arizona humor Weakly Humerus News 10-15-04

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS for 10-15-04
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

IN THE NEWS * TOP CARTOONS and QUOTES OF THE DAY

Despite the lack of WMD's, President Bush insists that invading Iraq
was the right thing to do because Americans can "never trust the word
of a madman." Saddam Hussein's lawyers are reacting to that by
promising to call President Bush as their first expert witness when
they launch an insanity defense. (Jake Novak)

JibJab has done it again. The makers of “My Land” have a new cartoon
parodying both candidates: go to

With just three weeks to go until Election Day, the Federal Election
Commission stunned the political world today by announcing that the
election would be cancelled and that a focus group of nine voters in
Ohio would pick the nation's next president instead. The focus group,
consisting of four men and five women, are expected to convene every
day between now and Nov. 2 with electrodes glued to key regions of
their bodies to measure their every response to President George W.
Bush and Sen. John Kerry. While the FEC's decision to place so much
power in the hands of a focus group is undeniably controversial, one
FEC official argued that it is not without precedent: "After all, nine
people decided the 2000 election, too." (Andy Borowitz)

2001: Uncle Sam: “Won’t your tax cuts create a huge deficit?” “Bush:
“Trust me!”
2004: Uncle Sam: “Won’t your preemptive war effort ultimately require a
draft?” Bush: “Trust me!” (Matt Davis, The Journal News)

More than at any time in history, mankind is at a crossroads. One path
leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. (Woody Allen)

There's a lot of talk in political circles about an amendment to the
U.S. constitution so people born in other countries can run for
president. Apparently this is part of Bush's plan to outsource the
presidency. (Jay Leno)

The FOX network is complaining about the fact that the presidential
debates have been scheduled at the same time as some key baseball
playoff games, thus hurting their ratings. And the Bush administration
is complaining about the fact that the debates have been scheduled
during the President's usual nap time, thus hurting his ratings. (Jake
Novak)

Capital Steps on whose vote counts:
or go to
http://www.capsteps.com/ for the songs of the past 7 weeks.

In a strong editorial supporting "Fair and Balanced" Fox News for using
false stories fabricated by Fox reporter Carl Chandler while condemning
CBS because Dan Rather used a bogus document he had received even
though the facts in the memo were true, the New York Times today
stated, "It is vital that news sources in print or on the air always
confirm stories they receive from outside the organization. This is not
necessary for internally generated stories as long as the editors know
the stories were completely made up by their own staff." (Stan Kegel)

There’s reports of price gouging going on for flu vaccine. It was $85 a
vile, now its up to $900 a vile. So apparently Starbucks must be
selling this stuff." (Jay Leno)

Boy it's getting nasty. I don't know if you've seen these latest ads,
Democrats are calling Bush a child of privilege, and labeling him the
'fortunate son' because his dad was rich. Not to be confused with
Kerry, the fortunate husband. (Jay Leno)

Woman meeting man in a dark alleyway. Woman: “You bring the gas?” Man:
“Yep. You bring the vaccine?” Thus began the "Fuel For Flu Shot
Scandal". (J. D. Crowe, The Mobile Register)

IN THE NEWS * TODAY'S COMIC STRIPS

"Sir, your Dad is on the line." "Not again. He's just gonna rag about
Iraq." "Son, do you know why I decided not to invade Iraq?" "Haven't a
clue, Dad." "Really? I put it into my book." "Books are Laura's thing."
"Let me read you some excerpts. 'An occupation of Iraq would have
incurred incalculable human and political costs. There was no visible
exit strategy. Had we gone the invasion route, the United States could
conceivably still be an occupying power in a bitterly hostile land.'"
"I don't recall any of that, Dad." "But it was reported in all the
papers." "I don't read newspapers." "Another child left behind. Nice to
talk to you, son." "Listen, Dad, you're either with me or against me."
(Doonesbury: Garry Trudeau)

"You heard about this website called 'Operation Snowbird.com'? It shows
how voters who live in places like New York and California can legally
vote as Floridians, presumably so they can go from having their votes
not count to having them not counted." (Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)

"Sure, Bush can show off his fierce terror-fighting powers by deporting
Caat Stevens. Why doesn't he go after a real terrorist. Like Yanni!"
"I'm John Tesh and I approve this message." (La Cucaracha: Luis
Alcaraz)

"Now 'Mr. X', you say these document Dan Rather's alcoholism,
drug-dealing and briefly spying for North Korea?" "Actually, I just
made up that last one to get on your show!" "So you lied about that,
but everything else is true?" "Um, yes?" "Hmmm. Okay, works for me. Now
tell us about his alter ego, 'Drag Queen Lola Kaboom." (Mallard
Fillmore: Bruce Tinsley)

"It says here Michigan State Representative John Pappageorge said, 'If
we do not suppress the Detroit vote, we're going to have a tough time
in this election cycle.' Detroit just happens to be 80% black." "Why
are you so divisive?" "Huh, I'm just reading the news." "Stop playing
the race card." (Candorville: Darrin Bell)

