arizona humor Specialty Puns of the Weak 10-06-04

SPECIALTY PUNS OF THE WEAK 10-06-04

DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

Academy Awards: Idol entertainment (Waugh, Silbert & Leff)

Soft Spot: The precise point where safety caps must be pressed to open
a bottle. Instinctively found easily by toddlers but usually too small
to be found by seniors. (Stan Kegel)

Empress: Use a phony title to increase one's self-esteem. (Stephen
Litterst)

Geometry teacher: An instructor who definitely knows all of the angles.
(Anna Kostick)

Pantyhose: A sheer illusion of gauze and effect (Stan Kegel)

Crossdressing: Disguise the limit (John S. Crosbie)

Mail carrier: A person whose goal it is to be letter perfect. (Anna
Kostick)

Et al: - To have consumed everything (Gary Hallock)

Peanut: A crazy urologist (Louis Raffen)

Pen Pal: A cellmate (Tom Doyle)

Tears: Remorse code (Kostick Foxgrover & Pellowski)

Baseball: A busines$ that can't thrive without strikes (Art. Moger)

Copyright : Ensuring that you don’t misspell the stuff you’re stealing!
(Gunjan Seraf)

Stem-Cell: Where insects lay their eggs to hide them from other
insects. (Stan Kegel)

Dance teacher: A job that allows you to really put your foot down.
(Anna Kostick)

Prison: The place you'd go only in a pinch (Kostick Foxgrover &
Pellowski)

Masseuse: A cramp counselor (Stan Kegel)

Nostalgia buff: Someone who finds the past perfect and the present tense

Sir Lancelot In A Plane: A fly-by knight (Sandy Sibert)

Miser: Someone who earns money the hoard way (Kostick Foxgrover &
Pellowski)

Head Case: Motorcycle helmet (Sandy Sibert)

Modem : What landscapers did to dem lawns (Gunjan Seraf)

Warden: A man who makes his living by his pen (Art. Moger)

Flatulent: Did he clean up the FLATULENT him when he left? (Stan Kegel)

Tantamount: The Lone Ranger's mount was Silver but what was the
TANTAMOUNT? (Cynthia MacGregor)

Doctor: The captain let his first mate DOCTOR for the first time. (Stan
Kegel)

Alpine: My boyfriend left me and ALPINE for him for a long time.
(Cynthia MacGregor)

Catalog: Whenever the animal shelter received a new feline, it was
checked in by entering it's name on the CATALOG. (Bradley Williams)

Forbid: Prepare a proposal for the contract that is being put out
FORBID. (Stan Kegel)

Monumental: Love? Trust? Good times? MONUMENTAL those things to me and
more! (Cynthia MacGregor)

Carpenter: A housepainter charges by the room and a CARPENTER by the
vehicle. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Acquaint: I found ACQUAINT Bed and Breakfast near the beach. (Stan
Kegel)

Reticent: I wouldn't give one RETICENT for your opinion. (Bob Dvorak)

Damage: Engineers built much DAMAGE on the Columbia River (Bob Dvorak)

POETRY

A weightlifter loved himself best
"why must I, at my bench, see me less?"
Hung a mirror above
"I can watch my true love"
He's invented the vanity press!
(Clynch Varnadore)

The birds that sing in the morning
Sometimes raise an awful to-do
Perhaps it's because they're in mourning
Since their bills are all over dew.
(John S. Crosbie)

The director, he sighed in relief
No Omar was there to cause grief
His film, you should know, man
Was set in Times Roman
And was to be shot, Sans Sherif!
(Clynch Varnadore)

To meet, I propounded a motion,
Some pals, I might find on the ocean.
So on a cruise, winter's,
I met up with printers,
The liner type with the same notion.
( Bob Dvorak)

Guns are unlawful; Nooses all give;
Gas smells awful; You might as well live.
(Dorothy Parker)

He previewed his epic with pride
But critics were harsh and they cried
"The columns were Doric
Not true to historic
And totally unjustified"
(Gary Hallock)

TOM SWIFTIES, CROCKERS AND WELLERISMS

"I hit my shin on that dogwood tree," Tom barked. (Jason Dias)

"I hit my boat on a log and it sank," said Tom, disembarking. (Gary
Hallock)

"I'll use my stopwatch to see how fast it moves," said Tom, seconding
the motion. (Think.com)

"I accidentally shot a hole in the ceiling," said Tom aimlessly. (Simon
Champion)

