arizona humor Specialty Puns of the Weak 10-27-04

SPECIALTY PUNS OF THE WEAK 10-27-04

DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

Alcohol: A liquid that will preserve everything except secrets
(Leopold Fechtner)

Alimony: A contraction of "all his money." (Helen Hoke)

Forger: A person who writes things you can't bank on (Lee Daniel Quinn)

Cleavage: The Parton of the ways. (Murray L. Bob)

Alarm clock: A device for awakening people who don't have small
children.

Anchor: A device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at
inopportune or unexpected times. (Sandy Sibert)

Intern: Taken in the order recieved (Stan Kegel)

Castanet: Primitive fishing method. (Lars Hanson)

Lawnmower: Weapon of grass destruction. (Sandy Sibert)

Twister: In jail two times (Cynthia MacGregor)

Skeleton: Bones with the people off (Kostick Foxgrover & Pellowski)

Lens Grinders: Weapons of glass production. (Sandy Sibert)

Hurricane: What they do in the sugar fields when they need to harvest
quickly. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Alternative: A person born during his parent's wedding ceremony. (John
S. Crosbie)

Minnehaha: a very, very small joke (Kostick Foxgrover & Pellowski)

Cyclone - Seymour"s genetically induced exact copy (Cynthia MacGregor)

Subdivision: The guys on a U-boat who do math (Gary Hallock)

Bachelor: An unaltered male. (John S. Crosbie)

Braggart: someone who always puts his feats in his mouth (Kostick
Foxgrover & Pellowski)

Landscaper: The Loam Arranger. (Sandy Sibert)

Aversion: A white lie is AVERSION of the truth. (John S. Crosbie)

Assault: My doctor put me on ASSAULT free diet. (Stan Kegel)

Climate: Before you snowboard down that hill, you must first CLIMATE.
(Stan Kegel)

Cirrhosis: How dare you impugn those flowers' beauty? CIRRHOSIS are
classic! (Cynthia MacGregor)

Fornicate: Because she felt so bad about the way she'd treated him on
their previous date, FORNICATE bought a sexy new dress. (Gary Hallock)

Brothel: This BROTHEL help you sleep tonight. (Stan Kegel)

Violin: She wrote something really VIOLIN her book about me. (Cynthia
MacGregor)

Dublin: If you can't get a buzz from a single shot of Irish whiskey,
try DUBLIN your order. (Gary Hallock)

Monumental: Love? Trust? Good times? MONUMENTAL those things to me and
more! (Cynthia MacGregor)

Curate: Radiation has a better CURATE than drugs for your type of
tumor. (Stan Kegel)

Carpenter: A housepainter charges by the room and a CARPENTER by the
vehicle. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Benefactor: His fasting for a day before the fight might have
BENEFACTOR in his being knocked out. (Stan Kegel)

POETRY

THE 23RD PSALM ACCORDING TO PSYCHIATRY
The Lord is my external-internal integrative mechanism,
I shall not be deprived of gratification for my viscerogenic hungers
or my need-dispositions.
He motivates me to orient myself toward a non-social object with
affective significance.
He positions me in a non-decisional situation.
He maximizes my adjustment.
Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive id impulses, I
will maintain contact with reality.
For my superego is dominant.
His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me.
He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts despite my
Oedipal problem and psychopathic compulsions.
He promotes my group identification.
My personality is totally integrated.
Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced as a direct function
of time,
And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and economically
secure forever.
(Author Unknown)

Fancy funerals
Are fine for most people, but
Cremations kick ash
(Guy Ben-Moshe)

As to sex, she just wasn't that great,
So in bed, they played chess until late.
Wife did not want to screw.
What was hubby to do?
He was stuck with a real stalemate.
(Kirk Miller)

Daddy's sisters died
Cremated, now the aunts are
Blowin' in the wind
(Gary Hallock)

On TV when adverts begin,
My pitcher goes shakin' an' spinn;
While hanging around
I turn up the sound
And wait for the pitch to synch in.
(Bob Dvorak)

Pedro
Walked
Back home, by golly
His bristly chin
Was hot-to-Molly
Burma-Shave

Said the banker to the girl with a groan,
"I know how slim are my chances,
But I'd like to get you a loan,
And then make a few advances."
(John S. Crosbie)

On TV when adverts begin,
My pitcher goes shakin' an' spinn;
While hanging around
I turn up the sound
And wait for the pitch to synch in.
(Bob Dvorak)

TOM SWIFTIES, CROCKERS AND WELLERISMS

"I think as a Congressman I'm entitled to free mail," said Tom frankly.
(Bob Dvorak)

"I can't eat another thing" Tom said fully. (Jesse James)

"The bank doesn't want me as a customer," said Tom unaccountably. (Stan
Kegel)

"I'll have to take the telegrapher's test again," said Tom
remorsefully. (Richard Lederer)

"I got a parolee pregnant," Tom conceded: (David Reihmer).

