arizona humor Groaners of the Weak 11-05-04

GROANERS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 11-05-04

THE GROANERS

It has come to the attention of researchers that a previously
unanticipated reaction results when Viagara is taken along with Ex-Lax.
Both products tend to act together and magnify the effects of the
other. The end result is that you end up both coming and going at the
same time.

A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she
wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good
selection of pink curtains. He shows her many kinds and different
fabrics of curtains she finally picks out a pink floral pattern. The
salesman asks, "What size do you need?" She says, "15 inch." He
exclaims, "15 inches! What room are they for?" She says, "It's not for
a room, it's for my computer monitor." The surprised salesman exclaims,
"Miss, computers do not need curtains." The blond says, "HELLooooooo...
I've got windows.!" (Daily Groaner)

I went to meet a friend who owns a bakery. Entering her place of
business, I asked the sales clerk where my friend was. "She's in the
back. She's expecting you. Go on back." But as I stepped through the
doorway I was greeted by rolling carts full of loaves of bread
everywhere--carts of sourdough, carts of pumpernickel, carts of rye,
carts of whole wheat, carts of challah...and I couldn't figure out how
to get around them to my friend, who was calling to me from somewhere
in the back of the baking area. Stymied, I stood stock still surveying
this obstacle course. That's when she helpfully called out to me, "Come
on through the rye." (Cynthia MacGregor)

H. J. Heinz has announced the launch of a new corporate Web site. As
one company spokesperson put it, "We were behind other food processing
companies in the race to cyberspace, but the new site allows us to
ketchup" (Ira Lawson)

Farmer Fred had a problem arise when, upon preparing his prize bull for
market, the barn door slammed shut cutting the tail off the bull. His
prize bull was to be sold that very day, yet now Farmer Fred couldn't
... whole sale him or retail him.

A young man was walking past a blind woman using a cane on a street
corner downtown, when she said, "Excuse me, but if it's not too much
trouble, can you see me across the street?" Our guy replied, "Just a
minute." He walked across the street, looked back and yelled, "Yes, I
can see you!" (Marsha Coleman)

A car broke down on the expressway. The driver pulled over to the
shoulder and jumped out of the vehicle. Then he opened the trunk and
pulled out two men in trench coats. The men stood behind the car,
opened up their coats and began exposing themselves to oncoming
traffic. The result was a terrible pile-up. A police officer arrived on
the scene and surveyed the carnage. He raged at the driver: "Why on
earth did you put these two perverts at the side of the road?" The
driver explained: "I broke down, and I was just using my emergency
flashers." (Joan DeGrave)

One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was
the most powerful. "I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop
down swiftly at my prey." "That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I
am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws." "I am the most
powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can
drive off the two of you." Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out
of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all... hawk, lion,
and stinker.

I, one of the four oarsmen of the apocolypse, think I'd have rubbed our
oars together into a pile of chips and splinters trying to light my
cigarette before I'd have considered this. I'd then gather the
splinters and pick them up, while noting that the chips would be down
as I understood the gravity of the situation. Having formed a splinter
group of my own, we wouldn't all be in the same boat. It seems only
fair that they'd had their chips. Which means I must have made it
safely to a different boat. (Anenient)

I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England. My
fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful
food provided at the hospital complex. We often took our breaks in the
kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats
they had brought for patients. One night a woman brought a pork pie to
the kitchen and said to me, "Would you eat this up, love?" Delighted
at the offer, another student and I devoured every crumb. Soon our
benefactor returned, however, and asked, "Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet,
dearie?" (Pastor Tim Davis)

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their
professions... The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist. The
second guy says " I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... Double Income, No Kids
Yet." The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know.... Rich, Urban,
Biker" They turn to a woman and ask her, "What are you?" She replies: "
I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, F_ _ k, Etc (Larry Kegel)

Mark Twain sat on the train next to a gloom-and-doomer who said, "Do
you realize that every time I take a breath, 10,000 people on this
planet die?" Twain replied, "Hmmm...ever try cloves?" (Douglas Helsel)

I had a buddy in college who was an expert ARCHER. Could that have been
because he was at the top of his class, in ARROW-DYNAMICS? I remember
his girlfriend was always introducting him by saying, "This is my
BOW...." No, his name was NOT "BOW-regard...." But yes, he always
shopped at TARGET.... And even MEN were sexually attracted to him. It
was said that he was ALWAYS catching the "BULL'S EYE".... (Fred T.
Beeman)