"Did you read this, Hon? President Bush says that the final report from
our weapons instructors contain proof we needed to go to war!" "I knew
it! What does it say?" "That Saddam Hussein didn't have weapons of mass
destruction. Yet he secretly wished he did." "The Monster!" "Not only
that, he didn't even have the programs to make them! Or the materials
or the facilities or the money! But if he ever got them, he might
possibly give them to the terrorist!" "We had to act immediately!"
"Worse yet, everyone thinks this whole mess was our fault." "Is there
no end to this infamy?" (Deep Cover: Tim Eagan)

"Mr. Bush, many say you have a disturbing tendency to deflect criticism
by attacking the credibility of your opponents instead of honestly
discussing the issues." "Nice try. I would expect the biased liberal
media to ask me that kind of nonsense, I'm not playing your little
game, Sicko." (Candorville: Darrin Bell)

We are safer with Saddam behind bars. If he were still free he could
come here, buy an assault weapon and mow down a playground full of kids
before you could dial 911. (Bizarro: Dan Piraro)

"Did you hear about the scandal?" "What scandal?" "The Theresa
scandal." "What did Theresa do? " "They got pictures." "Please don't
say nude!" "Using Hunt's Ketchup." (Boondocks: Aaron McGruder)

"Lucia, what do you think about the election?" "I'm undecided." "What?"
"Yeah, if Bush wins, I'm undecided between moving to Canada or Mexico."
(La Cucaracha: Luis Alcaraz)

"So those were the debates, huh?" "Yup!" "Lincoln and Douglas are
pretty much spinning in their graves, huh?" "Yup." (Prickly City:
Scott Stantis)

IN THE NEWS * THE DEBATES

During last night's second debate, President Bush admitted he's made
some mistakes by appointing some of the wrong people to office 4 years
ago. But when it comes to putting the wrong people in office 4 years
ago, most Americans are mostly angry at the Supreme Court. (Jake Novak)

St. Louis was the site of a presidential debate Friday in front of a
crowd who are still somehow undecided. Some people take forever to make
up their minds. Afterwards half said they might vote for Bush while the
other half were leaning toward Dukakis. (Argus Hamilton)

During last night's second debate, President Bush appeared to be
unaware that he earned $84 last year from a timber company he owns. But
the White House now insists that it was an easy mistake, since $84 is
also the monthly allowance he gets from Dick Cheney. (Jake Novak)

During the debate, Bush was asked by a lady to name three mistakes he's
made. And Bush responded, this debate, the last debate and the next
debate. (Bill Maher)

This was the town hall debate, and Bush says he likes the personal feel
of a town hall. There's something about getting out there and lying
directly to people's faces. (Bill Maher)

Tonight was the 2nd presidential debate, which was in a town hall
format. That's where everyday Americans and not just journalists get a
chance to have their questions avoided. (Jay Leno)

Tonight's debate was what they called the town hall debate. Both
candidates were seated on stools. It was funny, from force of habit,
Bush said "Scotch and water, hold the ice." (David Letterman)

The second presidential debate was tonight. It was a town hall meeting.
Sure you all watched that. Last time John Kerry did a town hall
meeting, true story, a woman in the audience told him he was "hot."
Yeah, then she told Kerry she needs healthcare so she can afford a pair
of glasses. (Conan O'Brien)

If you watched the debates the other night, you know Cheney claimed
that was the first he'd ever met Edwards which turns out was not true.
They'd actually met on three other occasions, once at a prayer
breakfast, once on 'Meet the Press,' and one crazy night at a motel in
Encino. (Jay Leno)

This is what his handlers have advised him to do after the first debate
last week: George W. Bush's challenge now will be to stretch four and a
half minutes of meaningless platitudes into an hour and a half. That's
his challenge. (David Letterman)

Friday's debate in St. Louis will be before an audience made up
entirely of undecided voters. That creates a huge dilemma for Kerry.
Does he stand on stage beside Bush or sit in the audience with all the
other people who can't make up their minds? (Jay Leno)

There is a rumor going around that during the first debate, President
Bush had some kind of listening device that was feeding him answers to
the questions for the debate. They actually had a photo of him and
there was a bulge in his jacket. Well, it's still an improvement over
the last guy who had a bulge in his pants. (David Letterman)

Several reports speculate that the bulge under Bush's jacket was
actually a transmitter through which he was fed debate answers. Bush
aides strongly deny they were feeding him any answers, and promise they
only used the transmitter to help him understand the questions. (Jake
Novak) t

The first debate they were all at the podiums. In the second debate, at
the request of President Bush, it was in the town hall format. Also, at
the request of President Bush, the next one will be in the happy hour
format. (David Letterman)

The third debate is Wednesday night. This is going to be an exciting
one, because the jackpot is up to $250,000. (David Letterman)

Interesting fun fact, Bob Schieffer, the moderator of tonight's
presidential debate, says that for the past couple of weeks people have
been coming up to him in airports and suggesting questions. Which
explains why Schieffer's first question tonight was, Would you like to
become a Hari Krishna? (Conan O'Brien)

During last night's debate both candidates were asked if Homosexuality
is a choice. Well it isn't now, but it sure will be for lots of
Americans if we reinstate the draft. (Jake Novak)

When asked what he would do for Americans who have lost their jobs,
President Bush said he was working hard to see to it that they can go
to college. Unfortunately, that college is the University of Baghdad.
(Jake Novak)