"I'd like another portion," said Tom morally. (Bob Dvorak)

"This boat leaks, " said Tom balefully. (Sandy Sibert)

"Their first check bounced so I had to get a replacement," Tom
recollected. (Stan Kegel)

"Who poked this stick in my eye?" Tom said pointedly. (Mick Olah)

"I won't wear anything unless it is sewn with extra strong thread," Tom
said superstitchiously. (Stan Kegel)

"The cat seems happy now that he's been fed," said Tom purposefully.
(Simon Champion)

"Delilah has cut my hair!" said Samson, somewhat distressed. (Paul
Dickson)

"I don't know what I want on my tombstone," Tom replied gravely.
(Sandy Sibert)

"Ha, ha! I've escaped from your manacles," said Tom in an off-the-cuff
manner. (Simon Champion)

"I can't see three feet ahead of me in this fog," said Tom, looking
mystified. (Stan Kegel)

"You know, this magnet really works!" Tom said ironically. (Paul
Dickson)

"My bicycle wheel is melting," Tom spoke softly. (Simon Champion)

"The shipment is sixteen ounces short," Tom expounded. (Stan Kegel)

"Will you many me?" Tom asked with courtly gestures. (Paul Dickson)

MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it." (Eric Hodgson)

Some 40% of female gas station employees in Metro Detroit are women, up
from almost none a year ago. (Detroit News)

Sick Doctor Claims His Patients Are Ill-Advised (Mike Kramer)

Man Booked For Wreckless Driving (Richard Lederer)

Married Priests In Catholic Church A Long Time Coming (The New Haven
Register)

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well
Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg." (Eric Hodgson)

In Frank Washburn's column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified
as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter. (Richard Lederer)

An Associated Press typographical error caused a mid-west announcer to
read this unusual story to his listeners: "Many clergymen feel the
recent avalanche of obscene material is a treat to young children ...
I'm sorry ... that's a threat to young children!" (Kermit Schafer)

There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that
Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been
trap shooting. (Richard Lederer)

You have just heard the news from in and around the nation ... and now
to Pauline Fredericks for the latest news from a broad! (Kermit
Schafer)

There are two important corrections to the information in the update on
our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the
program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is
experiential, not experimental. (Richard Lederer)

A confused hockey announcer on CBS's "Game of The Week" blurted out
this startling bit of information: "I think he got the stick in the
nose. He broke his nose earlier, and it looks as though it's the same
nose that he injured before." (Kermit Schafer)

TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS

Sign outside a kosher fishmonger: Yum Kipper (Jason Dias)

In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed." (Irene Ariel
Mystery)

On a honey farm: You'll like our grade of honey-it's bee plus! (Anna
Kostick)

Open House - Body Shapers Toning Salon- Free Coffee & Donuts (Douglas
Helsel)

Sign at the headstone carving shop: "Letter RIP." (Gary Hallock)

Wanted: Fast food restaurant needs a chicken cook-We offer a frequent
fryer bonus plan. (Anna Kostick)

Free 1 Can Of Pork & Beans With Purchase Of 3 Br 2 Bath Home. (Douglas
Helsel)

Wanted: Jellymakers needed to form band-Opportunity for a jam session!
(Anna Kostick)

"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.

AUTOMATIC BLANKET Ensure sound sleep with one of our authorized
dealers. (Phill Rock)

Sign on custom hairpiece store: Rugged Individualist (Jason Dias)

Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so
will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.

Wanted: Writer needed to plagiarize novels-Job includes work as a copy
editor. (Anna Kostick)

Rev. Jarvis has spoken in the largest Baptist churches in America. To
miss hearing him will be the chance of a lifetime! (Phill Rock)

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to
the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy" (Irene Ariel Mystery)

"Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your
warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television
advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware
is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.

URGENTLY WANTED, BY MACHINE TOOL FACTORY Male parts handlers. Box 132
(Phill Rock)






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