Many people do not realise secret agent Cody Banks attended elementary
school in Alaska. The following conversation took part between him and
a teacher. "Cody. Alaska you again. Juno what is the capital of Alaska?
You seem to be operating on a catch as Katchican basis with your
lessons. Which won't help you here. I know it doesn't seem Fairbanks
but, you know the policy if you fall behind Chugach up. Stay on course.
Keep your Bering strait. and you should succeed. Now Sitka straight in
your chair and we will continue with your lessons." (Potch)

A group of Egyptologists and archeologists, studying a newly-discovered
vault in the Nile basin, noted that there were some unusual odors in
this vault. As a result, they located and hired a "lady of the night"
to help them -- she was an expert at Tomb Essence. (Bob Dvorak) The
tomb was built not of concrete but of tiles, all of which sagged
crazily in all directions. The archaeologists finally concluded that
the vault's builder had suffered from erect tile dysfunction. (Cynthia
MacGregor)

THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every
so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a
call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." (William Brabant)

Diane buys a hundred goldfish. There are so many of them that she
decides to keep them in her bathtub. One day she invites her friend
over to see all her beautiful goldfish. Lauren is impressed, and
remarks, "They surely are beautiful, but what do you do when you want
to take a bath?" Diane replies, "Simple. I just blindfold them." (Clean
Laffs)

My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a
break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother picked
up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Betty on the
line. Will you accept the charges?" Frantic, he dropped the receiver
and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they
want money!" (Humor Express)

Proud and pleased as she could be, the petite young bride, Mrs.
Stanford Summers, strode briskly up to the teller's cage at the bank to
cash her husband's pay check for the first time. When the teller told
her the check would have to be endorsed, the bride grabbed the pen and
unhesitatingly wrote on the back, "I heartily recommend my husband, Mr.
Stanford Summers." (Douglas Helsel)

Manning a speed trap one day, the cop stopped a young blonde woman and
told her she was going 15 MPH over the posted speed limit. "Yes, I
know," she hurriedly explained. "But I'm very low on gas, and I'm
trying to reach the next station before I run out." (Fred Barling)

Each evening bird lover Tom Rowe stood in his backyard in Devon,
England, hooting like an owl -- and one night, an owl called back to
him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and
forth. Rowe even kept a log of the "conversation." Just as Rowe thought
he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication,
his wife had a chat with next door neighbour, Nancy Hollis. "My husband
spends his nights... calling out to owls," said Mrs. Rowe. "That's
odd," Mrs. Hollis replied. "So does my John." Then it dawned on them.
(John Nunley)

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi were discussing when life begins.
"Those of my faith," said the minister, "believe that life starts when
the heart begins to beat." "We take a different view," said the priest.
"We believe life starts at the moment of conception." "Well," said the
rabbi, "it is our belief that life starts when the kids move out and
the dog dies."(Frank Kaiser)

Murphy came home plastered for the third night in a row. His wife
dragged him to the window, pointing to the blazing lights of the big
distillery in the distance. "See how big it is?" she said. "They can
always make it faster than you can drink it." "Maybe so," said Murphy,
"But I've got 'em working nights!" (Sandy Sibert)

A four-year-old was showing a little friend the family photos that
covered one wall in their basement. Out of sight but not out of
earshot, her mother overheard her say, "Here's a picture of my mommy
when she was a little girl. I wasn't there, but people say she used to
be nice."(Bill Stebbins)

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
Pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill. The pharmacist asked "How
many?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one
into four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That
won't get you through sex." The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty
years old and I don't even think about sex much anymore. I just want it
to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new shoes...." (Larry
Kegel)

A blonde guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. After storming
away and cooling off, he had time to think. He knew he was clearly in
the wrong and felt really guilty about the entire trauma that he had
caused. So to make it up to his girlfriend, he decided to offer her a
gift. "I'm so sorry. Choose anything at all, my love," he said,
overcome with remorse. "Oh, I don't know," replied his sweetheart,
excited at the idea of a gift but still wanting to get back at him.
"You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you insist, just get me
something very expensive, that I don't really need." The following
day he booked her in for heart surgery. (Tom Thuis)

People who complain about never having enough money simply need to cut
the extravagances out of their lives. I figure it this way: Who needs
to blow all that coin on school lunches when my kids can just nap
during the lunch hour like I do? (Brad Simanek from Ruminations)

When my physician said that my headaches were caused by tension in my
neck and shoulders. I looked around for a product that would relax
those muscles. The perfect solution seemed to be a neck wrap that was
designed to be cooled in the freezer or heated in the microwave.
Luckily for me, the product had clear and concise instructions,
including the following: "Warning--do not microwave while on body.
(Lorraine A. Bellis)

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What
Are all those clocks for?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your
clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's
Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never
told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
life." "Where's Nixon's clock?" asked the man. "Nixon's clock is in
Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." (Caboom)






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