arizona humor PUNS OF THE WEAK 11-01-04

PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 11-01-04

THE ONE-LINERS

"Tell me, Holmes, what is the purpose of laxative?"
"Alimentary, my dear Watson." (John S. Crosbie)

A printer who set $10,000 to read $1,000 might have prevented his
mistake with a little fourth aught. (John S. Crosbie)

If I were a "human fly" who scaled the outsides of buildings, I
wouldn't be afraid of anything. Except maybe a SWAT team. (Larry
Hollister from Ruminations)

If I were a sheriff in the Old West having to track down the
perpetrator of a revenge killing, I'd probably start with the town
blacksmith, because they always seem to have an ax to grind. (Brad
Simanek)

A horse eats he eats best when he hasn't a bit in his mouth.

I'll never attend another contractor's convention. Everybody gets
drunk -- and then they get plastered. (Chester Ingraham from
Ruminations)

If Gabe Kaplan ever got seriously injured on the set of his TV show,
I'll bet the doctors would have Kotterized the wound. (Larry Hollister
from Ruminations)

My iguana can't get it up anymore. He's got a reptile dysfunction.

I finally made a killing on Wall Street. My broker's funeral is
tomorrow and the police don't even suspect me. (Renee from Napa)

Noah floated stock while the rest of the world was liquidating. (Sandy
Sibert)

I didn't believe my wife when she said she had lost one of her
fingernails while making dessert. I guess the proof will be in the
pudding. (Tim Begley from Ruminations)

So I'm chatting with this chick online, and I tell her I have her
favorite song on vinyl. She says, "You're really dating yourself." So I
say, "Duh. Why do you think I'm hanging out in a chat room in the first
place?" (Rick Kreher from Ruminations)

Could Hitler's bunker be considered attacks shelter? (Bradley Williams)

Several carniverous animals were eating the carcass but the king of
beasts got the lion's share. (Pun of the Day)

Some guys view marriage as a matter of wife and debt.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any
Indian. (Moni)

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better! (Lorraine)

At the risk of repeating myself, I once again told that group of clone
scientists I would give them a sample of my DNA. (Harrison Cockerill
from Ruminations)

For some reason, the Las Vegas security people didn't think my putting
the giant Baby Ruth candy bars in the commodes was funny. After all, I
was just trying to sweeten the pot. (Jerry L. Embry from Ruminations)

There's a street in Italy on which, when it rains, all the street
vendors bring out rainwear for sale. It's called the Poncho Via. (Bob
Dvorak)

Cross a chess piece with a slab of pork and you get a pawn chop. (James
Ertner )

Did you ever see the Monty Python film about shrimp? - Life of Brine
(Gary Hallock)

Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow for the tooth, why
not put a needle and thread? That way he'll realize that "wishing won't
make it sew". (Harrison Cockerill from Ruminations)

The day after we moved into the house, the landlord came by and made an
offer that appealed very much to Papa: "Eight children is too many.
I'll take only two." And Papa countered with, "It's a deal. Which two
do you want?" (Maggie)

Could someone on board a ship desperately looking for a toilet be
considered a "Head Hunter"? (Bradley Williams)

I don't understand it. I spend the same amount on gas every week but my
car mileage seems to be slipping. (Douglas Helsel)

A guy applies to Social Security for disability status. They ask what
his disability is. "I'm having trouble with my eyes," the man says. "I
can't see myself going to work." (Marsha Coleman)

I looked under the hood; I inspected the tires and asked about the gas
mileage; I even wanted to know if there were any bodies left in the
trunk. Then it occurred to me: Never look a gift hearse in the mouth.
(Stephanie Shiner-Thompson from Ruminations)

Making love in an onion patch is one sure way of having a bawl. (John
S. Crosbie)

Is Alex Trebek's job in Jeopardy? (Brad Williams)

Biscuits and sermons are improved by shortening. (Clean Jokes)

A priest took the witness stand. Upon cross examination the priest
exorcised the lawyer. (Steve Kramer)

QUOTES

One cannot cast the first stone - if already stoned. (Gunjan Seraf)

Worry is like a rocking chair: it will give you something to do, but it
won't get you anywhere. (Anon.)

A very close family is one with relations who have relations. (Cynthia
MacGregor)

Charles Schultz became wealthy working for peanuts. (Renee from Napa)

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing
blood. (Mary Hirsch)

A turtle only makes progress when it sticks it's neck out (Lorraine A.
Bellis)

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he
can't. (Rhonda Hansome)

A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.
(Granville Hicks)

When launching a boat, always back the boat into the water. Pulling the
boat into the water can really mess up your car's carburetor. (Sandy
Sibert)

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do
things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.
(Paul Cooper)

It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a
failure. (Herbert Samuel)

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we
didn't. (Erica Jong)

There's nothing remarkable about playing the organ. All one has to do
is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays
itself. (Johann Sabastian Bach)

When launching a boat, always back the boat into the water. Pulling the
boat into the water can really mess up your car's carburetor. (Sandy
Sibert)

Life is a lot like jazz, it's best when you improvise. (George Gerswhin)

People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
election. (Otto Von Bismarch)

If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know. (Louis Armstrong)

I got my husband one of those new beepers that delivers an electric
shock if he doesn't call me back right away. (Lorraine)

Windows is Bill Gates' way of telling you to slow down. (Sandy Sibert)