Both President Bush and John Kerry were asked to discuss the most
important thing they get from their wives. President Bush thanked Laura
for agreeing to make speeches for him on the campaign trail, and John
Kerry thanked Teresa for agreeing to give him a bigger allowance. (Jake
Novak)

I thought George Bush looked great. He was wearing his three-piece
bulge. They have a picture of George Bush from the first debate and on
his back there's a big, lumpy bulge. People were saying that's a radio
receiver and someone is feeding him answers to questions. It turned out
tonight, the first thing George W. did was show everyone that the bump
in his jacket was just his flask. (David Letterman)

I watched the debate, and I'll tell you George Bush did look confused.
At one point he tried to buy a vowel. (David Letterman)

The third presidential debate asked the most important question of all
– which of these guys do I hate the least? (Jay Leno)

There are photographs of President Bush from the first debate and he's
got some kinda lump in the back of his coat, and the rumors are flying
that he had a special radio receiver and he was getting answers from
someone off stage. Wow, it's like he's back at Yale. (David Letterman)

So now everyone's going crazy about the bulge in his jacket. Something
like this hasn't happened in a debate since 1996. Remember that when
Clinton had the intern under his podium? (David Letterman)

There's a new three strikes and you're out policy. But enough about
President Bush in the debates. Let's move on. (Jay Leno)

In the debate, stern-faced John Kerry looked like he was at a funeral
while smiling President Bush just looked giddy. It was like a
before-and-after ad for Prozac. (Jay Leno)

I think, even if you're not a fan you must admit, President Bush did a
little better in the third debate. Like last night he spoke from the
heart. See the last two debates he's tried speaking from the brain. And
you see how that works. (Jay Leno)

I thought it was a pretty good debate. Both candidates got to dodge a
range of issues. (David Letterman)

At one point I was concerned about Bush ... Did he seem a little
confused to you? Because at one point, he called out, "State capitals
for $200, Alex!" (David Letterman)

Dick Cheney says he's angry that John Kerry brought up his daughter's
homosexuality during the final debate. Cheney says he's the only one
who can mention his daughter to score cheap political points, and if
Kerry wants to do that kind of thing he can go get his own gay
daughter! (Jake Novak)

After the debate, Dick Cheney's wife, Lynne, was upset that John Kerry
brought up their lesbian daughter. She said, "The only thing that
upsets me more is the fact that I brought up a lesbian daughter."
(Conan O'Brien)

The candidates were asked if they thought homosexuality was a choice.
John Kerry said it isn't. Good thing he doesn't think it's a choice.
Otherwise, he'd still be trying to make up his mind. (Jay Leno)

President Bush's approval rating has now dropped down to 47 percent.
You know that lump on his back? Well, it's moved to his throat. (Jay
Leno)

Rumors are swirling about a mysterious bulge on President Bush's back
that was visible during both debates. It's funny how the media decides
to focus on different things; with Bush it's a bulge on his back, with
Clinton it was the bulge in his pants. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * THE MEDIA

Critics are attacking Sinclair Broadcasting for its decision to air a
documentary attacking John Kerry's protests against the Vietnam War,
titled "Stolen Honor." Of course, CBS already has a primetime hit show
all about President Bush's service in the National Guard during the
Vietnam War... it's called "Without a Trace." (Jake Novak)

A female FOX News producer is accusing Bill O'Reilly of sexual
harassment, including subjecting her to unwanted phone sex during the
GOP Convention this summer. But O'Reilly's lawyers say the phone sex
complaint during the convention is baseless, since everyone knows FOX
News anchors often sound like they're sexually aroused when they cover
Republican events. (Jake Novak)

A female producer at Fox News has filed a sexual harassment suit
against Bill O-O-O'Reilly. She claims he repeatedly talked to her about
phone sex, threesomes and masturbation. The last straw was when he
asked her if her breasts were fair and balanced. (Jay Leno)

Fox News continues to support Bush buddy, Chris Crawford, who has
confessed to making up false stories about John Kerry, stating such
stories helped give equal time to the two candidates allowing Fox News
to maintain its policy of being "Fair and Balanced." (Stan Kegel)

Sinclair Broadcasting now says it won't offer equal time to John Kerry
after it airs a 90-minute anti-Kerry film on all 62 of its TV stations
nationwide. The company says that's because it already broadcast 4 1/2
hours of programming that made President Bush look terrible -- the
presidential debates. (Jake Novak)

A $600 million class action suit was filed today on behalf of Americans
who claim they have been permanently traumatized by the fear of
receiving a phone-sex call from Fox News personality Bill O'Reilly.
(Andy Borowitz)

A female producer at Fox News has filed a sexual harassment against
Bill O'Reilly. He reportedly talked to her about phone sex, threesomes
and masturbation. Of coarse, the people at Fox News were shocked. They
had no idea O'Reilly was a Democrat. Oh, it gets worse, after she hung
up on him, Bill tried to *69 her. (Jay Leno)

Interesting tidbit for you, over half of the adults in the United
States say they get their news about the presidential election from the
Internet. Not surprisingly, the most popular website is Swift Boat
Veterans for Paris Hilton. (Conan O'Brien)

IN THE NEWS * GEORGE W. BUSH & DICK CHENEY

The case for the Bush doctrine floundered on the Groucho Marx doctrine:
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?" (The Guardian,
London)