"The optician probably doesn't have my glasses ready yet," Tom
speculated. (Think.com)

"It's too early to get up," mourned Tom. (Carol A. McGuire)

"I've lost a lot of weight," Tom expounded thinly. (Simon Champion)

"I don't care if you're working your fingers to the bone, your friends
won't come help when summoned," said Tom callously. (Bob Dvorak)

"You don't see the point, do you?" asked Tom, making a stab in the
dark. (Think.com)

"I just lit the firecrackers," said Pop loudly. (Simon Champion)

"My oar is broken," said Tom robustly. (Think.com)

"It's time to turn the pancakes!", Tom said flippantly. (Simon Champion)

"I suppose I'll have to write my name again." said Tom resignedly.
(Think.com)

"I want to go over to the other side of the road, but I'm too chicken,"
said Tom crossly. (Simon Champion)

MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS

Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99 Box (Douglas Helsel)

"Cleanliness is next to Godlessness..." (Juel Goldstock)

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir. (Richard Lederer)

Stay stewed for the nudes (Pun American Newsletter)

Tomorrow's lecture will be "Recycling -- Our Garbage is a Resource."
There will be a potluck supper at 6 p.m. (Richard Lederer)

There are two important corrections to the information in the update on
our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the
program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is
experiential, not experimental. (Richard Lederer)

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant (Richard Lederer)

Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners'
clothing is rent -- that is, torn -- not rented. (Richard Lederer)

The sermon at the Presbyterian Church this coming Sunday will be "There
Are No Sects in Heaven." The subject was incorrectly printed in
yesterday's edition as "There is No Sex in Heaven." (Richard Lederer)

TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS

Six Months For Teen Who Stabbed Girl With Ex-Boyfriend (Western Mail,
North West Wales)

Bumper Sticker: Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Sign at a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the
same spot." (Irene Ariel Mystery)

Wanted: Foot soldiers-Lots of chances to advance. (Anna Kostick)

At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass
container." (Irene Ariel Mystery)

Laser Pointer: Do not look into laser with remaining eye. (Carin
Lamberson)

Wanted: People needed to work in a clothesline factory-We'll teach you
the ropes! (Anna Kostick)

American Flag - 60 Stars - Pole Included $100 (Douglas Helsel)

In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses
uncivil ought to see the manager." (Irene Ariel Mystery)

Wanted: People needed to work in a clothesline factory-We'll teach you
the ropes! (Anna Kostick)

In the window of a bodybuilding academy: The weak ends here! (Anna
Kostick)

Get A Little John: The Traveling Urinal Holds 2 1/2 Bottles Of Beer.
(Douglas Helsel)

Headline: Stolen Painting Found by Tree (Richard Lederer)

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in
multi-packs." (Irene Ariel Mystery)

Wanted: Diner needs waitress for busy lunch hour rush-Applicant must be
counterproductive. (Anna Kostick)

Sign in a bowling alley: Sign up for our cash prize tournament and win
some pin money.

Headline: Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim (Richard Lederer)

Label Warning:Good Neighbor Pharmacy Ferrous Sulfate: CONTAINS IRON.
(Syman Hirsch)

Sign in a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
(Irene Ariel Mystery)

Wanted: Tailors needed to make western rawhide jackets-Job includes
lots of fringe benefits. (Anna Kostick)

In the window of a bodybuilding academy: The weak ends here! (Anna
Kostick)

OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS

A Vision of Optometrists (Haust Javeri)

The preacher also rang the church bell when the couple didn't pay their
bill--- For Whom The Bill Tolls. (Scott Ryan)

A Growth of Oncologists (Haust Javeri)

When I lost Marilyn Monroe to Joe Dimaggio, then he lost her, I
Blundered, Who's Kissing Her Now! (Norman Gilbert)

A Buttload of Proctologists (Haust Javeri)

What'd they sing at the weatherman' funeral? We have No Secrets ... it
was You're So Vane. (Alan Cruden)

An Insanity of Psychologists (Haust Javeri)

When I lost Marilyn Monroe to Joe Dimaggio, then he lost her, I
Blundered, Who's Kissing Her Now! (Norman Gilbert)

"The Diamond Robbery" by Jules Argon (Sandy Sibert)

A Carvery of Surgeons (Haust Javeri)

"You fool, that's our national anthem, the Star Spangled Banner." "Well
the way he sang it was more like The Star's Mangled Blunder." (Ken
Pinkham)


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