arizona humor Kids Puns of the Weak 11-02-04

KIDS PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 11-02-04

HALLOWEEN PUNS

Linda Blair with great favor confessed,
She’d been exorcised, thus finding rest,
But alack and alas
Her old demon came back
And now the poor girl’s repossessed.

The mummy was looking quite dapper
"Got rich from my music, Old Chapper
'Cause the music that comes
When my bandages hum
Has made me the world's greatest wrapper!"
(Clynch Varnadore)

Why is the air so clean on Halloween?
Because witches sweep the sky. (Zoyla, 9)

Why did the vampire get fired from the Blood Bank?
He was caught drinking on the job.

What do you call a skeleton who tells jokes?
A funny bone!

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer.

What do you get if you cross a teacher with a vampire?
A blood test (Lewis, 10)

How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape.

Why don't ghosts like to go out in the rain?
:Because it dampens their spirits! (Daily Groaner)

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
He didn't have a haunting license.

Why do witches think they're funny?
Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.

Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
To see if she was his type.

Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
Women can see right through them!

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car
crash?
He's all right now.

Why did Frankenstein look especially ugly when he was being recharged?
He was revolting

Why is a witch like a candle?
They are both wicked.

What's a haunted chicken?
A poultry-geist

How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes.

What does a ghost eat for breakfast??
Scream of wheat and Ghost-Toasties

"Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in.

Why do vampires always use mouthwash after every meal?
So they won't get bat breath!

What happens when you fail to pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed

Where do they cremate seductive women?
On vamp pyres.

What type of make-up do witches use?
Mask-scare-a

Why was the miserly vampire hunter unsuccessful?
He tried to kill the vampire by driving a pork chop through its heart
because steaks were too expensive.

One witch told another witch, "I want one of those new computers that
has a spell checker."

A perfectly spherical pumpkin makes good pi. (Pun of the Day)

This guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl on his back. "What on
earth are you?" asks the host. "I'm a snail," says the guy. "But...
you have a girl on your back," replies the host. "Yeah, he says,
"that's Michelle!"

The newlyweds went on a cruise for their honeymoon and found themselves
shipwrecked on an island where a tribe of cannibals lived.
Nevertheless, the inhabitants were very welcoming. In fact, when they
found out the couple had just been married, the cannibals threw a
party. They toasted the bride, then barbecued the groom.

A mother took her daughter shopping for a witch outfit to wear at the
school Halloween costume party. They hunted in several shops for an
important accessory--an old-fashioned straw broom with a crooked
tree-branch handle. Finally Mom found one that was just right. "See?"
she asked her daughter. "This will be perfect for you to take to
school." The youngster eyed the broom for a moment and frowned. "Aw,
Mom," she replied, "can't you just drive me instead? (Moni)

JEST FOR KIDS – THE RIDDLES

What did the pencil say to the other pencil?
You're looking sharp! (Jane, 11)

Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake! (Sally, 10)

What do you call it when a king goes to the bathroom?
A royal flush! (Douglas Helsel)

Why couldn't the athlete listen to his music?
Because he broke the record! (Fred Barling)

What's a shotgun wedding?
A case of wife or death. (Tony Thoennes)

Why did the boy put a Band-Aid of his head?
Because he got a haircut. (Elizabeth, 9)

Can you trust a magic carpet?
No, they lie like a rug. (Kaitlyn Thurston)

Why was the mother flea so sad?
Because her children were going to the dogs.

What did the blanket say to the bed?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered!" (Fred Barling)

Why did the cookie cry?
Because his Mom had been a wafer too long (Jose, 11)

What would you do if your nose went on strike?
Pickett (Brad Williams)

What makes a chess player happy?
Taking a knight off ((Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

Where should you put the officers in a military orchestra?
In the brass section (Fred Barling)

What did the cotton plant say to the farmer?
"Stop picking on me!"

Why did the dairy worker take the cows to the top of the hill to milk
them
Because he heard the cream rises at the top.

How do you keep elephants from charging?
Take away their credit cards (Alexandra, 11)

Why are cards like wolves?
Because they belong to a pack.

Couldn't Greenwich Mean Time at least try to be a little nicer?
(Joseph Moore from Ruminations)

If Spam were made of Beef could it be considered a "Can-O-Bull"? (Brad
Williams)

What do you call nervous insects?
Jitterbugs. (Rita, 8)

If a farmer raises wheat in dry weather, what does he raise in wet
weather?
An umbrella. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

What kind of music do astronauts listen to?
Rock-et-roll! (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

Why didn't the man believe what the sardine said?
It sounded too fishy.