Despite the lack of WMD's, President Bush insists that invading Iraq
was the right thing to do because Americans can "never trust the word
of a madman." But if the President really believes that, why does he
continue to allow Zell Miller to speak for him on the campaign trail?
(Jake Novak)

White House with fast food type signs, "Bush Cheney" & "Home of the Big
Whopper" (Rex Babin, The Sacramento Bee)

Memo held by Bush: "No WMDs, No nukes, No chemical or biological
weapons. No nothing. Period." Bush says, "See? This report proves that
Saddam was systematically dreaming about developing a sophisticated
program for wishing he had the capability of hoping that someday he'd
have the means of acquiring weapons of mass destruction!" (Ed Stein,
The Rocky Mountain News)

Let me say this… I have not suggested there is any connection Between
Iraq and 9/11… Ever… And I never met Senator Edwards until tonight.
(John Branch, The San Antonio Express-News)

President Bush is touting his administration's stand against corporate
scandals saying he, "will not tolerate dishonesty in the boardrooms of
America"... thus delighting his supporters who hope to keep all the
dishonesty in the White House for another four years. (Jake Novak)

President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney have now come forward and
officially conceded that Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass
destruction. In fact, feeling the tremendous relief that came from
admitting this, they also said there's no Santa Claus, O.J. did it, and
Al Gore had really been president for the last four years. (Jay Leno)

Bush should be re-elected because he's learned to say the names of
world leaders without mispronouncing them. (Cal Thomas)

The GOP were worried that Bush might reinforce the allegation that he
is not too bright. But an aide pointed out proudly that "the president
hardly mispronounced anything, and he didn't drool on his shoe once."
(Doug Robarchek, Charlotte Observer)

"I don't spend much time worrying about Bin Laden" (George W. Bush
March 13, 2002)

President Bush is on the campaign trail. His leadership has helped the
economy to grow. Gas prices have grown from $1.59 to $2.39.(Alan Ray)

Mount Saint Dubya: "Black is White." "Up is Down" "Iraq is Free" "The
Economy Sound" (Don Wright, The Palm Beach Post)

IN THE NEWS * JOHN KERRY & JOHN EDWARDS

Voters are wondering what the difference is between President Bush and
John Kerry since they both supported the latest tax cut bill. For Bush,
big tax cuts for the wealthy is a way of rewarding his core supporters
-- for Kerry, big tax cuts for the wealthy means he'll be getting a
better allowance from Teresa. (Jake Novak)

Teresa Heinz Kerry told Dr. Phil she was strict with her boys about TV
viewing. She limited them to thirty minutes of educational television a
day. Now they are the only kids in their generation who think that the
Brady Bunch is a gun control group. (Argus Hamilton)

Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry said today that The New York
Times misquoted him as saying that terror is a nuisance, explaining
that what he actually said was, "Teresa is a nuisance. (Andy Borowitz)

John Kerry campaigned on a stage in Florida Sunday and tried to be
folksy like President Bush. The act needs a lot of work. Three times
since the debates John Kerry has called for direct U.S. involvement in
the dispute between Good Korea and Bad Korea.(Argus Hamilton)

John Kerry is showing remarkable restraint in his fight for stem cell
research, despite the recent death of Christopher Reeve. Speaking at a
campaign event today, Kerry said that "even though President Bush has
killed Superman, I promise not use Christopher Reeve's death for
political purposes." (Jake Novak)

Democrats had worried that Kerry might reinforce charges that he is a
"waffler," but were cheered by the fact that, as one supporter put it,
"there were several positions he never even took at all." (Doug
Robarchek, Charlotte Observer)

Even though John Kerry has solid support in his home state, polls show
that most Massachusetts residents believe President Bush will still win
re-election. Obviously rooting for the Red Sox has begun to affect the
way people in Massachusetts see everything. (Jake Novak)

John Kerry prepared in New Mexico Monday for tonight's debate. His
stance on the war needs work. He says it's the wrong war at the wrong
place at the wrong time, a colossal error, a grand diversion and we
should have sent more troops there. (Argus Hamilton)

The Kerry presidential campaign has taken on the Rev. Jackson as a
"senior adviser," aides announced recently. That's right -- Jackson,
who got literally dozens of votes in his own two runs for the
presidency, is going to tell Kerry how to win. And, in a related story,
the steamship Lusitania has hired the skipper of the Titanic as "senior
navigator." (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte Observer)

Has there ever been a race in which all the major candidates for
president and vice president were so rich? George Bush, of course, is
an heir to his family's considerable fortune. Dick Cheney has many
millions he made running Halliburton Corp. John Edwards got very
wealthy practicing law. But John Kerry may be the richest of them all,
from marrying into the vast Heinz pickle fortune. Friends of the couple
may call them "Teresa and John," but we will always think of them as
"Cash and Kerry." (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte Observer)

John Kerry is on the stump. His plan for creating jobs is a two step
process. First step, you elect him. Second step, then he’ll tell you
how. (Alan Ray)

IN THE NEWS * THE CLINTONS

This weekend is the 29th wedding anniversary for Bill and Hillary
Clinton. Bill is planning a romantic weekend with a dinner and a movie
- and then later he'll give Hillary a call. (Conan O'Brien)

