (Fun With Words)

"That's a nice robotic poodle you have!" Tom said dogmatically. (Simon
Champion)

MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS

I wouldn't go to college in Boston because the work is harder in a
foreign country. (Juel Goldstock)

IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts
who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following
correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have
read "pull rip cord." (Richard Lederer)

"He was so stund, he just stud there..." (Juel Goldstock)

Without an education, many people in this world would be dum... (Juel
Goldstock)

From a company memo notifying employees that passenger-elevator
service, air-conditioning, and water would be shut off for repairs: We
have been advised to please refrain from using the restrooms during
this shutdown. The freight elevator can be used in an emergency.
(Joan DeGrave)

"Even kings and queens can be sad. I know for a fact that,
sometimes, Queen Elizabeth mops around the castle..." (Juel Goldstock)

"All life is sacred. No one would want to be deprived of living against
his own will..." (Juel Goldstock)

TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS

Warning Label: On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a
felony. (Pastor Tim Davis)

Hotel, Zurich: Because Of The Impropriety Of Entertaining Guests Of The
Opposite Sex In The Bedroom, It Is Suggested That The Lobby Be Used For
This Purpose." (Richard Lederer)

Hummels - Largest Selection Ever "If It's In Stock, We Have It!"
(Douglas Helsel)

Warning Label: On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not
Drive With Sun Shield in Place" (Pastor Tim Davis)

In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy." (Irene Ariel
Mystery)

Wanted: Tester at playground equipment factory-Must work the swing
shift. (Anna Kostick)

Georgia Peaches- California Grown - 89 Cents Lb. (Douglas Helsel)

Warning Label: On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. (Pastor Tim Davis)

In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your
home." (Irene Ariel Mystery)

At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
(Irene Ariel Mystery)

Wanted: People urgently needed to work at Armed Forces
Installation-Base pay to start. (Anna Kostick)

Nordic Track $300 Hardly Used. Call Chubbie (Douglas Helsel)

Warning Label: On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Pastor Tim
Davis)

Wanted: Success-oriented people to drive cement trucks-Only individuals
with concrete plans for the future need apply. (Anna Kostick)

Lawyer Says Client Is Not That Guilty. (Douglas Helsel)

OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS

The actor known for tagging game fish:
Marlin Brander (Lars Hanson)

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet. (Dobhran)

Warning Label: On alphabet blocks: Not for children. Letters may be
used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed
offensive. (Pastor Tim Davis)

Cordless Phone: Do not put lit candles on phone. (Carin Lamberson)

Exercise Equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs-$175. (Douglas
Helsel)

Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember (Douglas Helsel)

Heard from Juana as she prepared to pitch a rock into the quarry, I'm
Heavin' On Their Mine! (Lars Hanson)

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor. (Dobhran)

A Spread of Gynecologists (Haust Javeri)

A Supporting Cast of Orthopedists (Haust Javeri)

Honor way to Planet Hollywood we got chilly in just our undershirts so
a few of us bought souvenir Stallone sweatshirts. Now Some Wear Over A
Tee, Rambo. (Gary Hallock)

I remember when Ted Knight came to my party dressed very casually and
Doris Day was dressed very formally. Together they looked like Night
And Day. (Lila Bondy)

Did you hear about the guy who tried to get his marriage annulled when
he found out her father didn't have a licence for the gun. (Paul
Dickson)

A Hive of Allergists (Haust Javeri)






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