Why is the math book so unhappy?
Because it's full of problems! (Sarah, 10)

Why did the scarecrow receive a medal?
Because he was outstanding in his field! (Dr. Bernie Domanski)

Why don't astronauts relate well to other people?
They are not down-to-earth. (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

Where do astronauts keep their sandwiches?
In their launch boxes. (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)

What did the scarf say to the hat?
"You go on ahead and I'll just hang around. (Jenna, 1)

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop! (Maryam, 10)

JEST FOR KIDS - THE PUNS

Fred's mother knit him three socks when he was in the army because Fred
wrote he had grown another foot.

A motorist going 80 miles per hour tried to beat a speeding train
across the tracks. He got across, all right, a beautiful marble one.
(John S. Crosbie)

A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of
his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the other
ear. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The
doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right" (Martin
Flack)

There was a surgeon who was famous for his short cuts. (Pun of the Day)

When he sold his royal crown, the king reduced his overhead. (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)

She was a great nurse, even though she got a measle-y salary. She knew
how to call the shots. There was never any bad blood between her and
the others. She just got on with her job checking patients' pulses
without missing a beat. And when it came to the surgery, she was never
absent without gauze. (Mike Bull)

When his parrot greeted them with fowl language, they were speechless
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

A Texas redneck's wife delivered a baby at 5 a.m. They named him Earl
Lee. (Renee from Napa)

A card shark wanted a tall chair so he could have the upper hand. (Pun
of the Day)

An empty purse is always the same because there is never any change in
it.

When the soldiers had a snowball fight, it turned into a cold war.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

The deaf cowboy rode with his dog and herd. (Marsha Coleman)

After the flood, Noah sent the animals off the ark telling each couple
to "go forth and multiply". Later, he came across two snakes. "I
thought I told you to go forth and multiply." One of the snakes
replied, "We're sorry but we can't. You see we're adders." (John S.
Crosbie)

The carpenters worked well together because they were on the same
level. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

Horses have six legs because they have forelegs in front and two legs
behind.

The violinist visited the doctor because he was high-strung. (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
(Teacher's Lounge)

A lot of trees were dying, but they needed to figure out the root of
the problem. (Pun of the Day)

If your nose runs and your feet smell, do you know what is the matter
with you? You are built upside down.

Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence. (Venkatech)

Patient: I think I'm a chicken
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg (Dr. Bernie Domanski)

The teetotaler was known for his dry humor (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

I took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler, calling people for
their views on various issues. On my very first call, I introduced
myself, "Hello, this is a telephone poll." A man on the other end
replied, "Yeah, and this is a street light!" (Maurizio Mariorri)

PUNS IN THE COMICS

Kids to parents: "Can we stay up to see who gets voted off?" (Family
Circle: Jeff & Bill Keane)

Ernie lives vicariously through the movies. He's a reel-ist. (Frank &
Ernest: Bob Thaves)

Man with sign that says, "Time for a change." Baby in carriage says,
"Is it that noticeable?" (Off the Mark: Mark Pansi)

Grandma: "What does the piggy say?" Child: "Oink, oink" "Very good! And
the duck says…?" "AFLAC!" (Family Circle: Jeff & Bill Keane)

Speed reading is necessary to exit the parkway (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

Adam at computer talking to tech support: "What d'ya mean there's a
shortage of vaccine for this year's big computer virus?" (Adam: Brian
Bassett)

NewGrandparents and teen-aged aunt receiving e-mail picture of newborn
baby: Grandpa: "There's our new grandson, Elly, with all his fingers
and toes." Grandma: "He's beautiful." Aunt: "Maybe he was digitally
enhanced." (For Better or For Worse: Lynn Johnston)

King to taxi driver, "Queen's Bishop Three, and step on it, (Frank &
Ernest: Bob Thaves)

Two children in "suitcase" costumes. Mother: "You won first prize for
your luggage costumes?" Father: "No, they're not just pieces of
luggage, Right, kids?" boy: "I'm so angry, I could spit!" Girl: "Oooh,
I'm upset! I wanna cry!" Father: "They're emotional baggage." Girl:
"See our ribbon, Mom?" (One Big Happy: Rick Detone)

"What happened?" "I spilled coffee in the car!" "That's what happens if
you drink and drive!" (Baldo: Cantu & Castellanos)

Bread-Co inc. Woman leaving boss's office with a box of money. Boss:
"When she was buttering me up, I should have realized she was going to
put the bite on me." (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

Live in the past. it's tax free. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

Tact: Thinking twice before saying nothing. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

In Hollywood most marriages are auditions. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

The easiest way to get a rainy day is to save for it. (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)






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