Bill Clinton let it be known Friday he would campaign for John Kerry
for the stretch drive. Magic follows him everywhere. He's been confined
to the suburbs for six weeks and already the number-one show on
television is Desperate Housewives. (Argus Hamilton)

Bill Clinton was said Monday to be recovering quickly. The day after
surgery he asked why his curtains were shut. It's because there was a
fire across the street and the doctors didn't want him to wake up and
think the operation had failed. (Argus Hamilton)

Bill Clinton is taping a phone message that will be sent to Voters'
homes asking to vote for Kerry. Though it's a recorded message, just
like Bill Clinton, if a man answers it hangs up." (Jay Leno)

The Bill Clinton Presidential Library was awarded a tax break by an
Arkansas judge Tuesday. The library will open in six weeks. It joins
the Will Rogers Museum and Johnny Carson's birthplace on the national
register of shrines to beloved comedians. (Argus Hamilton)

President Clinton plans to tape a phone message that will be sent to
voters' homes urging people to vote Democrat. Apparently you'll know
it's Clinton's message because it starts with, What are you wearing?
(Conan O'Brien)

IN THE NEWS * RALPH NADER

Bad news for Ralph Nader. Today the state of Ohio rejected Ralph
Nader's attempt to get on the ballot. Experts say this will hurt
Nader's chances of losing all 50 states. (Conan O'Brien)

Ralph Nader has criticized both Bush and Kerry for belonging to a
secret organization when they went to Yale. Is Nader one really to
criticize? You know, he belongs to a secret organization. It's called
Nader for President. (Jay Leno)

IN THE NEWS * THE ELECTION

A huge last minute surge in electoral registrations has senior
officials severely behind schedule and worried especially in swing
states such as Ohio and Florida, it appeared yesterday. A sweeping
voter registration campaign in heavily Democratic areas has added tens
of thousands of new voters to the rolls leaving top Republican election
officials severely worried. Commenting the tireless work of his State's
election officials Jeb Bush the president's brother told BIGfib, "These
people are doing their best and we have to give them our support… But
the last minute registration rush is such that they may not have time
to weed out and exclude all of the Democrats from the poll, in fact we
may not even have time to filter out the black voters." (BIGfib)

Husband watching TV: "He's confident, performs well under pressure, and
makes me feel safe." Wife: "Yeah, but you can't vote for Mariano
Rivera." (Walt Handelsman, Newsday)

IN THE NEWS • THE STATES

When asked about the recent earthquake in California, Governor
Schwarzeneggar was heard to say, "it's not my fault." (Doc Charley)

A 1,229 pound pumpkin from Washington has won the world’s largest
pumpkin contest. Prizes were awarded. Along with cash, the grower also
received a hernia. (Alan Ray)

Florida Governor Jeb Bush announced that to avoid any election return
problems in Florida this year, this time he is going to announce the
results before people go into vote. (Jay Leno)

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger enrolled himself in a state
employee-required class on how to avoid committing sexual harassment at
the workplace. He left the first day's training session with tears in
his eyes. It must have been the mace. (Argus Hamilton)

The Transportation Security Agency got caught spending a half-million
dollars on an employee awards banquet. They deserve an award. Thanks to
these guys, it is actually faster to legalize gambling in California
than to fly from L.A. to Vegas. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * THE ADMINISTRATION

Are you kidding? Putting Rumsfeld in charge of an investigation of the
Pentagon is like putting Michael Jackson in charge of an orphanage!"
(Randi Rhodes)

IN THE NEWS * CONGRESS

The Senate has finally cleared the way for a new tax cut after some
Democrats insisted it include better pay for the National Guard. The
Bush administration says a pay raise is a good idea, it just didn't
like the part of the bill that said the guardsmen actually have to show
up for duty before getting it. (Jake Novak)

U.S. Senator Mark Dayton of Minnesota closed his Capitol Hill office
for three weeks Tuesday out of fear of a terrorist attack. His
constituents are not going to like it. This is a state whose two
favorite mascots are Jesse Ventura and a Viking. (Argus Hamilton)

In a recent interview Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle said that
American politics is becoming meaner and meaner. After hearing this top
Republicans said that Daschle makes a good point for a guy who's ugly
and probably gay. (Conan O'Brien)

House Speaker Denny Hastert got a tax break for fishing tackle box
makers put into the spending bill. It's a values issue. Give a man a
fish and he will eat for a day, teach him to fish and he will sit in a
boat drinking beer for the rest of his life. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * TERRORISM

Among those hit by the Internet terrorists this week was the auction
site eBay, which shut down for six hours on Tuesday, resulting in a
sales loss of an estimated 6 million dollars worth of useless crap
(Colin Quinn)

President Bush is attacking John Kerry for saying that he hopes to make
terrorism just "a nuisance." Bush says it shows that Kerry lacks the
judgment to be president if he doesn't see terrorism for what it really
is to him: a good excuse. (Jake Novak)

In a new interview, John Kerry says the U.S. will never totally get rid
of terrorism just like we'll never get rid of prostitution and illegal
gambling. Those comments on terror are worrying some voters, but his
views on prostitution and gambling are coming as a huge relief to Bill
Clinton and Bill Bennett. (Jake Novak)

