arizona humor Specialty Puns of the Weak 11-03-04

SPECIALTY PUNS OF THE WEAK 11-03-04

DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE

Adolescence: The age at which children stop asking questions because
they know all the answers.

Acre: Small dog of mixed parentage (John S. Crosbie)

Drive-in movie: a theater with wall-to-wall car-petting (Kostick
Foxgrover & Pellowski)

Locksmiths: Key personnel. (Sandy Sibert)

Superficial: A really good referee (William Safire)

Banchee: A stag party (John S. Crosbie)

Stockbroker: A fortune seller. (WordFoolery)

Interest: What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
burned out employees must feign. (Sandy Sibert)

Hymenopteran -- a gynecologist specializing in examination of virgins
(Bob Dvorak)

{IRS}: Tax Bracket (Norm Stevenson)

Arcade: A beverage invented by Noah. (John S. Crosbie)

Laundromats: Where patrons are taken to the cleaners. (Sandy Sibert)

Haiku: Signal to center from a Japanese quarterback (William Safire)

Cardiac Arrest: To be taken into custody for auto theft (Stan Kegel)

Band-Aid: Fund for needy musicians (Wicked Good Dictionary)

Beatnik: Santa on the day after Christmas. (John S. Crosbie)

Beleagured: Stuck in the semipros (William Safire)

Hypertonic: Turkish coffee (Stan Kegel)

Bathroom Graffiti: The handwriting on the stall (Wordfoolery)

Briefly: Summary of the short life of an insect (Joseph Harris )

Hermit: Girl's baseball glove (William Safire)

Berger’s Disease: Illness caused by eating too much fast foods (Stan
Kegel)

Baroque: French for "I have no money" (Wordfoolery)

Boardroom: Lumber Warehouse (Sandy Sibert)

Windbag: a person who's hard of listening (Kostick Foxgrover &
Pellowski)

Aldermen: She would rather date ALDERMEN than boys her own age (Stan
Kegel)

Tantamount: The Lone Ranger's mount was Silver but what was the
TANTAMOUNT? (Cynthia MacGregor)

Awry: Once you've developed a taste for corn liquor, you'll never go
AWRY. (John S. Crosbie)

Armageddon: And the Lord said, "ARMAGEDDON tired of all this sinning on
Earth." (Cynthia MacGregor)

Affair: All I want is AFFAIR price for my product. (Stan Kegel)

Armor: I fancied myself as a knight errant, but some other guy had his
ARMOR round her. (John S. Crosbie)

Abandon: Paul MacCartney's greatest music is on his album, "ABANDON
the Run" (Stan Kegel)

Bald: Samson loved Delilah until she BALD him out. (John S. Crosbie)

Bailiff: "My Dad will pay your BAILIFF you can't afford it. (Stan Kegel)

Arrears: My brother and I both hate to wash behind ARREARS. (John S.
Crosbie)

Forum: He didn't study so I don't feel sorry FORUM. (Stan Kegel)

Rotterdam: I was sailing my boat in shallow water in the Netherlands
and the ROTTERDAM near fell off. (Gary Hallock)

POETRY

Actress McLain lived in the west
And had an ongoing request.
When she made a joke,
Her friends then all spoke
And would say, “Shirley you jest.”
(Kirk Miller)

Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
Just because See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw!
(Paul Cooper)

Coroner was wrong
Mortician pulled big Bona
Deathly Morta fide.
(Bob Dvorak)

Beware the good Dr. Kegel my son,
The Incorrigible Punster, the Groaner King,
Beware his lead, though it's often fun,
Especially if it's a poetic thing.
(Gunjan Seraf)

None to certify,
Footfalls hollow in the morgue,
Once turned the cor'ner.
(Bob Dvorak)

Last night on my bad TV screen
I couldn't get blues, and turned green
As states all turned redder
Tonight I'll feel better
My president's still Martin Sheen
(Gary Hallock)

TOM SWIFTIES, CROCKERS AND WELLERISMS

" I just had my stereo fixed," said Jim ecstatically. (Simon Champion)

"The damn oil wells ruin our view," said Tom crudely. (Stan Kegel)