We trust, sir, that God is on our side. It is more important to know
that we are on God's side. (Abraham Lincoln)

Abe Lincoln was a Republican lawyer. Of course, he was shot, but he
went out in public. (Michael Bass)

Ye can lead a man up to the university, but you can't make him think.
(Finley Peter Dunne)

PUNY CONUNDRUMS

Mushroom hunters are fanatics. They keep the location of productive
areas as closely guarded secrets and spend hours looking for the tasty
delicacies. Their drive and determination is the result of a…?
A Morel Imperative (Norm Stevenson)

If the currently popular book whose title was based on the old joke
about the koala were to aspire to be an even greater mega-seller, the
author might include some info about sex in addition to the info
currently therein. Sex sells. What might she then retitle the book?
Comma Sutra (Cynthia MacGregor)

Which president was least guilty?
Lincoln. He is in a cent (Stan Kegel)

A young Native American woman asked her mother "How did I get my name?"
Her mother replied, "Your father and I had trouble. Every night for
weeks we awoke with the same horrible dream that somebody named
"Vinton" was teaching us a strange dance. Of course, once awake, only
one thing to do... and here you are." What was the Maiden's name?
"Polka Haunt Us" (Bob Dvorak)

What would be the preferred Brand-name product to wipe oil, grime,
etc., from your head-stand?
Kleen Necks (Bob Dvorak)

How would you describe a pair of two-year-old cousins asleep in bed at
high noon?
Napkin (Cynthia MacGregor)

In Alaska they can't bear to leave their SUV's unadorned. So they cover
the bumpers with a thin film of a shiny surface they call...?
Kodiachrome (Bob Dvorak)

I knew I loved Teresa the moment I met her. She was intelligent, sweet,
witty, everything I had always desired. She was an executive with a
major ad agency and had just sold Quaker Oats a new campaign for their
healthy dry cereals. But we were separated in the crowd and I spent
hours searching for her. Finally, I spotted her and loudly sang out:
Ah, sweet Miss Terry of LIFE at last I found you (Stan Kegel)

Jonah and Tony stood on separate mountaintops, calling out to each
other, "You no good son of a #$%&*!" You slimy-toed mother-%$^%$." And
so on all day. What relationship were they to each other?
Distant Cussin's (Cynthia MacGregor)

A man went to work for a contractor who specialized in remodeling
kitchens. His brother became a criminal, made a lot of money but wound
up in federal prison. What was their common job title?
They were both counter-fitters (Ken Pinkham)

What reptile would you find controlling traffic at the Calgary Stampede?
Mountie Python (Stan Kegel)

An actor was playing a particular role which called for bouts with
epilepsy during the course of the performance. This noob had no
familiarity with epilepsy, and, indeed, didn't bother to research the
subject so as to perform credibly. As a result, his concept as
presented more resembled a nervous tic. At one critical juncture in the
play, he was supposed to exit Stage Left, change his mind, and come
right back on, beginning the throes of an epileptic attack. Faced with
the stupid tic once again, the director taxed him with the line...?
Re-enter under seizure -- the "twitch" is seizures. (Render unto
Caesar that which is Caesar's) (Bob Dvorak)

Name the radio and T. V. show that was a spoof on the life and times of
William Tell:
Meet Careless Archer (Stan Kegel)

Contrary to popular belief it wasn't the Eden of the apple that caused
God to expel Adam & Eve from paradise. It was their blatant disregarden
of certain rules of conduct in the herb bed. Often mis-translated, this
infraction of God's rules is was known as...?
Oregano sin (Gary Hallock)

What device did the Vatican auto mechanic install on the Popemobile's
engine to increase the pontiff's chances of attracting followers from
other religions?
A Catholytic Converter (Gary Hallock)

Why didn't the mouse run in the open window?
Because he's a dormouse. (Cynthia MacGregor)

A couple of shrimp were speculating about where to take their vacation
this year. One suggested they might go to the beach and the other
proposed they do something different for a change and visit a fresh
water lake. They opted for the the latter. The decision was simple. You
might say it was WHAT?
A "No Briner" (Gary Hallock)

Various groups take a census of where voters stand on the candidates.
Bush and Kerry are both constantly vigilant of these results. I guess
they are worried about where they are on the list. A racer, running
qualifying laps, is worried about the same thing. What common thing are
they all concerned with?
Both candidates and racers are worried about poll (pole) position.
(Clynch Varnadore)

When she was just entering puberty, TV producer Aaron Spelling became
quite protective of his nubile young actress daughter. Long before she
became of a proper dating age her body matured and was ogled and
pursued by many young men with wicked intent. Mr. Spelling was wealthy
enough that he didn't have to put up with this, so he had constructed a
tall brick fence that circled around his home. Thus he kept his shapely
young daughter socially isolated and properly virginal for several
years until she was emotionally mature enough to greet the world with
her knock-out body. Lecherous would-be boyfriends began referring to
the Spelling home by a name that sounded quite similar to that of a
famous hotel. What was it?
Walled-Off Ass O'Tori (Gary Hallock)

Why couldn't Phillip Nolan be a forester?
He was a man without acorn tree. (Stan Kegel)

Richard Nixon attempted to change horses in midstream. What broke his
stride?
Down by the mill house he broke into a water gait. (Gary Hallock)





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