John Kerry told the New York Times Sunday his goal is to reduce
terrorism to the level of nuisance, like prostitution and gambling and
after-hours nightclubs. Is this a good idea? The next thing you know,
Osama bin Laden will be legal in Nevada. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * CRIME THE LAW & THE COURTS

CORPUS CHRISTI,TX. -- In a crime straight out of a Super Bowl ad,
someone stole a Coca-Cola delivery truck and filled it with stolen
Pepsi. Late Sunday or early Monday, someone broke into a Corpus Christi
Coca-Cola warehouse and stole a Coca-Cola van. According to police, the
thief drove next door to the Pepsi plant and stole 47 cases -- $700
worth -- from a locked Pepsi delivery truck. Police said they don't
know why someone would steal the Pepsi after successfully breaking into
the Coke plant. "We thought it was hysterical," said Pepsi spokeswoman
Julia Koch. "Our guess is that he just liked Pepsi and figured he could
sell it easier than Coke."

On Monday night, for the first time in five years, there were no
murders or shootings in Chicago. But the city's murderers promise that
as soon as they can stop laughing at Allen Keyes' senate candidacy,
they'll get back to killing people as much as possible. (Jake Novak)

The first words Martha Stewart heard this morning from her new chain
gang boss were: "What we have here... is a failure to decorate." (Jake
Novak)

Martha Stewart will now be doing menial jobs in the prison for about 14
cents an hour... still better than what the people making her bed
sheets earn per day in China. (Jake Novak)

Scott Peterson was reported in the tabloids Tuesday to have received
tons of love letters while he's in jail during his murder trial. He's
already picked out someone to be his next girlfriend. He likes her so
much he's already planning his alibi. (Argus Hamilton)

This is day six in prison for Martha and things aren't easy. Don't kid
yourself, this isn't a country club prison. They are monitoring her
phone calls. Why? Because they want to find her secret to lobster
brisk. (David Letterman)

IN THE NEWS * BUSINESS &THE ECONOMY

Honda CR-V’s are reportedly catching fire. The folks in marketing are
trying to put a positive spin on the situation. This is one hot car.
(Alan Ray)

La-Z-Boy lowered its profits forecast Thursday. The furniture maker
blamed weaker earnings on the rising cost of raw materials. People are
paying so much for potato chips, beer, and basic cable that there's no
money left for the recliner. (Argus Hamilton)

Chevron stations in Beverly Hills and West Hollywood raised gasoline
prices to three dollars a gallon on Thursday, setting a new all-time
high record price. Everybody in Beverly Hills had the same reaction. We
are torturing the wrong Arabs. (Argus Hamilton)

There's a rumor circulating around the fast food industry that
"Hooter's" is going to open a new division. The new operation will sell
basically the same food menu, and employ a similar staff and concept,
but for home delivery, They plan on calling the new operation
"Knockers" (Caboom)

Gas prices have shot up once again. Oil companies are trying their best
to soften the blow for consumers at the pump. One dollar off a liter of
Pepsi with fill up. (Alan Ray)

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts is being investigated for securities fraud.
Agents say it will be difficult to prosecute. The only hard pieces of
evidence are the customers' arteries. (Alan Ray)

McDonald reports increased profits during the third fiscal quarter.
Company officials credit unexpected shifts in the marketplace. The line
at the drive thru finally moved. (Alan Ray)

IN THE NEWS * IRAQ

The Chief U.N Weapons Inspector says that there were no weapons of mass
destruction in Iraq. President Bush is calling the timing of the
announcement a clever political ploy. Those sneaky Democrats are now
resorting to the truth. (Jay Leno)

A new report proves Saddam Hussein destroyed all of his weapons of mass
destruction in 1991. But President Bush still refuses to apologize for
invading Iraq, because he was still busy getting stoned and drunk in
1991 to realize what was going on. (Jake Novak)

President Bush and Vice President Cheney have officially conceded that
Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass destruction. And today the
soldiers in Iraq said, uh, can we come home now? (Jay Leno)

IN THE NEWS * INTERNATIONAL

With the U.S. reputation already in tatters around the world, a divided
and hurting nation is bracing itself for more shocking and embarrassing
pictures to be released... but enough about the next episode of
"Extreme Makeover." (Jake Novak)

You know what's happening in Afghanistan? It's their first free
election. Now this is a big thing. However they are expecting voter
fraud. They're expecting disruption at the polls and intimidation of
voters. So I guess the American style of democracy is really catching
on over there. (David Letterman)

Two Afghanistan peasants transporting absentee ballots on a donkey. One
says, "If you think this system is backward, you should see the
absentee rules in Florida!" (Jim Moran, The Miami Herald)

Dear Uncle Sam, I’m sending you a bouquet of heroin poppys. Many thanks
for democracy. Signed Afghanistan. (Mike Lane, The Baltimore Sun)

I guess you heard about the big presidential election chaos over there
in Afghanistan. Given how badly they screwed up over there, Bush
declared Mission Accomplished. (Jay Leno)

On Saturday, there were free elections in Afghanistan. That's pretty
good. But already there are charges of fraud in Broward and Dade
County. (David Letterman)

In an effort to mimic the stresses and challenges of a possible manned
mission to Mars, the Russian space program is locking six cosmonauts in
a tube where they won't have decent food, toilets or shower facilities
for 500 straight days. In other words, for the next 500 days those
lucky cosmonauts will be living better than just about everyone else in
Russia! (Jake Novak)