"I had a flat tire," Tom said somewhat deflatedly. (Paul Dickson)

"One of my stereo speakers is broken," said Tom monotonously. (Stan
Kegel)

"This can't be beat," said Tom as he pulled up a carrot. (John S.
Crosbie)

"There's too much vermouth in my martini," Tom said dryly. (Paul
Dickson)

"I manufacture tabletops for shops," said Tom counterproductively.
(Fun With Words)

"I order you to guard the back of the ship." commanded Tom sternly.
(Stan Kegel)

"It's time for the second funeral", Tom rehearsed. (Sandy Sibert)

"I've lost a lot of weight on this diet," Tom expounded enlightenedly.
(Stan Kegel)

"Nobody wants my services anymore," the doctor said impatiently. (Paul
Dickson)

"I dropped the toothpaste," said Tom, crestfallen. (Gil Krebs)

"I have a MSW in Social Work," said Tom with a degree of concern. (Stan
Kegel)

"Let me improvise this part," said Tom descriptively. (Fun With Words)

MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS

The sermon at the Presbyterian Church this coming Sunday will be "There
Are No Sects in Heaven." The subject was incorrectly printed in
yesterday's edition as "There is No Sex in Heaven." (Richard Lederer)

Movie star Joe E. Brown was pinch-hitting for Don McNeil on his ABC
Breakfast Club. He interviewed a woman who told him she had four
children. "That's your entire family, I suppose." "Hell no, there is a
father too," she replied indignantly. (Kermit Schafer)

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on
This Morning: "She was practicing fastest finger first by herself in
bed last night." (Eric Hodgson)

Farmer Bill Dies in House (Richard Lederer)

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope (Richard Lederer)

Eye Drops off Shelf (Richard Lederer)

From a California bar association's newsletter: Correction - the
following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at
12:15 p.m." Please correct to read "12 noon." (Richard Lederer)

Sign in front of a house: For Sale by Owner. Principles Welcome
(Richard Rice/Steve Harvey)

Heard on the BBC: "City fathers were hoping to raise enough money to
erect a new bronze statue of the Duck of Wellington.' (Kermit Schafer)

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents (Richard Lederer)

Include your Children When Baking Cookies (Richard Lederer)

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 (Richard Lederer)

We hired a new salesman because we were so underhanded. (Richard
Lederer)

NEWSCASTER: "Governor Nelson Rockefeller today vetoed a bill to repeal
New York's 1970 liberalized abortion law, considered the most liberal
in the nation. It permits a woman to have an abortion on request within
the first twenty-four months of pregnancy." (Kermit Schafer)

The bride was given in marriage by her father, wearing her mother's
wedding gown. (Richard Lederer)

TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS

"May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.

BED FOR SALE Four-poster, over 100 years old. Perfect for antique
lover. (Phill Rock)

Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers.
(From a manual for an SGI computer)

GIVE US YOUR DIRTY CLOTHES Ladies! If you drive by our new launderette
and drop off your clothes, you will receive very swift attention!
(Phill Rock)

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits,
$10. They won't last an hour!" (Irene Ariel Mystery)

"Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.

WHITLEY ACADEMY In beautiful Vermont. Coeducational. Special openings
for boys. (Phill Rock)

Seen on a message board at my child's school: "Achieve Academic
Excellents." (Renee from Napa)

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.
(Thorn Shunt)

"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.

"Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap
rubber ball toy.

Want ad: Oak boocase 72" high (Bob Mulligan/Steve Harvey)

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." (Irene Ariel
Mystery)

In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when
you can come here?" (Irene Ariel Mystery)

OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS

Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook
experience." (Bill Stebbins)

You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness." (Bill
Stebbins)

You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor retentive athletic
footwear." (Bill Stebbins)

Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage restrictive." (Bill
Stebbins)

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the
discreet exchange of penned meditations." (Bill Stebbins)

Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed
bumps." (Bill Stebbins)

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively
challenged." (Bill Stebbins)

Haydn would die if we were to HARRY THE MAN TODAY. (Lars Hanson)

You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious
follicle syndrome." (Bill Stebbins)

No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced." (Bill Stebbins)





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