Cuba has launched a new tourism campaign. The slogan is eye catching.
Come for the cigars. Stay for the oppression. (Alan Ray)

According to recent study I read, the French have sex 137 times a year.
And that doesn't include screwing the United States. (David Letterman)

Germany's Foreign Minister Peter Struck said Monday his government may
offer to send German troops into Iraq. However, the Germans were turned
down for the same reason you don't let Robert Downey Junior go get the
beer. It's still too soon. (Argus Hamilton)

Our neighbor to the north is a most intriguing land. It is a nation
that had the opportunity to chose an English form of government, French
food and technology from the United States. Instead, they chose a
French form of government, English technology and American food. (Gil
Ross)

IN THE NEWS * HEALTH & SCIENCE

We were just watching a commercial for Lavitra. At the end it warns,
"In the rare instance that an erection should last more than four
hours, seek immediate medical attention." My wife wants to know for
whom? (Dan Ericson)

You must be a Republican to believe that it is completely moral to
defrost embryos harvested from the use of infertility drugs and let the
embryos die, but it is murder if you use those same defrosted embryos
for stem-cell research. (Stan Kegel)

Did you hear about this? This is one of those only in California
stories - elementary school students in Berkeley are receiving a class
credit for 'lunch.' Since they learn about nutrition, lunch is now
considered a class. See, that's when you know we're getting too fat in
this country, when students are actually majoring in lunch! (Jay Leno)

The Food and Drug Administration refused Thursday to allow the
over-the-counter sale of morning-after birth control pills. They are
for women. The pills only work for women because generally speaking,
men are nowhere to be found the morning after. (Argus Hamilton)

This week in England, the woman who coined the term PMS passed away at
the age of 87. Just before she passed away the woman said, "In lieu of
flowers please send chocolate and leave me the heck alone." (Conan
O'Brien)

The Nobel Prize in Physics was awarded to a Santa Barbara professor
last Monday. Theories abound out here. Albert Einstein was the first to
figure out if you live in California, relatives travel at the speed of
light to visit you during the holidays. (Argus Hamilton)

Forecasters are split over whether this will be a horribly frigid
winter for New England or relatively mild. But figuring out just how
cold the next few months will be for most New Englanders really only
depends on whether the Red Sox can beat the Yankees in the playoffs
(Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * SPORTS

Ricky Williams said he wants to return to the Miami Dolphins after
retiring in July to smoke pot and enjoy reggae concerts in the
Caribbean. It's a highly seductive lifestyle. Jamaica has the only
newspapers in the world with gummed edges. (Argus Hamilton)

Under a plea agreement, Baltimore Raven running-back Jamal Lewis will
be sentenced to four months in federal prison for conspiracy to sell.
He's already been assigned a prison job as Martha Stewart's valet.
(Jerry Lerman)

NFL star Jamaal Lewis pleaded guilty to conspiracy to sell cocaine. The
FBI busted the deal by listening to his cell phone conversations. If
only he had set up the deal in Arabic, government agents wouldn't have
had a clue what was going on. (Argus Hamilton)

This week in sports news Yankee catcher Jorge Posada said that he
toughens up his hands by soaking them in urine. In other words he rides
the subway to work. (Conan O'Brien)

The New York Yankees host the Boston Red Sox tonight as the American
League championship series begins. An eighty-year hex may be at an end.
Red Sox fans feel this is their year now that the Curse of the Babe has
been passed on to Tiger Woods. (Argus Hamilton)

Baltimore Ravens runner Jamal Lewis agreed Friday to go to jail after
the NFL season over a cocaine deal. He was really set up. The dealer
took his cash and told him to fly up to Philadelphia where he would
find the crack in the Liberty Bell. (Argus Hamilton)

Shaquille O'Neal is furious at Kobe Bryant after hearing an audiotape
of Kobe telling cops that Shaq paid off rape accusers. Don't miss their
first face-to-face meeting in December. The Lakers just had to hire a
rodeo clown to come off the bench. (Argus Hamilton)

Tiger Woods phoned reporters Tuesday from his Caribbean honeymoon to
promote the Tiger Woods Challenge in December. It's daunting. The
challenge is to tell a Swedish supermodel you have to get up and get
dressed and go hit a bucket of balls. (Argus Hamilton)

Ricky Williams applied to rejoin the Miami Dolphins Monday after he
quit the struggling NFL team during training camp in July so that he
might smoke pot and absorb reggae music. Where do you put this guy? The
jails and the Congress are full. (Argus Hamilton)

Major League Baseball announced that the third meeting between the
Yankees and the Red Sox on Friday night will focus entirely on domestic
issues, including the economy, education, health care and taxes. (Andy
Borowitz)

The NHL lockout has started. No hockey. So if you wanna see white guys
missing teeth, you'll just have to watch Jerry Springer. (Jay Leno)

The Coast Guard stopped and boarded Tiger Woods' yacht during his
honeymoon cruise because it illegally drifted into Puerto Rican waters.
But Woods immediately solved the problem by buying Puerto Rico. (Jake
Novak)

The Boston Red Sox were taunted mercilessly in Yankee Stadium by Yankee
fans all week. Don't mess with this crowd. New Yorkers don't buy frozen
Thanksgiving turkeys, they prefer to buy the bird live and then push it
in front of a subway train. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * ENTERTAINMENT

The good news is that a new company, KidPix Productions, is offering a
new service which provides kids with everything they need to make their
own movies. The bad news is that KidPix Productions is owned by Michael
Jackson. (Jake Novak)

Britney Spears has dumped her manager of 13 years. He watched her grow
from nothing to huge in a very short time. And that was just the
implant surgery. (Alan Ray)

Here's something interesting, a group of porn stars has made a DVD
called 'Porn Stars for Kerry' and they've made a porno movie to raise
money for him. Lets just hope this one doesn't feature Michael Moore.
(Jay Leno)

Donald Trump appeared on all the talk shows this week to promote his
reality show on NBC. There is an increasingly pained expression on his
face. Donald Trump's ego is so big that he has to rub Preparation H on
it to reduce the swelling. (Argus Hamilton)

According to the Star, Paris Hilton is considering getting breasts
implants. Though she's still hesitant about it. You know, she's
concerned that if she gets implants people won't take her seriously.
(Jay Leno)

Donald Trump got some humbling news Monday when NBC informed him his
reality television show The Apprentice has slipped twenty percent in
viewer ratings. He knows little and thinks he knows everything. It
clearly points to a political career. (Argus Hamilton)

IN THE NEWS * HISTORY & CULTURE

According to a new report, nearly half of Black same-sex couples have
lived in the same residence for at least five years. Of course, if you
were Black and gay, it's a good bet you wouldn't go out of the house
too much either. (Jake Novak)

Yesterday was National Depression Screening Day, as screening stations
were set up across the country to measure and treat people suffering
from depression. Of course there already is a special time when we find
out just how depressed Americans are... it's called "Election Day."
(Jake Novak)

Family Circle announced that Laura Bush's cookie recipe beat Teresa
Heinz's cookie recipe. We are a food-oriented nation. The reason
Americans hold elections near the holidays is in order to make it
easier to separate the turkeys from the fruitcakes. (Argus Hamilton)

A new study says that about only one percent of adults have no interest
in sex, surprising most researchers who thought the number was much
higher. The results prove that it's best not to ask women whether
they're interested in sex when it's likely they've just been watching
one of the presidential debates. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * RELIGION

Evangelist Jimmy Swaggart, whose efforts to raise the moral level of
America have been punctuated by his efforts to raise the financial
level of hookers, is still judging others. He recently berated
homosexuals and said if he ever caught a man looking at him lustfully
he would "kill him and tell God he died." Tell 'em, Jimmy. Why can't
them preverts hire whores, like decent, godly men? (Doug Robarchek,
Charlotte Observer)

The Pope has asked theologians to come up with "a more coherent and
enlightened way" of describing the state of limbo between Heaven and
Hell, which in Catholicism is where un-baptized babies go if they die.
One attempt describes it like going to an amusement park, but it's the
amusement park at Michael Jackson's house. (Jake Novak)

St. Louis archbishop Raymond Burke issued a pastoral letter saying it
was a "grave sin" to vote for a politician who supports same sex
marriage, abortion or stem-cell research. Not surprisingly, His Most
Exalted Holiship made no mention of buggering altar boys. (Jerry
Lerman)

IN THE NEWS * EDUCATION

Hundreds of Bennington College students are protesting for the right to
be naked on campus. Since they go to the nation's most expensive
school, the students feel that doing without adequate clothing is the
best way to bond with their parents. (Jake Novak)

George Bush and Laura appeared on the 'Dr. Phil' show this week. Among
the questions, Dr. Phil asked him what he thought about the epidemic of
oral sex in high schools. I don't know if he understood what he was
talking about, because right afterwards, Bush cancelled all funding for
Head Start. (Caboom)

A new report shows that 78% of American high school seniors aren't
ready for college. Of course that's not surprising since most 18-year
olds don't have $120,000 lying around. (Jake Novak)

A prep school teacher says she has evidence that Prince Harry of
England cheated on an exam when he was at school. The news comes as a
shock, especially since Harry worked so hard to become a prince in the
first place. (Jake Novak)

IN THE NEWS * HOLIDAYS

The Columbus Day Parade is held today in New York. He was the world's
first Democrat. He left not knowing where he was going, arrived not
knowing where he was, went home not knowing where he had been, and he
did it all on government money. (Argus Hamilton)

Halloween approaches. The John Kerry mask is this year’s best bargain.
Two faces for the price of one. (Alan Ray)

Halloween is coming up. How do you spot the kid in the George W. Bush
mask in your neighborhood? No matter what he’s told, he keeps going
down the same street. (Alan Ray)

New Rule: No Christmas movie ads until after Halloween! We can all
agree on that across the aisle. Enough with the holiday creep. Give us
a few more weeks of no stress before the hellish season of peace
begins. If I wanted to hear about Jesus 365 days a year, I'd vote for
Bush. (Bill Maher)

IN THE NEWS * WEB SITES

Moore-Bush: http://www.lolfun.com/funpages/view.cfm/5031

The 2004 Florida Ballot:


http://madkane.com/bush_cheney_horrorland.html





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